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"My son seems like he's in the midst of a contest every moment. He needs to be first to get to the car, first to choose his seat, first to finish his dinner. He also needs to be best. What can I do to help him not be one of those super-competitive children and just live his life, rather than try to prove over and over again how good he is?"

There's not a quick fix for your son's fixation on being first and best. If there were, we would have a much more peaceful world. This "need to be best" mentality is actually endemic in our society. We are trained to be competitive from early in our lives. Some of us can see that there are many attributes that each person, each city, and each country has that can be appreciated, and that there's always going to be something a person, city or country can learn from another. But many of us have grown to need to be on the "winning" side of every issue, in order to feel okay.

The root of the strong need to win

Often, the root of a child's competitive behavior that shows up time and time again is some early difficult time in his life. Something like a hospitalization, a severe illness, a separation from a parent, or some other grinding tension at home can leave a child feeling alone. That feeling sticks with a child. It is kept under wraps in the child's emotional memory, but the effect of it shows up in how they interact with others.

With that early emotional ache still held fast inside him, a child sets out to try hard to make himself feel better. When he feels like he is in control—he's first, or best, or the boss—the ache doesn't seem so bad. He carries the emotional memory of desperately needing attention, the attention he couldn't feel when he was ill, threatened, or when his family was under stress.

So, under the guise of proving himself every 15 minutes, a child will make repeated bids for the attention he didn't get, way back then. There's no crisis now, but the feeling of needing attention immediately is insatiable. No matter how much attention a child gets for being first or best or the boss, it never feels like enough. He needs more, ever more!

Super-competitive children will often sign for your help

Super-competitive children need attention, but not in the way they are seeking it. They need their parents to come close, to show them affection, to show their love. But they don't need to win all the time! And they don't need to be first, or the boss, all the time.

What they do need is a chance to offload the emotional hurt that's left over from early helpless times, so that they can feel closer to those around them, and more open to the give and take of life. A parent is in the very best position to relieve the sting of early hard times that's at the root of the super-competitive behavior. You don't really need to know what makes your child so competitive—you might have a guess, but no analysis of the root of the problem is necessary. What is helpful is the use of two very powerful listening tools: Playlistening and Staylistening.

These tools help your child secure laughter (that's not forced by tickling, but is encouraged by nuzzling, wrestling, and affection) and great big hearty cries, with your support. These emotional release valves let the tension out, and let your child feel you are caring. They help heal the hurt, as long as you are there to pour in your love and your confidence that your child's life is good.

Playlisten to reassure your child that they're loved and to secure laughter

Playlistening is playing to evoke laughter, but without forcing it—in other words, no tickling allowed. With a super competitive child, two kinds of Playlistening are helpful. In one, you lose again and again and allow them to win. You playfully keep trying, you playfully never give up hope, but your child is the victor. You watch for what makes your child laugh, and you keep doing that, and variations on that theme.

The older and more capable a child is, the more of a contest you have to set up with them, but don't try to be skilled at a sport. Set up contests that let you show affection. "I've got 100 kisses for you" is a good one, where you chase him and catch him and try to land a kiss, and your child gets away Scot free often, but not all of the time. You keep trying. "Come on, feel the love!" is what I tell my grandson when we're playing this kind of affection game. You can complain that your kisses need a place to land, a lovely place to land.

Or, when your child arrives first at the kitchen table at lunch on Saturday and announces it to make his sister feel bad, just say, "Okay, I get to hug the guy who got here first! Yes, I do!" and chase him all through the house, giving him a good contest. Matter of fact, you can do that for many of the "wins" he announces.

You can vary your affectionate response. "The prize for First is a noogie on the head. Come here, you handsome Champ, you!" or "Yay, you came in first at the car door! The guy who comes first gets to be lifted into the car upside down! And the girl who comes in second gets lifted into the car right side up!" Or, "Hey, look who's first again. You know what I do with the one who's first? He gets a great big snuggle from me!" followed by a really big squeeze. You give an affectionate squeeze to the child who's second, too.

This kind of response will get laughter going around being first and will help you bring your super-competitor your affection and energy many times a day, warming up your relationship with him, and beginning to fill that aching need for reassurance that lies underneath his drive to be first. As laughter rolls, he's receiving your attention and affection. It reaches his emotional center. It helps heal the hurt.

When several children are playing together, and your super-competitor is loudly announcing that he's first, again and again, join the game. Come in last, and let the children all laugh at your last-place finish. "Hey, Joey is first! Helen is second! Ray-Ray is third, and, oh no, not again! I'm last??!! Yikes, last again!" will help them play together without feeling less than.

When your child loses, or when you set limits on their bossiness, staylisten

As you get laughter going in your household, and pursue affectionate contests and playful responses to your child's hunger for winning, his sense of emotional safety will build. You'll notice that he becomes more explosive when little things disappoint him. This is a sign of progress! When he is upset, you have a golden opportunity to move closer, and to pour in the love and reassurance he so badly needed earlier in his life.

The disappointment over a sandwich cut wrong, or a video game he is not allowed to finish because its bedtime will be enormous. And all that emotion is there, not because he's lost his mind, but because that was the size of the emotional hurt he sustained when he was much smaller, much more vulnerable, and deeply in need of someone to listen to him.
So, listen. Stay close. Don't give in to a sensible limit you have set. "I know it's hard to let your sister have her turn at that game. She doesn't do it the way you would," is what you say while your child fights and kicks to get away from you, wanting to run and grab the game away from her. You stay. You keep her safe from his intrusion. He cries and fights, safe but very unhappy, in your arms, while you say now and then, "I know you don't want her to touch it. But it's her turn, and you'll get another turn in a while."

Allow him to feel desperate. To feel like his world is so unfair. To feel like nothing is right. To feel like everything is ruined for him. These are feelings erupting from the past, splashing onto the present in a big, messy way. This is what heals the hurt that makes it hard for him to accept others and to play with others, rather than against them.

As you stay with your upset child, he may become panicky. "I need to get out! Don't hold me here! I need to breathe! I can't breathe!" or "I'm burning up!" or "I'm thirsty, you have to get me some water! I need water now!" This panic is a key part of releasing fear. He needs you to guide him through his panic, without trying to fix it. He may indeed be hot, but he's not going to die. He may indeed feel thirsty, but another few minutes without a drink will be OK. What he most needs is your confidence that he's going to make it, that his life will be good, and that you're not going to leave him stranded.

Don't get too busy trying to fix anything. Just lift his shirt and blow on his tummy if he is hot. Or offer to carry him in your arms to get water, if he's thirsty. Usually, a child who is panicked will refuse to let you carry him to get a drink. Being carried continues the closeness you provide, and it's no escape from facing and feeling how frightened he once was. He knows he doesn't need a drink that badly. If he does, he'll let you carry him there.

When you have listened enough, and his mind is finally free of the grip of stale-dated emotions, he'll be glad to be close to you. He may cry some, but not while fighting you. He'll lean in for support and love. And whatever the issue was that set him off will resolve in his mind, usually without rancor toward anyone. He'll be able to let it go. And you will most likely see some changes in his behavior that signal that he's gained a little flexibility.

He showed you how bad it felt once. You received his feelings, listened, and stayed through the storm. His need to prove himself goes down a notch, though he may have to show you his feelings a number of times before he can become a truly less-than-super-competitive child.

A listening partner will help you listen and play well

Things will progress even faster if you can create a Listening Partnership for yourself, so you can talk to a non-judgmental parent about your feelings about your super-competitor. You may feel like he's "bad," or feel like he's ruining your family's peace and serenity, or worry that he's never going to learn to play well with others. These feelings need to be heard by someone who will just let you have your say.

It will help to talk about your pregnancy and the birth of your child, and how things went during his first year or two. If you find things to be angry about or to cry about there, go ahead! Or if you're tempted to yell at or lecture your super-competitor, a Listening Partner is the ideal person to do that with. Letting off your own emotional steam will make it easier to play affectionately so that laughter ensues, and to listen to your child when he feels the chips are down so that he is ever surer of your love.

Originally posted on Hand in Hand Parenting.

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Baby stuff comes in such cute prints these days. Gone are the days when everything was pink and blue and covered in ducks or teddy bears. Today's baby gear features stylish prints that appeal to mom.

That's why it's totally understandable how a mama could mistake a car seat cover for a cute midi skirt. It happened to Lori Farrell, and when she shared her mishap on Facebook she went viral before she was even home from work. Fellow moms can totally see the humor in Farrell's mishap, and thankfully, so can she.

As for how a car seat cover could be mistaken for a skirt—it's pretty simple, Farrell tells Motherly.

"A friend of mine had given me a huge lot of baby stuff, from clothes to baby carriers to a rocker and blankets and when I pulled it out I was not sure what it was," she explains. "I debated it but washed it anyway then decided because of the way it pulled on the side it must be a maternity skirt."

Farrell still wasn't 100% sure if she was right by the time she headed out the door to work, but she rocked the ambiguous attire anyway.

"When I got to work I googled the brand and realized not only do they not sell clothing but it was a car seat cover."

The brand, Itzy Ritzy, finds the whole thing pretty funny too, sharing Farell's viral moment to its official Instagram.

It may be a car seat cover, but that print looks really good on this mama.

And if you want to copy Farell's style, the Itzy Ritzy 4-in-1 Nursing Cover, Car Seat Cover, Shopping Cart Cover and Infinity Scarf (and skirt!) is available on Amazon for $24.94.

Motherly is your daily #momlife manual; we are here to help you easily find the best, most beautiful products for your life that actually work. We share what we love—and we may receive a commission if you choose to buy.You've got this.

