Let this be the year you stop comparing yourself to other moms

Social media and the Internet as a whole are helpful tools. They make it easy to answer questions like what to do when your toddler goes on a food strike or how many diapers your newborn actually needs. But despite its benefits, it can be dangerous when the Internet becomes a comparison tool. Learning how to stop comparing yourself to others on social media can be hard.

“The comparison game sends us down a rabbit hole of delusional worship of others and unrealistic expectations of ourselves,” explains Laurey Dachs, LCSW, PMH-C, at Alma Therapy. “The truth that we all need to remember is that outtakes greatly outnumber posts. Just before (and probably just after) that perfect take was posted, a baby was screaming, the kids were poking each other and the floors were covered in toys.” 

Related: Ditching social media comparison saved my motherhood

If you’re trying to kick the comparison-game habit and figure out how to avoid comparing yourself to other moms, finding grounding practices to replace it with can help. Gayle Weill, LCSW at Alma Therapy, encourages parents to find a self-care routine that makes sense for them.

“It is never too late to start creating time for self-care. Create some time during the day when you can have some sort of ‘me’ time. Make sure to have some time to yourself away from your kids for a little bit so that you can feel like you have an identity separate from your children. If you can’t get childcare, even just having some quiet time alone in your room for a bit can be very helpful for your mental health and sanity.” We know it’s hard: According to our 2023 State of Motherhood survey report, the majority of moms (62%) report getting less than 1 hour to themselves each day. But it’s so important to carve out moments just for yourself.

4 steps for how to stop comparing

1. Feel proud of yourself

It’s commendable to make the choice to replace doom-scrolling with moments of happiness and fulfillment. How you start building this habit can help set the tone for how well you stick to it and how you feel.

“Feeling motivated to start a resolution that’s meant to replace a bad habit is amazing,” explains Weill. “It means that you’re insightful enough to know how helpful it is to introduce more positivity into your life, and you’re also motivated to make a difference for yourself. Feel proud of yourself for having this insight and willingness, not everyone does.”

2. Start small and go slow

After you’ve patted yourself on the back for your awesome decision-making, you’ll want to keep taking baby steps seriously.

“Start small and go slow,” encourages Dachs. “Making goals attainable and making incremental progress is the key to success. It’s easy to become overwhelmed by trying to do too much at once and from there, we start seeing our goals as unattainable. Begin your journey by dedicating a small amount of time each day (or a few times a week) to build a new habit without disrupting your comfortable routine.” 

Weill adds that taking it slow will actually make it easier to not get discouraged. 

Related: 7 things I’m done comparing myself to other moms about 

3. Establish a backup plan

Don’t wait for a misstep to happen to ask yourself, “What should I do now?” Instead, take action and build out contingency plans for expected scenarios. For instance, if your fear is that you’ll reach for your phone too much without noticing, adding app time limits may help. 

Weill shares two other strategies that can also help. 

“When you notice that your thoughts are spiraling and you’re getting down on yourself because you don’t have what others have, or you’re comparing yourself to others in other ways, close your eyes and take a deep breath. Consciously clear your mind and envision the word ‘STOP.’ Remind yourself of the things that you are grateful for and the blessings in your life. This may take practice.” 

“If you find it difficult to redirect your thoughts, change your environment instead. Go into a different room and get involved in some kind of activity so that you redirect your focus to something more productive. Know the truth: that others aren’t any better than you are—even if sometimes that feels untrue. You may have something that someone else feels envious of. No one is perfect and we all have our positive attributes and positive things that happen to us. Comparison to others isn’t helpful. Practice mindfulness and self-care.” 

4. Practice self-forgiveness

“Allow yourself the freedom to slide without giving up,” explains Dachs. “It doesn’t have to be an all-or-nothing game. Establish your ultimate reason for wanting to change your habits and hold tight to them. Small, attainable goals are important to staying the course, but reminding yourself of your long-term why when your motivation slips will keep you from complacency.”

Weill also added, “Creating new habits isn’t easy. Research has shown that it takes at least three weeks to create a new habit. Expect that you’ll make mistakes along the way, have patience, and keep trying.” 

Related: The postpartum comparison game 

The beginning of the year is a great time to start picking up a new habit, but remember: it’s not the only time. No matter how many starts and stops you may have, keeping your eyes set on your goal will help you center your own mental health in the process.

The tips above are a starting point for how to best get off the comparison train, but it’s OK if trial and error lead you down another path. The important thing to keep in mind is that you’re manifesting a year with less comparison and more time appreciating yourself! 

A version of this story was originally published on Jan. 10, 2023. It has been updated.