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I'm not the mom I was hoping to be

I wish I could be more like my mom

I'm not the mom I was hoping to be

I have the world's best mom. She's everything you could want in a mother: selfless, loving, gentle, humble, smart, kind, creative, patient, open-minded...The list goes on. When I reflect on my childhood, the memories are enveloped in feelings of security, bliss and contentment.

One of the stories I most loved hearing was how my mom was never a "kid person." She always knew she wanted them, but she waited until she was 30 years old to get pregnant and before that never felt a huge pull toward it.

Having my brother, sister and me changed her life, she said. We became her new reason for living. I loved imagining my mom undergoing this transformation. I loved knowing that she was one person before and, after us, completely changed. I felt like the most special person in the world, so very loved.

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Throughout my childhood and into my young adult years, I identified with my mom's pre-parenthood feelings on kids. I knew without question that I wanted them, but I certainly didn't classify myself as a kid person. I hated babysitting (though if any of the kids I babysat for are reading this, I loved you). I didn't go all gaga over little babies. Spending any more than 15 minutes with kids utterly exhausted me and I couldn't wait to escape. In my mid-20s, my now-husband and I talked about how we wanted kids one day but that it could definitely wait. Our life was great, and I was in no rush to change it.

Fast forward a few years, and I was pregnant with our daughter. I spent all 9 months daydreaming of our future as a family of three. I looked forward to the magical transformation that I would undergo the minute my daughter entered the world. I imagined every detail of new motherhood, from the snuggles in front of the Christmas tree to the surely devastating moment I'd leave her at daycare and return to work. I was so ready for the next chapter.

But when my daughter was born, that transformation never happened. And it hasn't happened in the 10 months since.

I love my daughter more than anything in the world and feel lucky beyond belief to have her, but that's where the similarities with my mom's experience of motherhood end. I've found being a new mom mostly terrifying. The days are challenging, the constant worry draining and the sleepless nights downright miserable.

When I headed back to work after three months, I felt mostly relief that she was in hands I deemed far more capable than my own. I've often felt like a fraud, spending more time than I care to admit missing my old self and wondering if I'll ever get her back. Every month my daughter gets older, I feel joy that we've made it this far, rather than sadness at how fast she's growing. These months are hard, and I look hopefully to the future.

I know many women like my own mom who are crushing it at this motherhood thing. They've flourished in their role, savoring the little moments and managing to juggle everything with what looks like complete ease. Though I suspect the truth isn't quite that straight-forward, I envy them regardless and spend a lot of time wishing I could be half the mother they are.

No, this is not how I pictured motherhood. Slowly but surely, though, I'm discovering who I am as a mom and learning to embrace her because she's the only mom I can be. I may not be the natural I expected to be, but I always come back to this: No one could love my daughter as much as I do. I'm not the best mom in the world, but I'm the best mom in the world for her.

I hope one day when I tell my daughter about my life before and after her birth, she'll see only how my heart grew exponentially with love. That she'll feel like the most special person in the world, so very loved. In the meantime, I'll continue trying to learn from the best.

Every week, we stock the Motherly Shop with innovative and fresh products from brands we feel good about. We want to be certain you don't miss anything, so to keep you in the loop, we're providing a cheat sheet.

So, what's new this week?

Tenth & Pine: Gender-neutral and butter-soft basics for littles + bigs

In 2016, after a stage four endometriosis diagnosis and a 10 year battle with infertility, Tenth & Pine founder Kerynn got her miracle baby, Ezra Jade. As a SAHM with a Masters in Business, she wanted to create a brand that focused on premium quality, function, comfort, and simplicity.

She sought out premium, all natural fabrics and factories that shared her core values, practicing environmentally friendly manufacturing methods with fair and safe working conditions for employees. As a result, her made in the USA, gender-neutral designs check all the boxes. The sustainable, organic basics are perfect for everyday wear, family photos and any adventure in between.

Lucy Lue Organics: Sustainably and ethically-produced modern baby clothes

This family-owned and operated business was started by a mama who wanted out of corporate America after the birth of her son. Thoughtfully designed to mix-and-match, Lucy Lue's sustainably and ethically produced collection of modern organic baby clothes only uses fabrics that are "environmentally friendly from seed to seam." Their gorgeous, earthy tones and comfy, minimalist styles make the perfect addition to first wardrobes from birth through the first years.

Sontakey: Simple bracelets that speak your mind

Sontakey has been such a hit in the Motherly Shop that we knew it was time to expand the line. And since these beautiful mantra bands look so stunning stacked, more options = more fun.

Not sure where to start? Here's what we're adding to our cart:

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Sorry, you can’t meet our baby yet

Thank you for understanding. ❤️

In just over three weeks, we will become parents. From then on, our hearts will live outside of our bodies. We will finally understand what everyone tells you about bringing a child into the world.

Lately, the range of emotions and hormones has left me feeling nothing short of my new favorite mom word, "hormotional." I'm sure that's normal though, and something most people start to feel as everything suddenly becomes real.

Our bags are mostly packed, diaper bag ready, and birth plan in place. Now it's essentially a waiting game. We're finishing up our online childbirth classes which I must say are quite informational and sometimes entertaining. But in between the waiting and the classes, we've had to think about how we're going to handle life after baby's birth.

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I don't mean thinking and planning about the lack of sleep, feeding schedule, or just the overall changes a new baby is going to bring. I'm talking about how we're going to handle excited family members and friends who've waited just as long as we have to meet our child. That sentence sounds so bizarre, right? How we're going to handle family and friends? That sentence shouldn't even have to exist.

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Life
Chrissy Teigen/Instagram

When Chrissy Teigen announced her third pregnancy earlier this year we were so happy for her and now our hearts are with her as she is going through a pain that is unimaginable for many, but one that so many other mothers know.

Halfway through a high-risk pregnancy complicated by placenta issues, Teigen announced late Wednesday that she has suffered a pregnancy loss.

Our deepest condolences go out to Chrissy and her husband, John Legend (who has been by her side in the hospital for several days now).

In a social media post, Teigen explained she named this baby Jack.

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"We are shocked and in the kind of deep pain you only hear about, the kind of pain we've never felt before. We were never able to stop the bleeding and give our baby the fluids he needed, despite bags and bags of blood transfusions. It just wasn't enough," she wrote.

She continued: "We never decide on our babies' names until the last possible moment after they're born, just before we leave the hospital. But we, for some reason, had started to call this little guy in my belly Jack. So he will always be Jack to us. Jack worked so hard to be a part of our little family, and he will be, forever."

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