The gentle parenting trick one mom used to teach self love

What if building your child’s self-esteem wasn’t about praise, but presence?

That’s the quiet lesson behind a viral TikTok by creator Noor (@noor.elanss), who recently reflected on the subtle ways her parents helped her grow up with a strong sense of self love. Her story isn’t a “just tell them they’re amazing” kind of post. It’s a parenting blueprint rooted in consistency, quiet reframes, and knowing when not to jump in with compliments.

In her video, Noor recalls how her mom helped her develop a kind internal voice—not by overcorrecting or overpraising, but by gently modeling what self-respect looks like in everyday parenting moments.

@noor.elanss ♬ original sound – Noor El ✨

Say something when your child talks down to themselves

“Whenever me or my siblings would ever say anything negative about ourselves, or speak badly about ourselves, my mom would look at us and be like, ‘Don’t speak about my daughter like that,’” Noor shared.

It may seem small, but that one sentence sends a message: you deserve kindness, even from yourself. And it reminds kids that the people who love them won’t sit by when they speak cruelly to themselves.

Related: 3 essential parenting habits to build confidence + self-love in your child

Let go of pressure to feel beautiful every day

Like many girls, Noor had moments when she didn’t feel pretty or didn’t want to go out. But instead of rushing to reassure her with, “You’re so beautiful,” her mom took a different approach.

“She’d say, ‘We’re not getting married today. I’m not going to marry you off today. Get out the door: we’re going.’”

It worked. It helped Noor get out the door, but more importantly, it helped her understand she didn’t need to feel beautiful to belong in the world. She didn’t need to perform confidence to be worthy of showing up.

Brag about your kids—when they can hear you

One of the quietest but most powerful things Noor’s mom did? Speak proudly about her to other people—while Noor was in earshot.

“[My mom] would always say super nice things about me in front of our friends and our family,” she said. “She would never complain about me … in front of other people. And whenever she talks about me to other people … it feels like she’s proud of me.”

This kind of indirect praise feels more genuine to many kids. It doesn’t put them on the spot, but it still lands deeply.

Praise their character, not just their talent

Noor explains that while she was a gifted student, her mom didn’t center her identity around that success.

“I never felt like my self-worth was tied to me being smart or me excelling,” she said. “My worth is just tied to me as her daughter and as a human being.”

By not turning intelligence into a defining trait, her mom helped Noor stay connected to her value—whether she was performing or not.

Related: Child therapist shares easy way to ensure your child’s inner voice is full of confidence

Phrases to swap in: reframing everyday self-talk

Inspired by Noor’s story, here are a few parenting lines that focus on grounding, not grading:

Instead of: “You’re so smart!”
Try: “I really admire how curious you are.”

Instead of: “You’re beautiful just the way you are.”
Try: “You don’t have to feel beautiful to be important.”

Instead of: “Good job, you’re the best at this.”
Try: “You stuck with that even when it was hard. I noticed that.”

Instead of: Silence when they self-criticize
Try: “Hey. Don’t talk about my child like that.”

These quiet phrases don’t just build confidence—they model what it means to speak to yourself with care.

The bottom line

Noor’s story reminds us that self love doesn’t come from perfect words or scripted praise. It grows from feeling seen, safe, and accepted in small, consistent ways. The way we respond to our kids’ self-doubt, the moments we choose to stay quiet—or speak up—can shape the way they talk to themselves for life.And sometimes, the most powerful parenting moments aren’t loud or labeled. They’re just loving.