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I got into the field of psychology because I wanted to help others, and this desire to help came from my ability to easily empathize. I never knew just how valuable empathy was as a parent until I started noticing the narration running through my mind as my daughter would cry, whine or scream.


I will be the first to admit that when I first became a parent I was not able to consistently use empathy. I was anxious and frustrated that I could not figure out how to help my very tearful (and reportedly colicky) baby during those first few months, and every time I thought I had the parenting routine down, developmental changes made me shift everything.

Fast-forward a couple of years—I noticed my daughter crying at bathtime and found myself saying in my head, “She really gets upset when water gets in her eyes. She’s really scared that shampoo will get in her eye.” I then wish I had bought curved rinse-cup that would fit up against her forehead. I also thought the tear-free shampoo wouldn’t bother the eyes until I decided to try it and noticed how annoying it felt, as my eyes were feeling like they were reducing to raisins.

My point in saying all this is that empathy was the one of the keys to keeping myself calm.

I would reflect what she was expressing to me,“You really don’t like it when we wash your hair. You are worried that water and soap will get in your eyes,” but I knew that I still had to get her through it and continued to say, “We will try and make sure that water does not get in your eyes.”

How would this look if I were not coming from a place of empathy?

Well, for one, I may lose my cool because I may view her as an obstacle to getting her own hair clean thinking in my head, “Just let me clean your hair so that this can be done with!”

I may raise my voice and make it even more difficult for her to manage her feelings, as she may feel that she is unsafe to express her feelings with me or that her interests are not my priority. This pattern can continue for many months or possibly even years—with my frustration only increasing and her ability to see me as an understanding parent diminishing.

And no one wants that. So here’s how we can parent with more empathy:

1. Be aware

Notice what you are saying to yourself as your child begins to whine or cry. Are you finding yourself frustrated that your child is not listening? Do you keep nudging them to get through the difficulty by saying, “You’re okay.”

If this is you, know that you are not alone. In fact, we have likely all been here at some point. Instead of being really hard on ourselves for having been there, let’s just notice it.

Notice why it is difficult to tolerate the tears or frustration that your child is experiencing. Are you taking this as a reflection of you as a parent?

I will tell you right now that whining and crying does not mean that you are doing something wrong as a parent.

It is simply the current mode of expression while your young child is learning language and learning how to regulate himself in order to express themselves through words. Their brain is nowhere nearly as developed as yours, so it is important to shift the expectation you have for your child. Research now says that the brain is not fully developed until about age 25.

2. Take time for yourself

You have to take care of yourself in order to take care of others—If your cup is empty, you have nothing else to give. Self-care does not necessarily mean manicures and massages.

For me self-care is waking up at 5 a.m. to exercise for 15 minutes, have my cup of tea, eat breakfast without distractions, and do a little bit of something I enjoy (like writing or reading). And yes on some days this is not realistic and sleeping in a little bit longer becomes my self-care.

What does it look like for you? Taking care of yourself can be those little things that actually make a big difference. For example, actually taking a lunch break at work and using part of the time to go for a walk or setting limits to how many events, birthdays and get togethers you commit to.

Overall, I notice that self-care really means slowing ourselves down and being intentional with our decisions. It’s so easy to move from one thing to the next never letting ourselves catch a break. So if nothing else, work on slowing down as a part of your self-care.

3. Put yourself in your child’s shoes

Empathy is going to be the key to getting out of your own head and into your child’s. You will not easily shift to an empathic point of view if you are not aware of your own perceptions and neglecting yourself. This is why I put it for step three.

Sometimes it is helpful to think back to when you were a child and recall what you needed when you were tearful or upset. Keep asking yourself, “What is my child trying to tell me right now? What does my child need from me right now?” This will help you get to an empathic understanding of your child rather than focusing on, “How can I get them to stop their crying/whining?”

4. Identify their emotions

Here you are going to help your child gain the words to express himself. For example, “It looks like you are upset because we have to leave the park. I know it can be hard to say ‘good-bye’ when we are having fun. We will be coming back to the park tomorrow.”

5. Stay calm

It is incredibly important to remain calm above all. If there is anything you forget, please DO NOT forget this one.

By staying calm you are showing your child that you are able to handle the situation.

Often times we have this idea in our heads that we are showing that we are in charge when we raise our voice or yell.

Helping our children be calm, starts by showing them how. If you want to help your child feel secure, you need to remain calm so that they know you feel like you can handle it. If you must, go ahead and fake it until you make it here.

Take a few minutes to get yourself in the right space before responding. And if you notice yourself being reactive, see my next step.

6. Take the time

Give yourself room to grow. These changes will definitely not happen overnight. You might find yourself forgetting to fill your cup, stressed by many things at once, and raising your voice at your child.

