How you + your partner can always be on the same team—even in times of conflict
Based on research, this powerful method can transform barriers of hurt and misunderstanding into bridges of connection.

Leo Tolstoy’s book Anna Karenina begins, “Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” Dr. Gottman’s four decades of research tells a different story.
Following thousands of couples (some for multiple decades), Gottman found that the couples who would eventually divorce were more alike than different. They used the Four Horsemen, ignored bids for connection and failed to accept influence. Maybe you get upset because your partner spends more money than you do. Or you feel like your partner doesn’t pay enough attention to you, or expects you to take care of household duties and chores. These hurt feelings can act like a snowball rolling down a hill: out of control, exponentially growing in size and eventually smashing into and breaking down the walls of your Sound Relationship House. If you don’t repair the seemingly minor (and sometimes super big) things, then your Story of Us is bound to focus on the negative events in your memory. This promotes negative feelings towards your partner, and eventually leads to more conflict and more disconnection. In my work with couples, I’ve found that when each partner is willing to focus on the underlying feelings of the conflict, the problem stops functioning as a barrier to connection. Instead, conflict becomes a catalyst for closeness and understanding.
Following thousands of couples (some for multiple decades), Gottman found that the couples who would eventually divorce were more alike than different. They used the Four Horsemen, ignored bids for connection and failed to accept influence. Maybe you get upset because your partner spends more money than you do. Or you feel like your partner doesn’t pay enough attention to you, or expects you to take care of household duties and chores. These hurt feelings can act like a snowball rolling down a hill: out of control, exponentially growing in size and eventually smashing into and breaking down the walls of your Sound Relationship House. If you don’t repair the seemingly minor (and sometimes super big) things, then your Story of Us is bound to focus on the negative events in your memory. This promotes negative feelings towards your partner, and eventually leads to more conflict and more disconnection. In my work with couples, I’ve found that when each partner is willing to focus on the underlying feelings of the conflict, the problem stops functioning as a barrier to connection. Instead, conflict becomes a catalyst for closeness and understanding.