A modern lifestyle brand redefining motherhood

I am an only child. Sibling rivalry was something I heard about and watched on television, not something I experienced in real life. I had fanciful ideas of living in harmony with a built-in forever friend, a bestie for life. Due in part to my limited experience with sibling relationships, and also in part to my idealistic nature, I imagined my children would walk hand-in-hand through life, giggling together all along the way.


Then I actually had two sons. My firstborn ignored the very existence of his baby brother for all of eight months. It became apparent to me that a positive sibling relationship wasn’t something that was just going to happen; I had to cultivate it. I think parents often tolerate sibling rivalry as “par for the course.” While it is normal for children living under the same roof to have disagreements, we do not have to accept that it is the norm for them to tease, pick at, and constantly provoke each other.

Part of creating positive, peaceful homes and families is teaching our children to love and honor one another.

When it comes to sibling rivalry, we parents often unwittingly spark the fires we spend days and even years trying to extinguish. I’ve certainly made my fair share of mistakes along the way in fueling sibling squabbles, but I’ve also since learned how to create more peace.

Here’s what to avoid based on my own mistakes:

Don’t compare

Sometimes we think comparison is a motivator. We believe if we point out how good their brother or sister is at something, they’ll want to aim higher to achieve the same status or result. For some children, this may be true, but either way, comparison fuels rivalry. If it doesn’t serve as a motivator, the child is left feeling inadequate and inferior to her sibling. This fosters feelings of resentment. If it does motivate the child to aim higher, it becomes a competition—a fight for who’s better—and this doesn’t exactly cultivate harmony in the relationship.

Even the sibling who receives the favorable comparison is now entered into a competition to maintain her status.

To avoid the pitfall of comparison, state what you’d like to see happen or stop happening without bringing the other child up in the conversation. Simply, “I’d like to see you work a bit harder at your piano practice,” rather than, “Why don’t you put in the same effort your sister does?”

Don’t label

I unintentionally labeled one of my boys as “the funny one.” It apparently happened rather covertly, simply because I laughed at him more and said things like, “You are so funny!” His brother would always pipe up with, “Hey, am I funny too?” Then he frequently sought to measure up with performances meant to make us laugh just as much. While not a terrible cause for concern, I think it’s wise to watch the labels we stick on our kids and be careful not to label one “the smart one,” or another “the pretty one,” for example.

This gets tricky when celebrating the strengths and accomplishments of our children, which I don’t think should be avoided in order to save the other from feeling inferior. In fact, it’s good for children to learn that there is a time to honor and celebrate others.

I think the key to avoiding the pitfall of labeling is to celebrate each child, making sure they individually feel loved enough and valued enough.

The fix for us was not to stop laughing at my child’s hilariousness, but to find something about his brother that we brought equally to the light and celebrated.

Now for my victories on what did cultivate strong sibling bonds:

Create a team atmosphere

When my children were young, chore charts fueled rivalry as they were forever arguing about who had more check marks. So I created a team chart instead where I encouraged them to tackle chores together to get them done faster.

Weekly family meetings are also beneficial in creating a team atmosphere, because they give everyone equal opportunity to weigh in on family planning, problems, and solutions.

Finally, I made sure they honored and celebrated each other by getting them involved in such activities as cheering at brother’s ball game or attending plays the other was in. Helping to decorate for the other’s birthday party, and encouraging them to speak kind, affirming words to one another set the standard of building up rather than tearing down each other, in addition to asking that they speak their appreciations to each other at our family meetings.

Set clear limits

I believe that all children deserve to feel safe and comfortable in their own homes. Home is a haven where you are celebrated and where you can be yourself, without fear of ridicule or unacceptance.

Unchecked sibling rivalry can make the home feel like anything but a safe haven.

I don’t expect my children to get along perfectly all the time, but I do expect them to avoid resorting to violence, taunting, or name-calling. For sibling disputes, I used the peace table for many months to teach them peaceful conflict resolution skills. I stopped using it when they began saying, “We can work it out peacefully, Mom.”

When one young brother resorted to hitting another, I used a calm-down corner (also known as time-in) to get him calm, then explained that hitting was unacceptable and asked him how he planned to repair the relationship with his brother. I used to tell them that each act of aggression or harsh word spoken was like breaking one of the strings connecting their hearts, and that the string needed to be repaired to keep their relationship strong, because too many broken strings resulted in a broken bond. Then I encouraged apologies in the form of words, written notes, or kind gestures.

