We need more honest conversations around postpartum mood disorders—not judgment

If the Lindsay Clancy tragedy tells us anything, it’s that mothers need more help. I’m not writing this to excuse her actions or to minimize the harrowing damage that the loss of her children left behind. I am writing this because tragedies like these are a harsh reminder to make room for more honest conversations about the realities of postpartum mood disorders.

It’s easy to cast judgment. It’s second nature to spew shame, given the nature of the events that unfolded. My initial reaction was admittedly questioning what kind of mother could actually bring themselves to do that to her children; but then, a side of me felt sympathy. A side of me heard a mother’s cry for help—because a part of me understands some of the more grim realities of postpartum. 

Related: Moms who have experienced postpartum mental health struggles donate to Lindsay Clancy’s family 

I naively thought that I could steer clear of any type of postpartum mood disorders when I was pregnant with my son. As someone who has always struggled with anxiety, my husband and I planned different activities that I could do to keep my spirits high and anxiety low once our son arrived.

But those months following giving birth were not what I imagined. I was supposed to be this joy-filled mother with no worries in the world. Instead, I could barely recognize who I’d become, I felt immensely alone and more tears fell than I had prepared for—all with a newborn baby in my arms who I loved deeply, yet I was faced with this struggle of transitioning into motherhood.

This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. As someone who had yearned for years to become a mom, I was supposed to have it all together. I was supposed to be in pure bliss—and some moments I was, but many moments, I also wasn’t. I was in grief, and as the months went on and I continued struggling with my emotions, I realized that I needed help. I often felt outside of myself while desperately yearning to feel connected to the new version of myself that had emerged through motherhood. 

At first, this realization brought me shame. I wasn’t supposed to need help being a mother. It was supposed to come naturally. I had read the books, taken the courses and talked to experienced moms. I was supposed to have it all together—and yet I didn’t.

Dealing with postpartum is complicated enough on its own and in cases of tragedies like these, what could be the deeper problem is often missed. The truth about postpartum is that many mamas are struggling—and you don’t have to see the struggle for there to be one. A lot of moms are suffering in silence because society has spent so much time suppressing the cries of mothers begging for help. Begging for access to more resources, to more affordable care, to more paid parental leave.

I could not imagine taking the life of my own child, and I see that as a privilege. Because perhaps that says I’ve been afforded far more opportunities to receive help than Lindsay Clancy was. Because perhaps that says I didn’t deal with the severity of postpartum mood disorders like she allegedly did.  

Related: Postpartum depression and anxiety are more common than you may think—here are the resources you need 

And though I do not have the ability to say whether or not mental health was the sole factor that led to Lindsay Clancy’s actions (her husband stated she struggled with a condition that he did not specify on), I will say that the tragedy calls for more dialogue around mental health and motherhood. 

Getting help for any postpartum mood disorder is only half the battle. It’s waking up and trying to be the best mother you can possibly be, the best spouse you can be, the best you that you can be. It’s trying to calm the storm in your mind. It’s trying to silence intrusive thoughts. It’s not feeling encouraged to be open about your struggles out of fear of what others will think of you.

But it’s time for moms to stop suffering in silence when it comes to postpartum mood disorders. We need to welcome more dialogue around these very real experiences—without judgment or shame. 

Related: Secrets to better postpartum care from mothers across the globe

Hearing what she did to her kids shattered my mama heart in ways I cannot explain. What happened shouldn’t have happened.

I wish those babies’ lives were spared. I wish Lindsay Clancy could have seen the other side, before bringing herself to do what she did. And I hope that any mama struggling can find a space where they can be vulnerable, get the help they need and see the other side. The side beyond the dark thoughts, the feelings of isolation and the uncertainty that there will be better days.

Before I was diagnosed with postpartum depression and anxiety, I spoke with someone on a postpartum support line as I was searching for therapists and support groups within my area. I mentioned how I felt like a bad mom, like I didn’t deserve to be someone’s mother because of the fact that I was having a hard time adjusting. Her words of comfort in that time were, “You’re not a bad mom. You’re just a mom who needs more support, more help. And that’s OK.” 

My hope is that every mother hears something like this. And that every mother gets the help she needs before tragedies like this occur, so that the children we bring into this world do not become a casualty to our storms. Because they deserve our better days, just as much as we do.