Expert strategies for dealing with the loss of a grandparent, age by age

All too many children may be facing the loss of a loved one this year. Here's how to help them through it.

losing a grandparent

The coronavirus pandemic has had a big impact on our daily lives. From homeschooling to financial uncertainty to wearing masks to the grocery store, we've been forced to readjust our everyday routines in many different ways. For many people, however, the pandemic will create an even more painful change: the loss of a loved one.

According to a recent study, one of the grim impacts of the coronavirus pandemic is that millions of Americans could lose a parent or grandparent, including as many as 820,000 grandchildren. Grieving a loss is difficult enough, but social distancing orders have disrupted the process for many people, especially children who are experiencing the loss of their grandparents. Even when they have not lost a loved one, the fact that coronavirus disproportionately affects older adults, specifically their grandparents, looms large in the minds of children.


The grandparent-grandchild relationship is a special bond

Many grandparents have a close relationship with their grandchildren. In fact, this closeness is so common that researchers have actually studied it to identify the common factors that lead to this "solidarity." One of those factors is a grandparent's function within the family. If they provide childcare or serve as a surrogate parent, the bond grandparents have with their grandchildren is particularly strong.

Supportive emotionally and even financially, many grandparents play an important role in the lives of their grandchildren. Other important factors that affect the strength of the grandparent-grandchild relationship include physical proximity, frequency of contact and the strength of the relationships between generations in the family.

Why grief is so difficult during COVID-19

Millions of people are experiencing—or will experience— the loss of a dear friend or family member during this time. Meanwhile, social distancing orders have limited or even halted funerals and other gatherings. And far too many people have missed the chance to say their goodbyes to loved ones in person, making the experience all the more traumatic.

One factor that makes grieving particularly difficult right now is that many were already experiencing grief or feelings of loss on a day-to-day basis due to the ongoing isolation caused by the coronavirus. For children, not attending school, going to the park with friends and engaging in their other daily activities has had a social and emotional impact on their well-being. Add to that the loss of a grandparent or another loved one, and the sadness, stress or anxiety they're already feeling becomes even harder to bear.

How to help your child cope with grief

Because children of different ages handle grief and death differently, it's important to consider developmentally-appropriate strategies to help your child cope after the loss of a grandparent.

For toddlers + preschoolers (2-5 years old)

At this age, a child's response to the death of a family member is based on the strength of the attachment they have formed. If your child saw or talked to their grandparents frequently—whether in-person, over FaceTime, or on the phone—their bond is typically stronger than a relationship limited to annual or semi-annual visits.

Some strategies to help your young child cope with grief could include gathering pictures and telling stories of some of the special times they shared with their grandparent. If your child doesn't remember a specific story or have the words to express what they remember, gently guide them through what happened. If the bond between your child and their grandparent was particularly strong, create a photo collage that they can reference and look at when they are feeling sad or overwhelmed by their memories. Encourage your child to draw a heart and write down what they love best about their grandparent. There are also many books focused on loss you can read to your child, as well.

It's important to note that young children typically have many questions when a person dies. Keeping your words simple and answering those questions is very important. For example, a 3-year-old child might be confused as to why they can't see the legs of their deceased grandparent in a half-closed casket during the visitation service. Telling the child that the person's legs are under a blanket is a short, simple response, but it can be the reassurance a child needs at that moment.

For elementary-school aged children (5-10 years old)

Compared to a preschooler or toddler, children in elementary school are often more aware of the loss of a grandparent. They may express their grief through withdrawing, tearfulness, anger or short-tempered reactions or have difficulty sleeping or eating. They may also experience increased anxiety or fear that their parents or siblings may suddenly pass away, as well.

During this time, it's important that children are able to accept the way they're feeling and express their emotions openly and honestly. Let your child know that it is normal to feel sadness and loss when you've loved deeply. Tell them It is also okay to be happy and to laugh, as their grandparents would want them to continue to have fun even if they are no longer physically there.

Children often respond well to arts and crafts at this age, so drawing pictures or creating collages is a helpful strategy. Encourage your child to discuss how they felt when they were drawing the picture or making the collage. Opening the doors to discussion allows you to empathize with your child and normalize sad feelings.

Part of a child's grieving process may include expressing regrets about their past words or actions directed toward the deceased family member. If this is the case, give them a physical clock and help them "go back in time" and process what they wish they had done differently. This is not only a helpful strategy for moving through the grieving process but also a tool they can use to overcome future challenges and regret.