All healthy relationships take work, and sibling relationships are no exception. If we are proactive at cultivating harmonious relationships from the start, we can help our children grow up happy together in a peaceful home.

This post was adapted from chapter 6 of Positive Parenting: An Essential Guide.

Who said motherhood doesn't come with a manual?

Subscribe to get inspiration and super helpful ideas to rock your #momlife. Motherhood looks amazing on you.

Already a subscriber? Log in here.

Black Friday isn't here just yet, but some deals are. 🙌 One of the best places to score deals is on Amazon and they've already started sharing some of their sales and promotions.

Be sure to check back here on Friday and throughout Cyber Monday to see our guide to all of the best deals, all weekend long.

In the meantime, here's what to expect from Amazon on Black Friday—and some of the deals are already live. They go quickly so if you see something, grab it!

Motherly is your daily #momlife manual; we are here to help you easily find the best, most beautiful products for your life that actually work. We share what we love—and we may receive a commission if you choose to buy.You've this.

You might also like:

2018 will go down in history as the year that gave us a royal wedding, a second Chrissy Teiegn cookbook and saw Serena Williams prove that new mamas can do anything. It's also the year that a bunch of adorable celebrity babies came into the world.

Here's to all the celebrity babies born this year!

Elizabeth Smart and Matthew Gilmour welcomed baby Olivia

Back in June author and activist Elizabeth Smart announced she and husband Matthew Gilmour were expecting their third child, and in November baby Olivia arrived.

She was born in hospital and Smart shared a sweet post-birth selfie with her Instagram followers.

"So happy to welcome Olivia to our family!" she wrote.

We are so happy for her.

Jessica Chastain and Gian Luca Passi de Preposulo welcomed a baby girl

After actress Jessica Chastain was spotted out in October carrying a baby in a car seat, media outlets began to speculate about whether she and husband Gian Luca Passi de Preposulo had become parents, and it turns out the rumors are true. On November 19, E! News reported Chastain's daughter was born in the spring, via surrogate.

Chastain has not spoken publicly about her daughter or posted any baby photos on her Instagram, which is absolutely her choice. If she ever does decide to talk about the early days of her daughter's life, we will be all ears!

Until then, congratulations to Jessica and Gian!

Kate Upton and Justin Verlander welcomed daughter Genevieve

What a sweet little face! On November 10 Kate Upton and Justin Verlander introduced the world to their daughter, Genevieve Upton Verlander who was born on November 7.

On his Instagram account proud dad Verlander added notes "You stole my ❤️ the first second I met you!!!"

Looks like Genevieve's parents are very much in love with their baby girl.

Gabrielle Union and Dwyane Wade welcomed (a surprising) baby girl 

Gabrielle Union and Dwayne Wade shocked the world in November by announcing the birth of the daughter fans didn't know they were expecting!

"We are sleepless and delirious but so excited to share that our miracle baby arrived last night via surrogate and 11/7 will forever be etched in our hearts as the most loveliest of all the lovely days. Welcome to the party sweet girl!" Union, who has previously written about her struggles with infertility, wrote on Instagram.

Diane Kruger and Norman Reedus welcomed their first baby together

Diana Kruger and her partner, Walking Dead star Norman Reedus, are the latest celebrity parents to welcome a new baby, but unlike a lot of celebrity couples they did not do an Instagram baby announcement.

The family is keeping things low key, but People reports it has confirmed the baby's arrival.

Whether or not a family chooses to publicize their child's image and name is totally up to the parents, whether they are famous or not. Kruger and Reedus may choose to keep their baby out of the spotlight and that's totally cool. Big announcements aren't for everyone.

 Hilary Duff and Matthew Koma welcomed daughter Banks Violet Bair

Hilary Duff shared some big news in October, dropping an adorable birth announcement on Instagram and letting the world know that she had a home birth for daughter Banks Violet Bair. What a unique name!

Pippa Middleton and James Matthews welcomed a baby boy 

Little Prince Louis now has a close cousin! The Duchess of Cambridge's sister, Pippa Middleton, and her husband James Matthews welcomed a baby boy on October 16, one day after her sister's sister-in-law, Meghan Markle, announced her pregnancy.

