Body language expert shares 3 simple ways to raise socially skilled kids

Look, I’m going to level with you: When I first heard someone suggest teaching kids to “pretend they’re wearing a cape,” I thought it was going to be one of those cutesy parenting tips that sounds adorable but does absolutely nothing. You know the ones—like telling a toddler to “use their words” when they’re mid-meltdown over the wrong-colored sippy cup.

But then I came across a TikTok from Vanessa Van Edwards, and this woman might actually be onto something that could save us from a lifetime of our kids giving dead-fish handshakes at job interviews.

Who is this woman and why should we listen?

Van Edwards is the bestselling author of Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People and founder of Science of People, where she teaches science-backed people skills to audiences worldwide, including at Harvard, MIT, and Stanford. Her YouTube channel has over 66 million views and her TEDxLondon talk has over 5.7 million views.

In other words, this isn’t just someone’s mom sharing what worked for her kids (no shade—that’s literally what I do). This is someone who has built an entire career on understanding how humans connect, backed by actual research. So when she says she teaches these three specific social skills to her own kids, I’m inclined to pay attention.

The cape trick (remember power posing?)

Van Edwards’ first tip is to have kids imagine they’re wearing a cape when they walk into a room—shoulders back, head up, no hunching. If this sounds vaguely familiar, it’s because about a decade ago the internet lost its mind over “power posing.” Remember when everyone was standing like Wonder Woman in bathroom stalls before job interviews?

Yeah, well, it turns out there was actually something to all that hype. Research from Martin Luther University and the University of Bamberg found that children who adopted expansive, dominant body postures reported better mood and higher self-esteem than those who slouched. The effects were particularly striking when it came to questions about school.

Another study from Ohio State University found that people who sat up straight were more likely to believe in their own thoughts and capabilities, while those who slouched accepted their self-doubts more readily. Body language isn’t just about how others see us—it literally shapes how we see ourselves.

So yeah, the cape thing? It’s not just imagination. It’s giving your kid a mental shortcut to confidence. If imagining a superhero cape gets my kid to stop shuffling into their classroom like they’re apologizing for existing, I’m here for it.

The handshake that actually matters

Next up: the handshake. Van Edwards instructs kids to offer their hand with the thumb pointed up and squeeze like they’re squeezing a baseball. And before you roll your eyes and think “who even handshakes anymore?”—hold up.

Research from the University of Illinois found that handshakes not only improved favorable ratings in social interactions but also reduced negative impressions. When people shake hands, their brains release oxytocin, commonly called the “bonding hormone,” which is crucial for forming social bonds and fostering trust.

Think about it: We’re raising kids in a world where they can communicate with 47 people before breakfast without ever actually touching another human. Research shows that children’s ability to maintain healthy relationships depends heavily on early social experiences, and those with good social skills tend to have higher self-esteem and better coping mechanisms.

Teaching them that a handshake creates connection? That’s not outdated etiquette. That’s giving them a tool to create real human bonds in an increasingly digital world.

An important note: For some kids, especially those with sensory sensitivities or children on the autism spectrum, handshakes can feel uncomfortable or overstimulating. The unpredictability of physical touch or the pressure of the grip might be too much. If that’s your child, that’s completely okay—a wave, a fist bump, or even a verbal greeting can work just as well for making connection.

The eye contact hack that’s borderline brilliant

Instead of just telling kids to “make eye contact” (which, let’s be honest, feels weird and forced for everyone), she tells them to hunt for the other person’s eye color. Then she asks them afterward: What color were their eyes?

This is sneaky-smart for several reasons. Research shows that eye contact is crucial for social-emotional and language development, with studies finding that eye contact leads to greater language skills by age 2. Eye contact helps children understand the importance of communication and begins to develop perspective-taking—the ability to understand that others have different viewpoints.

But here’s the thing: telling kids to “make eye contact” often results in either awkward staring contests or them looking at your forehead and calling it close enough. By turning it into a game where they’re searching for eye color, Van Edwards has created a purpose for looking. It’s not about following a rule; it’s about being curious. And as she points out in the video, it’s especially helpful when adults are way taller than kids—it gives them a reason to really look up and engage.

An important note: For neurodivergent kids or children on the autism spectrum, eye contact can feel overwhelming or even painful. Research shows that many autistic individuals process social information differently, and forced eye contact can actually interfere with their ability to listen and communicate effectively. If your child struggles with direct eye contact, that’s okay—there are other ways to show engagement, like looking at someone’s forehead, nose, or mouth, or simply facing toward them while they speak. The goal is connection, not conformity to neurotypical standards.

Why this actually matters (beyond being polite)

Look, I know it’s easy to dismiss social skills as something kids will just “pick up” or as old-fashioned manners for manners’ sake. But according to Dr. Paul Schwartz, a psychology and child behavior expert, “More than half of children referred for emotional and behavioral problems have no friends or struggle to interact with peers, and friendships contribute significantly to developing social skills like being sensitive to others’ viewpoints and learning conversation rules.”

Another child psychologist who studied over 200 parent-child relationships found that kids learn to communicate and connect by watching how their parents behave, with emotional safety and authentic connection making a significant difference. In other words, we can’t just hope our kids figure this stuff out. They need to see it modeled and they need concrete, actionable ways to practice.

That said, these skills won’t look the same for every child. Kids with sensory sensitivities might find handshakes uncomfortable or overstimulating. Children on the autism spectrum might struggle with the unpredictability of physical touch or the intensity of eye contact. And that’s completely valid. The point isn’t to force every child into the same social mold—it’s to give them tools they can adapt to their own comfort level and communication style.

The bottom line

Are these three tips going to magically transform your kid into a tiny networking executive? Probably not. Will they solve all your parenting challenges? Absolutely not—you’ll still be negotiating bedtimes and explaining why we can’t have ice cream for breakfast.

But what Van Edwards offers here is something actually useful: specific, memorable, research-backed techniques that kids can use in real situations. The cape imagery for posture, the baseball squeeze for handshakes, and the eye color hunt for contact—these are concrete actions, not vague instructions to “be confident” or “be polite.”

These techniques work best when they’re adapted to your individual child. Maybe your kid loves the cape visualization but handshakes feel weird to them—that’s fine. Maybe eye contact is too intense, but they can master looking at someone’s nose or chin—that counts too. The goal is helping kids find ways to connect and communicate that feel authentic to them.

In a world where our kids are growing up behind screens, learning to walk into a room like they belong there, shake hands like they mean it, and look people in the eye with genuine curiosity? Those aren’t just social skills. They’re survival skills.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go practice my own cape walk. Because let’s be real—most of us adults could use a refresher on this stuff too.