"I believed I had prepared myself for the postpartum period. I had spoken to many girlfriends who had gone through it and I felt ready for the overwhelming emotions, hormones and exhaustion that came with postpartum."
I thought it meant I was defective and not really cut out to be a mom. I had entire weeks where the only person I spoke to outside my home was the grocery store cashier. I was often alone as a new mom and later when I became a stay-at-home mom.
They didn’t tell me I was at an even higher risk for depression and anxiety whenever there was a hormone change in my body. That loss changed everything for me.
I went back to work full-time. I was still waiting.
I picked up the kids from daycare every day. I was still waiting.
I had a birthday. I was still waiting.
I stopped going out on weekends. Still waiting.
Stopped replying to messages. Still waiting.
Stopped seeing my friends. Still waiting.
Stopped answering phone calls. Waiting.
After my son was born, all I wanted was sleep. But I was scared of closing my eyes for fear of something happening to him during that time. I couldn’t shut my mind off from all the irrational thoughts running through it.
"There were nights that I held my oldest boy while he slept apologizing for being so angry and explaining to him that mommy is going to get better so he doesn't have to see me be angry with him anymore."