You will make mistakes. We all do.

The most important thing you can do when this happens is become aware of it and acknowledge your mistake to your child. For instance, “I was upset and yelled. It was not okay for me to yell. What I wanted to tell you is that I see that you are upset, but we still need to go. I am here to help you go back to the car.”

So much of this requires us to unlearn the things that we have been taught through our own families, friends, and through society. The more we practice this, the easier it will become.

Who said motherhood doesn't come with a manual?

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With two babies in tow, getting out the door often becomes doubly challenging. From the extra things to carry to the extra space needed in your backseat, it can be easy to feel daunted at the prospect of a day out. But before you resign yourself to life indoors, try incorporating these five genius products from Nuna to get you and the littles out the door. (Because Vitamin D is important, mama!)

1. A brilliant double stroller

You've got more to carry—and this stroller gets it. The DEMI™ grow stroller from Nuna easily converts from a single ride to a double stroller thanks to a few easy-to-install accessories. And with 23 potential configurations, you're ready to hit the road no matter what life throws at you.

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2. A light car seat

Lugging a heavy car seat is the last thing a mama of two needs to have on her hands. Instead, pick up the PIPA™ lite, a safe, svelte design that weighs in at just 5.3 pounds (not counting the canopy or insert)—that's less than the average newborn! When you need to transition from car to stroller, this little beauty works seamlessly with Nuna's DEMI™ grow.

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3. A super safe car seat base

The thing new moms of multiples really need to get out the door? A little peace of mind. The PIPA™ base features a steel stability leg for maximum security that helps to minimize forward rotation during impact by up to 90% (compared to non-stability leg systems) and 5-second installation for busy mamas.

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4. A diaper bag you want to carry

It's hard to find an accessory that's as stylish as it is functional. But the Nuna diaper bag pulls out all the stops with a sleek design that perfectly conceals a deceptively roomy interior (that safely stores everything from extra diapers to your laptop!). And with three ways to wear it, even Dad will want to take this one to the park.

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5. A crib that travels

Getting a new baby on a nap schedule—while still getting out of the house—is hard. But with the SENA™ aire mini, you can have a crib ready no matter where your day takes you. It folds down and pops up easily for sleepovers at grandma's or unexpected naps at your friend's house, and the 360-degree ventilation ensures a comfortable sleep.

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With 5 essentials that are as flexible as you need to be, the only thing we're left asking is, where are you going to go, mama?

This article was sponsored by Nuna. Thank you for supporting the brands that support Motherly and mamas.


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Parents in New Jersey will soon get more money and more time for parental leave after welcoming a baby.

This week New Jersey Governor Phil Murphy signed off on legislation that extends New Jersey's paid family leave from six weeks to 12.

It also increases the benefit cap from 53% of the average weekly wage to 70%, meaning the maximum benefit for a parent on family leave will be $860 a week, up from $650.

It might not seem like a huge difference, but by raising the benefit from two-thirds of a parent's pay to 85%, lawmakers in New Jersey are hoping to encourage more parents to actually take leave, which is good for the parents, their baby and their family. "Especially for that new mom and dad, we know that more time spent bonding with a child can lead to a better long-term outcome for that child," Murphy said at a press conference this week.

The law will also make it easier for people to take time off when a family member is sick.

Because NJ's paid leave is funded through payroll deductions, workers could see an increase in those deductions, but Murphy is betting that workers and businesses will see the benefits in increasing paid leave benefits. "Morale goes up, productivity goes up, and more money goes into the system," Murphy said. "And increasingly, companies big and small realize that a happy workforce and a secure workforce is a key ingredient to their success."

The new benefits will go into effect in July 2020 (making next Halloween a good time to get pregnant in the Garden State).

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Whether you just need to stock up on diapers or you've had your eye on a specific piece of baby gear, you might want to swing by your local Walmart this Saturday, February 23rd.

Walmart's big "Baby Savings Day" is happening from 10:30 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. at participating Walmarts (but more deals can be found online at Walmart.com already and the website deals are happening for the rest of the month).

About 3,000 of the 3,570 Supercenter locations are participating in the sale (check here to see if your local Walmart is).

The deals vary, but in general you can expect up to 30% off on items like cribs, strollers, car seats, wipes, diapers and formula.

Some items, like this Graco Modes 3 Lite Travel System have been marked down by more than $100. Other hot items include this Lille Baby Complete Carrier (It's usually $119, going for $99 during the sale) and the Graco 4Ever 4-in-1 Convertible Car Seat (for as low as $199).

So if you're in need of baby gear, you should check out this sale. Travel gear isn't the only category that's been marked down, there are some steep discounts on breast pumps, too.

