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Not knowing I had PPA made me feel like I was failing as a mom

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From the beginning, I loved being pregnant and enjoyed every change that came with growing a baby inside my body. But all that changed the day I gave birth to my son. His arrival was completely unexpected. Sure, I was 37 weeks and knew that at any point he could come into our world, but I wasn't prepared for the way he did.

We went in for an ultrasound to see if he was still breech. He was stubborn from the beginning and refused to turn around for us, so we had weekly checks to see if we would need to schedule a C-section. We were so convinced that everything was fine that we showed up to that appointment without any hospital bags. In fact, I hadn't even showered and my husband was planning to go to work after.

Turns out I had almost no fluid, which prompted my midwife to look at me with her blue eyes as big as I ever saw them and say, "This baby needs to come out immediately!" Cue the panic.

I was sobbing realizing that I wouldn't have the unmedicated vaginal birth I had been dreaming of. My husband was running around making calls to our family, and our doula was not even in the hospital with us.


My anxiety was at an all-time high—or so I thought.

He was born that same day in the afternoon without major complications. I managed to convince the attending OB to let us do immediate skin-to-skin so I was able to keep my fresh out of the womb baby on my chest as they closed me up after surgery. I was feeling good because, after all, I was able to have the bonding moment I wanted to experience at birth.

He was a super easy baby at first, the nurses even commented on how chill he was when he had to get weighed or have his ears tested compared to the rest of the babies born that day. I think it helped a lot that he was super adorable.

We were discharged with a healthy boy, but I started to realize something was off with me. But the numbness from major surgery and exhaustion from the sleepless nights made me assume this feeling was just part of being a new mother.

As the days went by, new struggles popped up left and right. Our son was struggling at breastfeeding and was not gaining weight fast enough, but I was determined to make it work which meant I was running on no sleep.

"Sleep when the baby sleeps," my mom friends told me, and every time I tried I just laid there thinking, "He's going to wake up to eat soon, I need to close my eyes, what is that noise he's making? Is he breathing? Now it's too late for me to sleep."

When evening approached, I started having panic attacks because I knew it meant another sleepless night. At one point I even considered calling the hospital to see if they would admit us so we could all get some sleep.

But here's the thing: I didn't feel depressed or sad. I didn't have dark thoughts that haunted me. I had nothing of what I thought were obvious signs of postpartum depression or anxiety.

So for weeks I just kept pushing until I almost broke down. I texted my husband a photo of me sobbing while holding our 6-week-old with the announcement that I was hiring a night doula because I needed at least one night of sleep.

He later confessed that that was the saddest photo he has ever seen and to this day it breaks his heart to know I was feeling that way.

One night of full sleep gave me enough confidence to stop breastfeeding and start pumping. Our son started gaining weight and slept more consistent hours. Soon enough things were falling into place and I was beginning to feel better.

But every time something happened and life got messy for a second—even the most insignificant thing—I started feeling the panic in my chest rise up.

At six months postpartum, I weaned myself off the pump and slowly started to feel like myself again, like a veil was lifted off my face and I was back to being me, except it was me and this little dude together forever. I started doing research and asking my midwife and doula friends why I was feeling the way I was and what had happened to me during those first months.

I had passed all of my postpartum screenings with flying colors, yet I didn't feel like myself at all. That's when I realized what I had gone through, that dark cloud that was following me everywhere that I couldn't verbally explain to anyone was postpartum anxiety.

Looking back, I wish I had spoken up for myself and done more to feel better, because in those initial months I constantly felt like a failure. For not being able to breastfeed, or sleep, or bond more with my newborn, or, honestly, enjoy the newborn stage at all.

I wish I would've done things differently so I wouldn't have pushed myself to the point I did. But being able to call it by its name makes me feel stronger than I ever have before.

Talking about it openly has also made me feel less guilty about how I felt and acted, how I spent hours Googling the worst case scenarios, how I convinced myself that I was never going to be a good mom or how I wanted my husband's help in every little thing that involved the baby because I was sure I was going to mess it up.

So if you're struggling with postpartum anxiety, know you're not alone, mama, and remember that having it does not make you a bad mom. Reach out to the support around you to get what you need to go back to feeling like yourself, even if your medical check-ins are "fine."

As for me, now when life gets chaotic and messy, as it usually does with a toddler, I embrace it instead of allowing it to paralyze me—after all, it's not going to be like this forever. Now when I have a bad day, I text my mom friends for support, I speak openly to my husband about the feelings I'm having, but more importantly I speak candidly about it on social media because I've learned that so many feel the same way I did and being able to read other stories and tips makes me feel less alone. Plus, if I can help anyone not feel the way I felt, my day is made.

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If there's one thing you learn as a new mama, it's that routine is your friend. Routine keeps your world spinning, even when you're trucking along on less than four hours of sleep. Routine fends off tantrums by making sure bellies are always full and errands aren't run when everyone's patience is wearing thin. And routine means naps are taken when they're supposed to, helping everyone get through the day with needed breaks.

