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To my daughter—I wish you confidence, courage + kindness

I was 20 weeks pregnant when I found out I was having a girl. It came as a shock; I was sure the baby was a boy.


It wasn’t until later, after my daughter Sawyer was born, that I started to think about what it really meant to raise a girl. What did I wish for her? What was I afraid of? What were the challenges she would face simply because she was a girl?

And the biggest question of all: What was my part in it?

A lot of my thoughts went to my own upbringing. I was lucky, I think. I was surrounded by love and support in a way that, looking back, enabled me to flourish into the person I am today. My parents divorced when I was four, but their love, given apart, taught me about kindness, humility, strength, and confidence. I was secure in the knowledge that I had a foundation, people I could count on, and a home within their hearts.

Last week I was up at an ungodly hour, tossing and turning in bed. You know that feeling? When you are subconsciously working something out, just at the edges of your mind, and you can’t quite get a hold of it? It was like that, all nervous energy and thumping heart. Eventually it solidified.

Sawyer, my little baby, was a girl. And that she was going to grow into a woman.

The ramifications momentarily blindsided me. What does it mean to be a girl in today’s world?

Growing up girl means insane pressure to be beautiful, thin, and endlessly “cool” on social media. It means that she will be met with inequality in the workplace, face the risk of sexual and physical assault, and have to work harder than men for recognition in academia.

It’s not all bad. She may also be a mother herself one day, if she chooses. She may be an engineer or a poet or a doctor or a dancer. So much opportunity if only she can gain the confidence to reach out and grab it. If only I, as a mother, ensure she’s given the opportunities she deserves. That all girls deserve.

What a gift. What a beautiful responsibility I, along with my husband, had been given.

Since then, I’ve made a conscious effort to meditate on how I want to raise this girl, this reflection of her father and myself.

In that time I’ve realized three things that I want for her—

1. I want her to have the spirit of an explorer

Confidence is built one day, one moment at a time.

I want my girl to have the self-assurance to explore if she wants to, to have adventures if the mood takes her, but also to relax. To me, having a spirit of exploration is about listening to your inner voice. It’s about honoring your curiosity, and seeing things through to the end. But it’s also about kicking back after hard work, and letting yourself unwind, guilt-free.

What does this mean day-to-day? It means taking risks. As a parent, this is hard. It’s an instinct to cover our babies in bubble wrap next to a warm heater so they never get hurt or feel the slightest touch of cold. It’s hard to let our kids feel uncomfortable. But it’s essential.

Teaching our kids to feel comfortable with being uncomfortable will help them tap into their own sense of adventure. It won’t limit them experiences they might have had if only they’d had the pluck to say, “Yes!”. It’ll mold them into people who try new things, talk to new people, and persist when the going gets tough.

Having the spirit of an explorer will serve her when being a girl means getting creative and making the life you dream of, no matter what obstacles this world may place in her way.

Adventure has been at the core of who I am, and who I’ve tried to continue to be as a mother. So, for me, passing this sense of adventure on is akin to passing happiness on.

2. Have courage, and be kind

This one I stole from the live-action Cinderella movie.

Being courageous doesn’t mean that you’re not afraid. Quite the opposite. Having courage means being afraid, but facing your fears anyways. It takes thought and effort, and will challenge you.

I wish for my daughter to face her fears head on, and conquer them.

In practice, this is comforting her after she takes a fall, then encouraging her to try again. This practice will build self-assurance, and a willingness to take risks, even in a world where everyone is watching on social media.

Note to self, start doing things that scare me more often. Isn’t that the greatest thing about having kids? As we ponder how to be the best parents we can be, and how to foster the attributes we deem positive in our children’s lives, it reminds us to work on those same attributes in our own lives. Who knew little humans could teach us so much?

Of equal, or perhaps even greater value, is kindness. This world teaches us a “me-first” attitude. It rewards those who take for themselves, those who lie and those who draw outside the lines of ethics. Not always, but a LOT.

I wish for my daughter to make the kind decision. The decision that spares hearts, or encourages the downtrodden. I want her to think of others before herself. I still want her to think of herself - there’s no doormat training happening here - but I want it to be in the context of the people and the world around her.

