How my anxiety taught me to be the mother I always wanted to be

*Has an anxiety

problem, easily overwhelmed, may need extra attention.

These were the words next to my new

student’s name at the kids yoga class I’m teaching this summer.

‘Me too’, was

my first thought.

I’ve struggled

with anxiety in different capacities for probably twenty years or so. While it

has been a demon of mine, it has forced me to move in ways I probably wouldn’t have otherwise—it’s been a great gift and teacher.

‘May need extra

attention.’

Finally, well into my thirties, I’ve learned to accept this

piece of myself. I’ve learned to carefully tend to the delicate line between

anxiety and ease, to gingerly care for my broken pieces. I spend a lot more time NOT being anxious

these days, so when I do head down that track, I quickly notice the stark

contrast.

I know now that my ability to navigate my world without

overwhelm depends on where I am walking, talking, doing, and being from.  Am I in headspace? Or am I in heart space?

After years of dancing between the two I have tools more readily accessible to

keep my in my healthy place—the heart space.

The two places look something like this:

Headspace.

When

I’m in my brain I’m thinking. List making. Noticing all the details of a project not

yet complete. Calculating how long bedtime might take and how much is left to

do.  When I navigate from headspace, I’m

generally snappier. I’m fearful. I worry. I never think I have enough time. And

then I commit to more.

Heartspace.

The

magical place. The land where love flows like water, hearts are full, and worries

seem to slip away.  When I’m here, in my

heart, days are full of ease. Answers open in front of me and I know what’s right. I

feel rested. I’m a patient mama when I’m here. I know, deep in my core, that so

long as we’ve loved that day—we’ve done enough. I go to bed satisfied, worn

out, heart full of gratitude.

It takes care and attention to stay in the heartspace. But the

pay off is immense. For both me and for my family—they notice the difference too.

Sometimes my head needs to do its logical work. That’s just

life. The brain needs to do its calculations and time management and all

that.  But I’ve learned to stop listening

to everything my brain tells me.  It’s a

trickster, that brain, wanting to tell me stories that aren’t even true. Things

like, ‘You have to do more.’ ‘You don’t have

enough time to play piano today.’ Stop, brain.

The truth is that I’m in the center of

exactly where I need to be. When my heart is filled with love—I am filled with

trust and abundance. And the more I dance with the love in my heart, the more

it grows. I tend to it and it expands, pushing the brain and all her logic

back where she belongs—waiting in the wings for the next time I need to figure

out directions or what time to leave for the

airport.  But not to tell me how to spend

the precious moments of my days. That’s not my brain’s job.

That is for my heart. For my soul to reach out and touch the

sun, the universe, to sparkle in all the poetry this world has to offer. This

is where I find my power, my grace, my truth.

My yoga teacher’s teacher, Baba Hari Dass, has a quote that

has been passing through my being often lately.

This week, I needed this reminder—to remember

that I do have the power to commit to living with heart, with inspiration. That

is how I combat my anxiety; that is how I breathe again, how I give myself

extra attention.

It all depends on which place I am viewing the world—from

an inspired heart, or from an anxious mind. Nowadays, instead of allowing myself to spiral completely out of control

and into the abyss of all consuming anxiety, I stop. I breathe. I play gorgeous

music. I dance. I cry. I snuggle. I get out of my head.

*Has an anxiety problem, easily overwhelmed, may need extra attention.

You and me both, kid. But we can do this. We are fierce and

we are full of love in this wild and crazy world.