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One of the most common questions I am asked about relationships is whether a child can be too attached to his or her parents. There is a general fear and persistent myth that if we focus on building relationships with our kids, we may hinder their grow as independent and self-sufficient beings. There is a paradoxical relationship between attachment and separation, which is often misunderstood.


The short story is this: Attachment doesn’t slow down growth, it fuels it.

When you consider the big picture, the ultimate goal in raising a child is to help them become their own separate person. We should want them to have their own mind, set their own goals, form their own reasons, make their own decisions, think for themselves, know their boundaries and create their own intentions. What we really need to be asking is: What do we need to do to make sure our kids grow like this?

Children younger than three routinely cling to their parents. They may chase after them, cry when they are not near and be unhappy when they have to share their parent’s attention with others.

Young children are hungry for attachment because they lack self-sufficiency and are highly dependent on us for caretaking. By the time they reach 5 to 7 years of age, they should be able to play more freely on their own, take responsibility for simple things like getting dressed and even start to do chores such as cleaning up their toys.

Children can’t be too attached, they can only be not deeply attached. Attachment is meant to make our kids dependent on us so that we can lead them. It is our invitation for relationship that frees them to stop looking for love and to start focusing on growing.

When kids can take for granted that their attachment needs will be met, they are freed to play, discover, imagine, move freely and pay attention. It is paradoxical but when we fulfill their dependency needs, they are pushed forward towards independence. As a child matures they should become more capable of taking the steering wheel in their own life and we will be able to retreat into a more consulting role.

Whenever children can take for granted their attachment needs will be met, they will no longer be preoccupied with pursuing us. In other words, when you can count on your caretaker, you no longer need to cling to them. Kids who are clinging to us when they are no longer preschoolers may be doing so out of insecurity. It is security in the attachment relationship that frees children and allows them to let go of us; attachment isn’t the enemy of maturity but insecure relationships will be.

Other ways children may seek attachment

The prerequisite for growth is resting in the care of an adult. In other words, a child shouldn’t have to work for love. There are many ways kids can work at getting their relational needs met, such as...

A child works at trying hard to fit in, to belong, to be good enough and to measure up.

When a child is self-deprecating or tries to be favorable towards others so that they will be liked.

If a child works at getting attention—such as by being the class clown—and works to matter, be loved, recognized or be deemed special in some way.

Sometimes the child works at being pretty, smart or avoiding trouble in order to be liked or loved.

Bragging, boasting and being overly competitive in order to gain superiority can reveal a child’s inherent insecurity.

For a child to rest in someone’s care it means they need to be able to take this person’s relationship for granted. When kids feel they matter just as they are, they don’t have to alter themself in order to work for love.

How can adults foster attachment?

We need to take the lead to keep our kids close, to show them affection as appropriate, to pay attention to them and to provide an invitation for relationship that is unconditional. When we let them know their behavior is not okay, we can also make sure they understand that the relationship still is.

The biggest thing we need to do is to make sure their hunger for relationship is always outmatched by their faith in us to provide for them. They must trust in our capacity as a provider and not feel like they have to pursue us in order to make sure their needs are met.

The goal is to be both caring but firm while inviting our kids to depend on us. There are a few things we can do that make a significant difference this way...

Make it safe for them to depend on us by not using what they care about against them (e.g., sanctions and withdrawing privileges) or forms of separation-based discipline, such as time-outs.

We need to earn their trust by being consistent in our caretaking, as well as being generous with our attention and signs of warmth, delight and enjoyment

Take the lead in conveying we can handle them and whatever comes with this, including tantrums, resistance and opposition.

Be the one to comfort, guide, protect and hold onto them.

Don’t meet their demands, but meet their needs instead.

Arrange scenarios where they have to depend on you, including outings or if you teach them a hobby or skill.

At the end of the day, the most important lesson is this: Children don’t need to be pushed to separate or to grow up. What kids need most are deep relationships and to be freed from their hunger for connection.

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Unstructured play is play without predetermined rules of the game. There are no organized teams, uniforms, coaches or trainers. It is spontaneous, often made-up on the spot, and changeable as the day goes on. It is the kind of play you see when puppies chase each other around a yard in endless circles or a group of kids play for hours in a fort they created out of old packing boxes.

