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I will never forget the baby I lost

Nine weeks. Nine weeks is all I had with her. But she will be forever in our lives.

I will never forget the baby I lost

[Trigger warning: This essay describes one woman's emotional journey with pregnancy loss.]

The room was cold and the thin brown cotton hospital skirt wasn't helping. I rubbed my legs a bit trying to warm up. It was just me this time. We had done this twice before and it was hard for my husband to take off work so I told him not to worry about it. I would record it.

I was giddy with anticipation, so excited to see our latest little babe, the one who would complete our family. We had barely even gotten on board with the idea of having another but here I was, full of excitement for this new life.

The OB walked in, we introduced ourselves since I had changed OBs and this was the first time I met her. She greeted me with a big smile and we had a bit of small talk before I gave her a quick medical history: Two other pregnancies, both super easy with no complications.

She asked me to lay back and put my feet in the stirrups. "Hold on," I said, "Let me grab my phone so I can record this for my husband." I grabbed my phone, settled into the stirrups and hit the record button.

I knew pretty quickly that something was off. As she started the sonogram she was making some small talk, exchanging common get to know you facts, and then suddenly she stopped and got quiet. For some reason, I instinctively turned off the recording.

"I can't find a heartbeat. I can see the baby but I can't find a heartbeat," she said. I could feel her prodding around more and more, almost desperately trying to find that little flutter on the screen, hoping alongside me that this baby was still with us. "I'm sorry, I'm not finding the heartbeat. I'm so sorry."

She then told me that she wanted me to go down the hall and see the ultrasound tech on the better machine. Maybe my dates were off and we could find it with a better machine.

I could feel the tennis ball size lump rising in my throat, I couldn't get my words to come out right away. Eventually, I was able to force out a quiet "okay."

I made my way down the hall to the sonogram room. I would have to wait a few minutes for the tech to be available. My hands were shaking, my palms were sweaty, I could barely manage to send my husband a quick text message. "The doctor couldn't find a heartbeat. Going to look with a better machine." That is all I wrote. The facts were all I could express at that moment.

"It's okay," I told myself. "The baby is just smaller than they thought, my dates are off, the tech would find the heartbeat. It's okay. Breathe. It's going to be okay."

The technician took more pictures with the sonogram but didn't say anything. They aren't allowed to tell you anything, only the doctors can report the findings. So I laid there for what felt like an eternity in a room full of tense silence while she got all the images she needed.

I made my way back down the hall to the patient room again. More waiting.

"Breathe. Remember to breathe. It's okay, it's going to be okay." I repeated this mantra over and over as I waited.

The door opened and my OB came in. She placed her hand on my leg with a very soft touch and told me gently that our baby was gone. Nine weeks. That is all I would have with this sweet life.

Miscarriage never crossed my mind. I never thought about it for a millisecond. But here I was, alone in a room trying to make sense of what had just happened. The tears didn't come right away. I had a lump in my throat but no tears. I was in shock.

How? This has to be wrong. They had to have missed something. No, this isn't happening. I texted my best friend who knew I was at the doctor and was awaiting a post-appointment update: "They couldn't find a heartbeat. I lost the baby."

She called me immediately. I explained what had happened in factual sentences but still, the tears didn't come.

I paid the parking attendant in the hospital parking garage and pulled out into the sunny day, I squinted my eyes at the brightness. "Wow, it's so beautiful outside," I thought to myself. And that's when I lost it.

The lump in my throat made its way out in the form of a loud moan and the tears just started pouring. I pulled over to the side of the road and I let myself go. The pain and sadness suddenly consumed every inch of me. I couldn't hold it back anymore.

Could we just go back to yesterday, when my baby was still alive? Back to yesterday when I was still pregnant with a new life? I kept thinking, I can't do this. This isn't happening.

A week later I had to have a D&C. My baby was officially gone. In order to fully honor this life that I carried and wanted so badly we decided to name her.

I think about her every single day. I love that baby and am still so sad that I will never get to hold her earthside.

Some days I think of her and it passes quickly, but there are other days where the sadness takes me over and knocks me down all over again. But I know where she is. I know she is happy. And most importantly, I know that this pain and sadness are only temporary and I will be so excited to wrap my arms around her when we meet.

