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I am pregnant during a pandemic—I want to stay calm, but I'm freaking out

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I keep getting texts. I write back to another friend asking how I'm doing, "Good. A little anxious. Just waiting now. What a surreal time to have a baby!"

I don't want to overreact. I don't want other people to worry. I try to keep calm and positive. I am generally not a worrier. But after I send the text, I lose it for the third time today. I am bawling in the kitchen. I am worried and overwhelmed and pregnant during a global pandemic.

I am going to give birth to my second baby in the middle of the coronavirus outbreak, which is still on the upswing in Canada.

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Two weeks ago, my biggest concern while planning for this baby was if the rocking chair we ordered would come in time and who would be available to drop everything and care for our 2-year-old at home while I go to the hospital.

Now, with my due date days away, my concerns are indefinite and growing and anxiety-filled. I have friends and family in the healthcare system. A family member who is a NICU nurse tells me, "Get in, get out, as fast as you can."

My mind is tumbling with questions that are answered with uncertainty. Which potential care provider for my daughter has practiced social distancing? And the least exposure in public? My husband is still working, so could we possibly compromise our care provider if we have it and don't know?

I call my sister. "Have you been social distancing? Has your roommate been social distancing? Has your boyfriend been social distancing?" I've never used this term in my life and now I feel I say it in every second sentence.

She hasn't seen her boyfriend in almost two weeks in order to ensure she has self-isolated and is hopefully safe to take care of our daughter while my husband and I go to the hospital—even with her weakened immune system due to Crohn's Disease. There is no one else I can trust to have self-isolated properly and who my daughter is comfortable with. She is taking a risk, and I am forever grateful.

My local hospital has had its first COVID-19 cases, so it's there. The worries continue—How bad will it get and how many cases will be there when I go into labor? Will I catch it when I go in? Will I or my husband catch it before because he's still working? Will my daughter catch it? If I get COVID-19, will I have to quarantine from my new baby and my family?

My first daughter caught Respiratory Syncytial Virus (RSV) at 3 weeks old and that was terrifying enough. With all the unknowns for pregnant women and babies, how would COVID-19 affect a newborn if my newborn baby caught it?

What if my midwife catches it? Should I switch to a home birth to decrease exposure?

I call my midwife, who advises at this time to move forward with a hospital birth but informs me directives could change in a week. She also advises that during labor most of her work will be done over the phone to reduce her exposure in the hospital until the actual birth is imminent. She tells me, "Wear gloves and a mask if possible or cover your mouth when you go in. Don't touch any elevator buttons or anything. Go straight to maternity."

And, she says, no laughing gas is allowed. That was my lifeline during my daughter's birth two years ago.

Then, what will it look like after? When my daughter was born, my loving and wonderful support system brought meals and offered to clean or hold my daughter while I or my husband showered or took a nap. We joyously invited friends and family to come by to meet our new baby.

This time, we will not be able to allow visitors for the foreseeable future. Family and friends will have to meet the baby over FaceTime and videos or a peek through the window. We will be on our own.

I want my husband to stay home from work after the baby is born to decrease our risk for exposure but how can we justify that to his work and our bill payments? If my husband has to go back to work after his week of paid leave is up, I will be on my own—sleep-deprived with a toddler and a newborn,—and the hovering anxiety of COVID-19 leaking into our home.

As if pausing my worries, my daughter rolls her play stroller up to me with her baby doll inside. "Hold baby, Mama?" I'm so excited to see her become a big sister. In all of the unknowns spinning in my mind, she reminds me to stop for a second and feel thankful.

There are many people and families suffering in the world from this virus. As of now, I am healthy, my daughter and my husband are healthy, and so is the baby.

I am able to stay at home. My family and friends are social distancing and are safe at this time. I still have my support network even if we have to keep our distance (thank you to my mama friends for lifting my spirits by leaving a care package on my doorstep this week!). We have the technology to communicate and keep us connected. I have food and necessities.