Unstructured play is fun—no question about it—but research also tells us that it is critically important for the development of children's bodies and brains.

One of the best ways to encourage unstructured play in young children is by providing open-ended toys, or toys that can be used multiple ways. People Toy Company knows all about that. Since 1977, they've created toys and products designed to naturally encourage developmental milestones—but to kids, it all just feels like play.

Here are five reasons why unstructured play is crucial for your children—

1. It changes brain structure in important ways

In a recent interview on NPR's Morning Edition, Sergio Pellis, Ph.D., an expert on the neuroscience of play noted that play actually changes the structure of the developing brain in important ways, strengthening the connections of the neurons (nerve cells) in the prefrontal cortex, the area of the brain considered to be the executive control center responsible for solving problems, making plans and regulating emotions.

Because unstructured play involves trying out different strategies without particular goals or serious consequences, children and other animals get to practice different activities during play and see what happens. When Dr. Pellis compared rats who played as pups with rats that did not, he found that although the play-deprived rats could perform the same actions, the play-experienced rats were able to react to their circumstances in a more flexible, fluid and swift fashion.

Their brains seemed more "plastic" and better able to rewire as they encountered new experiences.

Hod Lipson, a computer scientist at Cornell sums it up by saying the gift of play is that it teaches us how to deal with the unexpected—a critically important skill in today's uncertain world.

2. Play activates the entire neocortex

We now know that gene expression (whether a gene is active or not) is affected by many different things in our lives, including our environment and the activities we participate in. Jaak Panksepp, Ph.D., a Professor at the University of Washington studied play in rats earning him the nickname of the "rat tickler."

He found that even a half hour of play affected the activity of many different genes and activated the outer part of the rats' brains known as the neocortex, the area of the brain used in higher functions such as thinking, language and spatial reasoning. We don't know for sure that this happens in humans, but some researchers believe that it probably does.

3. It teaches children to have positive interaction with others

It used to be thought that animal play was simply practice so that they could become more effective hunters. However, Dr. Panksepp's study of play in rats led him to the conclusion that play served an entirely different function: teaching young animals how to interact with others in positive ways. He believed that play helps build pro-social brains.

4. Children who play are often better students

The social skills acquired through play may help children become better students. Research has found that the best predictor of academic performance in the eighth grade was a child's social skills in the third grade. Dr. Pellis notes that "countries where they actually have more recess tend to have higher academic performance than countries where recess is less."

5. Unstructured play gets kids moving

We all worry that our kids are getting too little physical activity as they spend large chunks of their time glued to their electronic devices with only their thumbs getting any exercise. Unstructured play, whether running around in the yard, climbing trees or playing on commercial play structures in schools or public parks, means moving the whole body around.

Physical activity helps children maintain a healthy weight and combats the development of Type 2 diabetes—a condition all too common in American children—by increasing the body's sensitivity to the hormone insulin.

It is tempting in today's busy world for parents and kids to fill every minute of their day with structured activities—ranging from Spanish classes before school to soccer and basketball practice after and a full range of special classes and camps on the weekends and summer vacation. We don't remember to carve out time for unstructured play, time for kids to get together with absolutely nothing planned and no particular goals in mind except having fun.

The growing body of research on the benefits of unstructured play suggests that perhaps we should rethink our priorities.

Not sure where to get started? Here are four People Toy Company products that encourage hours of unstructured play.

1. People Blocks Zoo Animals

These colorful, magnetic building blocks are perfect for encouraging unstructured play in children one year and beyond. The small pieces fit easily in the hands of smaller children, and older children will love creating their own shapes and designs with the magnetic pieces.

People Blocks Zoo Animals 17 Piece Set, People Toy Company, $34.99

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This article was sponsored by People Toy Company. Thank you for supporting the brands that support Motherly and mamas.

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As we head into cold and flu season, parents are once again looking down at their little ones and wondering, Is this symptom serious?

One British mom, blogger and broadcaster Charlie O'Brien, has accidentally ensured that many parents can now identify a very serious symptom after a video of her daughter Luna (shot last year) went viral.

In the video Luna (then four weeks old) is breathing in a funny way. "Her breathing was quite fast and her nostrils were flaring," O'Brien explains in a statement to Motherly. With her onesie open, you can see that her ribs seem to be sucking in further than they should be. O'Brien says she now knows that Luna was showing signs of serious respiratory distress.

Experts who've viewed the video for Motherly agree.

"The breathing pattern shown in the video is known as retractions. This occurs when a baby has to use muscles between the ribs or in the neck to breathe and is a sign that a baby is having to work harder than normal to breathe," Dr. Kristin Dean, Associate Medical Director at Doctor On Demand tells Motherly.

O'Brien didn't know exactly what was going on with her daughter when she shot the video, but she knew something wasn't right. Two days earlier O'Brien had noticed Luna wasn't feeling well during a newborn photo shoot and had taken her to the hospital.

She was "concerned about Bronchiolitis as our son had previously had it," she says, adding that the medical staff "kept us in for a few hours but then discharged Luna without treatment as she was much better."

Two days later, the day the video was taken, O'Brien noticed that Luna had been uncharacteristically quiet all day. When she unbuttoned her outfit she saw the sucking in at the ribs, and knew it wasn't right. "I was watching her sleep next to me and realized it didn't look right. I unbuttoned her [outfit] and this is what i saw," she wrote in the caption for the video.

In her statement to Motherly, O'Brien explains why she took the video in the first place. "I called 111 [a telephone service provided by Britain's National Health Service to help people with medical issues] and awaited a call back and during that time I took the short video clip, to show the doctors in the hospital if necessary. In hindsight we perhaps should have called 999 [similar to 911 in the United States] or gone straight to A&E [the accident and emergency department, or ER] without waiting for a call back," she explains.

Because of her mother's call Luna was given priority admission to the pediatric department, where she spent the night on oxygen. She made a full recovery and is now a healthy 1-year-old.

Courtesy Charlie O'Brien



Experts say O'Brien was right to keep a cool head when she noticed her baby's strange breathing. "Although retractions should be taken seriously, it is best for parents not to panic if this is noticed. Instead, parents should take their child to see a doctor immediately. Retractions can occur between the ribs, below the sternum or in the area surrounding the collar bone and appear as a sucking in of the skin as seen in this video," says Dr. Dean.

Diana Spalding is a pediatric nurse and Motherly's Digital Education Editor. She agrees that parents should not panic, and suggests that "for serious respiratory concerns, like severe retractions or wheezing, gasping, or color changes, call 911."

Spalding notes that O'Brien didn't just keep calm and listen to the medical professionals she called, she also listened to herself, which is so important. "The mom trusted her gut," says Spalding. "Parents have a deep and trustworthy sense about when things are off with their children, and I always encourage them to act on that intuition."

Since posting the video, which has now been viewed more than 2.6 million times, O'Brien has heard from parents who have noticed similar symptoms in their own children, and trusted their gut as she did, seeking medical help quickly because they remembered O'Brien's video.

"I'm so pleased I shared the clip - if it means just one baby or family is helped," she says.


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In the moments after we give birth, we desperately want to hear our baby cry. In the middle of the night a few months later it's no longer exactly music to our ears, but those cries aren't just telling us that baby needs a night feeding: They're also giving us a hint at what our children may sound like as kindergarteners, and adults.

New research published in the journal Biology Letters suggests the pitch of a 4-month-old's cry predicts the pitch they'll use to ask for more cookies at age five and maybe even later on as adults.

The study saw 2 to 5-month olds recorded while crying. Five years later, the researchers hit record again and chatted with the now speaking children. Their findings, combined with previous work on the subject, suggest it's possible to figure out what a baby's voice will sound like later in life, and that the pitch of our adult voices may be traceable back to the time we spend in utero. Further studies are needed, but scientists are very interested in how factors before birth can impact decades later.

"In utero, you have a lot of different things that can alter and impact your life — not only as a baby, but also at an adult stage," one of the authors of the study, Nicolas Mathevon, told the New York Times.

The New York Times also spoke with Carolyn Hodges, an assistant professor of anthropology at Boston University who was not involved in the study. According to Hodges, while voice pitch may not seem like a big deal, it impacts how we perceive people in very real ways.

Voice pitch is a factor in how attractive we think people are, how trustworthy. But why we find certain pitches more or less appealing isn't known. "There aren't many studies that address these questions, so that makes this research especially intriguing," Hodges said, adding that it "suggests that individual differences in voice pitch may have their origins very, very early in development."

