Dear kids, when you grow up…

There will be hard and terrible days, but there will also be wild and wonderful days full of more joy than you ever thought possible.

One of those days for me was the day I had you, my love. There’s no greater honor or joy in my life than the one of being your mom.

You will make mistakes: We all do. Chances are you will make lots and lots of them. Sometimes you will fail miserably and terribly and in that moment you will wonder if you failed or if you are a failure.

My dear kids, please remember this: you will fail; you are never a failure.

Money might be tight: You will make it. My bank account has been on empty and I’ve gotten notifications of overdraft fees. That feeling falls like a rock in the pit of my stomach. It’s sickening and scary and feels out of control. I’ve dug to the very back of the freezer and been grateful to find one lone chicken thigh to serve with rice.

Those days are hard. They’re hard and unnerving, but baby you will make it. You will discover that there are more important things than money and you can do hard things. No matter how broke you are you can laugh; you can hold the ones you love tight; and you can strategize and dream… because believe me, it won’t always be like this.

Sometimes you will be your worst self: Everyone has days like that. Some days I have been angry. I have yelled when I should have been soft and kind. I’ve lost my temper and then felt shame cover me like a too-hot and scratchy blanket. I’ve wanted to hide because I didn’t think I’d ever be able to be the woman I’m meant to be. On days like this you will find that humility and an apology go a long way.

The bad days don’t define you, and they never will. You will rise from the pit; you will shake off that scratchy blanket; and you will find you are enough. You’re enough, not because you’re perfect, but because you’re enough exactly how you are.

You will be misunderstood: Your heart will heal. I’ve had days when I thought I was doing the right thing, but the right thing made other people angry and hurt. I still don’t know if I made all good calls, I probably didn’t, but I was doing my best. Sometimes you’ll be accused of things that stab the core of who you are. These times will be so so painful. Ask the people who know you and love you to hold you up during these seasons and to remind you of who you are. You will make it out the other side I promise.

You will doubt yourself: That’s normal and it’s okay. I have had days when I felt like a little girl playing house. You will have those days too. Courage isn’t feeling brave my love, it’s feeling fear and putting one step in front of the other anyway.*

You will have days where you fall apart : It won’t stay that way. It is okay to fall apart; this isn’t your forever. I have drowned in anxiety and your dad has too. Just remember that everything is temporary and the sun will shine again. Reach out even if you feel frozen in whatever it is that you feel. The first step to getting better is speaking out.

I have questioned myself every day of raising you: Every single day. I don’t know how much I’ve gotten wrong and how much I’ve gotten right. My prayer is that in spite of my mistakes you will know you are loved and you will grow strong into who you are. If there’s ever a day when you realize that a thing I did or said wounded you, please tell me so I can make it right.

I love you with my whole heart and I’m cheering for you every step of the way.

Love,

Mama