Karina, a mental health professional, on not recognizing her own prenatal anxiety

Coming in to my second and last pregnancy, I had hopes and plans to enjoy and embrace this pregnancy much more than my first. My first felt rushed, hidden and I accepted that by my family.

I had plans for a huge gender reveal party, sharing all the milestones of my pregnancy, engaging my husband and daughter along this journey, and of course the baby shower! Then the global pandemic hit and suddenly there was fear and anxiety all over the world.

Related: This viral post explains how pregnant women everywhere feel right now

Waking up and watching the news to see if pregnant women were among those who were high risk, wondering if it was still safe to go to work and take my daughter to school—next thing you know, everything is closed and we are mandated to quarantine at home. I had daily fears of being exposed at work and bringing it home to my family or ending up in the hospital myself being pregnant.

My doctor finally gave me a note recommending me to work from home as I was among those at high risk. That note meant nothing to my employers and they shamed me for wanting to work from home just because I was pregnant. To them, I was being “selfish” as there were others who still went to work exposing themselves.

Working from home, homeschooling a five-year old who didn’t understand the idea of not leaving the house or seeing other siblings, and coping with the daily changes of pregnancy was beginning to make me feel anxious.

Related: How to work from home with kids around—from babies to teenagers

Anxious? Could I possibly have anxiety? No, how could I? I feel healthy. Yet, I’m constantly worrying. I can’t sleep at night. Some days I just burst in tears. I have high expectations of myself but then feel like a failure at work for not being present and working long hours from home where I feel like I’m absent from my family.

No, that’s not possible. I work in mental health. I know what anxiety looks and feels like, right? I guess not! It took a panic attack at work, high blood pressure, and an appointment with my doctor along with the intervention of a social worker and a therapist to determine that I was indeed experiencing prenatal anxiety and had been for months.

I was immediately placed on disability at 35 weeks. I was so afraid to let my employer know, but why? I went back and forth from thinking about if I was going to disappoint them, if I had to put my career on hold.

Related: Prenatal depression is a thing—a very real, important thing

I was then assessed by a therapist who suggested seeing a psychiatrist. A psychiatrist? What was going on with me and how did I get here? You see, in my field, we advocate to reduce the mental health stigma and for self-care. Yet, who advocates for us?

Sometimes it takes a spouse or family member or even another co-worker to recognize your behaviors and suggest seeking help. Other times it’s yourself.

Add pregnancy on to that—seeing your body grow and change daily, being hungry but not able to eat because of morning sickness, wanting to be happy for being able to carry a baby but feeling your worst, not feeling comfortable around your husband because of body changes.

Related: The new mama’s guide to pregnancy symptoms

Fearing becoming sick with COVID-19 and ending up in the hospital, delivering without your husband or being away from your newborn because of all this. Falling in to postpartum depression and not enjoying your newborn as you planned. All of these feelings kept on coming every night, making it impossible to sleep or rest.

Finally, I realized feeling this way was more normal than I thought. Deep down inside, I was upset for not recognizing this sooner and not seeking help. Pregnancy is both beautiful and hard. Now throw in a deadly pandemic that shook up the entire world.

As I approach my last weeks of pregnancy, I have focused on resting, being OK with not being OK, learning to say no, and putting my health first. A mother will always be a caregiver, but before she takes care of others, she must first learn to love and care for herself.