Get everything you love about Motherly–delivered right to your inbox.
Get the best of Motherly—delivered to your inbox.

By subscribing, you agree to our Privacy Policy
and Terms & Conditions

Thank you
for subscribing!

Welcome to
#Team Motherly.

x

This is: Birth

We started our curated This is: Birth film series to give representation to the many varied ways that women give birth. Shot by talented independent videographers, these birth films can be a resource for the expecting mama or anyone who is curious to see what birth really looks like.

This is birth: Dad helps deliver his daughter

Dad helps deliver his daughter: Watch this fierce mama give birth to her first baby, assisted by her midwife and supportive husband.

"The midwives gave Aaron (the dad) the option of delivering and he was so excited. My favorite part is when Lauren (the mom) lifts up WHILE SHE IS CROWNING to kiss Aaron on the cheek. She told me she was just so happy they were becoming a family!" -Videographer Jessica Worland Photo

This is birth: An adoption journey

An adoption journey: Watch this husband and wife finally become parents after a seven-year journey.

"We waited over 12 hours at the hospital and as soon as Ethel was born, Rob and Sarah got to hold her and do skin to skin immediately. They had been waiting SO long for this moment (not just the 12 hours), and it was the most beautiful thing to witness. When she grows up, Ethel will be able to watch this film and be reminded of how wanted and loved she is." Videographer Alyssa Kellert Photo + Film

This is birth: A surrogacy journey

Watch the amazing journey between a surrogate and the family she carried four children for.

"This is the story of their family, how they were able to bring children they so very much wanted into the world." -Videographer Jennifer Hamilton / Mamarazzi Photography

Read more about their journey here

This is birth: A C-section story

"On the day that our son was born via C-section, I witnessed a whole new level of strength and bravery come over my wife. A level that I will never be able to experience. All I could do was hold her hand while they put her under. Then it was my turn to be strong and brave—not just for her, but for our son. I held him in my arms, telling him, 'mom will be here soon.'"

C-section birth story: Watch the intimate, beautiful way that No Way Jose Photography documented him and his wife becoming parents.❤️👩👩👦

This is Birth: Bekah Martinez's serene + empowered waterbirth

Bekah Martinez's birth story: After 28 hours of laboring at home, the Bachelor star welcomed her first daughter Ruth in an unmedicated waterbirth, while surrounded by her partner, mother and care providers.💙

Bekah tells Motherly, "When the time came I was able to fully relax and surrender. People have commented on how in-control I appear, but it was quite the opposite. I surrendered all my control and it made the experience so much more peaceful."

Read more about Bekah's birth story here

Film by Lauren Guilford Photography

This is birth: A NICU birth story

A NICU birth story: After arriving 5 weeks early and spending 15 days in the NICU, we're happy to report Henry is now thriving. (Stick around until the end to see the cutest update photos 😍.)

"Our culture fantasizes the perfect birth and bonding experience. When your baby is in the NICU following birth, there are so many bittersweet emotions that accompany this experience. Many mamas (including myself) have faced this situation, and yet, we see so little representation of it through media. I believe it's important to see how that love is still shown and is still felt by your baby, even when they need extra help in the NICU."

- Stacey, SMA Photography

This is birth: A lesbian couple's birth story

Watch these two mamas calmly navigate a 70-hour labor and unplanned C-section to finally meet their baby boy, Milo. Sound on to hear the encouraging words of this mama's partner. 💙

"I am so grateful that we had a team that was so supportive of our wishes at every step of the way, even when we asked that our videographer be allowed into the surgery room. The birth of our son couldn't have been captured more beautifully."

Film by videographer Angie Klaus

This is birth: First-time parents' NICU journey

First-time parents' NICU journey: Witness the undeniable bond between this husband and wife as they document their birth story in a unique way. 💞

"Tensions were high when the mom went into labor earlier than expected. She had many questions and was nervous about having a baby in the NICU. After weeks of visiting her baby in the hospital, he was finally able to come home."

-Videographer Savvy Films

This is birth: With my sister by my side

Watch this incredibly calm mama undergo her second C-section with help from her loving and supportive sister.

"I knew that I was coming to document a birth where there would be no dad by mom's side. But when I opened the door, I found Moehau peacefully waiting in her bed with her sister Leilani by her side. The bond between the sisters is beautiful and powerful, it is all that I hope for my own children."

- Videographer Benedicte Lechrist, Maui Life Stories

This is birth: A powerful first cry

"Sweet Addison made a big entrance. The moment in between her delivery and her first cry was powerful. Mom and dad spoke to their tiny love telling her how glad they were that she was here as the midwives worked to help her take in and release her first breath. Then came the most perfect cry that held the room captive."

- Videographer Eucharisteo Films

This is birth: An adoption story

Watch the incredible moment when a family meets their newborn for the first time in the hallway of a hospital.

The videographer explains, "This experience was so different from other birth sessions. More than just the fact it was an adoption, the connection was so moving. This mother had spent months waiting for the opportunity to be Adela's mother and wondering whether it would even happen. All of the fear and excitement just melted away when she held her daughter in her arms."

—Videographer Johnny TJ Cheramie of Something Southern Photography

This is birth: A hypnobirthing story

Watch this mama give birth at home while practicing hypnobirthing, which focuses on specific relaxation and calming techniques that help manage pain during labor.

"I remember how calm and relaxed the mom was. During the labor, classical music was playing and she moved to the music. I know other women who have tried hypnobirthing, and they weren't impressed, but she mastered it. I believe it's really important to not compare birth experiences. Every woman is free to express herself during labor; there is no competition, you can scream or you can be calm."

- Videographer Chiara Doveri Photography Familien- und Kinderfotografie in Berlin

This is Birth: A C-section gender reveal

Watch the precious moment when this mama wakes up and finds out the gender of her baby.

"Due to some health complications, Joyous needed to have a C-section performed. One of the good unknowns with this labor was that the parents decided to not know the gender of the baby until after the birth. When they both find out, they are totally overwhelmed with emotion. It was amazing to witness their love for their newborn, and also the relief that everyone was healthy after so much uncertainty."
- Videographer K+A Films

This is birth: A midwife birth story

Watch these skilled midwives help baby Ezra take his first breath.

"The midwives were fantastic. They remained very calm and quickly grabbed the equipment needed to help Ezra breathe. The room was calm, and it was clear the midwives had everything under control. Megan calmly spoke to Ezra and gently rubbed his stomach until she heard his first cry, she then brought him up to her chest with a look of complete relief." Kailee Riches Photography

(Content warning: this film includes a tense moment before baby takes his first breath—but with skillful care, it quickly becomes clear he is perfectly healthy).

This is birth: An unmedicated hospital birth

"The moment of becoming a mother is a feeling that really can't be described. So many emotions rush to you and before you know it, you have this beautiful baby in your arms."

In this birth film, captured by Stephanie Shirley Photography, a first-time mama has an unmedicated hospital birth with her supportive husband and doula by her side.

This is Birth: A rainbow birth story

Watch this strong mama and her supportive husband work as a team to bring their rainbow baby into the world.

The videographer Rebecca Cantrelle Photography explains, "After battling infertility, loss, and a tough pregnancy—with hyperemesis gravidarum, gestational diabetes, and concerns of preeclampsia—this mama was induced on her due date. On the second day of induction, active laboring began. She finally welcomed her baby boy, Avery, at 4 a.m. on the third day! The experience was so serene, so powerful, and there was so much love."

This is birth: A boy mom story

Watch this family welcome their third boy—all, amazingly, delivered in the same hospital room—room 303. The proud big brothers will melt your heart.

"I think it's great for other women to see what different births look like—whether it's a home birth in water, a hospital birth with an epidural, a c-section, or somewhere in between—all births are beautiful, unique, and special!" - Videographer The Grays Photography

This is birth: A home waterbirth story

Watch as this sweet family of three becomes four.

