It doesn’t cross my mind often but every once in a while I wander to a place in my head of What will it be like? As in, what will it be like when my boys are grown and have families of their own and our house is quiet?
I don’t stay in those thoughts long, mostly because those same little boys need me right now but also because it breaks my heart a little. Of course, I do think about the kind of boys I want to raise. And about them—the person that will one day hold their hearts.
When that time comes it’ll be yet another season of adjustment for me and I’ll no doubt lean on my village for support and commiseration. I’ll do what I do best and likely try to befriend, cheer on and show my love to the point of embarrassment. I’ll likely cry my eyes out in happiness and sorrow, not because of jealousy or angst but because those tender times of being the only love in their lives will be over.
It will definitely be a new season. And because of this future them I often think about me. Me in the role I’m serving right now to be the one that raises good men. There are so many things I want my sons to learn before they fall in love. But mostly, I want them to know this:
I’ll teach them their values—to be genuine and kind to others. To treat everyone with respect and to work hard. And while I will teach them to be firm in their value system I want them to be open to accepting differences. That we all have stories and that those stories create the fabric of who we are and sometimes because of those stories we can have different values. I want them to seek understanding rather than turn away when something or someone happens onto their path that values different things. Whoever they fall in love with will also have their own values and together they will need to be compassionate as each work to bend where the other is convicted. These will be some of my hardest lessons.
I’ll shower them with unconditional love and affection. And in doing so I’ll teach them important lessons within loving boundaries. They will never need to question my love because they’ll know it is unconditional. That true love is unconditional. I’ll hug them tight because with each passing day they’ll be growing closer to a man and the mercy of time will leave an ache.
I’ll raise them to be independent men. I’ll make sure they can do their own laundry and cook more than a frozen pizza. I’ll grow them into men that can provide for themselves and for their future family. I’ll also show them what it means to be an independent, smart and working woman by chipping away at the glass ceiling in a man’s world. I’ll show them that anyone can and should be the breadwinner of the family. And that in sharing those responsibilities they’ll grow together.
I’ll show them that a strong marriage takes work. I’ll do this together with their father. As we work through tough situations and deal with the curveballs that life throws I’ll find ways to share those pains with our boys so that they learn resiliency and compromise. So that they appreciate the sacrifice. I’ll also show them that strong marriages, despite all the ups and downs, can be incredibly rewarding, happy and fulfilling. That marriage can be hard and challenging and wonderful and uplifting all at the same time.
So as I fold tiny superhero underwear and give daily reminders about putting the toilet seats down I’ll keep reminding myself that if I do this right (or right enough) whoever they choose will be very lucky, and I’ll again be one proud mama.