Kate Hudson and Danny Fujikawa welcomed baby Rani Rose 

Kate Hudson is now a #girlmom.

The actress (who is also mom to sons, 7-year-old son Bingham and 14-year-old son Ryder) and her partner Danny Fujikawa announced the birth of their daughter one day after she was born on October 2. The birth announcement came via a series of Instagram slides, captioned with simply, "She's here".

"We have decided to name our daughter Rani (pronounced Ronnie) after her grandfather, Ron Fujikawa. Ron was the most special man who we all miss dearly. To name her after him is an honor," Hudson wrote.

"Everyone is doing well and happy as can be. Our family thanks you for all the love and blessings that have been sent our way and we send ours right back."

Jillian Harris and Justin Pasutto welcome baby Annie 

On October 1 Jillian Harris and Justin Pasutto announced they just welcomed their second child (and first girl), baby Annie. According to the Instagram post introducing Annie, Harris and Pasutto were enjoying a date night when Annie started making her entrance into the world, interrupting mom and dad's round of golf.

 Kim Kardashian +  Kanye West welcomed Chicago Noel West

Celebrity power couple Kim Kardashian and Kanye West welcomed their third child, baby Chicago via a gestational surrogate on January 15, 2018. Chicago came into the world weighing 7 pounds, 6 ounces and was instantly loved by the whole Kardashian family, including her siblings, North and Saint.

"We're so in love," Kardashian said in a statement released shortly after Chicago's birth.

"We are incredibly grateful to our surrogate who made our dreams come true with the greatest gift one could give," the proud mama explained.

[Updated: November 20, 2018.]

You might also like:

I was at my midwife appointment two weeks before my due date. After hearing my daughter's heartbeat and answering some questions, the midwife asked if I was planning to breastfeed.

Mentally scanning my perfectly outlined first-time-mom birth plan—complete with bullet points and bolded phrases which I had carefully picked—I realized that I hadn't even considered this notion until half a second ago. I was so preoccupied with the details surrounding how I was going to get this baby out of me that I hadn't contemplated how I would actually keep her alive once she was disconnected from my placenta.

I shrugged and replied, "Sure, I guess I will if I can." So I added my breastfeeding bullet point to my birth plan.

I woke up to my buzzing phone on the morning of March 29th. "Due Date" popped up as a notification on my calendar, as if the birth of my child could be scheduled in the same way you would an oil change.

I had everything planned. I would first labor quietly, un-medicated, wearing makeup and using my hypnobirthing techniques I been studying. Then, when I was ready to push, my baby would be delivered in a very reasonable amount of time with minimal tearing.

She would be placed on my chest where together we would soak in the hormonal love cocktail that I had read so much about. Afterward, I would unpack my laptop to check work emails during the downtime that I had assured myself would be bountiful during our hospital stay.

Growing more impatient as the time lingered since my due date notification, the hours turned to days. My water finally broke three long days later. My actual labor started quickly after I began bragging to my visitors about how manageable the contractions were.

I sweated my makeup off soon after. The calm and meditative laboring state I had prepared myself for was more akin to the calmness one would have upon placing the palms of their hands onto the burners of a searing hot stove.

The intervals between my contractions vanished as I eventually ripped my clothes off, hoping I could somehow crawl out of my skin. I gasped for breath between sobs when my midwife assured me that I was two whole centimeters dilated.

As fate would have it, 48 hours later, I would deliver my bruised and exhausted baby laying on my back, crying and shaking on an ice cold operating table.

As it turns out, enjoying approximately 35 seconds of sleep in a span of days doesn't do much for one's patience levels. Sore and freshly bound around the abdomen, I couldn't possibly be expected to employ my motherly duties yet, could I?

Whoever was supposed to serve me the hormonal love cocktail I was promised, apparently skipped my hospital room. My emails went unanswered as I ineptly tended to my shrieking newborn.

"The Universe laughs when you have a plan," I once read. The Universe must have taken one look at me and rejoiced: Boy was I in for a lesson.

Once settled in at home, I realized that breastfeeding wasn't going to work for us after all. Then I experienced a heavy period of postpartum depression.

Just weeks prior, I had everything planned so precisely. Things that pertained not just to the infancy stage I was so freshly experiencing now, but things that I had no right to plan, as I wouldn't truly understand them for months and some even years.