Videographer for Birth Love Story on why capturing birth is important:
"The reason I find capturing birth is important I say as a client, as a mother: I married to create a family. I invested in lasting memories from my wedding day and I wanted no less from the day my babies joined our family. I wanted all the raw emotion, all the pain and tears, all the smiles and tears of joy. And I got it all. So I want all moms to have the same treasure I am lucky to have!"

This is birth: A NICU twins' journey

See the NICU through this mama's eyes, as she beautifully captures her twins' journey.

"I'm pretty sure everyone in the hospital thought I was crazy when I was wheeled in and started recording my labor. But when so much is out of your control, it's nice to have something to do. And hiding behind my camera was a comfort. There is nothing harder than leaving the hospital empty-handed, with your brand-new babies staying behind. I bawled every time I had to leave. Capturing my NICU babies on film allowed me to take a little piece of them home with me each day." - Videographer + mama Sarah Krieg Photography

This is birth: A family hospital birth

"I love how different and sweet every mama's emotions are after pulling their baby to their chest. Some are in shock, some weep, some laugh...nothing compares to that feeling of finally holding your baby in your arms!" - Videographer Alma Heirlooms

Watch this fierce mama work through the unmedicated birth of her second child with the support of her husband and firstborn.

This is birth: A delivery room gender reveal

Watch this mama welcome her 6th—but first "team green"— baby into the world!

These parents own a videography company —Eran and Aubs Photography and Videography— so dad captured the birth film himself:
"It was the first time out of 6 pregnancies that we didn't know the gender. We facetimed some family members (our children included) so they could watch the birth and find out the gender along with us... Its something that I still go back to watch often. Video and audio has a way of bringing back all of the memories of that day in a way that pictures can't do."

This is birth: An epidural birth story

This quietly beautiful birth film features a strong mama laboring in a birth center with epidural pain management.

Candice MacDonnell - Family Films and Photography says, "The thing that struck me the most was Ariel's persistence. Even though her little girl's birth didn't go quite as planned, she still gave it her all, and was a warrior in bringing her earthside. As soon as she held her baby and became a mom for the first time, I could sense her instant, overwhelming love for this tiny little human."

This is birth: An HBAC story

Watch this intense, inspiring video of a strong mama calmly catching her baby herself during her HBAC (home birth after cesarean).

"I remember how uniquely quiet it all was, as mom was using the Hypnobabies method. She said two things while I was there before birthing her son—'I'm ready to get in the tub' and 'his head is out.' Witnessing how she trusted her body so much showed me how peaceful and powerful birth can be." - Tampa Birth Photographer - Dear Little One, founder of Birth United

This is birth: A birth center story

"Birth is intense. It's beautiful. It's transformative. It's both an immense biological process AND an incredible emotional process. You can't find the same heights and depths of emotion in any other type of photography."

In this birth film, captured by Monet Nicole - Birthing Stories, this first-time mama arrived at the birth center already 8 cm dilated. She labored and delivered with her husband by her side the entire time.

This is Birth: A Home Birth Story

"Birth is not always the hurricane many times portrayed in the media; it is not a physical ailment, it is beautiful, to be respected, to be studied in a balanced way and the complications that can arise prepared for - but allowed safe space to happen naturally when things go normally; our bodies are designed perfectly for it."
- Videographer Impressions - Birth & Lifestyle Stories on the importance of sharing real representations of birth.

Watch this video of a strong, second-time mama working hard through a VBAC delivery in her home.

This is birth: A NICU birth story

After arriving 5 weeks early and spending 15 days in the NICU, we're happy to report Henry is now 8 months old and thriving. (Stick around until the end to see the cutest update photos.)

"Our culture fantasizes the perfect birth and bonding experience. When your baby is in the NICU following birth, there are so many bittersweet emotions that accompany this experience. Many mamas (including myself) have faced this situation, and yet, we see so little representation of it through media. I believe it's important to see how that love is still shown and is still felt by your baby, even when they need extra help in the NICU." - Videographer http://sma-photography.com/

This is birth: A first-time mama's hospital birth

This beautifully shot video captures the nerves and joyful anticipation of giving birth for the first time.

"Torie was realistic, strong, and leaned on her birth team throughout the experience. With every worry of 'how much longer' or 'how much harder will it be,' she was able to refocus her energy into knowing that with each surge, her baby was getting closer. Emotions were high among everyone present, and I think we all could relate to her eagerness to meet her son." - Videographer Forevermore Films

This is birth: A waterbirth story

Watch a second-time mama's peaceful water delivery in a birth center, while surrounded by her loving family.

The videographer explains, "I got a call early that morning that the mother had been laboring throughout the night. The birth was like a dance—her family supported her though each contraction. The midwife thought she was in early labor so she left to get a snack but heard her start to push and came back. The baby was born maybe 10 minutes later." — Zura Lagarde Photography

This is birth: An induced labor

"There's no single way to labor or give birth and I think that aspect of childbirth is so incredible. Alyssia is a close friend of mine, so I remember her expressing that she was a little nervous and unprepared to be induced. Well, that girl amazed me (as do all the mamas I witness!) She quickly kicked fear to the curb and changed her mindset. It was all about bringing a healthy baby boy into the world and she did beautifully." - Videographer Alma Heirlooms

This is birth: A gentle Cesarean birth story

"Mom specifically asked for a clear drape during her C-section. Mom and dad both wanted to see their baby as soon as he was born, this was really important to them and their doctor was supportive. They used a blue drape during the operation portion and then dropped that down so the clear drape could be used during the delivery. They didn't miss a moment of the delivery and it helped them feel more connected to their child throughout the birth experience."—Videographer Missy Moore Family Photography and Films

A gentle Cesarean birth story: Watch the emotional moment this mama lays eyes on her baby boy for the very first time.

The very best of Motherly — delivered when you need it most.
Subscribe for inspiration, empowering articles and expert tips to rock your best #momlife.

Subscribe for inspiration, empowering articles and expert tips to rock your best #momlife.

Thanks for subscribing!

Check your email for a confirmation message.

If you've turned on the news this week you know that Coronavirus, or COVID-19, is making headlines around the clock. The situation is constantly changing and it's hard to know what to expect.

Reports that a Coronavirus patient in California wasn't tested for the virus for days and that the same state is monitoring 84,000 people for possible cases have many parents alarmed, but as we said earlier this week, now is not the time to panic—it's the time to prepare.

As the possible first case of "community spread" coronavirus in the U.S. is investigated, the first impulse on hearing the news is to run out and buy as many face masks as you can, but according to the CDC that's not what we should be doing. Instead of panic-buying random supplies, be strategic in how you are stocking your home and your pantry, and how you are preparing your children for potential interruptions to daily life.

On Thursday the director-general of the World Health Organization said, "This is not a time for fear. This is the time for taking action now to prevent infections and save lives now."

Now is the time for action, not anxiety, Here's what you can do, mama.

How to prepare your home for coronavirus outbreaks

Rebecca Katz, director of the Center for Global Health Science and Security at Georgetown University told NPR that the best place to start is with general emergency planning. This "means not only contingency planning but also good old-fashioned preparedness planning for your family," says Katz.

If an outbreak happens, you won't want to be running to Target for toilet paper and might not be able to order food. If you have prepared for a hurricane or another natural disaster, this won't be much different. It's like Disaster Planning 101, but instead of planning to evacuate our homes we're planning to stay indoors for a significant amount of time.

FEMA: "Store a two week supply of water and food" 

how to prepare for coronavirus

www.fema.gov

There's no reason to panic, but you might want to do a Costco run soon and stock up on non-perishables.

FEMA and other agencies recommend packing emergency preparedness kits to make possible outbreaks of COVID-19 safer and less stressful for your family.

Here is what FEMA recommends parents do to prepare for a pandemic:

  • "Store a two week supply of water and food.
  • Periodically check your regular prescription drugs to ensure a continuous supply in your home.
  • Have any nonprescription drugs and other health supplies on hand, including pain relievers, stomach remedies, cough and cold medicines, fluids with electrolytes, and vitamins.
  • Get copies and maintain electronic versions of health records from doctors, hospitals, pharmacies and other sources and store them, for personal reference. Get help accessing electronic health records.
  • Talk with family members and loved ones about how they would be cared for if they got sick, or what will be needed to care for them in your home."
Note: You might have to get approval extended supplies of medication from your insurance provider, so make those calls sooner rather than later.

Be wary of scams

The snake-oil sellers are using the pandemic to fleece consumers, says the Federal Trade Commission. "They're setting up websites to sell bogus products, and using fake emails, texts and social media posts as a ruse to take your money and get your personal information," notes the FTC's Consumer Education Specialist, Colleen Tressler.

"The emails and posts may be promoting awareness and prevention tips, and fake information about cases in your neighborhood. They also may be asking you to donate to victims, offering advice on unproven treatments, or contain malicious email attachments," she explains.

Some scam emails are claiming to be from the CDC, but parents should know that the most up-to-date information is actually on the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) the World Health Organization (WHO) websites.

Bottom line: Don't panic about the Coronavirus

The coronavirus an be very serious, especially for elderly individuals, but "there is no evidence that children are more susceptible," according to the CDC.

"In fact, most confirmed cases of COVID-19 reported from China have occurred in adults," the CDC notes.

The CDC just wants people to be prepared for disruptions to daily life that might occur If there is a case in a community. When the virus is spreading the best way to stop it will be to close schools and businesses, even though that will most certainly be inconvenient.

In short, the experts aren't telling us to be ready for the apocalypse, they just want us to be ready to stay home for as long as a couple of weeks. Stocking up on supplies now isn't an over reaction, it's just good emergency planning.

I'll admit it: I love a pretty pink and blue nursery. It sounds overly cliche, but it's really classic. Traditional nursery colors are all well and good, but wouldn't it be cool to incorporate the same colors you love in your living room and bedroom in your baby's room? If you're ready to step outside the box and be a tad darring, we reached out to designers at Decorist to help us reimagine nursery color palette trends to put a spin on our existing designs.

Here are the top new nursery color palettes for 2020:

1. Mint colorways

"What's really popular are subtle mint shades paired with organic neutrals (think textural ivory and wood tones) with soft pops of black and white, creating a soothing retreat for you and your little one," says Decorist designer Meg Weber. When used in its more vibrant shades, mint can add moments of playfulness and it blends itself well to maximalist spaces. "There is a strong case for calling this shade of green, in its more subtle hues, the new grey," says Weber. "It feels updated and can act as a neutral itself while adding more dimension."

Get started with:

Pairings:

2. Blue + yellow balanced with brown + grey

It's important to remember that blue isn't just for a boy nursery, and pink isn't for girls. The color of your nursery is all about colors you like that make you feel good. You want it to be your happy place.

A blue and yellow palette is a great foundation for any nursery. "This color palette is a classic that strangely feels new again with the infusion of brown and gray furniture in fun colors and bohemian accents," says Weber. "The key is to keep a neutral ground so the blues and yellows pop in a modern way and work with bold geometric shapes. This palette is another great gender neutral option that can also grow with your tot."

Get started with:

Pairings:

3. Jewel tones + vibrant tropicals

Jewel tones are officially trending in 2020 and it feels especially fresh when paired with tropical accents and hints of blush. If you're looking for depth in your nursery, go for rich colors like sapphire, topaz, emerald, ruby and amethyst. This palette works best when executed with a maximalist approach, layering color on color and mixing bold patterns with natural materials. If you're new to the trend, and not quite sold on it, start small with a jewel tone rug. Rugs are a great way to add color without fully committing.

Get started with:

Pairings:

4. Neutral Bohemian colors with a touch of terracotta

When it comes to Bohemian colors, you'll want to look to browns, greens and grays. Think of 1970's design when creating a Boho aesthetic—it's all about mixing colors, patterns and textures. "While I'm personally not a huge fan of Boho, I do love the serene and neutral space it creates," says Decorist designer Belinda Nihill. "Layering texture rather than color is such a beautiful way to do so. For boys, I love adding leather and timber to the soft neutrals; for girls, it's the palest of blush tones."

For terracotta colors, you'll want to look for earth tones that land somewhere between orange and brown.

Get started with:

Pairings:

5. Brooding, moody hues

"Brooding hues are also trending across the board in home decor and translate beautifully to nurseries," says Weber. Moody hues like blue, green and gray undertones are soothing and can make both large and small spaces feel extra cozy. They also look lovely paired with dark greys and rust, and can be infused subtly or saturate a room.

Get started with:

Pairings:

We independently select and share the products we love—and may receive a commission if you choose to buy. You've got this.

It's finally 2020. It's hard to believe but the old decade is over, the new one is here and it is bringing a lot of new life with it. The babies born this year are members of Generation Alpha and the world is waiting for them.

We're only a few days into the new year and there are already some new celebrity arrivals making headlines while making their new parents proud.

If your little one arrived (or is due to arrive) in 2020, they've got plenty of high profile company.

Here are all the celebrity babies born in 2020 (so far):

Laura Prepon is a mama x 2! 

Actors Laura Prepon and Ben Foster share 2-year-old daughter Ella and now share another "bundle of love".

Prepon announced her pregnancy back in October on Instagram:. "We are so excited to announce that our family is growing. Life is beautiful!" and has now announced her birth as well.

"Overwhelmed with gratitude." she captioned an Instagram photo of her baby.

Ashley Graham is a mama! 🎉

A new chapter is unfolding for model and podcaster Ashley Graham, who just announced she and her husband Justin Ervin have met their baby.

The baby arrived Saturday, according to a post made on Graham's Instagram Stories.

"At 6:00pm on Saturday our lives changed for the better," reads the Story. "Thank you for all your love and support during this incredible time."

Graham previously announced that she and Ervin were expecting a son. They initially announced the pregnancy on their ninth wedding anniversary.

Congratulations to Ashley and Justin!

Cameron Diaz and Benji Madden just welcomed a baby girl! 🎉

Surprise! Cameron Diaz and Benji Madden are ringing in the New Year as first-time parents!

"Happy New Year from the Maddens!" reads a birth announcement posted to both Diaz and Madden's Instagram accounts. "We are so happy, blessed and grateful to begin this new decade by announcing the birth of our daughter, Raddix Madden. She has instantly captured our hearts and completed our family."

Raddix Madden is the first child for Diaz, 47, and Madden, 40.

The couple say they won't be posting any pictures of their daughter on social media as they "feel a strong instinct to protect our little one's privacy."

Congratulations to the Maddens! 🎉

Dylan Dreyer of 'Today' is a mom of 2! 

Today meteorologist Dylan Dreyer and her husband Brian Fichera, welcomed their second child, Oliver George Fichera, the first week of January 2020. Oliver joins his big brother Calvin to make the family a foursome.

Dreyer is still recovering from birth but her voice was on TV this week when she called into her show with an update on her new family. "I feel good," Dylan told her colleagues. "I just feel so happy and so blessed."

Caterina Scorsone of 'Grey's Anatomy' now has 3 girls!

Caterina Scorsone of Grey's Anatomy has so much to be thankful for in 2020: She's now a mom of three! The actress announced the birth of her daughter via Instagram, noting that her baby's name is Arwen.

Arwen joins big sisters Eliza, 7, and 3-year-old Paloma, who has Down syndrome. Speaking on The Motherly Podcast last year, Scorsone explained how Paloma's diagnosis made her "whole concept of what motherhood was had to shift."

It is likely shifting again, as any mama who has gone from two kids to three knows.

We are constantly absorbing emotions from those around us. That's part of the reason being around kids and teens, with their roller coasters of emotion, can be so exhausting. And when our own hearts and minds are clouded by emotion, we are not showing up and responding with our wisest mind and most open heart.

Our capacity for calm in the midst of a kid's emotional storm offers hope, because it signals that calm is possible in the midst of chaos.

What's happening in your child's brain during a tantrum

Neuroscientist Dan Siegel and parenting expert Tina Bryson creatively describe "downstairs" and "upstairs" aspects of the brain. Our primitive brains—the limbic system and amygdala—are reactive and emotional, driven by impulsive, short-term interests, and primitive drives. This childlike, impulsive, instinctual system lives downstairs.

Meanwhile, the outer cortices of our brains, which enable us to inhibit impulses, slow down, gain perspective, process emotional stimuli, and articulate these stimuli into thought and action, live upstairs. This upstairs area helps us plan, think before we act, take perspective, make moral decisions, and form relationships.

The "wise mind" integrates both our emotional and our rational minds, according to Marsha Linehan, the creator of dialectical behavior therapy. The four aspects of our brains—left, right, upstairs, downstairs—need strong connections to work together to build wise, healthy brains.

During a tantrum, when the amygdala and emotions flare up, it's almost impossible for logic to penetrate our kids' closed-off outer cortices. Helping them settle down from a tantrum to engage their wise mind takes wisdom, compassion, and plenty of patience on our part.

Why children (unlike adults) can't calm down during a tantrum

Our children are not miniature adults—their growing brains are actually incapable of taking an adult perspective on a situation and using that knowledge to calm down.

Remembering this can help us see that tantrums are not methodically manufactured manipulations. A child's tantrum operates at an instinctual level that simply won't respond to reason.

Once we recognize this, we can make more effective choices about responding.

How to respond calmly to a tantrum

Yes, sometimes challenging behaviors are premeditated, and in those cases, we should respond with intention, logic, and clear boundaries or consequences. However, when our kids are experiencing a limbic system meltdown, what they need is connection and calming.

When children descend into lower-brain chaos, parents need to work overtime to first calm our own prefrontal cortex (PFC), which is associated with planning and thinking and is located just behind the forehead—so we can view the situation clearly.

When we show that we've regulated our own emotions, it signals to kids that it's safe for them to calm down. It also models and mirrors to them (often literally, through what are called mirror neurons) how to calm down. Thus, the quickest way to cultivate calm in a child is to practice being calm yourself.

As one meme I recently saw on Twitter says, "Never in the history of calming down has anyone ever calmed down by being told to calm down."

Telling kids to relax doesn't work nearly as well as a soft voice or a gentle touch, both of which turn on the "attend and befriend" response, shut off fight or flight, thin out cortisol, and boost oxytocin, the so-called love hormone.

Once we establish that fundamental connection with our child (or anyone, for that matter), we can open our hearts and minds to each other, see each other's perspective, and move on together.

Once your child calms down, you can move toward processing and planning verbally. Here are some things to try:

  • Continue to engage the PFC by asking what consequence they think would be fair or asking them to reflect on why certain expectations exist in your household.
  • Don't forget your kids' basic needs. That PFC is an energy guzzler—sometimes just a rest or snack is all that's needed to get things up and running again.
  • Sometimes you have to get creative and throw your kid a curveball, maybe literally. In other words, you have to hijack their lower brain by getting them to do something with their bodies—playing catch or doing a few downward dogs.
  • Engage their senses with strong sensory stimuli, like eating a bit of spicy food, smelling or tasting a lemon, or moving to a different room or getting outside.
  • Try to jump-start their PFC with a seemingly random question, like what they want for dinner or what's the name of their best friend's mom.
  • Decrease the dominance of the amygdala with games—a quick round of cards, some fun verbal wordplay, or a checkers match. From there, you can steer your kids back into their wisest minds.

When we interrupt tantrums like this, it's vital that, once things calm down, we address what triggered the tantrum. You don't have to rehash the details of every conflict, but remember that consistency is always key to raising resilient and healthy kids. So if you say you are going to come back to something later, come back to it. This lets kids integrate the experience with their whole brain once it's fully back online.