Nine weeks. Nine weeks is all I had with her. But she will be forever in our lives.

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We're so glad to live in a time when modern baby gear exists. Sure, no one is going to argue that having a baby is easy—but it can be easier with support from some gadgets designed to help your baby and put your mind at ease.

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Here are 10 baby gadgets that will make your life so much easier… relatively speaking, of course!


A bassinet to promote safe + sound sleep

HALO Innovations Bassinest Swivel Sleeper Essenta Series Nautical Net

The safest place for your newborn to sleep is in your room, but not in your bed. Thanks to the swivel function of the Halo Bassinest, you can easily tend to your baby during the night—which means more sleep for you, too. Trust us when we say that is the best gift you can give a new parent.

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A smart swing for your baby

4moms mamaRoo 4 Bluetooth Enabled High-Tech Baby Swing - Classic

Believe it or not, many babies are born with strong opinions about how they want to be rocked, swung or shushed to calm down. With the mamaRoo's various motions and reclining positions, you'll be able to find a setting your baby loves when you need to free up your hands for a bit.

$219.99

A complete travel system for car + sidewalk

Chicco Bravo Travel System - Indigo

No matter where the day takes you—or what mode of transportation you need to get there—getting a complete travel system for your baby will equip you for anything.

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A swaddle you don’t have to wrestle

Love To Dream Swaddle UP Original

What do babies and Harry Houdini have in common? A knack for breaking out of tight constraints—which can be a headache when swaddling is the best way to help promote good sleep. Thanks to a breakout-proof swaddle that allows your baby to sleep with their hands up, you don't have to work up a sweat just to get your baby comfortably swaddled.

$29.99

A nursery wherever you need it

Baby Trend Lil Snooze Deluxe II Nursery Center

During the early days of parenting (when you are feeding and changing your baby around the clock), having convenient access to everything you need with a go-anywhere nursery station can save you serious time and energy.

$99.99

A little help for stuffy noses

Fridababy NoseFrida Nasal Aspirator

Up until the point years down the road when your child is able to blow their own nose, the sniffles can be a real struggle—but not with a nasal aspirator that makes it easy for you to get that snot out of their nose.

$15.99

A way to keep an eye on your baby

VTech 5" Digital Video Baby Monitor - VM5251

Trust us when we say you'll sleep better when you know your baby is also sleeping soundly. That's why we're so thankful for modern-day video monitors, which allow you to check in on your sleeping baby without running the risk of waking them up when you sneak in for a peek.

$79.99

A bassinet for hands-free rocking

Simmons Kids Silent Auto Gliding Elite Bassinet - Odyssey

Babies are soothed by rocking motions. But what does that mean for you if you can't rock them throughout the night? With an auto-gliding bassinet, they can comfortably drift off to sleep... and continue snoozing.

$99.99

An easy way to contain diaper smells

Diaper Genie Expressions Pail

Sometimes it's the little conveniences that make a big difference in the quality of your day-to-day life. That's why a great diaper pail should not be undervalued: By containing the smell, you will save yourself dozens upon dozens of trips to the garbage can.

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A white noise machine that pulls double duty

Hatch Rest Sound Machine, Night Light & Time-to-Rise

A phone-controlled sound machine may be something you never considered until now, but it will be a major lifesaver for years to come, especially as it can also function as a time-to-rise clock that promotes good sleep habits for your child.

$59.99

And as for securing all these awesome products? Well, a Target baby registry is the way to do it. By creating your baby registry with Target, you will also enjoy their Year of Benefits registry program, which includes perks like a welcome kit with more than $100 in savings and samples, two 15% off coupons to complete your registry, and a full year of returns. The benefits are better than ever right now: Target just launched the Year of Exclusive Deals perk as one of its registry benefits, and this includes a year's worth of discounts on baby essentials (think diapers and formula) and comes complementary when you sign up for Target Circle.

Because while parenting may not be "easy," deciding to register with Target definitely is an easy decision. Start your Target baby registry now and enjoy shopping with a Year of Benefits featuring a Year of Exclusive Deals available via Target Circle, two 15% off coupons, a year of hassle-free returns, a free welcome kit and more!

This article was sponsored by Target. Thank you for supporting the brands that support Motherly and mamas.

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