I am so, so grateful for our healthcare and frontline workers, midwives and nurses and doctors, grocery clerks, food providers, utility workers, postal staff and all of the everyday heroes that are putting their health at risk to save us and make our world continue to go 'round.

I cuddle my daughter close and I find peace in the time to live slowly at home and be in the moment with her before the new baby.

I turn off my phone and the continuous pandemic updates for a while.

To all of the pregnant mothers at this time, I want to say—it's okay to cry and be anxious and scared in one moment and smile and be grateful and hopeful in the next.

It is a surreal time to be bringing a new baby into the world. But still a very special time, too.

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As a mid-Spring holiday, we never knew exactly what to expect from the weather on Easter when I was growing up in Michigan: Would we get to wear our new Sunday dresses without coats? Or would we be hunting for eggs while wearing snowsuits?

Although what the temperature had in store was really anyone's guess, there were a few special traditions my sister and I could always depend on—and it won't come as a surprise to anyone who knows me that my favorite memories revolved around food. After all, experts say memories are strongest when they tie senses together, which certainly seems to be true when it comes to holiday meals that involve the sounds of laughter and the taste of amazing food.

Now that I'm a parent, I'm experiencing Easter anew as my children discover the small delights of chocolate, pre-church brunch and a multi-generational dinner. While I still look forward to the treats and feasting, I'm realizing now that the sweetest thing of all is how these traditions bring our family together around one table.

For us, the build-up to Easter eats is an extended event. Last year's prep work began weeks in advance when my 3-year-old and I sat down to plan the brunch menu, which involved the interesting suggestion of "green eggs and ham." When the big morning rolled around, his eyes grew to the size of Easter eggs out of pure joy when the dish was placed on the table.

This year, rather than letting the day come and go in a flash, we are creating traditions that span weeks and allow even the littlest members of the family to feel involved.

Still, as much as I love enlisting my children's help, I also relish the opportunity to create some magic of my own with their Easter baskets—even if the Easter Bunny gets the credit. This year, I'm excited to really personalize the baskets by getting an "adoptable" plush unicorn for my daughter and the Kinder Chocolate Mini Eggs that my son hasn't stopped talking about since seeing at the store. (You can bet this mama is stocking up on some for herself, too.)

At the same time, Easter as a parent has opened my eyes to how much effort can be required...

There is the selection of the right Easter outfits for picture-perfect moments.

There is the styling of custom Easter baskets.

There is the filling of plastic eggs and strategic placement of them throughout the yard.

But when the cameras are put away and we all join together around the table for the family dinner at the end of the day, I can finally take a deep breath and really enjoy—especially with the knowledge that doing the dishes is my husband's job.

This article was sponsored by Kinder. Thank you for supporting the brands that support Motherly and mamas.


Our Partners

Right now, we're all facing financial uncertainty that we've likely never navigated before. If your family is rethinking your strategy for spending and saving money, or if you're suddenly facing debt or financial hardship you didn't anticipate, you're not alone.

We do know people are looking for a plan forward for their finances. And as bills begin to pile up and as people begin to dip into their savings, families are looking for ways to avoid financial distress.

Here are some steps you can take to get yourself back on track if you find yourself unable to pay your bills.

1. Audit yourself to see where you stand

As a first step, and in order to get the full picture of your finances, take an inventory of all your expenses, like groceries or utilities, and any money you currently owe, like credit card bills.

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Identify any unnecessary expenses that you can cut back on for the time being, such as any subscriptions being paid automatically.

Knowing everything you owe, plus your projected expenses for the coming months will help you see where you stand, and will allow you to make a realistic plan for yourself.

2. Make a budget and prioritize only what is necessary

Now more than ever, Americans need to be extremely diligent with their money, prioritizing what matters most, like rent and other necessities. Every family's financial situation is different so it's important to make a realistic plan for your money.

To help you get back on track, create a budget for your family that you're willing to stick to. This should only include necessary expenses at this point, like rent and groceries. In order to help stabilize your finances over the long term, map out your projected expenses over the next three, six and nine months, since there's uncertainty around how long the effects of the global pandemic will be felt.

