Motherly Collective

“A healthy baby.” This was the wish I made as I blew the candles out on my 39th birthday. I was 19 weeks pregnant with my third child.

After two normal pregnancies, empowering births and healthy (albeit challenging) kiddos, I alternated between confidence that this time would be much like the others and fear that I was tempting fate to throw me a curve ball.

The 20-week anatomy scan  became a milestone. We were much slower to share the news of this pregnancy but I figured once I had this scan out of the way I’d breathe a sigh of relief and post the obligatory baby bump photo to social media.

I was prepared for a long appointment and was honestly thrilled to have 90 minutes to lie down uninterrupted and chat with my very personable ultrasound technician. Our stubborn baby wasn’t being cooperative and eventually the on-call doctor joined us to help get some elusive angles. No alarm bells went off, everything seemed routine. We left the clinic relaxed and confident, photos in hand.

My biggest stress was finding out the sex. While we left our first two pregnancies as a surprise, my husband and I decided that this time, for what we planned to be our last, we would find out. We had the ultrasound tech put the news in an envelope and the entire drive home it screamed at us to open it. But we held off, not to have a fancy gender reveal, but just to savor and process the news together in private.

A couple of hours later we were back to the whirlwind of regular life; my husband had one child at ballet while I played Frozen figurines with the other. Then I noticed two missed calls from the midwife. Thankfully, my mom was over and I slipped upstairs to make a call with a few anxious butterflies in my stomach. 

Motherhood teaches us over and over that we are stronger

What followed was a lot of medical terms that made almost no sense to me but the underlying message was clear—something was seriously wrong. At that moment everything changed.

At that moment I no longer had the bare minimum—a healthy baby. This would not be the intimate home birth I imagined, surrounded by my daughters, sharing this profound rite of passage. This would not be nesting at home as I held my baby skin-to-skin, breastfeeding while my bigger kids snuggled up next to me. Suddenly the bare minimum became something else entirely. In a sea of uncertainty, my mind ping-ponged from one worst-case scenario to another.

A healthy baby. What is left when you take that away? I thought of the sealed envelope still sitting in my bag. My husband and I would now be discussing much bigger topics than baby names.

I’m writing this from the messy, raw, liminal space, where nothing is known and everything seems possible. It’s a uniquely painful time when you’re awaiting medical news, as too many parents know.

I know regardless of what we find out, I have to answer the question—what is left when you don’t have a healthy baby?

I don’t have the answer yet, I’d be a fool to think it could be so easy. I can only start with what is what’s true for me now:

  • Motherhood has revealed a depth of strength I never knew I had
  • I have never really known what I was doing and I have always figured it out
  • The love I have for my children is profound and beyond anything else I have experienced

These truths remind me of the power and transformation of motherhood. Motherhood teaches us over and over that we are stronger and more capable than we ever thought possible.

This isn’t the story I wanted, this isn’t the wish I made.

So while I grieve what I have lost, I will embrace this next chapter of my heartbreakingly beautiful life.

This story is a part of The Motherly Collective contributor network where we showcase the stories, experiences and advice from brands, writers and experts who want to share their perspective with our community. We believe that there is no single story of motherhood, and that every mother's journey is unique. By amplifying each mother's experience and offering expert-driven content, we can support, inform and inspire each other on this incredible journey. If you're interested in contributing to The Motherly Collective please click here.