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I’m a survivor. I’m a NICU mama.

Walking out of the hospital with a NICU baby is a true miracle.​

I’m a survivor. I’m a NICU mama.

For #MotherlyStories | I am a NICU mommy. I am a mama who gave birth to one of the 450,000 premature babies


in the U.S each year.

I am the 1-in-9 statistic.

My brave warrior prince, Wilder, was born two months and two days before his due date

on a frigid January night in 2014. Nine days earlier, at 30 weeks pregnant, I awoke at three

A.M. and, to my horror, discovered I was hemorrhaging. I persuaded my husband to stay home

with our two-year-old son, Dash, and took an Uber by myself to the hospital. Twelve hours and two

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sonograms later, I was placed on full bedrest.

Despite several miscarriages and complicated pregnancies, I was still completely unprepared

and shocked when my OB told us I would have to deliver our son prematurely. I remember

so vividly the look of concern on his face as he sat on the edge of my hospital bed and

said my situation had taken a serious turn—I was losing too much blood and we needed to deliver.

“But I'm barely 31 weeks," I cried, looking at my husband's face as his eyes also

welled up with tears. My doctor took my hand and said firmly, “This is what I can tell you for certain:

We have an incredible NICU here. He will be in great hands. Also, a baby I delivered at

twenty-nine weeks is currently at Harvard." I let out some combination of a laugh and wail, took

a deep breath, and said, “OK. Let's do it."

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There is nothing more anxiety-inducing than the sterile white walls of an operating room

in the middle of the night. I had been in this exact room two years prior delivering Dash, but this

time was very different. You could feel the collective nervousness in the room, even from the

doctors, who were trying to stay as calm as possible. When the doctor whispered “Happy Birthday,"

I knew our baby was out of my body but I wasn't sure of his condition. I stared at my husband's

face, frantic for some sign he was okay and all I heard was a deafening silence.

“Is he ok?" I said to my husband, sheer panic in my voice.

“I don't know,“ he said grimly and I could see his eyes were plagued with fear. A couple minutes

later that felt like an eternity, I screamed “Will someone (expletive) tell me my baby is okay,

please?" and a doctor shouted at me to stay calm. I heard a suction noise and the smallest, tiniest

cry. I looked at my husband and we burst into tears. Our son was alive.

Azizah Rowen and Wilder at the hospital

Thus began our harrowing journey of having a preemie. From the second Wilder was

whisked away into the NICU and placed into an incubator for 49 days, we were in survival

mode. The first time I held him I could not believe how small he was. He weighed 4 pounds

and was 17 inches tall—around the size of a pineapple. He had tubes coming out of his mouth

and nose and was hooked up to heart and oxygen monitors. He had an IV in. It was so much

more terrifying than I could have imagined. I was hysterical, sure that I would lose him.

His NICU staff, a dream team of the most incredible nurses, were like earthly angels.

They immediately calmed me down, dried my tears, made me laugh and reassured me that although

he was sick, he was in very good hands. They did not make false promises that he

would be okay, but they were confident that his breathing difficulties and appearance were consistent

with that of a baby born at 31 weeks. In the NICU, every day a baby was in the

womb was considered vital. On the spectrum of sick versus critically sick, 31 weeks in

the womb was considered fortunate.

I learned so much. I learned about intubation, weak lungs, heart complications, feeding

tubes and how to read an oxygen machine. Every day a new struggle presented itself and my

husband and I had to pray that Wilder would survive. We would vacillate between being terrified

and inconsolable and strong and confident that we would get through it. The first time we left

him at the hospital to go home I was a wreck. I walked down the hall sobbing and saw my new

NICU mommy friend whose baby occupied the incubator next to ours. She opened her arms, we

cried together, and she told me to go home and eat lots of ice cream. So that's what I did.

For the next two months, I had a routine in place and ran on adrenaline. I would

wake up, spend time with Dash, and then go to the hospital to cuddle Wilder all day until late at

night, only going home to sleep. I made NICU mommy friends in the pumping room, where we

laughed, shared our fears and discussed our babies' 'accomplishments.' It was a major day

when one of our babies' feeding or breathing tubes was removed. We were surviving together,

working toward one common goal—our babies being healthy enough to come home.

Wilder's day finally arrived. In mid-March, he felt fresh air for the first time on his little

face. I had dreamed of that day and when it finally came, I was terrified. After surviving the

NICU, would he survive in the world?

My baby is now 19-months-old. He is beautiful and strong but it has not been easy.

He has a weak immune system and is in physical, occupational and speech therapy. He is

thriving, but being born premature means he will need extra help until he is at least three. My

journey as a NICU mommy also didn't end with him coming home. I have suffered anxiety and

post-traumatic stress. I worry constantly about his health and well-being.