Planning for the worst is the way to stay ahead of financial problems.

3. Know every relief option available to you

Be proactive about understanding your options and take action when possible. Depending on your family's situation and expenses, there may be forms of relief available to you, so it's worth doing a bit of research to understand how you can get your debts under control. Here are some debt and financial hardship relief options to know about:

  • Your bank or credit union may be offering consumer protections and relief, including fee waivers, deferred payments for credit cards, auto loans and mortgages, loan modifications, low-rate and zero-rate loans and other accommodations. See what your bank is offering by checking this list or your bank's website, or consult this list of credit unions offering consumer financial support.
  • Call your credit card issuer. Numerous credit card companies are offering some kind of debt relief, such as waived fees or deferred payments.
  • If you're a homeowner and you're worried about making a payment, reach out to your mortgage lender. Many offer programs like mortgage forbearances that allow you to either temporarily stop making payments or temporarily lower your payments. (Again, always be sure to read the fine print so you know what you're getting yourself into, as there may be penalties to some options down the line.) Under the CARES Act, your family may be eligible for mortgage forbearance options for coronavirus related financial hardship. And because mortgage rates are low right now, refinancing might free up some financial flexibility, although the process takes time.
  • If you're a renter, speak to your landlord about your options. If your landlord's mortgage is from a federal lender, you cannot be evicted for nonpayment due to coronavirus-related hardship. This eviction forbearance, part of the CARES Act, is currently in effect through July.
  • Under the CARES Act, all federal student loans are in a state of administrative forbearance, which means you can temporarily stop making payments through the end of September, with no accrued interest. Sallie Mae, Navient and Wells Fargo are also offering temporary loan forbearance for student loans—contact your lender.
  • A number of internet companies have "pledged" not to terminate service for customers due to nonpayment caused by coronavirus-related financial hardship. Check to see if your utility companies are on this list, which includes AT&T, Comcast, Sprint, T-Mobile, US Cellular and Verizon.
  • Utility companies in some areas have also announced that they will temporarily suspend service terminations for nonpayment—check your utility providers' websites or call them.
  • Unemployment insurance is available at higher rates for a longer period, and more people qualify under the CARES act, including part-time workers, freelancers, people on furlough and people who were recently laid off. If you are unable to work because your child's daycare or school was closed, for example, you are eligible for unemployment under the new provisions. And if you have been forced to accept reduced hours, you're eligible, too.

4. Keep your credit accounts current, if possible

On-time payments are one of the key pieces factored into a credit score so I'd encourage you to avoid letting bills go unpaid entirely, if you can. Instead, do some research and find out what the minimum payment is for each of your bills, and pay that, if possible. If you're unable to pay at all, call to see if there's a way to defer payments temporarily.Paying the minimum payments on your monthly bills will help you keep your credit accounts current.

5. Avoid payday loans or maxing out credit cards

Payday lenders tend to prey on those in desperate circumstances, and these loans can be the beginning of a long cycle of debt with high fees and interest rates.

Likewise, you can quickly rack up interest and fees with credit cards if you're putting more money on them that you can pay back.

Instead, if necessary, look into other options available to you such as an emergency or personal loan, which often have lower interest rates. Always read the fine print before signing anything so you understand the terms and implications.

Overall, navigating your finances during this time of uncertainty can seem daunting and overwhelming. But it isn't impossible. The key is to take the first step. Now is the time to advocate for yourself and finances.

Work + Money

Parenthood is a crash course in expecting the unexpected. But—come on. Who else has lost count of how many times the word "unprecedented" has been thrown around to describe this coronavirus pandemic?

In the span of just a few weeks, our lives have been completely shaken up and our sense of what is normal has been turned upside down...

It's unprecedented to distance ourselves from extended family members.

It's unprecedented to save grocery shopping trips for once every week or two and hope there is toilet paper still on the shelves.