The only problem? Life doesn't always go perfectly with the routine. When my daughter was born, I realized quickly that, while her naps were the key to a successful (and nearly tear-free!) day, living my life according to her nap schedule wasn't always possible. There were groceries to fetch, dry cleaning to pick up, and―if I wanted to maintain any kind of social life―lunch dates with friends to enjoy.

Which is why the Ergobaby Metro Compact City Stroller was such a life-saver. While I loved that it was just 14 pounds (perfect for hoisting up the stairs to the subway or in the park) and folds down small enough to fit in an airplane overhead compartment (you know, when I'm brave enough to travel again!), the real genius of this pint-sized powerhouse is that it doesn't skimp on comfort.

Nearly every surface your baby touches is padded with plush cushions to provide side and lumbar support to everything from their sweet head to their tiny tush―it has 40% more padding than other compact strollers. When nap time rolls around, I could simply switch the seat to its reclined position with an adjustable leg rest to create an instant cozy nest for my little one.

There's even a large UV 50 sun canopy to throw a little shade on those sleepy eyes. And my baby wasn't the only one benefiting from the comfortable design― the Metro is the only stroller certified "back healthy" by the AGR of Germany, meaning mamas get a much-needed break too.

I also appreciate how the Metro fits comfortably into my life. The sleek profile fits through narrow store aisles as easily as it slides up to a table when I'm able to meet a pal for brunch. Plus, the spring suspension means the tires absorb any bumps along our way―helping baby stay asleep no matter where life takes us. When it's time to take my daughter out, it folds easily with one hand and has an ergonomic carry handle to travel anywhere we want to go.

Life will probably never be as predictable as I'd like, but at least with our Metro stroller, I know my child will be cradled with care no matter what crosses our path.

This article is sponsored by Ergobaby. Thank you for supporting the brands that support Motherly and mamas.


The phrase "women can have it all" has always left a sour taste in my mouth. Sure, our options for fulfillment extend beyond the home. But between wage gaps, the astronomical cost of childcare, student loans and ever-rising living costs coupled with shrinking wages, can we have it all?

Some women know their calling is at home with their babies and they make it work. They budget like it's an Olympic sport and find resourceful ways to save money. Many women are single mothers and are the sole earners in their homes. Every household has different needs and we absolutely deserve to choose whatever best fits our lifestyle.

Whatever that fit may be, it never encompasses "all."

I knew from a young age that I loved babies and wanted a family of my own, but that vision always included me working. Maybe it was the 90's TV boom of Ally McBeal and Detective Olivia Benson but I knew I wanted a career. I wanted a purpose that contributed to the world outside of my home. I knew I wanted a degree or two, maybe three. The fact that I made up my mind so early and never wavered, made me sure that "mom guilt" was something that other women felt; women who maybe felt the pull to be home but other circumstances were in their way.


Mom guilt wouldn't hit me, I'd be immune, I thought.

Fast forward to the first month I went back to work from maternity leave. I ugly cried on my way into the office so frequently that I kept makeup in my car so I could fix it before going inside.

I'd dive headfirst into work until I had to pause to pump. Work, pump, work, pump, shove in some lunch at my desk at some point and sprint out the door to get my baby. I was productive but distracted. When I was at work, I wanted to be home. When I was home, I thought about the possible mistakes I had made at work.

I was in a job that was full of stress, last minute late nights, terrible pay and no appreciation. But from the standpoint of working and having a family, I had both. I had it "all."

Some days, I felt as though I was maybe just ungrateful for all the responsibilities I had to juggle. I blamed my attitude.

Facing my unhappiness at work and the baggage I brought home to my daughter and husband weighed on me. Then, six months postpartum, I lost my dad. I packed up that baby and flew home to say goodbye.

At the visitation, his colleagues shared many memorable stories, but the ones that kept coming up were his dedication to his wife and six children. They were memories of my sisters and I hanging out in his office, coloring while our mom worked. In fact, one of my masterpieces, a mosaic Great Dane, still hangs in my dad's old office window on Court Street because the owner of the building watched us grow up and didn't have the heart to take it down when he retired.

Dad was an attorney who nearly always made it home by 5:30, something unheard of in the world of owning your own practice. He didn't live to work; he worked to live.

I realized that when I leave this world, I don't want anyone to tell my children stories about how hard I worked. I wanted them to tell my children stories about how much I loved them and that they always came first. I had to make a change.

The right doors opened in the next month and I eagerly took on an entire career change (not something I necessarily recommend with a 7-month-old, but we made it work). I closed the doors of childhood ambitions that didn't match with the type of mother I wanted to be. It wasn't sad, it was liberating.

My new job included work from home days and a team of women, mostly moms, who value hard work and success but prioritize family and their roles as mothers. That attitude starts at the top of the company and trickles down. It was a breath of fresh air after seven months of feeling like I was suffocating.

Despite these life changes, I still don't have it "all." What I do have is realistic expectations for what I can accomplish in a day.

I have a house that looks like it's been ransacked Monday through Friday. I have a sink full of dishes.

I have a car littered with smashed cheddar frogs and peanut butter smears. I have a bedroom containing endless laundry baskets of clean clothes that get folded and put away maybe once a month.

