Menu

I couldn’t handle the pressure: I fired the Tooth Fairy

“It’s okay Mom,” he said kindly, “but can I please have the money?” ?

I couldn’t handle the pressure: I fired the Tooth Fairy

I fired the Tooth Fairy. ? #SorryNotSorry


I am all done moonlighting as an ivory collector.

It was the fifth time the, “Tooth Fairy must have been so busy she forgot!” while my husband and I mouthed obscenities to each other over their heads, HOW COULD WE LET THIS HAPPEN AGAIN???! My son sat me down and gently asked, “Mom, are you the tooth fairy?”

I just couldn’t handle the pressure anymore. I caved.

“YEEEEEES, I’m SOOO sorry!”

“It’s okay Mom,” he said kindly, “but can I please have the money?”

“Go grab my purse.”

Now that they know the truth, my seven year old tells me 47 times before goes to bed, “I just can’t wait until the TOOTH FAIRY comes tonight. The TOOTH FAIRY is welcome to leave cash or small toys, in case the TOOTH FAIRY was wondering.” Then he winks at me wildly until I’m worried he’s having a seizure.

The problem is, this doesn’t help, because I am going to forget forever, and my kids are shedding teeth like sheep dogs lose hair. We practically have to eat through straws around here.

I never think about it again until I feel him staring at me disapprovingly while I make breakfast the next morning.

“WHAT?!” I finally ask.

“The Tooth Fairy forgot last night,” he says. Then he doesn’t break eye contact for a full thirty seconds in case we both weren’t clear WHO the fairy is that he’s referring to.

I DO NOT KNOW WHAT MY PROBLEM IS. Why can I not remember this??

Also HOW DID THIS EVEN BECOME A THING??

Did the mothers of old turn their children’s canines into ivory earrings, or barter with them at the local trading post? Why are we paying our kids for their teeth? Do we think they will leave the tooth forever to rot in their heads if we don’t offer them some sort of cash incentive?

I feel like if I knew what I was supposed to do with the ivory once I collected it, maybe I’d be better at remembering.

Also I’m pretty sure I need Jedi skills to rummage under my kid’s head and not wake them up. Worst. Idea. Ever. Do other people’s children sleep kind of like dead people? Is there a form of Children’s Nyquil reserved for the Tooth Fairy? Or is it a simple use of pre-bedtime hypnotism?

Just tell me.

I really think there needs to be more specialty training courses for this. Right along with childbirth and breastfeeding. Here’s how to remove a tooth from underneath a sleeping child, taught by James Bond.

Meanwhile, I just made a family announcement—

I want to inform you all that I will now be doing daylight cash transactions for teeth. No more back alley deals. You bring me the tooth and I give you quarters.

During the day. When 100% of this family is awake.

The end.


Jessica writes at her blog Wonderoak. Follow her on Facebook and Instagram.


Join Motherly

10 must-have registry items that will change your life, mama

The baby gear heavy hitters that should be top of your list

Calling all mamas-to-be! It's a fundamental truth of (impending) motherhood that your prepping-for-baby To Do list can feel a mile long, but really the best way to feel organized is to sort out the most important item at the top of your list: your registry. Sure the items you choose to include will end up running the gamut from nice-to-haves to absolutely essential game-changers, but mamas in the know quickly learn one thing: Not all baby gear is created equal.

So while you can and should pepper your registry with adorable inclusions that aren't necessarily can't-live-withouts (go ahead, add 'em!), you should make sure you're ticking the boxes on those pieces of baby gear that can be absolute life savers once you're in full-blown mama mode. From car seats to bouncers and playmats, your play and travel gear will be some of the most obvious important items on your list, but so can unexpected things, like a super comfy baby carrier and a snooze-inducing white noise machine. So to help you sort through the must-have options, we turned to the holy grail of motherhood that is buybuy BABY and handpicked 10 of the very best essential pieces that will change your life, we promise.

Keep reading Show less
Our Partners

Every week, we stock the Motherly Shop with innovative and fresh products from brands we feel good about. We want to be certain you don't miss anything, so to keep you in the loop, we're providing a cheat sheet.

So, what's new this week?

Earth Mama: Effective, natural herbal care for mamas and babies

Founded and grown in her own garage in 2002, Earth Mama started as an operation of one, creating salves, tinctures, teas and soaps with homegrown herbs. With a deep desire to bring the healing powers of nature that have been relied on for thousands of years to as many mamas as possible, Melinda Olson's formulas quickly grew into Earth Mama Organics. Since then, the brand has remained committed to manufacturing clean, safe and effective herbal solutions for the entire journey of motherhood, including pregnancy, breastfeeding and baby care, and even the loss of a baby.

Bravado Designs: Soothing sounds for a good night's sleep

With 28 years of serving pregnant and postpartum mamas under their belt, Bravado Designs is a true authority on the needs of changing bodies. It's true that we have them to thank for rescuing us from the uncomfortable and frumpy designs our own moms had to live with. Launched in Canada by two young mamas, they designed the first prototypes with extra leopard print fabric certain that a better bra was possible. Throughout the years they've maintained their commitment to ethical manufacturing while creating long-lasting products that truly work.

The Sill: Instagram-ready potted plants

We've long admired this female-founded brand and the brilliant mind behind it, Eliza Blank. (She even joined Motherly co-founder Liz Tenety on and episode of The Motherly Podcast!) The mission behind the business was simple: To make the process of bringing plants into your home as easy as possible, and as wonderful as the plant themselves. With their in-house, exclusively designed minimalist planters, the end result makes plant parenthood just a few clicks away.

Not sure where to start? Here's what we're adding to our cart:

Keep reading Show less
Shop

The 6 biggest lies I believed before having kids

Just about all of us had set assumptions about raising kids before we became parents ourselves.

Just about all of us had set assumptions about raising kids before we became parents ourselves. Some of these ideas might have been based on our own ideas of how we would absolutely do things differently than everyone else. Others, we believed what everyone else told us would happen would apply to our littles, too. But, that's not always the case, mama.

Below are six of the biggest lies I believed before having kids—and the reality of what actually happened for me.

1. Put your baby down drowsy, but awake

Keep reading Show less
Life