It's unprecedented to have schools, workplaces, restaurants and more shuttered indefinitely.

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Yet here we are—even as mamas who are naturally experienced with rising to the challenge, this is a hard one. As we stand here today facing the enormity of the challenge ahead, it's okay if you can't help but feel overwhelmed. That's normal.

Right now, you may not be able to imagine how you will balance "non-essential" work with the very pressing responsibilities of parenting.

Right now, you may not be able to imagine how you will cope with long afternoons without your go-to outings.

Right now, you may not be able to imagine how you will answer your children's questions about why they can't see friends or family when that's all you really want, too.

Right now, you may not be able to imagine how your marriage will stay "light and exciting" as the world feels so heavy and sad.

Right now, you may not be able to imagine how you will create meaningful space for your own self-care with your physical space so confined.

Right now, you may not be able to imagine how you will fill your children's time in ways that are at once educational, creativity-boosting, stimulating and fun.

Right now, you may not be able to imagine how you will overcome the sense of isolation with interactions limited to FaceTime calls or Zoom hangouts.

But we soon will know.

Whether the shelter in place mandate is lifted by the currently scheduled date in your area or if it stretches on to a later point in time, I believe our strength will be revealed to us day by day, low point by low point and high point by high point—and there will come a day when this trial ends.

Just like past generations were called to face their own great and "unprecedented" challenges, this is ours. And although we didn't ask for it and may not have any other option but to deal with it, we still stand to learn and grow from this experience. For the rest of our lives, this is a defining moment we will look back on when we need evidence of our strength.

Because, remember this, mama: Today, we may be looking ahead and bracing ourselves. But there will just as surely come a day when we stand on the other side of this—and on that day, our anxiety will surely be replaced with accomplishment. There is light on the other side.

Life

Across the nation families are wondering how to connect with others and move with purpose during these isolated days. The urge to make a difference is powerful. Especially as we watch the impacts of this global crisis fall heavier on some than others.

Now more than ever we know that action feels better than anxiety.

Scroll down for a list of ways your family can share kindness, volunteer, donate and learn together, even as you stay home together to slow the spread of the pandemic.

Share kindness

Lift spirits, warm hearts, and teach compassion.

  1. Check on neighbors with apps like Next Door. We're hearing wonderful stories of neighbors offering to share their abundance with others who are struggling in their own community.
  2. Start a neighborhood scavenger hunt by putting hearts on your front door, teddy bears in your windows, or decorative Easter egg pictures in public spaces. When other families are out for a (socially distanced) walk, they can watch for these surprises.
  3. Chalk your walk, leaving uplifting sidewalk chalk messages like "We're All In This Together."
  4. Thank delivery providers with a gift of hand sanitizer, an encouraging note like this one or just an extra tip.
  5. Mail friendship bracelets to cheer up friends and family members.
  6. Create awards to celebrate the everyday heroes in your community, from grocery store clerks to medical staff to your mail carrier.
  7. Share your art through the mail or take pictures and share digitally. Write pandemic-themed haiku or other poetry, draw, paint, color, fold origami or explore other creative passions. Then share your creations, along with an uplifting note, with folks in need of support.
  8. Send art to Color-a-Smile and they'll send it on to seniors, soldiers overseas and anyone in need of a smile.
  9. Set up a Magic Mail Station, inviting kids to create cards for those who need it most. Share your creations with seniors in isolated nursing homes, essential employees on the front lines of fighting this virus or anyone you know in need of extra support.
  10. Reach out to the elderly with Letters of Love. The mission of Letters of Love is to bring the joy of thoughtful letters and cards into the lives of the elderly in nursing homes, assisted living facilities, hospices and senior centers around the world.
  11. Start a Grandparent Journal, mailing a notebook back and forth to grandparents, exploring questions and sharing encouragement.
  12. Decorate lunchbags to brighten up Meals on Wheels deliveries.
  13. Fill "Buckets" at home with these free resources (coloring pages, puzzles, book videos, lessons) from our good friend Carol McCloud, author of Have you Filled a Bucket Today? and many other awesome kindness books for kids.