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Daycare for infants is expensive across the country, and California has one of the worst states for parents seeking care for a baby. Putting an infant in daycare in California costs $2,914 more than in-state tuition for four years of college, according to the Economic Policy Institute.

Paying north of $1,000 for daycare each month is an incredible burden, especially on single-parent families. The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services defines affordable childcare as costing no more than 10% of a family's income—by that definition, less than 29% of families in California can afford infant care. Some single parents spend half their income on day care. It is an incredible burden on working parents.

But that burden may soon get lighter. CBS Sacramento reports California may put between $25 and $35 million into child care programs to make day care more affordable for parents with kids under 3 years old.

Assembly Bill 452, introduced this week, could see $10 million dollars funneled into Early Head Start (which currently gets no money from the state but does get federal funding) and tens of millions more would be spent on childcare for kids under three.

The bill seeks to rectify a broken childcare system. Right now, only about 14% of eligible infants and toddlers are enrolled in subsidized programs in California, and in 2017, only 7% of eligible children younger than three years of age accessed Early Head Start.

An influx of between $25 to $35 million dollars could see more spaces open up for kids under three, as Bill 452, if passed, would see the creation of "grants to develop childcare facilities that serve children from birth to three years of age."

This piece of proposed legislation comes weeks after California's governor announced an ambitious plan for paid parental leave, and as another bill, AB 123, seeks to strengthen the state's pre-kindergarten program.

Right now, it is difficult for some working parents to make a life in California, but by investing in families, the state's lawmakers could change that and change California's future for the better.

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When a mama gets married, in most cases she wants her children to be part of her big day. Photographers are used to hearing bride-to-be moms request lots of pictures of their big day, but when wedding photographer Laura Schaefer of Fire and Gold Photography heard her client Dalton Mort planned to wear her 2-year-old daughter Ellora instead of a veil, she was thrilled.

A fellow mama who understands the benefits of baby-wearing, Schaefer was keen to capture the photos Mort requested. "When I asked Dalton about what some of her 'must get' shots would be for her wedding, she specifically asked for ones of her wearing Ellie, kneeling and praying in the church before the tabernacle," Schaefer tells Motherly.

She got those shots and so many more, and now Mort's toddler-wearing wedding day pics are going viral.

"Dalton wore Ellie down the aisle and nursed her to sleep during the readings," Schaefer wrote on her blog, explaining that Ellie then slept through the whole wedding mass.

"As a fellow mother of an active toddler, this is a HUGE win! Dalton told me after that she was SO grateful that Ellie slept the whole time because she was able to focus and really pray through the Mass," Schaefer explains.

Dalton was able to concentrate on her wedding day because she made her baby girl a part of it (and that obviously tired Ellie right out).

Ellie was part of the commitment and family Dalton if forging with her husband, Jimmy Joe. "There is no better behaved toddler than a sleeping toddler, and she was still involved, even though I ended up unwrapping her to nurse her. I held her in my arms while my husband and I said our vows. It was really special for us," Dalton told POPSUGAR.

This is a wedding trend we are totally here for!

Congrats to Dalton and Jimmy Joe (and to Ellie)! 🎉

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The internet is freaking out about how Peppa Pig is changing the way toddlers speak, but parents don't need to be too worried.

As Romper first reported, plenty of American parents have noticed that preschoolers are picking up a bit of a British accent thanks to Peppa. Romper's Janet Manley calls it "the Peppa effect," noting that her daughter started calling her "Mummy" after an in-flight Peppa marathon.


Plenty of other parents report sharing Manley's experience, but the British accent is not likely to stick, experts say.

Toronto-based speech and language pathologist Melissa James says this isn't a new thing—kids have always been testing out the accents they hear on TV and in the real world, long before Peppa oinked her way into our Netflix queues.

"Kids have this amazing ability to pick up language," James told Global News. "Their brains are ripe for the learning of language and it's a special window of opportunity that adults don't possess."

Global News reports that back in the day there were concerns about Dora The Explorer potentially teaching kids Spanish words before the kids had learned the English counterparts, and over in the U.K., parents have noticed British babies picking up American accents from TV, too.

But it's not a bad thing, James explains. When an American adult hears "Mummy" their brain translates it to "Mommy," but little kids don't yet make as concrete a connection. "When a child, two, three or four, is watching a show with a British accent and hears [words] for the first time, they are mapping out the speech and sound for that word in the British way."

So if your baby is oinking at you, calling you "Mummy" or testing out a new pronunciation of "toh-mah-toe," know that this is totally natural, and they're not going to end up with a life-long British pig accent.

As Dr, Susannah Levi, associate professor of communicative sciences and disorders at New York University, tells The Guardian, "it's really unlikely that they'd be acquiring an entire second dialect from just watching a TV show."

It sure is cute though.

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