While manners are important and apologies are necessary, saying sorry often doesn't teach compassion.
"Say you're sorry!"
"Go apologize and mean it."
"You don't sound like you're sorry to me."
"She won't want to be your friend anymore if you don't apologize right now."
Sound familiar? This is a hot topic for many parents. We want our kids to have good manners, to truly feel and show compassion for another, to want to apologize from a heartfelt and authentic place—yet when we tell them to say they're sorry, what are we really communicating?
- I need you to apologize so I can feel better about what just happened...
- This is how we fix problems...
- I need you to do what I say ...
- You need me to tell you how to feel and behave...
- I'm in control...(bigger and stronger wins)
- Integrity is secondary to apologies—what you do doesn't have to be aligned with how you feel or think... just do it anyway.
Whew. Maybe not the message we really want to give.
Yes, manners are important and apologies are necessary. But, encouraging the growth of this from within—a genuine desire to (re)connect and show compassion, being in our integrity—is essential for healthy relationships.
Think about it. How might you feel if, after being hurt deeply by a friend they brushed you off with a cursory, "I'm sorry" or after a tearful yelling match with your teen that left you feeling raw, your spouse said, "How could you lose it like that?! You need to go apologize to him!"
I'd venture to say you might feel more hurt, maybe misunderstood and alone, or even mad.
Often, situations our children are in that we catch ourselves telling them to apologize are defined by just the same kinds of feelings. Hurt whether they are the one doing the hurting or being hurt; frustrated and mad that their favorite toy was grabbed, a cool idea rejected, some other injustice experienced; misunderstood because their feelings and thoughts weren't respected, because the adult missed all that led up to the conflict, because they weren't listened to; alone because they are misunderstood, not listened to, hurt on the inside, feeling rejected; MAD because they really didn't like what their buddy did and their feelings overflowed.
Having your child say "I'm sorry" is going to do very little for a child to grow an understanding of how they feel, why they feel, what they can do with all these feelings—all precursors to compassion.
The words I'm sorry" are more often about our need, not our child's. So what can you do to grow the genuine, integrity based, heartfelt ability to apologize?
1. Role model, always
Be genuine with your own apologies. Voice compassion for your child, others, and their situation.
2. Name and affirm feelings of all parties involved.
Just think, if your spouse, following the tearful yelling match with your teen, had said, "Honey that was really tough. Let me hold you for a minute while you pull yourself together," how might you now feel? How might that change the next step you took? I bet you'd feel connected, understood, cared for, and in a better position to now re-connect with your son and apologize for losing it. And it would have come from a genuine place within you.
3. Give choices or ideas.
"What can you do to help him feel better?"
"When you are ready to let her know you feel sorry, she'll appreciate it."
"Can you use your words or would you like to show her you feel sorry?"
Words, smiles, pats, sharing a toy, playing next to—these are all authentic ways kids can show they are sorry.
4. Notice what your child chooses or does on their own to express their apology and their feelings and name it.
"Thank you for offering your special stuffed guy to your friend. You wanted to help him feel better. What a nice thing to do to let him know you felt sorry."
And now you are helping your child learn a bit more about what healthy, caring relationships look like. Genuine apologies are on their way. It takes time to grow a child who can tap into their inner selves and respond with compassion and honesty in a difficult situation. Time, patience, and gentle guidance... trust this. "I'm sorry" will follow... and be truly meant.
Relationship building all around.
Originally published on Denali Parent Coaching.