One dad opened up about the fatherhood mental load—and the internet had a lot to say

When dad and podcast guest Nick Mulenos started talking about the “father mental load,” it wasn’t supposed to go TikTok viral. But a clip from the Haven! podcast—where he and host Haven Weits unpacked the pressures fathers often carry—sparked heated commentary after it was posted.

With over 56,000 views, some viewers said the conversation offered a refreshing glimpse into how men carry unseen stress. Others argued it sidestepped the real issue: women have been naming and managing the mental load for decades—and they’re still waiting for tangible support.

So what happens when both parents feel unseen?

@haventhepodcast

What is the mental load of dads?

♬ original sound – Haven! Podcast

Related: Mom of four explains why some men aren’t prepared for modern fatherhood in viral video

The core tension: two mental loads, one shared life

In the original clip, Mulenos described the pressure many men feel to be stoic and self-sufficient. “There’s also an expectation among men that we handle our own stuff and we handle our own problems,” he said.

That comment resonated with some. @Roberto wrote, “As a man & provider, I live with the constant fear that I am one mistake or one event away from my family being homeless, hungry, and afraid.”

But others pushed back. “Anddddd how many of those things does the wife need to remind/ask him to do on a weekly basis 🙄” @🌹 replied, pointing out that many women juggle careers and the bulk of daily domestic responsibilities.

Even Haven’s husband, Aaron Weits, said his version of the mental load looks different. He’s often thinking about “big-picture” concerns—how to keep the family financially stable, where the kids will go to school, how to stay safe in their Los Angeles neighborhood.

“It can be less tangible and sometimes because of that, it’s harder to talk about,” he said. “It’s just a natural expression as a dad.”

That distinction—day-to-day logistics vs. long-term planning—is one that many couples may relate to. But for moms who carry the relentless cadence of daily tasks, it can feel like their load gets minimized or misunderstood.

What experts say about the modern parenting dynamic

According to USA Today, Dr. Mill Brown, chief medical officer at Spring Health, the emotional labor that both partners carry deserves more attention. He notes that today’s dads are more involved than ever, but they’re still navigating societal messages that discourage vulnerability.

“Just because dads don’t show their emotions as much as moms, doesn’t mean that their feelings and stress do not exist in their family,” Brown said.

But here’s the challenge: expressing that stress without erasing what moms are already carrying.

“If they’re bringing up ‘Hey, I need help with what I’m carrying,’ and your response is ‘Look at what I’m carrying,’ that can be invalidating,” Mulenos acknowledged.

Mental health professionals suggest couples build rituals for communication—shared calendars, weekly check-ins, and regular time to reconnect without kids in tow. These are small tools that help couples stay aligned on their shared goals—and their unseen burdens.

Why this conversation matters now

The truth is, no one wins when we frame parental stress as a competition. As more moms work outside the home, and as more dads try to show up differently than the generations before them, the mental load is shifting—and so are the stories we tell about it.

One thing hasn’t changed: parenting is still hard. The difference is that we now have more language—and more opportunities—to name the load before it breaks us.

Mulenos hopes dads don’t stay silent. “I want them to be transparent with their feelings,” he said. “But I just want it to be seen as we’re carrying our family forward.”

Related: I’m defined by fatherhood right now—and it’s been a huge adjustment

The bottom line

There’s room in this conversation for both moms and dads, especially if we shift from comparison to compassion. The mental load varies from home to home, but one truth holds: when both parents feel truly seen—by each other and by society—families are stronger for it.

Let’s keep talking, and listening.