For middle school-aged children (11-13 years old)

During middle school, children begin to express themselves more completely and start to understand death more like adults do. As such, they often experience extreme emotions, especially when they're faced with a traumatic event like the death of a family member.

First and foremost, acknowledge your child's feelings and give them permission to express their grief openly. Let your middle schooler know that though you are grieving as well, they should not try to cover up their feelings to protect you.

At this age, it's beneficial for your child to take part in concrete activities for processing their feelings. For example, making a memory box full of small mementos and written memories dedicated to the grandparent's life or making a memory bracelet out of yards and beads can be therapeutic. Perhaps each bead can represent a special time or feeling they shared with their grandparent. Art therapy, drawing, coloring and creative writing activities are ideal activities for preteens to cope with grief. If your child expresses any feelings of regret, the "clock method" mentioned above can also be applied to this age group.

For high-school aged children (14-17 years old)

While pre-teens experience heightened emotions, teenagers often feel ashamed of their grief, and as such, often have difficulty processing the death of a loved one.

Start a dialogue with your high schooler about their feelings and how the loss of their grandparent is affecting them. Encourage them to write a goodbye letter if it can bring them closure. Ask them to tell you about one of their happiest memories of their grandparent. Be careful not to rush their healing process. Remember, everyone processes grief differently and for different lengths of time. Keep the conversation going and be attuned to when your teenager needs a listening ear.

Also, encourage your teen to explore their creativity and take on a new hobby such as writing, drawing, painting, or playing an instrument. Having a creative outlet is crucial because teens might otherwise avoid expressing themselves and turn to risky behaviors to mask their grief.

A final word on coping with grief

Even if your family is not dealing with loss, you and your children may be experiencing a heightened sense of anxiety, stress, or dread during this time. If that's the case, take the time to schedule phone calls or video calls with the people you miss. Staying in touch and reminiscing on important memories can help close the emotional gap of not seeing people in person—even if you are thousands of miles apart.

As an occupational therapist, I've seen a significant increase in parents concerned about their children's mental health and well-being since the pandemic began. If you think your child is experiencing depression, anxiety, or another obstacle—whether due to the loss of a loved one or not—use a free mental health screening tool or get in touch with a professional.

Coping with the death of a loved one is difficult for adults, let alone children. Having strategies and routines to help you and your child experience grief in a healthy way is an essential part of getting through this pandemic.

In This Article

    These challenges from Nike PLAYlist are exactly what my child needs to stay active

    Plus a fall family bucket list to keep everyone moving all season long.

    While it's hard to name anything that the pandemic hasn't affected, one thing that is constantly on my mind is how to keep my family active despite spending more time indoors. Normally, this time of year would be spent at dance and gymnastics lessons, meeting up with friends for games and field trips, and long afternoon playdates where we can all let off a little steam. Instead, we find ourselves inside more often than ever before—and facing down a long winter of a lot more of the same.

    I started to search for an outlet that would get my girls moving safely while we social distance, but at first I didn't find a lot of solutions. Online videos either weren't terribly engaging for my active kids, or the messaging wasn't as positive around the power of movement as I would like. Then I found the Nike PLAYlist.

    I always knew that Nike could get me moving, but I was so impressed to discover this simple resource for parents. PLAYlist is an episodic sports show on YouTube that's made for kids and designed to teach them the power of expressing themselves through movement. The enthusiastic kid hosts immediately captured my daughter's attention, and I love how the physical activity is organically incorporated in fun activities without ever being specifically called out as anything other than play. For example, this segment where the kids turn yoga into a game of Paper Scissors Rock? Totally genius. The challenges from #TheReplays even get my husband and me moving more when our daughter turns it into a friendly family competition. (Plus, I love the play-inspired sportswear made just for kids!)

    My daughter loves the simple Shake Ups at the beginning of the episode and is usually hopping off the couch to jump, dance and play within seconds. One of her favorites is this Sock Flinger Shake Up activity from the Nike PLAYlist that's easy for me to get in on too. Even after we've put away the tablet, the show inspires her to create her own challenges throughout the day.

    The best part? The episodes are all under 5 minutes, so they're easy to sprinkle throughout the day whenever we need to work out some wiggles (without adding a lot of screen time to our schedule).

