The silent grief of infertility

Infertility is

A void

An incompleteness

A feeling of failure

An incomplete family

Tears, so many tears

Living your life in two week increments

Buying the house with an extra bedroom, just in case

Peeing in cups and on sticks. So much pee. So many sticks

Squinting for that line. There’s never a line. 

Doctors. Medical tests. Medical bills. Insurance fights. 

Hoping that pimple is because of pregnancy hormones

Praying that your hormones are a mess because you’re pregnant – and not because you’re about to get your period

Being thrilled when your friends and family are pregnant; but crumbling inside

Pills and shots, sometimes. A lot of times

Being sad. So sad. Even though what you really have is so much love that is saved up for a little human. 

“Does your son want a sibling?”

“When are you going to start your family?”

Redefining your understanding of family

Feeling bad that you want more than what you have

If you have a child, not wanting them to think they aren’t enough. They are. But, you have this love to give

Saving nursery ideas, just in case

That glass or two or three of wine after a negative test

So many negative tests

Wondering if your dreams have an expiration date

Names that go unused

Hand me downs that never get handed down

Why is this silent?

A version of this post was published February 22, 2023. It has been updated.