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Motherhood is: Waiting for my child to fall asleep

During the waiting, time changes shape. I can wait for half an hour and think it's been five minutes, and it happens the other way around too. I always feel like I should be using my time more productively, but I'm afraid to make a sound and I can't focus on anything anyways.

Motherhood is: Waiting for my child to fall asleep

It's the same thing every day.

I'm told that sameness is a comfort for toddlers, and after living with this one, I can believe it. He smiles and laughs as we climb the stairs hand in hand, he brushes his teeth standing on his little red stool (“No no, we don't run with our toothbrushes in our mouths"), and then we read a story.

After the story, he runs, joyous and laughing, into his own room. We hug and he tells me how much he loves his stuffed panda and his blanket, and then I put him in his crib and say, “I love you, have a good nap, I'll see you soon."

Then I walk out and close the door. At that point, every single day, he cries.

Will the child sleep?

It's the question on my mind each and every day. There are no breaks from the question, and there are no breaks from the impossible waiting. The pattern, the sameness of every single day, is less comforting for me than it is for him.

I sit on the couch, and I wait. I listen to his sweet baby babble. I listen to him singing songs to his panda. I wait, I listen, and I wonder.

Will the child sleep?

Often it goes quiet, and I breathe a sigh of relief, and wonder how much time I have. Often, the sounds get louder, and I breathe a very different kind of sigh and drag my tired self back up the stairs to say, "Seems like you're having some trouble, huh?"

I remind myself that he's tired, he needs the nap, and it must be more frustrating for him than it is for me. I remind myself of lots of things. When you're a parent, and you're waiting (always waiting), you fill your brain with a thousand platitudes.

It used to be different. A few short months ago, he still wanted to breastfeed, and nursing was emphatically the only way he would fall asleep. So there he would be, a giant baby cradled in my arms, and I would be there too, waiting.

In those days it was both easier and harder: I had a ready way to calm him and ease him into sleep and I never had to close the door on him, but I also lived with the constant knowledge that a poorly-timed sneeze would wreck any chance of a daytime nap, ruining both of our days.

Those days, the waiting was unbearably, achingly quiet. These days the waiting is filled with sounds that my ears zoom in on, sounds I am obsessed with. I listen to him singing, whining, and just breathing. I listen as hard as I can, trying to decode the sounds. I try to picture him in his crib in a restful position, as though this will somehow help.

During the waiting, time changes shape. I can wait for half an hour and think it's been five minutes, and it happens the other way around too. I always feel like I should be using my time more productively, but I'm afraid to make a sound and I can't focus on anything anyways. My brain is elsewhere, every part of me consumed in the question:

Will the child sleep?

There is so much waiting.

Once, I was waiting for it to be time to try to make a baby. I didn't want to wait, I wanted to rush headfirst into parenting like a cannonball into the clouds, but it wasn't the right way. For one thing, I'm gay, so there were months of prep. We met with the sperm donor, we set a date, we drew up a contract, and we waited.

Then I waited for those magical fertile days to arrive. I put stickers on my fertility charts, waiting to find out whether or not conception had occurred, waiting for the nausea to subside (it did not), and then, of course, waiting for labor to start.

I had thought that I was waiting to become a mother, and that once I arrived at that coveted status – motherhood – I would feel, well, arrived. Maybe I do feel that way, some days, but mostly I feel like I'm constantly in limbo. Mostly I feel that parenting is, by definition, a kind of waiting. We, the parents of the world, are all holding our collective breaths together.

Will the child sleep?

We wait for milestones. Once he's this age, I'll be able to do that thing I want to do. Once he can talk, I'll finally stop worrying about his development. Once he can sleep through the night, we'll have sex again. Once he's school-aged…and on and on.

I wait for my wife to come home. I wait for organized activities that might give structure to the totally structureless amoeba that is life with a toddler. I confess that sometimes when I'm outside with him, I watch the clock like a hawk, waiting for it to be a reasonable time to return to the simpler world of our living room.

We are waiting, waiting, waiting. I have given my life over to this strange stretch, the push and pull on time itself, the sensation of the constantly-baited breath.

Will the child sleep?

Today, it's almost certain that he will not, so I am taking a deep breath and trying to prepare myself to climb those stairs again. The day will go on and, soon enough, it will be time to wait for bedtime.

12 outdoor toys your kids will want to play with beyond summer

They transition seamlessly for indoor play.

Without camps and back-to-school plans still TBD, the cries of "I'm bored!" seem to be ringing louder than ever this summer. And if you're anything like me, by August, I'm fresh out of boxes to check on my "Fun Concierge" hit list. It's also the point of diminishing returns on investing in summer-only toys.

With that in mind, we've rounded up some of our favorite wooden toys that are not only built to last but will easily make the transition from outdoor to indoor play.

From sunny backyard afternoons to rainy mornings stuck inside, these toys are sure to keep little ones engaged and entertained.

Meadow ring toss game

Plan Toys meadow ring toss game

Besides offering a fantastic opportunity to hone focus, coordination, determination and taking turns, lawn games are just plain fun. Set them up close together for the littles and spread them out when Mom and Dad get in on the action. With their low profile and rope rings, they're great for indoors as well.

$30

Balance board

Plan Toys balance board

Balance boards are a fabulous way to get the wiggles out. This one comes with a rope attachment, making it suitable for even the youngest wigglers. From practicing their balance and building core strength to working on skills that translate to skateboarding and snowboarding, it's a year-round physical activity that's easy to bring inside and use between Zoom classes, too!

$75

Sand play set

Plan Toys sand set

Whether you're hitting the beach or the backyard sandbox, this adorable wooden sand set is ready for action. Each scoop has an embossed pattern that's perfect for sand stamping. They're also totally suitable for water play in the wild or the bathtub.

$30

Water play set

Plan Toys water play set

Filled with sand or water, this tabletop sized activity set keeps little ones busy, quiet and happy. (A mama's ideal trifecta 😉). It's big enough to satisfy their play needs but not so big it's going to flood your floors if you bring the fun inside on a rainy day.

$100

Mini golf set

Plan Toys mini golf set

Fore! This mini golf set is lawn and living room ready. Set up a backyard competition or incorporate into homeschooling brain breaks that shift focus and build concentration.

$40

Vintage scooter balance bike

Janod retro scooter balance bike

Pedals are so 2010. Balance bikes are the way to go for learning to ride a bike while skipping the training wheels stage altogether. This impossibly cool retro scooter-style is built to cruise the neighborhood or open indoor space as they're learning.

$121

Wooden rocking pegasus

plan toys wooden rocking pegasus

Your little will be ready to take flight on this fun pegasus. It gently rocks back and forth, but doesn't skimp on safety—its winged saddle, footrests and backrest ensure kids won't fall off whether they're rocking inside or outside.

$100

Croquet set

Plan Toys croquet set

The cutest croquet set we've ever seen! With adorable animal face wooden balls and a canvas bag for easy clean up, it's also crafted to stick around awhile. Round after round, it's great for teaching kiddos math and problem-solving skills as well.

$45

Wooden digital camera

fathers factory wooden digital camera

Kids get the chance to assemble the camera on their own then can adventure anywhere to capture the best moments. With two detachable magnetic lenses, four built-in filters and video recorder, your little photographer can tap into their creativity from summertime to the holidays.

$189

Wooden bulldozer toy

plan toys wooden bulldozer toy

Whether they're digging up sand in the backyad or picking up toys inside, kids can get as creative as they want picking up and moving things around. Even better? Its wooden structure means it's not an eye sore to look at wherever your digger drops it.

$100

Pull-along hippo

janod toys pull along hippo toy

There's just something so fun about a classic pull-along toy and we love that they seamlessly transition between indoor and outdoor play. Crafted from solid cherry and beechwood, it's tough enough to endure outdoor spaces your toddler takes it on.

$33

Baby forest fox ride-on

janod toys baby fox ride on

Toddlers will love zooming around on this fox ride-on, and it's a great transition toy into traditional balance bikes. If you take it for a driveway adventure, simply use a damp cloth to wipe down the wheels before bringing back inside.

$88

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Products that solve your biggest breastfeeding challenges

Including a battle plan for clogged ducts!

When expecting a baby, there is a lot you can test-run in advance: Take that stroller around the block. Go for a spin with the car seat secured in place. Learn how to use the baby carrier with help from a doll. But breastfeeding? It's not exactly possible to practice before baby's arrival.

The absence of a trial makes it all the more important to prepare in other ways for breastfeeding success—and it can be as simple as adding a few of our lactation aiding favorites to your registry.

MilkBliss chocolate chip soft baked lactation cookies

MilkBliss lactation cookies

Studies have shown the top reason women stop breastfeeding within the first year is because they are concerned about their milk supply being enough to nourish baby. Consider MilkBliss Lactation Cookies to be your secret weapon. Not only are they wholesome and delicious, but they were formulated specifically for breastfeeding moms based on the science of galactagogues—also known as milk boosters. They also come in peanut butter and wild blueberry flavors.

$23

Evereden multi-purpose healing balm

Evereden multipurpose healing balm

Also up there on the list of reasons women stop breastfeeding: the toll the early days can take on nipples. Made from just five ingredients, this all natural healing balm is ideal for soothing chafed nipples, making for a much more comfortable experience for mama as her body adjusts to the needs of a breastfeeding baby.

$20

Lansinoh milk storage bags

Lansinoh milk storage bags

For a breastfeeding mama, there are few things more precious and valuable than the milk she worked so hard to pump—and it's the stuff of nightmares to imagine it spilling out in the fridge. With these double-sealed milk storage bags, you can be assured your breastmilk is safe and sound until baby needs it.

$12.50

Belly Bandit bandita nursing bra

Belly Bandit bandita nursing bra

Nursing a baby is a 24/7 job, which calls for some wardrobe modifications. Because Belly Bandit specializes in making things more comfortable for the postpartum mama, they've truly thought of every detail—from the breathable fabric to the clips that can be easily opened with one hand.

$47

boob-ease soothing therapy pillows

Boob Ease soothing therapy pillows

For nursing moms, duct can quickly become a four-letter word when you suspect it's getting clogged. By keeping these soothing breast pillows in your breastfeeding arsenal, you can immediately go on the defense against plugged milk ducts by heating the pads in the microwave or cooling them in the freezer.

$25

Belly Bandit perfect nursing tee

Belly Bandit perfect nursing tee

A unfortunate reality of nursing is that it can really seem to limit the wardrobe options when you have to think about providing easy, discrete access. But by adding functional basics to your closet, you can feel confident and prepared for breastfeeding on the go.

$59

Bebe au Lait premium cotton nursing cover

Bebe au Lait cotton nursing cover

Nursing in public isn't every mama's cup of tea. But babies can't always wait until you've found a private place to get down to business if that's your preference. That's where a nursing cover comes in handy. This one is made from premium cotton and features a patented neckline that allows for airflow and eye contact even while you're covered.

$36

Lactation Lab basic breastmilk testing kit

Lactation Lab breastmilk testing kit

Curious to learn more about the liquid gold you're making, mama? The testing kit from Lactation Labs analyzes your breast milk for basic nutritional content like calories and protein, as well as vitamins, fatty acids and environmental toxins to help boost your breastfeeding confidence.

$99

We independently select and share the products we love—and may receive a commission if you choose to buy. You've got this

Shop

In Montessori schools, parents are periodically invited to observe their children at work in the classroom. I have heard many parents express shock to see their 3- or 4-year-old putting away their own work when they finish—without even being asked!

"You should see his room at home!" or, "I ask him to put his toys away every day, and it's a battle every single time" were frequent comments.

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