I had sworn to myself that I would always treat my child with kindness and patience...and look good while doing so. I told myself that I would reserve time for me to enjoy my hobbies and never "lose sight of myself." But suddenly, intellectually stimulating toys, perfectly situated hair bows, and frankly, brushed teeth meant much less to me.

Through the birth of my second daughter, I learned that a healthy baby is enough, no matter how they get here. This time, using medication, I graciously welcomed her into the world. Promptly after enjoying the love cocktail I had waited so patiently for, I let the nurses whisk her off to care for her in the nursery as I took a well-deserved nap.

Life with two small children required adjustments and another shift in expectations, but this time around I laughed my way through it. (And I learned to appreciate the texture of my unwashed hair, too.)

It wasn't until I finally let go of who I thought I should be that I finally felt satisfied by who I am. I am often frazzled, over-stressed and disheveled. I don't always feel very interesting and I am no longer the perfectly curated woman I once was.

I'm chronically late and not unlike my oldest daughter, I often burst in exhausted, bruised and five days late. Deadlines and appointments sometimes slip by and surprisingly, my heart continues to beat.

But most importantly, I'm an extremely good mother. Pay no attention to the non-organic popsicle stains running down my children's mismatched clothing or the bird nests of hair sitting atop their heads: because we are happy. And that is what is important.

Despite my earlier expectations that I have fallen quite short of, my children are well. They are not perfect, nor am I. Neither were any of the women who have come before or will come after me. I only make plans now with the caveat that they must be subject to change. The Universe can now laugh with me, not at me.

You might also like:

The American Academy of Pediatrics says that newborns, especially, do not need a bath every day. While parents should make sure the diaper region of a baby is clean, until a baby learns how to crawl around and truly get messy, a daily bath is unnecessary.

So, why do we feel like kids should bathe every day?

Bathing frequency

There is no scientific or biological answer to how often you should bathe your child. During pre-modern times, parents hardly ever bathed their children. The modern era made it a societal norm to bathe your child daily.

Many babies and toddlers, especially those who aren't walking yet, don't need to be washed with soap every day. If a child has dry, sensitive skin, parents should wash their child with a mild soap once a week.

On other nights, the child may simply soak or rinse off in a lukewarm, plain water bath if they are staying fairly clean. Additionally, parents can soak their children in a water bath without soap most nights or as needed as part of a routine.

Cause of skin sensitivity

Many problems with sensitive, irritated skin are made worse by bathing habits that unintentionally dry out the skin too much. Soaking in a hot bath for long periods of time and scrubbing will lead to dry skin. Additionally, many existing skin conditions will worsen if you over-scrub your child or use drying, perfumed soaps.

Some skin conditions, like childhood eczema (atopic dermatitis), are not caused by dirt or lack of hygiene. Therefore, parents do not need to scrub the inflamed areas. Scrubbing will cause dry, sensitive skin to become even more dry.

Tips for bath time

Some best practices for bath time for kids who have dry, itchy, sensitive skin or eczema include.

  • The proper temperature for a bath is lukewarm
  • Baths should be brief (5-10 minutes long)
  • To avoid drying out your child's skin, use mild, fragrance-free soaps (or non-soap cleansers)
  • Use small amounts of soap and wash the child with your hands, rather than scrubbing with a soapy washcloth.
  • Do not let your child sit and play in the tub or basin if the water is all soapy.
  • Use the soap at the end of the bath, not the beginning.
  • When finishing the bath, rinse your child with warm fresh water to remove the soap from their body. Let the child "dance" or "wiggle" for a few seconds to shake off some of the water, and then apply moisturizing ointments, creams, or lotions while their skin is still wet.
  • Simple store-brand petroleum jelly is a wonderful moisturizer, especially if applied right when the child leaves the tub while the skin is still wet.
  • Avoid creams with fragrances, coloring agents, preservatives, and other chemicals. Simple, white, or colorless products are often better for children's skin.
  • Do not use alcohol-based products.

Originally posted on Children's National Health System's Rise and Shine.

You might also like:

Motherly provides information of a general nature and is designed for educational purposes only. This site does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment.Your use of the site indicates your agreement to be bound by our  Terms of Use and Privacy Policy. Information on our advertising guidelines can be found here.