    Whether you're looking for simple alternatives to P.E. and sports or simply need fun ways to help your child burn off energy after a day of socially distanced school, Nike's PLAYlist is a fun, kid-friendly way to get everyone moving.

    Need more movement inspiration for fall? Here are 5 ways my family is getting up and getting active this season:

    1. Go apple picking.

    Truly, it doesn't really feel like fall until we've picked our first apple. (Or had our first bite of apple cider donut!) Need to burn off that extra cinnamon-sugar energy? Declare a quick relay race up the orchard aisle—winner gets first to pick of apples at home.

    To wear: These Printed Training Tights are perfect for when even a casual walk turns into a race (and they help my daughter scurry up a branch for the big apples).

    2. Visit a pumpkin patch.

    We love to pick up a few locally grown pumpkins to decorate or cook with each year. Challenge your child to a "strongman" contest and see who can lift the heaviest pumpkin while you're there.

    To wear: Suit up your little one in comfort with this Baby Full Zip Coverall so you're ready for whatever adventures the day brings.

    3. Have a nature scavenger hunt.

    Scavenger hunts are one of my favorite ways to keep my daughter preoccupied all year long. We love to get outside and search for acorns, leaves and pinecones as part of our homeschool, but it's also just a great way to get her exercising those gross motor skills whenever the wiggles start to build up.

    To wear: It's not truly fall until you break out a hoodie. This cozy Therma Elite Kids Hoodie features a mesh overlay to release heat while your child plays.

    4. Have a touch-football game.

    Tip for parents with very little kids: It doesn't have to last as long as a real football game. 😂 In fact, staging our own mini-games is one of our favorite ways to get everyone up and moving in between quarters during Sunday football, and I promise we all sleep better that night.

    To wear: From impromptu games of tag to running through our favorite trails, these kids' Nike Air Zoom Speed running shoes are made to cover ground all season long.

    5. Create an indoor obstacle course.

    Pretending the floor is lava was just the beginning. See how elaborate your personal course can get, from jumping on the couch to rolling under the coffee table to hopping down the hallway on one foot.

    To wear: These ready-for-any-activity Dri-FIT Tempo Shorts are perfect for crawling, hopping and racing—and cuddling up when it's time to rest.

    This article was sponsored by Nike. Thank you for supporting the brands that supporting Motherly and mamas.

    Our Partners

    Every week, we stock the Motherly Shop with innovative and fresh products from brands we feel good about. We want to be certain you don't miss anything, so to keep you in the loop, we're providing a cheat sheet.

    So, what's new this week? All things maternity fashion, mama.

    Stowaway Collection Maternity: Modern maternity wear that shows off your bump.

    Finding clothes that still make you feel like yourself isn't always easy. With their premium fabrics and universally flattering cuts, we can't get enough of the maternity wardrobe essentials from Stowaway Collection maternity. Even better? Everything from the mama/daughter duo owned brand is sewn in Long Island City, NY and they source USA-made fabric whenever possible.

    Superkin: High tech, low maintenance clothing designed for mamas.

    Superkin's line of focused essentials (launched by two retail execs, Miriam Williams and Tara Henning, who worked for world-class brands like Louis Vuitton, Walmart, J.Crew and Narvar) are meticulously designed with the needs of mamas in mind. Made from luxurious, wear tested fabrics and featuring thoughtful design details, they've created a line of clothing women actually want to wear. Each piece is a welcome addition to a solid maternity capsule wardrobe, making them a worthy investment from the first trimester.

    Tellus Mater: Sophisticated, luxury maternity wear with a minimalist aesthetic.

    Founded by a former ELLE and Marie Claire beauty editor, Tellus Mater offers high-end, sophisticated maternity looks. Designed for mamas who are looking beyond the standard ruched dresses and oversize T-shirts, the considered line features classic white blouses, tailored trousers and fitted turtlenecks with a minimalist aesthetic. Their classic feel can easily carry mamas from meetings to business dinners all in one day.

    Not sure where to start? Here's what we're adding to our cart:

    Keep reading Show less

    The important safety tip parents need to know about sleep + car seats

    Why you might want to plan for more pit stops on your next road trip.

    When we become parents we don't just have to learn how to take care of a baby, we also have to learn how, when and why to use all the different kinds of baby gear.

    Keep reading Show less