Many of the Walmart locations will also be offering samples and expert demos of certain products on Saturday so it's worth checking out!

Motherly is your daily #momlife manual; we are here to help you easily find the best, most beautiful products for your life that actually work. We share what we love—and we may receive a commission if you choose to buy. You've got this.

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Any Schumer has not had an easy pregnancy. She intended to keep working, but if you follow her on social media you know she's been very sick through each trimester.

And now in her final trimester she's had to cancel her tour due to hyperemesis gravidarum, also known as HG. It's a rare but very serious form of extreme morning sickness, and on Friday evening Schumer announced she is canceling the rest of her tour because of it.

“I vomit every time [I] ride in a car even for 5 minutes," Schumer explained in an Instagram post.

Due to the constant vomiting she's not cleared to fly and just can't continue to the tour.

This is not the first time Schumer has had to make an announcement about HG. Back in November, just weeks after announcing her pregnancy, she had to cancel shows and again broke the news via Instagram.

She posted a photo of herself in a hospital bed with her little dog Tati, and spelled out the details of her health issues in the caption. "I have hyperemesis and it blows," Schumer wrote.

Poor Amy. Hyperemesis gravidarum is really tough.

Kate Middleton, Ayesha Curry and Motherly co-founder Elizabeth Tenety are among those who, like Schumer, have suffered from this form of severe morning sickness that can be totally debilitating.

As she previously wrote for Motherly, Tenety remembers becoming desperately ill, being confined to her apartment (mostly her bed) and never being far from a trash can, "I lost 10% of my body weight. I became severely dehydrated. I couldn't work. I couldn't even get out of bed. I could barely talk on the phone to tell my doctor how sick I was—begging them to please give me something, anything—to help."

Thankfully, she found relief through a prescription for Zofran, an anti-nausea drug.


Schumer probably knows all about that drug. It looks she is getting the medical help she obviously needs, and she was totally right to cancel the tour in order to stay as healthy as possible.

We're glad to see Schumer is getting help, and totally understand why she would have to cancel her shows. Any mama who has been through HG will tell you, that wouldn't be a show you'd want front row seats for anyway.

Get well soon, Amy!

[A version of this post was published November 15, 2018. It has been updated.]

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As a military spouse, Cydney Cooper is used to doing things alone. But when she delivered her twin daughters early after complications due to Influenza A, she was missing her husband Skylar more than ever.

Recovering from the flu and an emergency C-section, and trying to parent the couple's two older boys and be with her new infant daughters in the NICU, Cydney was exhausted and scared and just wanted her husband who was deployed in Kuwait with the Army and wasn't expected home for weeks.

Alone in the NICU 12 days after giving birth, Cydney was texting an update on the twins to her husband when he walked through the door to shoulder some of the massive burden this mama was carrying.

"I was typing up their summary as best I could and trying to remember every detail to tell him when I looked up and saw him standing there. Shock, relief, and the feeling that everything was just alright hit me at once. I just finally let go," she explains in a statement to Motherly.

The moment was captured on video thanks to a family member who was in on Skylar's surprise and the reunion has now gone viral, having been viewed millions of times. It's an incredible moment for the couple who hadn't seen each other since Skylar had a three-day pass in seven months earlier.

Cydney had been caring for the couple's two boys and progressing in her pregnancy when, just over a week before the viral video was taken, she tested positive for Influenza A and went into preterm labor. "My husband was gone, my babies were early, I had the flu, and I was terrified," she tells Motherly.

"Over the next 48 hours they were able to stop my labor and I was discharged from the hospital. It only lasted two days and I went right back up and was in full on labor that was too far to stop."

Cydney needed an emergency C-section due to the babies' positioning, and her medical team could not allow anyone who had previously been around her into the operating room because anyone close to Cydney had been exposed to the flu.

"So I went in alone. The nurses and doctors were wonderful and held my hand through the entire thing but at the same time, I felt very very alone and scared. [Skylar] had been present for our first two and he was my rock and I didn't have him when I wanted him the most. But I did it! He was messaging me the second they wheeled me to recovery. Little did I know he was already working on being on his way."

When he found out his baby girls were coming early Skylar did everything he could to get home, and seeing him walk into the NICU is a moment Cydney will hold in her heart and her memory forever. "I had been having to hop back and forth from our sons to our daughters and felt guilty constantly because I couldn't be with all of them especially with their dad gone. It was one of the most amazing moments of my life and I won't be forgetting it."

It's so hard for a military spouse to do everything alone after a baby comes, and the military does recognize this. Just last month the Army doubled the amount of leave qualifying secondary caregivers (most often dads) can take after a birth or adoption, from 10 days to 21 so that moms like Cydney don't have to do it all alone.

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