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What to say when your toddler tests the limits

It doesn't always have to be 'no.'

What to say when your toddler tests the limits

"No, no!" you say. "I said NO."


Sound familiar? Toddlers. Oh-so trying, testing and totally terrific, too.

Their job?

  • To be increasingly in charge of themselves (think: Future independent young adult).
  • To try things on for size—over and over and over again.
  • To see—truly SEE—if they can count on you to act upon what you say.
  • To ask us to be clear about what it is we want from them.

And boy, does this often get a rise out of us. Just behave. Do what I say and without a fuss. We say "no" and "stop" and "come here" over and over again, hoping to avoid that fuss, because it requires even more time and honestly, it can be so embarrassing.

And it begins to ramp up. We wonder why they keep testing us...why these often adorable, delightful, joyful little ones look us in the eye and hit or bite or ignore us once again.

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Here's the deal with toddlers: They need us to be calm. Consistent. Clear. They need us to communicate with our words very clearly. They need us to show them—patiently and often—just what it is we are wanting them to do, and learn, and how to be.

Here are a few ideas for you as you work on guiding your toddler in positive and productive ways:

First, describe what you see: "You are busy pulling all the clothes out of the drawer! (This, after you spent all day just trying to get the laundry put away!)."

Then you head over next to your toddler who is wonderfully practicing just the opposite of what she saw you doing as you put laundry away and say, "Mama just finished getting all these shirts and socks into the drawer! Can you plunk them back in with me? One, two, three...in they go."

What if your toddler looks at you with that impish twinkle and runs away in circles to just come back and take armfuls back out of the drawer? Instead of the "No!" or the "I told you to stop!" try this:

"It's too hard for you to keep the clothes where they belong right now. I'm going to scoop them up and put them away." And you can physically insert your body between drawers and toddler as you (cheerfully—or as cheerfully as possible) dump the clothes back in (to be folded once again at a later date).

Then turn to your tot and say, "Up you go and let's check on kitty...or something outside...or a book, etc."

Now you've followed through with what you've said—that the clothes belong in the drawer. You've given a choice for them to join in with you, and keeping it light-hearted you are staying connected in a way that speaks loudly to a young child.

You've stopped them without punishment and instead helped them through one of their testing moments (remember, testing is really all about us as parents—whether we can pass their test by being calm and consistent and clear).

Now they can learn a bit more about managing themselves. Now you've just stepped in as the guide they need, rather than the rather harried disciplinarian who is really more concerned about control and losing control.

Okay. So what about the more extreme moments? Hitting, biting, big tears and screams.

Stop the hurting behavior with, "I will stop you from hitting/biting me, it hurts." Then affirm feelings involved and describe what you see, "You are really frustrated because you'd like me to play with you and I'm so busy talking to Papa."

Offer up what it is you want, and how they can participate in that: "It's so hard to wait when I'm busy, isn't it? Would you like me to pick you up while you wait for Papa and me to be done?" It's okay to pause your conversation with your spouse and to give your full attention to your tot as you work at settling them down.

Then: "Papa and I need to finish talking now. Do you want me to keep holding you, or are you ready to get down and find a book to look at while you wait?"

With less attention on the "mis" behavior and much more on how you'd like them to move through upsetting times, you will discover the real growth to occur. This is guiding at its best. Which means in the long run, having a "disciplined" child—someone who can manage themselves, who knows what to do and how to be, who will more likely listen and respond and cooperate or collaborate.

It takes time. It takes pause. It takes deep breathing, encouraging self-talk, the ability to let go and step alongside and be fully present. It is hard.

And yet, it is even harder when we don't do this, for all the yuck ramps up and as your child gets older, it gets way more difficult. So today, when you find yourself talking across the room to your toddler trying to get them to stop, come and do it differently, pause first. Consider what words to use to help your child know clearly what it is you want, instead of what you don't want. Then go to them and show them.

It will pay dividends. Huge ones. And it will, most definitely, make your job easier.

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    These challenges from Nike PLAYlist are exactly what my child needs to stay active

    Plus a fall family bucket list to keep everyone moving all season long.

