The united state of motherhood
It's time to take motherhood seriously.
This speech was delivered by Jill Koziol on Friday, October 11th at Mother: The Summit in Detroit, Michigan. It has been edited for clarity and length.
Thank you, Blessing and Mother Honestly for this great honor to be among so many inspiring women today. The feeling is electric—do you feel it? What's happening here today is an example of women lifting women and is exactly how we change the world.
I'm excited for all we are going to experience together today—whether you are an entrepreneur, a SAHM, or a working mom, there is something here for you, from inspiring fireside chats to headshots and a great marketplace, and many other resources to inspire and support you.
To kick off this Summit, I want to start by saying:
THIS is our time. Motherhood matters.
We are living in an important (and exciting!) moment in history as society comes to terms with the importance and value of caregiving. It's time we take motherhood seriously—it's time we take ourselves as mothers seriously and demand change, moving what has been treated as niche issues into the mainstream.
Because the reality is, motherhood is one of the most universal experiences that we as human beings share.
At Motherly, we believe that mothers deserve way more support—and way less judgment. Each month, 30 million women read or watch Motherly content—and we hear their voices loud and clear. Speaking on behalf of this generation, we are leading the conversation demanding change.
Because the truth is, American mothers are carrying heavy burdens. The burden is so heavy, and so many other women are carrying it too, that we can start to assume it's normal. That this is what it's supposed to be like. And that everyone else is carrying it well—that it's just you that is struggling.
Mama, it's not just you. Motherhood shouldn't be this hard. It is society that is failing, not you.
We live in a culture that gives lip service to the importance of family, but sees investment in women and children as an 'entitlement' too far. We operate in a business climate that prizes consumption and profitability above all, and leaves families, and especially women, behind in its wake. We're citizens in a country where 'women's issues' are seen as side-issues, rather than foundational functions of our society.
Motherhood is way harder than it should be because for too long, our stories have been pushed to the sidelines.
Despite all of this, I am incredibly optimistic. We are living in an era of major consciousness-raising, where women no longer fight one another in some kind of 'mommy war,' and instead are looking around us at the root causes of this profound unfairness.
And from where I sit, these are major signs of progress for women, mothers, and society at large.
But in order to get where we need to go, we have to first understand the problem:
To start, motherhood seems overwhelming.
It's not a secret that American motherhood is incredibly burdensome. Even before they have children, women sense a lack of support that makes motherhood overwhelming—it's this anxiety that sells books like "Lean In" and fuels a never-ending debate over whether women can ever "have it all." In fact, Motherly's 2nd Annual State of Motherhood survey, the largest, most statistically-accurate and comprehensive study of US Millennial mothers, reveals that 51% of moms feel discouraged when it comes to managing the stress of work and motherhood. About one-third of moms said that their mental and physical health is suffering. And 85% of moms said that our society does not do a good job of supporting mothers.
Eighty-five percent.
Society is asking you to nurture in an environment that does not nurture you back. So, let me pause here so you can truly hear me: You are not imagining your burnout. And your burnout is not your fault.
In addition, motherhood can be dangerous.
Discrimination against women, and women of color in particular, has led to an appalling maternal health crisis—where women's voices are not heard and women's needs are not met. American mothers die in childbirth at a higher rate than in any other country in the developed world—and the mortality rates actually getting worse, not better. According to research in the New York Times, "Black women are three to four times as likely to die from pregnancy-related causes as their white counterparts," with racism playing a direct role. In the United States, in 2019, sexism and racism interplay in a dangerous mix that puts all new mothers at risk.
And, there is no relief for working mothers.
One in four new mothers return to work out of economic necessity within two weeks of giving birth. Recent statistics from the U.S. Labor Bureau indicate that only 12% of American workers have access to paid leave—the rest are left to fend for themselves without paid compensation during one of the most vulnerable times in their lives. The United States remains the only country in the developed world that does not guarantee paid family leave upon the birth of a baby. For all our talk about being family-focused, we refuse to act on it.
Case in point, women experience tons of pressure to breastfeed, but little support.
Before and after birth, breastfeeding education and support is hit or miss—there is no routine education for new mothers to learn how to nurse. Breastfeeding might be 'natural,' but it is a learned skill. Women routinely are forced to figure it out on their own—a reality that leads to anguish for mom, and struggle for baby. Private lactation consultants often cost hundreds of dollars, an expense that is frequently out of reach during this financially stressful time in life. And if a woman formula feeds her baby, for whatever reason, she is made to feel that she has made a lesser choice for her child. Our society expects mothers to be endlessly self-sacrificing, but is unwilling to give her the support she needs along the way.
It begins postpartum where women have been left to fend for themselves.
While newborns are typically seen at least four times in their first two months of life, their mothers routinely have no postpartum care from 48 hours after birth until 6 weeks. During these critical weeks of physical recovery and a psychological transition to parenthood, women are left to figure it out alone. A lack of consistent postpartum screening and support leads to record levels of physical and mental health problems.
A major contributing factor is that childcare is as expensive as a mortgage payment/college.
The incredibly high cost of childcare puts enormous stress on families. The high cost is a leading reason that so many American women drop out of the workforce when they become moms. It's a barrier to entry for them to start a business. It's a massive strain on family finances. Families today pay a huge price to work—one that the federal government nor the majority of employers do much to support.
Sadly, we have an American work culture that penalizes women.
It's no secret that working women face the motherhood penalty at work—which amounts to a decrease in 4%of her earnings for every child that she has. But it's an extra sting to learn that men benefit from a fatherhood bonus—on average earning 6%more after their first child is both. Motherly's State of Motherhood survey revealed that the majority of women scaled down their careers after the birth of a baby, while their partners often scaled up—a split that sometimes happens by choice, but other times happens by default, thanks to a lack of paid family leave, the high cost of childcare, and inflexible work environments for parents.
And, this is the worst part: The victims blame themselves.
Research shows that American mothers largely blame themselves, experiencing waves of guilt and self-criticism for not being able to accomplish the herculean task of working, raising children and managing a household, entirely on their own.
But it is NOT our fault.
As Beth Berry wrote in a Motherly essay that has become our anthem, "it takes a village, but there are no villages. . . you and I are not the problem at all. WE ARE DOING PLENTY. We may feel inadequate, but that's because we're on the front lines of the problem, which means we're the ones being hardest hit. We absorb the impact of a broken, still-oppressive social structure so that our children won't have to. That makes us heroes, not failures."
It makes us heroes, mama.
So, the system is stacked against us. Recognizing the problem is the first step. The next is identifying the structural changes that can and must be made to make American society a family-friendly one.
At Motherly we are declaring 2020 The Year of the Mother, calling on lawmakers and employers to hear our voice, the voice of today's mother, because we deserve better. Today's mothers are better educated than any generation before, working more than ever before, and our governmental policies, corporate governance, and culture have not adjusted to provide the support needed to ensure mamas and families thrive.
So let us imagine the world as it could be. This world is in our reach. Together we can advocate for six critical changes to ensure progress for American mothers: