I would bet that most of us can quickly conjure up an image, and probably even a name, of a "perfect mom." The one who fit back into her jeans two weeks after giving birth. Her hair and makeup always done, and her kids looking like they just walked out of a Nordstrom ad.
Oh, and she probably runs her own business, attends all the soccer games while also making homemade three-course organic meals every night— right? We imagine her being good at everything and nailing mom life perfectly.
The reality is that social media has made it so easy to view other moms out there as perfect—and to view ourselves as always falling short of who we think we should be as a mom.
I began asking other moms if they too have had a similar experience of feeling like they have failed to live up to this idealistic version of motherhood. The responses all pointed to different versions of this same experience—the belief that what we are doing and who we are being as a mom is not enough.
So how do we let go of this "perfect-mom" illusion? Here are some tips to support you in finding your best version of mom life:
1. Let go of the perfect mommy gremlin
Gremlins are all of the disempowering thoughts that make us feel not good enough or not worthy enough. The "Perfect Mommy Gremlin" is purely dedicated to those thoughts that are specifically related to motherhood. Turning down the volume on our gremlin is all about awareness and noticing the thoughts that you are having.
I also find it helpful to create a hilarious visual of what my gremlin would look like in real life based on these thoughts. The combination of awareness and humor easily snaps me out of these negative thoughts and brings me back to reality.
2. Remember to honor what you value most
When you start telling yourself that you are a frumpy mom who should be looking more like a Kardashian mom, connect with what personal values you honor. I'm the kind of mom who sports some variety of stretchy pants most days, and maybe a five-minute makeup routine if all goes well that day.
I value comfort, simplicity and practicality and this is totally seen it my daily routine. Take a few minutes to get clear on what you value most in life. It might surprise you how many of these values you are already honoring. Beyond appearance and routine, explore areas like health, self-care and balance. If you find that you have values that are not being honored, take this as an opportunity to get clear on what it is that you really want so you can start moving toward it.
3. Get vulnerable and be honest
Next time you see a seemingly perfect mom, would you be willing to tell her how you feel? Connecting with other moms in an honest way can be really empowering for both of you. Instead of assuming that she's some kind of superhuman, dare to say, "Wow, you seem like such a perfect mom. What's your secret? I don't know about you, but I really struggle to keep it all together sometimes."
You never know how she is going to respond, but I can imagine that perfect facade will disappear and you'll find common ground.
4. Be authentic online (and find inspiration there, too)
How amazing is it when you come across one of those authentic real-life moms on social media? They definitely aren't perfect moms because they are worthy of a title so much more powerful than that. They are strong mamas and so inspiring. These are the moms that allow me to see that I am exactly enough as a mom just the way I am, even if I fed my kid McDonalds three times this week.They are the moms who completely own their darkness and light, allowing us to see that both can completely co-exist together. That we can have those really hard days and also be grateful and completely in love with our kids. Consider what kind of mom you want to be on social media. If you feel inspired by other mamas' real posts, make a commitment to show up with your mommy realness at least once a week, too.
5. Let go of perfection once and for all
Perfection is an illusion that has absolutely nothing to offer you. Yes, it can lead to personal growth and improvement, but perfection isn't about either of those things. In Brené Brown's book, The Gifts of Imperfection Brown writes, "Healthy striving is self-focused: 'How can I improve?' Perfectionism is other-focused: 'What will they think?'"
Our gremlin fuels this desire to reach perfection. We can flip it on its head to create a new belief that honors what we value will make space for so much more love and joy in our lives. Even bigger than that, modeling these personal values and focused behaviors will create an empowering belief system for our kids.
This definitely is not an instant anti-perfection recipe. It's a daily practice and choice of who we want to be, and how we want to show up in real life and on social media. Just like practicing gratitude or journaling, this is a practice of owning our version of motherhood and embracing that sometimes good enough is exactly enough.
It's letting go of the expectation of what we thought the day would look like (or how much sleep we would get that night) and deciding to be present with what is rather than trying to fight against it. Best of all, it's knowing that owning all of our imperfections is helping another mom out there see the beauty and strength in her own imperfections. Remember, you're completely enough, mama.
You might also like:
- Perfect parents don't exist—so why do we keep expecting them to?
- 5 things I wish I didn't waste time worrying about as a new mom
- I thought I was going to be the 'perfect mom'—before I had kids