I have a supportive partner whom I madly love and helps me rage clean all of the above when we can't take it anymore. I have a happy, healthy daughter who couldn't care less about dishes, laundry and dog hairballs.

I have a job that contributes to the betterment of humanity and a team who makes office days a joy.

I have women in my ear sharing their disdain for me working out of the home, but I also have women in my ear championing me as a mother, wife, homemaker, and career woman.

Maybe the answer to finding that peace was leaving a toxic job. Or maybe it was found in losing my dad and having my daughter in the same six months. Perhaps it was the priority shift that followed those changes. It could have been extending the same grace to myself that I so willingly give to those I love. Whatever it was, I'm grateful to have found it so I can enjoy living in our good old days, today. I don't have it all, but I really love everything I have.

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It's been more than a year since Khloé Kardashian welcomed her daughter True Thompson into the world, and like a lot of new moms, Khloé didn't just learn how to to be a mom this year, she also learned how to co-parent with someone who is no longer her partner. According to the Pew Research Center, co-parenting and the likelihood that a child will spend part of their childhood living with just one parent is on the rise.

There was a ton of media attention on Khloé's relationship with True's father Tristan Thompson in her early days of motherhood, and in a new interview on the podcast "Divorce Sucks!," Khloé explained that co-parenting with someone you have a complicated relationship with isn't always easy, but when she looks at True she knows it's worth it.

"For me, Tristan and I broke up not too long ago so it's really raw," Khloé tells divorce attorney Laura Wasser on the podcast. She explains that even though it does "suck" at times, she's committed to having a good relationship with her ex because she doesn't want True to pick up on any negative energy, even at her young age.

That's why she invited Tristan to True's recent first birthday bash, even though she knew True wouldn't remember that party. "I know she's going to want to look back at all of her childhood memories like we all do," Khloé explained. "I know her dad is a great person, and I know how much he loves her and cares about her, so I want him to be there."


We totally get why being around Tristan is hard for Khloé, but it sounds like she's approaching co-parenting with a positive attitude that will benefit True in the long run. Studies have found that shared parenting is good for kids and that former couples who have "ongoing personal and emotional involvement with their former spouse" are more likely to rate their co-parenting relationship positively.

Khloé says her relationship with Tristan right now is "civilized," and hopefully it can get even better with time. As Suzanne Hayes noted in her six guiding principles for a co-parenting relationship, there's no magic bullet for moving past the painful feelings that come when a relationship ends and into a healthy co-parenting relationship, but treating your ex with respect and (non-romantic) love is a good place to start. Hayes describes it as "human-to-human, parent-to-parent, we-share-amazing-children-and-always-will love."

It's a great place to start, and it sounds like Khloé has already figured that out.

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Kim Kardashian West welcomed her fourth child into the world. The expectancy and arrival of this boy (her second child from surrogacy) has garnered much attention.

In a surrogacy pregnancy, a woman carries a pregnancy for another family and then after giving birth she relinquishes her rights of the child.

On her website, Kim wrote that she had medical complications with her previous pregnancy leading her to this decision. “I have always been really honest about my struggles with pregnancy. Preeclampsia and placenta accreta are high-risk conditions, so when I wanted to have a third baby, doctors said that it wasn't safe for my—or the baby's—health to carry on my own."

While the experience was challenging for her, “The connection with our baby came instantly and it's as if she was with us the whole time. Having a gestational carrier was so special for us and she made our dreams of expanding our family come true. We are so excited to finally welcome home our baby girl."

A Snapchat video hinted that Kim may have planned to breastfeed her third child. What she chooses to do is of course none of our business. But is has raised the very interesting question, “Wait, can you breastfeed when you use a surrogate?"


The answer is yes, you sure can! (And you can when you adopt a baby, too!)

When a women is pregnant, she begins a process called lactogenesis in which her body prepares itself to start making milk. This usually starts around the twenty week mark of pregnancy (half way through). Then, when the baby is born, the second phase of lactogenesis occurs, and milk actually starts to fill the breasts.

All of this occurs in response to hormones. When women do not carry a pregnancy, but wish to breastfeed, they can induce lactation, where they replicate the same hormonal process that happens during pregnancy.

A woman who wants to induce lactation can work with a doctor or midwife, and start taking the hormones estrogen and progesterone (which grow breast tissue)—often in the form of birth control pills—along with a medication called domperidone (which increases milk production).

Several weeks before the baby will be born, the woman stops taking the birth control pill but continues to take the domperidone to simulate the hormonal changes that would happen in a pregnancy. She'll also start pumping multiple times per day, and will likely add herbal supplements, like fenugreek and blessed thistle.

Women can also try to induce lactation without the hormones, by using pumping and herbs, it may be harder but some women feel more comfortable with that route.

Inducing lactation takes a lot of dedication—but then again, so does everything related to be a mama. It's a super personal decision, and not right for everyone.

The important thing to remember is that we need to support women and mothers through their entire journey, no matter what decisions they make about themselves and their families—whether Kardashian or the rest of us.

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