Volunteer

Meet tangible community needs.

  1. Set up a Little Free Pantry, sharing extra groceries with neighbors and workers in your area. One big-hearted family we work with has been sharing staples in their driveway. Some neighbors are pitching in too! And at the end of every day, the table is nearly empty, as folks took what they needed.
  2. Support citizen science with three timely crowd-sourced science projects brought to you by Science Friday and SciStarter. Your family can help scientists track the spread of COVID, monitor changes in weather and identify drinking water quality all from your home. The following projects are particularly interesting right now:
  3. Covid Near You: Take 5 minutes each week to check in with researchers at Harvard and Boston Children's Hospital monitoring the spread of the virus.
  4. Participate in Citizen Science Month in April: SciStarter.com is celebrating all things citizen science with daily challenges. Pick your families favorite and get started today!
  5. Become an iNaturalist: Download the iNaturalist app from National Geographic and California Academy of Sciences. Join a project—which they define as a collection of observations with a common purpose. And begin your citizen science observations about the natural world!
  6. Sign Up for Nature's Notebook: This National Phenology Network project invites you to help scientists take the pulse of our planet by observing and then sharing seasonal changes in plants and animals. You may also want to explore their nature lessons to become a family of certified Nature's Notebook Observers.
  7. Spring clean yards for homebound neighbors. Some spring chores still beg to be completed. Offer help for older folks in your neighborhood.
  8. Clean up your neighborhood on your next walk outside. Grab plastic bags and garden gloves and clear up the winter refuse that may have accumulated.
  9. Go on a nature scavenger hunt with our free printable. We've gathered our favorite clues for a scavenger hunt to liven up your next walk in the woods. When children learn to appreciate and enjoy nature, they are more likely to grow into adults who value and protect our environment.
  10. Foster pets! It's puppy and kitten season, and though many shelters are closed to the public, many are still looking for foster families.

Donate

Share your abundance and teach the importance of charitable giving.

  1. Spring clean in anticipation of being able to donate gently used clothes, toys, and books to a shelter at some future date.
  2. Create a giving jar to help your child participate in your family's charitable giving. Organizations you may want to support include Family-to-Family, No Kid Hungry, UNICEF, or your local food bank.
  3. Start a garden in anticipation of donating some of the produce to your local food pantry.
  4. Host a food drive social-distance-style. Set up a drop off station in your driveway or other public space. Inform friends and neighbors of your event. Be sure to remind folks to keep their distance as they bring over their donations. Then drop off your collection at the food shelf and thank everyone for participating!
  5. Create activity kits to donate to food pantries and shelters engaging kids with extra time off.
  6. Make room for the hungry with a calendar-based fundraiser. Each day (for 30 days) count something different in your home with this simple printable. Place that many coins in a bowl or jar. At the end of the month, donate this money to a hunger relief organization.

Advocate

Raise your voice for peace, justice, and social action.

  1. Speak up for the vulnerable. Reach out to your elected official and let them know you expect them to support people who are experiencing homelessness or food insecurity at this time. These printable advocacy templates help you express support for environmental justice, helping the hungry, and more.
  2. Sign petitions to correct injustices and support people struggling through the crisis.

Learn + discuss

Start big-hearted conversations and explore big ideas.

  1. Keep a journal by recording your experience during this historic moment. You may also want to write a reflection question in your journal each day and invite each family member to record a response.
  2. Play Free Rice, an online quiz game from the World Food Program. Players match words with their meanings to earn donations of rice for those in need, now featuring a cornoavirus category.

A version of this post was originally published on Doing Good Together; it has been reposted with permission.

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Learn + Play

When I think about my son's birth, I mostly remember drifting between this world and the next. For huge chunks of the 32 hours I was in labor I felt like I was literally out of my mind, completely focused on my body as I experienced wave after wave of pressure. My husband and birth team massaged my back, encouraged me to drink water and cared for me while my body was at work.

Looking back now, I can't imagine being asked to make decisions about my safety or that of my baby while I was in that state. I certainly couldn't imagine doing it all alone, without my partner or someone to support me.

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In an effort to slow the spread of the coronavirus, this is what several hospitals are asking of their patients. On March 20th, a doula named Jessica Pournaras in New York City started a petition asking several New York hospitals to stop banning partners from accompanying people in labor. One week later, the petition had over 600,000 signers, countless media hits and progress—New York Governor Andrew Cuomo had issued a directive requiring hospitals to allow one support person per pregnant patient.

Birth is an incredibly vulnerable state, and many of us are forced to give up a lot of power and dignity when we go through it—particularly women of color. But parents across the country know in their hearts that no one should be forced through such an intense and emotional experience without support, not even in because of the coronavirus.

Support during labor isn't just about some romanticized image of birth. Partners or support people can be present throughout labor and birth in a way that hospital staff couldn't on a normal day, much less in the middle of a pandemic. Partners can provide help with pain relief for the pregnant person, advocate for them and catch red flags to call for help sooner than nurses might.

Without this continuous support, patients are more likely to have longer labors and to require pain medications, forceps or vacuum-assisted births— possibly even increased chances of cesarean sections. A 2017 Cochrane review found that a support person can decrease the chances of a C-section by 25% relative to people without support; having a doula present decreased it by as much as 39%.

For black mothers, the need for support during birth is even greater. Black women are 2.5 times more likely to die in childbirth than white women—at least in part because of institutional racism. Take Kira Johnson, who died after what appeared to be a routine C-section. Her husband spent hours trying to get the attention of medical staff only to be told "Sir, your wife just isn't a priority right now." Kira was left to bleed internally for 10 hours.

Kira had her partner with her, and she was still ignored and mistreated. Now imagine the black, low-income or non-English speaking women who could be forced to give birth completely alone, left in the hands of overworked hospital staff. We should expect many more traumatic births, more C-sections and more deaths.

Most hospitals are now restricting pregnant patients to one support person, a compromise which seems fair given the virus we are fighting. But even after New York's statewide order, a steady trickle of hospitals across the country are beginning to ban all support persons for pregnant people. Others are allowing people to enter the hospital only when their partner is pushing or are forcing them to leave immediately after, leaving birth parents alone to heal and care for their newborn.

This asks pregnant people to sacrifice their safety and the well-being of their babies instead of implementing the myriad other solutions that have been offered. For example, partners could be screened for COVID-19 symptoms, restricted to only one room and asked to wear a mask at all times. Hospitals could support and expand birth services outside of hospital grounds, such as at birthing centers and home births.

Since Jessica won her campaign in New York, dozens more petitions have sprung up asking other state governors to require hospitals to allow birth support partners. A petition to Pennsylvania's Governor Wolf has 18,000 signatures, 13,000 people are demanding the same for Ohioans and five petitions have been started in California alone. These parents understand that abandoning people in labor is not how we keep families safe, and they are passionately fighting for safe births across the country.

For too long, people in labor—particularly black and marginalized women—have been denied agency and dignity in how they give birth. We are all scared, but as one petition commenter wrote, "Human rights and dignity cannot end in an epidemic." We must come together to protect new lives, and demand dignity for the people who bring them forward.

After my son was born, we practiced nursing, I finally managed to keep some food down (chocolate was my best medicine) and my midwife monitored me for signs of abnormal bleeding. But mostly, my partner and I gazed at the little human who had finally joined us. And within a few hours, our doula and midwives faded away, leaving us alone with our baby. Alone, but together.

Everyone had a role to play that day, and everyone had worked hard to keep me and my son safe. I'm so grateful to each and every person who was in the room with us that monumental day—and I simply want the same protection for all mothers.

(*Please note: It is important to check in with your medical provider on the latest rules and regulations surrounding hospital births during the COVID-19 outbreak.)

Life
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