I blamed myself for not being able to carry him to full term, even though I logically knew it was not my fault. Fertility is mysterious and complex. Like the majority of mommies I met in the NICU, I had no prior health complications my entire life. Yet I was seemingly fragile when it came to pregnancy, and one of the unlucky ones that randomly had a placental abruption. There was nothing I could have done to change it or stop him from being born early, and I am filled with gratitude daily that he is alive.

September is NICU awareness month and that is why I'm sharing my story. I am the proud

mommy of a small but fierce NICU survivor, and I am a mommy who survived the NICU experience.

I am eternally grateful to the extraordinary team of doctors and nurses in the NICU at

Lenox Hill. Walking out of the hospital with a baby is a gift. Walking out with a NICU baby is a

true miracle.

Wilder today

Azizah Rowen is a California bred New Yorker, mommy, wife, actress, producer and musician. You can follow Azizah on her blog, The Artist Mommy.

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By its very nature, motherhood requires some lifestyle adjustments: Instead of staying up late with friends, you get up early for snuggles with your baby. Instead of spontaneous date nights with your honey, you take afternoon family strolls with your little love. Instead of running out of the house with just your keys and phone, you only leave with a fully loaded diaper bag.

For breastfeeding or pumping mamas, there is an additional layer of consideration around when, how and how much your baby will eat. Thankfully, when it comes to effective solutions for nursing or bottle-feeding your baby, Dr. Brown's puts the considerations of mamas and their babies first with products that help with every step of the process—from comfortably adjusting to nursing your newborn to introducing a bottle to efficiently pumping.

With countless hours spent breastfeeding, pumping and bottle-feeding, the editors at Motherly know the secret to success is having dependable supplies that can help you feed your baby in a way that matches lifestyle.

Here are 9 breastfeeding and pumping products to help you no matter what the day holds.

Customflow™ Double Electric Breast Pump

Dr. Brown's electric pump

For efficient, productive pumping sessions, a double electric breast pump will help you get the job done as quickly as possible. Quiet for nighttime pumping sessions and compact for bringing along to work, this double pump puts you in control with fully adjustable settings.

$159.99

Hands-Free Pumping Bra

Dr. Brown''s hands free pumping bra

Especially in the early days, feeding your baby can feel like a pretty consuming task. A hands-free pumping bra will help you reclaim some of your precious time while pumping—and all mamas will know just how valuable more time can be!

$29.99

Manual Breast Pump with SoftShape™ Silicone Shield

Dr. Brown's manual breast pump

If you live a life that sometimes takes you away from electrical outlets (that's most of us!), then you'll absolutely want a manual breast pump in your arsenal. With two pumping modes to promote efficient milk expression and a comfort-fitted shield, a manual pump is simply the most convenient pump to take along and use. Although it may not get as much glory as an electric pump, we really appreciate how quick and easy this manual pump is to use—and how liberating it is not to stress about finding a power supply.

$29.99

Nipple Shields and Sterilization Case

Dr. Brown's nipple shields

There is a bit of a learning curve to breastfeeding—for both mamas and babies. Thankfully, even if there are some physical challenges (like inverted nipples or a baby's tongue tie) or nursing doesn't click right away, silicone nipple shields can be a huge help. With a convenient carry case that can be sterilized in the microwave, you don't have to worry about germs or bacteria either. 🙌

$9.99

Silicone One-Piece Breast Pump

Dr. Brown's silicone pump

When you are feeding your baby on one breast, the other can still experience milk letdown—which means it's a golden opportunity to save some additional milk. With a silent, hands-free silicone pump, you can easily collect milk while nursing.

$14.99

Breast to Bottle Pump & Store Feeding Set

After a lifetime of nursing from the breast, introducing a bottle can be a bit of a strange experience for babies. Dr. Brown's Options+™ and slow flow bottle nipples were designed with this in mind to make the introduction to bottles smooth and pleasant for parents and babies. As a set that seamlessly works together from pumping to storing milk to bottle feeding, you don't have to stress about having everything you need to keep your baby fed and happy either.

$24.99

Washable Breast Pads

washable breast pads

Mamas' bodies are amazingly made to help breast milk flow when it's in demand—but occasionally also at other times. Especially as your supply is establishing or your breasts are fuller as the length between feeding sessions increase, it's helpful to use washable nursing pads to prevent breast milk from leaking through your bra.

$8.99

Breast Milk Storage Bags

Dr. Brown's milk storage bags

The essential for mamas who do any pumping, breast milk storage bags allow you to easily and safely seal expressed milk in the refrigerator or freezer. Dr. Brown's™ Breast Milk Storage Bags take it even further with extra thick walls that block out scents from other food items and feature an ultra secure lock to prevent leaking.

$7.99


Watch one mama's review of the new Dr. Brown's breastfeeding line here:

This article was sponsored by Dr. Brown's. Thank you for supporting the brands that support Motherly and mamas.

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14 outdoor toys your kids will want to play with beyond summer

They transition seamlessly for indoor play.

With Labor day weekend in the rearview and back-to-school in full swing, most parents are fresh out of boxes to check on their "Fun Concierge" hit list. It's also the point of diminishing returns on investing in summer-only toys. So with that in mind, we've rounded up some of our favorite toys that are not only built to last but will easily make the transition from outdoor to indoor play. Even better, they're Montessori-friendly and largely open-ended so your kids can get a ton of use out of them.

From sunny backyard afternoons to rainy mornings stuck inside, these toys are sure to keep little ones engaged and entertained.

Meadow ring toss game

Plan Toys meadow ring toss game

Besides offering a fantastic opportunity to hone focus, coordination, determination and taking turns, lawn games are just plain fun. Set them up close together for the littles and spread them out when Mom and Dad get in on the action. With their low profile and rope rings, they're great for indoors as well.

$30

Balance board

Plan Toys balance board

Balance boards are a fabulous way to get the wiggles out. This one comes with a rope attachment, making it suitable for even the youngest wigglers. From practicing their balance and building core strength to working on skills that translate to skateboarding and snowboarding, it's a year-round physical activity that's easy to bring inside and use between Zoom classes, too!

$75

Detective set

Plan Toys detective setDetective Set

This set has everything your little detective needs to solve whatever mystery they might encounter: an eye glasses, walkie-talkie, camera, a red lens, a periscope and a bag. Neighborhood watch? Watch out.

$40

Wooden doll stroller

Janod wooden doll strollerWooden Doll Stroller

Take their charges on a stroll around the block with this classic doll stroller. With the same versatility they're used to in their own ride, this heirloom quality carriage allows their doll or stuffy to face them or face the world.

$120

Sand play set

Plan Toys sand set

Whether you're hitting the beach or the backyard sandbox, this adorable wooden sand set is ready for action. Each scoop has an embossed pattern that's perfect for sand stamping. They're also totally suitable for water play in the wild or the bathtub.

$30

Water play set

Plan Toys water play set

Filled with sand or water, this tabletop sized activity set keeps little ones busy, quiet and happy. (A mama's ideal trifecta 😉). It's big enough to satisfy their play needs but not so big it's going to flood your floors if you bring the fun inside on a rainy day.

$100

Mini golf set

Plan Toys mini golf set

Fore! This mini golf set is lawn and living room ready. Set up a backyard competition or incorporate into homeschooling brain breaks that shift focus and build concentration.

$40

Vintage scooter balance bike

Janod retro scooter balance bike

Pedals are so 2010. Balance bikes are the way to go for learning to ride a bike while skipping the training wheels stage altogether. This impossibly cool retro scooter-style is built to cruise the neighborhood or open indoor space as they're learning.

$121

Wooden rocking pegasus

plan toys wooden rocking pegasus

Your little will be ready to take flight on this fun pegasus. It gently rocks back and forth, but doesn't skimp on safety—its winged saddle, footrests and backrest ensure kids won't fall off whether they're rocking inside or outside.

$100

Croquet set

Plan Toys croquet set

The cutest croquet set we've ever seen! With adorable animal face wooden balls and a canvas bag for easy clean up, it's also crafted to stick around awhile. Round after round, it's great for teaching kiddos math and problem-solving skills as well.

$45

Wooden digital camera

fathers factory wooden digital camera

Kids get the chance to assemble the camera on their own then can adventure anywhere to capture the best moments. With two detachable magnetic lenses, four built-in filters and video recorder, your little photographer can tap into their creativity from summertime to the holidays.

$179

Wooden bulldozer toy

plan toys wooden bulldozer toy

Whether they're digging up sand in the backyad or picking up toys inside, kids can get as creative as they want picking up and moving things around. Even better? Its wooden structure means it's not an eye sore to look at wherever your digger drops it.

$100

Pull-along hippo

janod toys pull along hippo toy

There's just something so fun about a classic pull-along toy and we love that they seamlessly transition between indoor and outdoor play. Crafted from solid cherry and beechwood, it's tough enough to endure outdoor spaces your toddler takes it on.

$33

Baby forest fox ride-on

janod toys baby fox ride on

Toddlers will love zooming around on this fox ride-on, and it's a great transition toy into traditional balance bikes. If you take it for a driveway adventure, simply use a damp cloth to wipe down the wheels before bringing back inside.

$88

We independently select and share the products we love—and may receive a commission if you choose to buy. You've got this.

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The American Academy of Pediatrics says that newborns, especially, do not need a bath every day. While parents should make sure the diaper region of a baby is clean, until a baby learns how to crawl around and truly get messy, a daily bath is unnecessary.

So, why do we feel like kids should bathe every day?

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