    While it's hard to name anything that the pandemic hasn't affected, one thing that is constantly on my mind is how to keep my family active despite spending more time indoors. Normally, this time of year would be spent at dance and gymnastics lessons, meeting up with friends for games and field trips, and long afternoon playdates where we can all let off a little steam. Instead, we find ourselves inside more often than ever before—and facing down a long winter of a lot more of the same.

    I started to search for an outlet that would get my girls moving safely while we social distance, but at first I didn't find a lot of solutions. Online videos either weren't terribly engaging for my active kids, or the messaging wasn't as positive around the power of movement as I would like. Then I found the Nike PLAYlist.

    I always knew that Nike could get me moving, but I was so impressed to discover this simple resource for parents. PLAYlist is an episodic sports show on YouTube that's made for kids and designed to teach them the power of expressing themselves through movement. The enthusiastic kid hosts immediately captured my daughter's attention, and I love how the physical activity is organically incorporated in fun activities without ever being specifically called out as anything other than play. For example, this segment where the kids turn yoga into a game of Paper Scissors Rock? Totally genius. The challenges from #TheReplays even get my husband and me moving more when our daughter turns it into a friendly family competition. (Plus, I love the play-inspired sportswear made just for kids!)

    My daughter loves the simple Shake Ups at the beginning of the episode and is usually hopping off the couch to jump, dance and play within seconds. One of her favorites is this Sock Flinger Shake Up activity from the Nike PLAYlist that's easy for me to get in on too. Even after we've put away the tablet, the show inspires her to create her own challenges throughout the day.

    The best part? The episodes are all under 5 minutes, so they're easy to sprinkle throughout the day whenever we need to work out some wiggles (without adding a lot of screen time to our schedule).

    Whether you're looking for simple alternatives to P.E. and sports or simply need fun ways to help your child burn off energy after a day of socially distanced school, Nike's PLAYlist is a fun, kid-friendly way to get everyone moving.

    Need more movement inspiration for fall? Here are 5 ways my family is getting up and getting active this season:

    1. Go apple picking.

    Truly, it doesn't really feel like fall until we've picked our first apple. (Or had our first bite of apple cider donut!) Need to burn off that extra cinnamon-sugar energy? Declare a quick relay race up the orchard aisle—winner gets first to pick of apples at home.

    To wear: These Printed Training Tights are perfect for when even a casual walk turns into a race (and they help my daughter scurry up a branch for the big apples).

    2. Visit a pumpkin patch.

    We love to pick up a few locally grown pumpkins to decorate or cook with each year. Challenge your child to a "strongman" contest and see who can lift the heaviest pumpkin while you're there.

    To wear: Suit up your little one in comfort with this Baby Full Zip Coverall so you're ready for whatever adventures the day brings.

    3. Have a nature scavenger hunt.

    Scavenger hunts are one of my favorite ways to keep my daughter preoccupied all year long. We love to get outside and search for acorns, leaves and pinecones as part of our homeschool, but it's also just a great way to get her exercising those gross motor skills whenever the wiggles start to build up.

    To wear: It's not truly fall until you break out a hoodie. This cozy Therma Elite Kids Hoodie features a mesh overlay to release heat while your child plays.

    4. Have a touch-football game.

    Tip for parents with very little kids: It doesn't have to last as long as a real football game. 😂 In fact, staging our own mini-games is one of our favorite ways to get everyone up and moving in between quarters during Sunday football, and I promise we all sleep better that night.

    To wear: From impromptu games of tag to running through our favorite trails, these kids' Nike Air Zoom Speed running shoes are made to cover ground all season long.

    5. Create an indoor obstacle course.

    Pretending the floor is lava was just the beginning. See how elaborate your personal course can get, from jumping on the couch to rolling under the coffee table to hopping down the hallway on one foot.

    To wear: These ready-for-any-activity Dri-FIT Tempo Shorts are perfect for crawling, hopping and racing—and cuddling up when it's time to rest.

    This article was sponsored by Nike. Thank you for supporting the brands that supporting Motherly and mamas.

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