So the pitch of that midnight cry may have been determined months ago, and it may determine part of your child's future, too. There are still so many things we don't know, but as parents we do know one thing: Our babies cries (as much as we don't want to hear them all the time) really are something special.

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If you've got hamburger in your freezer you might want to check it before making dinner.

According to the United States Department of Agriculture, Cargill Meat Solutions is recalling approximately 132,606 pounds of ground beef products for possible Escherichia coli O26 (aka E.coli).

The beef was sold at various retailers, including Target, Meijer, Safeway and Sam's Club, as well as Save Mart in California. This comes after a previous recall involving ground beef sold at Publix.

The USDA's Food Safety and Inspection Service notes the recalls are the result of an investigation into 17 illnesses and one death in recent months, and that children under 5, older adults and people with weakened immune systems are the most at risk for a type of kidney failure common in people with E.coli infections.

"It is marked by easy bruising, pallor and decreased urine output. Persons who experience these symptoms should seek emergency medical care immediately," the agency notes.


Cargill has issued a statement on its website that reads, in part: "We were distressed to learn a fatality may be related to an E.coli contamination of one of our products. Our hearts go out to the families and individuals affected by this issue."

The recalled beef products were produced and packaged on June 21, 2018. They have a use or freeze by date of July 11.


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To my firstborn baby,
We were overjoyed when we found out we were pregnant with your brother. We were so excited to give you a sibling to play with; someone to love and grow up with. Someone who will be your buddy for life.

But our excitement quickly turned to worry as we thought about how this would affect you. You were the only grandchild, on both sides. The only nephew, on both sides. Basically, the king of the castle. And you relished in that title.

We took special care to wait as long as possible to tell you. We waited until 20 weeks when we knew you were going to be getting a brother. We felt it would be easier for you to wrap your head around and also shorter for you to wait for his arrival.

I still watch the video of you cutting into the gender reveal cake. You were SO excited to see blue—because that meant you were getting a brother. You were overjoyed with telling everyone the news because you were the first to know.

From there your love for him grew every day. YOU too had a baby in your belly. I was carrying YOUR baby. You told everyone who would listen that you were going to be a big brother. We wondered if your love for him would quickly fade when he was actually here. When you realized that you would have to share time and attention...

But we were wrong. Your heart grew a million times bigger the day your brother arrived.

You came to visit me in the hospital wearing your doctor uniform, to check on both of us. You made friends with the nurses. You wanted to make sure I was okay. You wanted to take care of me and were so proud to wear your "Big Brother" shirt your aunt made you.

You were such a trooper during his two-week stay in the NICU. You were too young to go in to visit him. So, for you, it meant you had this mysterious brother you could only see in pictures and videos.

You drew him cards and colored pictures for his isolette (which you so playfully called his aquarium). You told everyone at school you had a new brother and that he would be home soon—even though you didn't know when exactly. Your heart ached as much as ours did. You wanted him home as much, if not more, than we did. You wanted your new family of four.

Sometimes I feel like you are wise beyond your years. A little old man trapped in a pint-sized body.

You were the best helper for Mom and Dad in those first days and months of welcoming your baby brother into our family. You would tell everyone to use hand sanitizer, and check to see if anyone was sick before they walked through the door to our house.

You would tell everyone how to hold your baby. And then them the proper way. You would tell everyone to line up their shoes at the door. You just wanted to keep your brother healthy and safe, ever the protector.

I worried the honeymoon period would wear off, that you would wonder how long he was staying here.

But, I was wrong. It's almost a year later and you are still so in love with your brother. Truly in love. On your obligatory "first day of school sign" you listed your favorite things as: Star Wars, basketball and my brother.

You tell everyone that you love him more than anyone. The way you both laugh hysterically together during peek-a-boo in the back seat of the car literally makes my heart explode into a million pieces, in the best way possible. It is a joy and an admiration I never knew possible as I watch my two precious boys interact and love each other.

My wish is that you will always be best friends. That you always look out for each other. Continue to be each other's biggest fans. Root each other on, even when it's hard, or you don't want to. Because, my sweet, sweet boy, I want you to remember—your brother looks up to you. You are his role model for life. And I thank you for taking that role so seriously.

Love,
Your Mommy

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