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Julie on pregnancy loss, postpartum depression and the waiting to find her happiness again

newborn baby holding moms finger - essay on postpartum depression from pregnancy loss

Content warning: Discussion of postpartum depression, birth trauma, domestic abuse or other tough topics ahead. If you or someone you know is struggling with a postpartum mental health challenge, including postpartum depression or anxiety, call 1-833-9-HELP4MOMS (tel:18009435746)—The National Maternal Mental Health Hotline This free, confidential service provides access to trained counselors and resources 24 hours a day, 7 days a week in English, Spanish, and more than 60 other languages. They can offer support and information related to before, during, and after pregnancy.

I waited for that first test to come back positive. The first pregnancy test I had ever taken. I waited to tell everyone the joy that we were expecting our first baby. I waited to see our beautiful baby for the first time at our very first ultrasound. Then I waited for the pain to heal after they told us there was no heartbeat

I waited every month since for another positive test. When it came, I waited anxiously before every scan to be assured everything was OK and our baby was still with us. I waited for what felt like forever for your arrival into the world where all our dreams would come through. I waited to bring you home, to proudly show you to everyone who knew how much I wanted you.

I waited. I waited for the baby blues to pass. I waited for the tears to stop but they kept flowing. I waited to wake up one day not riddled with anxiety, pain and sadness. I waited for the panic attack to ease.

Related: When I tell you I have postpartum depression, here’s what I want you to know

I waited for the day I woke up happy and not full of dread and guilt. Finally I waited for a diagnosis. I waited to be told I wasn’t losing my mind and then I waited through fear that I could never be fixed.

I waited, and waited, and waited, and one day, when I’d almost lost hope, slowly the waiting began to fade. For anyone who has or is experiencing postpartum depression, reach out, get postpartum help and if you ever need support, I’m here. 

It’s very real, it’s very frightening, and it’s curable. I’m living proof. Trust me…and don’t wait.