Have courage, and be kind.

3. Above all, LOVE.

Through it all, I want my daughter to remember LOVE. I want her to feel surrounded by it, embraced by it, buoyed up by it. I want to make her feel like she can take on the world. This scary world with its bullies and bashers and beasts: I want it to fade into the background. I want her to see the beauty in it, in the small things, in the big things, and in the quiet things no one else notices.

I want the love she feels to move her to love also. Not just those immediate to her, not just us, her family and friends. I want her overflowing cup of love to give her the energy to love others, to love the planet, to love art and literature and science.

I want her to remember feeling loved. I want it to be familiar, like the beating of her own heart. That want is so strong in me as a mother; it drives every decision I make.

Many of these things would be equally important had I had a boy, instead of the sweet girl that sits in front of me.

But somehow these three, these small pieces of how I want her to see the world, loom big and important in my heart these days for this baby who is growing up girl.

Haley Campbell is the founder of Beluga Baby and creator of the ultimate bamboo baby carrier. She is a regular contributor to Motherly and is an avid advocate for entrepreneurs, and for the new generation of mothers making the world their own.

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Unstructured play is play without predetermined rules of the game. There are no organized teams, uniforms, coaches or trainers. It is spontaneous, often made-up on the spot, and changeable as the day goes on. It is the kind of play you see when puppies chase each other around a yard in endless circles or a group of kids play for hours in a fort they created out of old packing boxes.

Unstructured play is fun—no question about it—but research also tells us that it is critically important for the development of children's bodies and brains.

One of the best ways to encourage unstructured play in young children is by providing open-ended toys, or toys that can be used multiple ways. People Toy Company knows all about that. Since 1977, they've created toys and products designed to naturally encourage developmental milestones—but to kids, it all just feels like play.

Here are five reasons why unstructured play is crucial for your children—

1. It changes brain structure in important ways

In a recent interview on NPR's Morning Edition, Sergio Pellis, Ph.D., an expert on the neuroscience of play noted that play actually changes the structure of the developing brain in important ways, strengthening the connections of the neurons (nerve cells) in the prefrontal cortex, the area of the brain considered to be the executive control center responsible for solving problems, making plans and regulating emotions.

Because unstructured play involves trying out different strategies without particular goals or serious consequences, children and other animals get to practice different activities during play and see what happens. When Dr. Pellis compared rats who played as pups with rats that did not, he found that although the play-deprived rats could perform the same actions, the play-experienced rats were able to react to their circumstances in a more flexible, fluid and swift fashion.

Their brains seemed more "plastic" and better able to rewire as they encountered new experiences.

Hod Lipson, a computer scientist at Cornell sums it up by saying the gift of play is that it teaches us how to deal with the unexpected—a critically important skill in today's uncertain world.

2. Play activates the entire neocortex

We now know that gene expression (whether a gene is active or not) is affected by many different things in our lives, including our environment and the activities we participate in. Jaak Panksepp, Ph.D., a Professor at the University of Washington studied play in rats earning him the nickname of the "rat tickler."

He found that even a half hour of play affected the activity of many different genes and activated the outer part of the rats' brains known as the neocortex, the area of the brain used in higher functions such as thinking, language and spatial reasoning. We don't know for sure that this happens in humans, but some researchers believe that it probably does.

3. It teaches children to have positive interaction with others

It used to be thought that animal play was simply practice so that they could become more effective hunters. However, Dr. Panksepp's study of play in rats led him to the conclusion that play served an entirely different function: teaching young animals how to interact with others in positive ways. He believed that play helps build pro-social brains.

4. Children who play are often better students

The social skills acquired through play may help children become better students. Research has found that the best predictor of academic performance in the eighth grade was a child's social skills in the third grade. Dr. Pellis notes that "countries where they actually have more recess tend to have higher academic performance than countries where recess is less."

5. Unstructured play gets kids moving

We all worry that our kids are getting too little physical activity as they spend large chunks of their time glued to their electronic devices with only their thumbs getting any exercise. Unstructured play, whether running around in the yard, climbing trees or playing on commercial play structures in schools or public parks, means moving the whole body around.

Physical activity helps children maintain a healthy weight and combats the development of Type 2 diabetes—a condition all too common in American children—by increasing the body's sensitivity to the hormone insulin.

It is tempting in today's busy world for parents and kids to fill every minute of their day with structured activities—ranging from Spanish classes before school to soccer and basketball practice after and a full range of special classes and camps on the weekends and summer vacation. We don't remember to carve out time for unstructured play, time for kids to get together with absolutely nothing planned and no particular goals in mind except having fun.

The growing body of research on the benefits of unstructured play suggests that perhaps we should rethink our priorities.

Not sure where to get started? Here are four People Toy Company products that encourage hours of unstructured play.

1. People Blocks Zoo Animals

These colorful, magnetic building blocks are perfect for encouraging unstructured play in children one year and beyond. The small pieces fit easily in the hands of smaller children, and older children will love creating their own shapes and designs with the magnetic pieces.

People Blocks Zoo Animals 17 Piece Set, People Toy Company, $34.99

BUY


This article was sponsored by People Toy Company. Thank you for supporting the brands that support Motherly and mamas.

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As any parent knows, newborns need to eat a lot to keep fuel in those tiny tummies. For breastfeeding mamas, that can translate to nursing sessions anywhere, any time of day—which can make it feel like a full-time job. So, what's a mama to do when she has other things on her to-do list?

Let's take a look at some celebrity mothers who are showing the world that mamas have legendary multitasking skills. 👊

Jessie James Decker is a backseat breastfeeder

By the time her third child was born, Jessie James Decker had a few tricks up her sleeve when it came to breastfeeding on the go—including how to get situated in the backseat of the car to nurse her son while he was strapped into the car seat.

Decker doesn't recommend mamas go without a seatbelt like she did, but sometimes, a bad day out with the baby calls for extreme measures. When little Forrest couldn't stop crying on the way home from his mama's photo shoot, his mama did what she had to do.

"I hopped in the back seat with Forrest and fed him with boob out leaned awkwardly over the car seat to calm him down," Decker says. "On the way home I cried, I got stressed and anxiety, and I was just a mom trying to do my best just like we all are no matter the situation."

Pink takes a hike

When son Jameson was a baby, Pink proved that breastfeeding didn't have to mean sitting at home in a glider. With some assistance from a baby carrier and a perfect position for Jameson, the multitasking mama was able to go about her hike like it was no big deal.

Gisele Bündchen 'grammed her breastfeeding glam session

In 2013, the super model proved she's also a super mama by multitasking a full-on beauty session while breastfeeding. Recognizing what a team effort it was, Bündchen captioned the post, "What would I do without this beauty squad after the 15 hours of flying and only three hours of sleep."

Tess Holliday was inspired by her fellow supermodel mama 

Tess Holliday followed in Gisele's footsteps after her youngest was born, posting this photo to Instagram. It that proves that breastfeeding mamas can not only multitask, but also don't have to conform to certain body ideals to look amazing postpartum. Any size, any shape, any time, anywhere—breastfeeding mothers like Holliday are normalizing breastfeeding and our bodies.

Padma Lakshmi proves you don't need a team

Without a beauty squad on call, Lakshmi took her multitasking to "level 💯" by using a nursing pillow to free up her two hands. It takes a brave woman to attempt mascara while breastfeeding, but the Top Chef host clearly pulls it off.

Whether a mama is trying to feed her baby on the go or while she's getting glam, it isn't always easy. Motherhood is about trying to do your best even when it feels like 100 things are going on at the same time—and yet we manage, like the super mamas we are.

[Update, September 23: This post was originally published June 12, 2018. It has been updated to include Tess Holliday's Instagram post]

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In the moments after we give birth, we desperately want to hear our baby cry. In the middle of the night a few months later it's no longer exactly music to our ears, but those cries aren't just telling us that baby needs a night feeding: They're also giving us a hint at what our children may sound like as kindergarteners, and adults.

New research published in the journal Biology Letters suggests the pitch of a 4-month-old's cry predicts the pitch they'll use to ask for more cookies at age five and maybe even later on as adults.

