Words of encouragement when IVF doesn’t work—from someone who is there, too

My husband and I have been struggling with infertility since 2012. We kept our situation private for so long—only our families and close friends understood what exactly was happening. In the beginning of trying to conceive, I feel like your feelings are too fresh.

I can’t even count the times someone would ask us when we were going to have kids, and I just brushed it aside with a generic response: “Oh, you never know” or “We will see!’

When really deep down, I would go home and just be so frustrated, sad, mad, sad again. We had tried everything. Clomid. Femara. NOTHING had been successful. After endless rounds of testing, blood samples, medications, more testing… I was told that I had PCOS and hormone imbalances. We were informed that we had a less than 1% chance of ever getting pregnant on our own and maintaining a pregnancy to full term wouldn’t be a possibility without medical intervention. I was devastated.

We took a break and decided to wait a while. Having a child in our life didn’t define our relationship. In fact, we looked around and saw how lucky we were to have such a wonderful life. After going through what we had experienced already, we felt that the right option would present itself in the future.

Enter IVF.

My husband, Jarrick, and I knew that this would be our best—and quite honestly—only option. IVF is such a weird thing. For so many people, it’s this dramatic final “last chance.” For others, it is an amazing way to plan your children.  For us, we were just excited. After all these years we had finally found this golden pot of options at the end of the faintest rainbow. We researched where we wanted to go and instantly felt this strange connection with our doctor. I can’t say enough amazing things about her: She was so helpful. She reassured us we weren’t crazy after so many doctors before seemed to not care. She cared. She still cares so much.

Being the planning couple we are, we wanted to ensure we did everything possible for this little embryo to be successful. We had some ups and downs during this process. A softball sized fibroid was removed from my body in October 2016 before we could even consider starting IVF. This set us back a few months and honestly was such hard news to accept when we found out. During this time, all I could think was, “At least I’ll have a baby by the end of 2017. The wait was going to be worth it! I was going to be pregnant.”

The entire IVF process was new and exciting. Who would have thought I would anticipate poking myself in the stomach and hips with needles? Soon, this seven-month IVF process would all be a blip in time and we would know in March if we were going to have a baby.

We did the shots.
We had the retrieval.
We did the genetic testing.
We discovered out of six fertilized blastocysts, two were viable.
We implanted out little boy blastocyst.
We waited.
We were patient.
We were so hopeful.
We were going to have a baby.

Then life had a different plan.

At 5 p.m. on March 13, 2017, I got the call: “I’m so sorry Michelle, you did not have any HCG present in your blood test, you are not pregnant.”

To say I was shocked wouldn’t be true. I remember the nurse saying, “I’m so sorry Michelle. Please let Jarrick know we are so sorry.” But I mostly remember that I sobbed. I don’t know if I have ever felt physical pain from words. I did then. I cinched my stomach, curled up and cried.

It just didn’t work.

I had kept a personal journal of my IVF experience. I hadn’t even shared it with Jarrick. I couldn’t wait to announce “I’m pregnant” and have this journey all drafted out on paper. A physical representation of my path to motherhood. My child would read it one day and think how special they were that this was how they came into this world. All of those words are so painful to read now, I can’t even look at it. I’m sure one day I’ll be really glad I have some of my feelings written out, but right now those emotions are so raw.

How does this happen? How? We had done everything right.

It was a boy. I was supposed to be pregnant.

I was going to grow this little boy. He was going to have blonde hair and blue eyes. I was going to let his hair grow out. We were going to make homemade play dough and build sculptures. Our holidays would be filled with new traditions and love. We would have this little soul in our home that I had envisioned myself always having. He was going to be my baby. I just knew it.

We didn’t take any home pregnancy tests during those long 10 days before our blood test.

I didn’t drink a drop of caffeine.

I avoided deli meat and sushi. I obsessively read every article on “What to do to make your embryo stick.”

I had a morning and nightly ritual of shots, pills, suppositories.

All in hopes that this little embryo would stay.

How could it not work?

For myself, I have struggled with the feelings of not understanding the why.  When you follow steps to the exact word, how do things not work out?  The last week following the news felt like a blur. We had so many wonderful people in our lives reach out to us and made us feel SO loved. I had never really understood how loved we were, and how many people were rooting for this little babe to stick. We are so blessed.  At our doctor appointment I discovered I wouldn’t be getting any definite answers. I wanted my doctor to tell me so badly that if we made a simple change it was going to work. Instead, we found out that we just happened to be part of that 30%. The group that IVF just doesn’t work for even when things look perfect.

