A viral TikTok highlights the importance of teaching children “distress tolerance”

It’s a natural instinct as a parent to leap to action when your child seems sad or distressed. And when your child tells you they have no friends? It hurts in a way that makes you want to fix things immediately.

But in a TikTok that’s struck a chord across the internet, mom and social worker @helennichole3 shared a surprising—but informed—piece of advice from a professional: “do nothing.” Instead of jumping in, pause, listen, and stay present.

The focus here is trust, not inaction. Trusting that, with your presence and empathy, kids can learn to navigate social discomfort in a meaningful way now and throughout their lives. As the post creator says, “I want my children to grow up―twenties, thirties, forties―and not having to learn social situations for the first time then.”

How research backs this approach

Loneliness in childhood isn’t rare. Studies show that 1 in 5 parents worry their child has few or no friends, often citing shyness or social awkwardness as the main barrier.

Allowing children to sit with this discomfort helps them grow and builds resilience, giving them the confidence and support to face challenges. Research underscores that children who develop resilience are better able to cope with adversity, leading to improved mental health and well-being. Resilience also acts as a protective factor, helping children manage stress and recover from setbacks.

What “doing nothing” actually looks like

No one is suggesting you ignore your child’s distress. Instead, look for opportunities to help them explore their feelings and foster internally motivated confidence and strength.

• Validate the feeling: “That looks hard. I’m here for you, even when it hurts.”
• Ask gentle questions: “Did anyone sit with you at lunch? Would you like to sit with someone next time?”
• Name the need underneath: Sometimes it’s about belonging or fear of exclusion—not just the absence of playmates.
• Observe patterns, not one-offs: A lonely afternoon isn’t a crisis—watch for consistent isolation or emotional shifts that might call for more support.

These small, emotionally intelligent acts—grounded in compassion, not panic—can strengthen your connection and empower your child to build empathy and social confidence. In fact, research highlights that positive relationships with responsible adults, such as parents and caregivers, are crucial for fostering resilience in children. These relationships provide the support and guidance necessary for children to overcome challenges .

What other parents and educators are saying

The video brought to light a struggle many parents face as their children start to explore friendships in school and beyond:

• “As a teacher it’s so hard to hear parents say their kids say they have no friends. I’m always like no, they have friends, they just don’t understand what “friend” really means. At that age it’s playing on the playground together.” – @court4short92
• “I do not want my kids grow into adults that have social anxiety, need validation, or can’t take risks/be uncomfortable. Be at peace in solitude or problem solve. I completely agree with your take.” – @adrianacrosby
• “As a therapist who serves quite a few Gen Z clients, this is so real. I’m working with far too many of them on building their tolerance for discomfort because their parents cushioned them from life challenges throughout childhood.” – @charla_y

Fortunately, most children begin to forge strong relationships and friendships when given time, trust, and emotional safety. And research confirms that children with even a single close friend experience better emotional adjustment, greater school success, and less loneliness overall.

Growing resilience together

Doing nothing’ can actually be a form of care, allowing us to respond with empathy and giving children the time they need, rather than rushing them. It stays present.

Because resilience isn’t built in the absence of pain—it’s forged in how we stay with it. When a little one feels friendless, your calm, compassionate presence says: You’re not alone. And you will thrive, in your time and your way.