What's happening in your child's brain during a tantrum

Neuroscientist Dan Siegel and parenting expert Tina Bryson creatively describe "downstairs" and "upstairs" aspects of the brain. Our primitive brains—the limbic system and amygdala—are reactive and emotional, driven by impulsive, short-term interests, and primitive drives. This childlike, impulsive, instinctual system lives downstairs.

Meanwhile, the outer cortices of our brains, which enable us to inhibit impulses, slow down, gain perspective, process emotional stimuli, and articulate these stimuli into thought and action, live upstairs. This upstairs area helps us plan, think before we act, take perspective, make moral decisions, and form relationships.

The "wise mind" integrates both our emotional and our rational minds, according to Marsha Linehan, the creator of dialectical behavior therapy. The four aspects of our brains—left, right, upstairs, downstairs—need strong connections to work together to build wise, healthy brains.

During a tantrum, when the amygdala and emotions flare up, it's almost impossible for logic to penetrate our kids' closed-off outer cortices. Helping them settle down from a tantrum to engage their wise mind takes wisdom, compassion, and plenty of patience on our part.

Why children (unlike adults) can't calm down during a tantrum

Our children are not miniature adults—their growing brains are actually incapable of taking an adult perspective on a situation and using that knowledge to calm down.

Remembering this can help us see that tantrums are not methodically manufactured manipulations. A child's tantrum operates at an instinctual level that simply won't respond to reason.

Once we recognize this, we can make more effective choices about responding.

How to respond calmly to a tantrum

Yes, sometimes challenging behaviors are premeditated, and in those cases, we should respond with intention, logic, and clear boundaries or consequences. However, when our kids are experiencing a limbic system meltdown, what they need is connection and calming.

When children descend into lower-brain chaos, parents need to work overtime to first calm our own prefrontal cortex (PFC), which is associated with planning and thinking and is located just behind the forehead—so we can view the situation clearly.

When we show that we've regulated our own emotions, it signals to kids that it's safe for them to calm down. It also models and mirrors to them (often literally, through what are called mirror neurons) how to calm down. Thus, the quickest way to cultivate calm in a child is to practice being calm yourself.

As one meme I recently saw on Twitter says, "Never in the history of calming down has anyone ever calmed down by being told to calm down."

Telling kids to relax doesn't work nearly as well as a soft voice or a gentle touch, both of which turn on the “attend and befriend" response, shut off fight or flight, thin out cortisol, and boost oxytocin, the so-called love hormone.

Once we establish that fundamental connection with our child (or anyone, for that matter), we can open our hearts and minds to each other, see each other's perspective, and move on together.

Once your child calms down, you can move toward processing and planning verbally. Here are some things to try:

  • Continue to engage the PFC by asking what consequence they think would be fair or asking them to reflect on why certain expectations exist in your household.
  • Don't forget your kids' basic needs. That PFC is an energy guzzler—sometimes just a rest or snack is all that's needed to get things up and running again.
  • Sometimes you have to get creative and throw your kid a curveball, maybe literally. In other words, you have to hijack their lower brain by getting them to do something with their bodies—playing catch or doing a few downward dogs.
  • Engage their senses with strong sensory stimuli, like eating a bit of spicy food, smelling or tasting a lemon, or moving to a different room or getting outside.
  • Try to jump-start their PFC with a seemingly random question, like what they want for dinner or what's the name of their best friend's mom.
  • Decrease the dominance of the amygdala with games—a quick round of cards, some fun verbal wordplay, or a checkers match. From there, you can steer your kids back into their wisest minds.

When we interrupt tantrums like this, it's vital that, once things calm down, we address what triggered the tantrum. You don't have to rehash the details of every conflict, but remember that consistency is always key to raising resilient and healthy kids. So if you say you are going to come back to something later, come back to it. This lets kids integrate the experience with their whole brain once it's fully back online.

Motherly provides information of a general nature and is designed for educational purposes only. This site does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment.Your use of the site indicates your agreement to be bound by our  Terms of Use and Privacy Policy. Information on our advertising guidelines can be found here.