The study saw 2 to 5-month olds recorded while crying. Five years later, the researchers hit record again and chatted with the now speaking children. Their findings, combined with previous work on the subject, suggest it's possible to figure out what a baby's voice will sound like later in life, and that the pitch of our adult voices may be traceable back to the time we spend in utero. Further studies are needed, but scientists are very interested in how factors before birth can impact decades later.

"In utero, you have a lot of different things that can alter and impact your life — not only as a baby, but also at an adult stage," one of the authors of the study, Nicolas Mathevon, told the New York Times.

The New York Times also spoke with Carolyn Hodges, an assistant professor of anthropology at Boston University who was not involved in the study. According to Hodges, while voice pitch may not seem like a big deal, it impacts how we perceive people in very real ways.

Voice pitch is a factor in how attractive we think people are, how trustworthy. But why we find certain pitches more or less appealing isn't known. "There aren't many studies that address these questions, so that makes this research especially intriguing," Hodges said, adding that it "suggests that individual differences in voice pitch may have their origins very, very early in development."

So the pitch of that midnight cry may have been determined months ago, and it may determine part of your child's future, too. There are still so many things we don't know, but as parents we do know one thing: Our babies cries (as much as we don't want to hear them all the time) really are something special.

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So many parents wish there was a way we could add more hours to the day. Unfortunately, we're stuck with just 24 of them, but we can try to make the most of the time we've got. One way more and more working mamas are maximizing the time we do have is by cutting out the commute and working from home.

It can add an hour or two back to your day, and (depending on your hours and circumstances) it can even make childcare arrangements easier. And with more big companies offering legit remote opportunities, it's easier than ever for parents to find these opportunities. As Motherly recently reported, Amazon is on a bit of a remote hiring spree ahead of the holiday season, and it's not the only one.

Williams-Sonoma is currently seeking Seasonal Customer Service Associates to work from home. It is looking for remote workers in Cincinnati, Cleveland, Phoenix, Reno, Tulsa, and near Raleigh, Columbus, Braselton, and Oklahoma City.

These work-from-home positions are part of Williams-Sonoma's plan to hire about 3,500 associates for its Customer Care Centers. The company says a "significant portion of positions" for the Customer Care Centers will be work-from-home. They're looking for remote workers who live no more than an hour and a half away from one of the Customer Care Centers as "on occasion our Work From Home associates must come to the Care Center for meetings and training with advanced notice," the company notes in the job postings.


The positions are very similar to what Amazon is looking for: Basically customer service reps who can take inbound calls to help shoppers with orders, returns and issues with finding products or deliveries of products. Williams-Sonoma is looking for people who can work 30 - 50 hours per week, and the pay is listed at $12 per hour.

Another perk is a 40% discount on most merchandise, which great because the Williams-Sonoma umbrella includes brands like Pottery Barn and West Elm as well.

Sounds like this could be a great gig for a mama with customer service skills and a high-speed internet connection.

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Plenty of modern motherhood paraphernalia was made to be seen—think breastfeeding pillows that seamlessly blend into living room decor or diaper bags that look like stylish purses. The breast pump though, usually isn't on that list.

It's traditionally been used in the privacy of our homes and hotel rooms in the best case scenarios, and in storage closets and restrooms in the worst circumstances. For a product that is very often used by mothers because they need to be in public spaces (like work and school), the breast pump lives a very private life.

Thankfully, some high profile moms are changing that by posting their pump pics on Instagram. These influential mamas aren't gonna hide while they pump, and may change the way the world (and product designers) see this necessary accessory.

1. Gail Simmons 

Top Chef's Gail Simmons looked amazing on the red carpet at the 2018 Emmys, but a few days after the award show the cookbook author, television host and new mama gave the world a sneak peek into her backstage experience. It wasn't all glam for Gail, who brought her pump and hands-free bra along on the big night.

We're thankful to these women for showing that breast pumps belong in public and in our Instagram feeds.

[Update, September 21, 2018: This post was originally published on May 31, 2018, but has been updated to include a recent Instagram post by Gail Simmons.]

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  2. Behati Prinsloo shamed for 'pumping and dumping' during date with hubby Adam Levine
  3. Nicole Phelps pumping in an evening gown is the ultimate definition of a multi-tasking mama 👏
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