We had decided that this bump in the road was not going to stop us from being hopeful, excited and optimistic. We couldn’t let this loss define us. We had determined that if there was a specific reason our transfer didn’t work, and if there was an immediate change that we could make, then at that point we would implant our last embryo. If there was no reason it didn’t work, we didn’t want to put all the pressure on that single embryo we had left. It felt like too much—like we were betting on this one to work—and if it didn’t we would be back to square one.

We have decided to start again.  Step 1. Retrieve some eggs. Fertilize those bad boys. Try again.

Sometimes things don’t make sense and today we are just trying to figure out how to deal with that. We are excited. We are optimistic.  We are so blessed.

The rollercoaster of emotions after a failed IVF attempt is a journey marked with hope, anticipation, and sometimes, heartbreak. It’s a path that many couples face, each with their unique story of striving for a family. Amidst the challenge, finding the right words of comfort and encouragement can be a beacon of support for those enduring this struggle.

When an IVF cycle doesn’t result in pregnancy, the disappointment can be overwhelming. It’s a time when words of encouragement and understanding are most needed. If you’re looking to support someone through this, remember, sometimes the most powerful thing you can say is, “I’m here for you, no matter what.” Acknowledge their pain without trying to fix it, and offer your presence as a source of comfort.

Understanding that the journey to parenthood is deeply personal and varied for each individual or couple is crucial. It’s essential to respect their process of healing and decision-making about future steps. Whether they choose to embark on another round of IVF, explore other paths to parenthood, or take a break to heal, your unwavering support and encouragement can make all the difference.

In moments of sorrow, gentle reminders of the couple’s strength and resilience can be uplifting. Phrases like, “Your strength inspires me,” or “Your journey isn’t over,” can help reignite hope. Encouraging them to take care of themselves and to lean on their support system can also be beneficial.

The power of shared experiences cannot be underestimated. If you’ve gone through a similar struggle, sharing your story might offer some comfort. Knowing they’re not alone in their journey can provide a sense of solidarity and understanding.

Finally, it’s okay to admit when you don’t know what to say. Being honest and simply stating, “I may not know exactly the right words, but I want you to know how much I care about you,” can be profoundly comforting. Your sincerity and concern can be a source of solace during a challenging time.

For those experiencing the pain of a failed IVF, remember, it’s okay to grieve, to feel a wide range of emotions, and to take the time you need to heal. Surrounding yourself with a supportive community, seeking professional help if needed, and allowing yourself moments of joy amidst the sorrow are all steps on the path to healing. Your journey is unique, and your resilience shines through with each step you take forward, no matter how small.

FAQ: Navigating After a Failed IVF Attempt

What should I do immediately after a failed IVF attempt?

It’s essential to allow yourself time to grieve and process the emotions associated with a failed IVF. Reach out to your support network, consider speaking with a counselor or therapist specializing in fertility issues, and discuss the next steps with your fertility specialist when you’re ready.

How can I support my partner after a failed IVF?

Keep the lines of communication open, listen to their feelings without judgment, and encourage them to share their thoughts and emotions. Engage in activities that bring comfort and joy to both of you, and consider attending support groups or counseling together.

Is it normal to feel a wide range of emotions after failed IVF?

Absolutely. It’s common to experience sadness, anger, frustration, and even relief. Each person’s emotional response is unique, and all feelings are valid. Give yourself permission to feel and express these emotions.

What words of encouragement can I offer to someone who has experienced a failed IVF?

Simple, heartfelt messages like “I’m here for you,” “Your feelings are valid,” and “You’re not alone in this” can be very comforting. Acknowledge their strength and remind them of their resilience.

How long should we wait before trying another round of IVF?

This varies for each individual or couple and depends on several factors, including emotional readiness, physical health, and financial considerations. It’s important to have an open discussion with your fertility specialist to determine the best timeline for you.

Are there any alternatives to consider after a failed IVF attempt?

Yes, there are several paths to parenthood to consider, including additional IVF attempts, using donor eggs or sperm, surrogacy, and adoption. A fertility specialist can provide detailed information about each option.

How can we manage the financial strain of multiple IVF attempts?

Explore all financial options, including insurance coverage, fertility clinic payment plans, loans, grants, and fundraising. Financial counselors specializing in fertility treatments can offer guidance and support in navigating these options.

Can lifestyle changes impact the success of future IVF attempts?

While lifestyle factors like diet, exercise, and stress management can influence overall health, they’re just one piece of the puzzle. Discuss any potential changes with your fertility specialist to determine what might be beneficial for you.

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