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Nearly every baby book or article on newborn care talks about attachment (the emotional bond between a parent and their child). Skin-to-skin fosters attachment. Eye contact fosters attachment. Talking to baby fosters attachment. Postpartum depression can interfere with attachment. Attachment, attachment, attachment.


It becomes pretty clear pretty quickly that attachment is a big deal, and lots of things play into how quickly and securely an infant becomes attached. But there is not nearly as much information about what attachment actually is, and what happens when things don’t go super well.

Before I say anything more about attachment, I want to highlight a very important fact—one that I will return to several times to make sure you don’t miss it. A person’s attachment style can change over time and repair is almost ALWAYS possible.

There are four general attachment styles:

  1. Secure
  2. Anxious,
  3. Dismissive avoidant
  4. Fearful avoidant

While I could go on and on for days about attachment theory and the various styles, the one I want to focus most on right now is the dismissive avoidant style. This seems to be the style that I find most often causing stress and worry for the moms I work with in my psychotherapy practice.

How does one develop an avoidant attachment style? It generally stems from a disconnect with your caregiver in early childhood. Mom may have been disinterested or disconnected on a consistent basis. Perhaps this was due to a struggle with mental illness or addiction, or the result of trauma in her life. She herself may have had an avoidant attachment style stemming from her own childhood, which made it difficult for her to connect with you.

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Whatever the reason, you learned that she was not going to be a source of care, connection or comfort. And to protect yourself, you stopped seeking her out. Children with avoidant attachment styles appear very independent and self-sufficient for their age. They are not bothered when their caregiver leaves and enjoy playing alone.

As an adult, individuals with avoidant attachments may find that they have a hard time connecting emotionally on a deep level. This doesn’t mean that you don’t have close, intimate relationships, but that there is a certain level of yourself that you don’t share and you don’t fully let your partner in. You may find it very difficult to talk about your feelings and things that would really upset others seem not to bother you. You have a deep independent streak, and someone wanting to get too close emotionally may be very uncomfortable for you.

What happens when you have a baby?

This is generally where I see many moms with an avoidant attachment style begin to struggle. Your baby needs you on such a close and deep level that it can be frightening, particularly if you haven’t experienced that intensity before. While you love your baby without a doubt, it may be difficult to feel that deep level of attachment that you’ve read about in books or heard your friends describe.

Please note: Regardless of your attachment style, the idea that moms instantaneously bond with baby is a myth. Some moms do—from the moment baby is placed on their chest, they feel completely attached. But for many, many moms, this takes a bit. Your body is exhausted from delivery, the baby may be taken to the nursery or NICU for follow-up care, breastfeeding may be difficult or painful in the beginning, and the sleep deprivation is intense.

For all of these reasons, immediate, deep attachment does not always happen. And that is totally fine. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad mom, or that you and baby will not have a secure attachment. It just means you’re human and adjusting to a major change.

But for moms with an avoidant attachment style, this initial bonding can be even more difficult, because it’s just not in your nature to let people in on such a deep, emotional level. And with everything we hear about the importance of this early bond, it can be quite scary for moms who struggle here.

You may worry that you’re harming your baby, or that you’re setting them up for relational problems in the future. You may worry that you’re a bad mom, or incapable of doing this whole motherhood thing well. It may bring up lots of feelings about your own relationship with your mom.

These are all normal worries and concerns. Let me reassure you—babies are resilient, and your parenting does not have to be perfect for your baby to develop into an emotionally healthy person.

So what is a mom with an avoidant attachment style to do to make mothering easier and allow that important bond with the baby to form?

First, take a deep breath and remember that our attachment styles can change over the course of our lives. There are lots of things you can do to help you be more emotionally present and available for your baby.

Here are a few:

Spend intentional one-on-one time with your baby.

In all of the chaos of motherhood, it is easy to realize that while you’ve spent the day caring for your baby, you haven’t actually spent much time interacting with them. This can be difficult with an avoidant attachment style, so start in small chunks of time.

Maybe just five minutes at first, reading books, singing songs or doing tummy time together. Then expand that time to 10 minutes, or five minutes a few times per day. Over time this will get easier, and it will do wonders for increasing your comfort and bond.

Allow others to be close with your baby.

Baby’s attachment needs can be met by more than just the primary caregiver. Make sure that you’re allowing others—your partner, grandparents, close friends, etc.—to get in some quality time.

Everyone has unique talents, skills and gifts that they can bring to their relationship with your baby. This also allows you to have some help and the ability to take time and space for yourself. This is important for all moms, but particularly for those who are not used to such closeness all the time.

Get active with baby.

Check out story time at your local library, sign up for mommy and me yoga, enroll in swimming lessons, or go to a music class together. These are all great activities to promote baby’s development and allow you that one-on-one bonding time in a structured space that may feel less overwhelming.

The physical touch and mirroring that goes on in these classes is phenomenal for bonding and helping you grow closer together. This is also a great strategy to use with older children—special trips to the zoo, the park or even just running errands together. The important thing is shared time, engaging in an activity.

Utilize a therapist.

A good therapist can do wonders to help you process the experiences that resulted in an avoidant attachment, which can make closer emotional bonds in your current life possible. They can also help you learn ways to cope when the demands of motherhood become overwhelming—because let’s be honest, it gets overwhelming for even the most securely attached moms! Growth and change are always possible.

But most importantly, give yourself some grace.

The fact that you’re concerned about the development of your attachment to your baby is a clear sign that you are a good mom. No mom is perfect, and we all bring our own history, baggage and struggles to motherhood. Every day is a new chance to learn a different approach and grow as a mom and as a person. You can do this.

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Sometimes it can feel like toys are a mama's frenemy. While we love the idea of entertaining our children and want to give them items that make them happy, toys can end up taking the joy out of our own motherhood experience. For every child begging for another plastic figurine, there's a mama who spends her post-bedtime hours digging toys out from under the couch, dining room table and probably her own bed.

Like so many other moms, I've often found myself between this rock and hard place in parenting. I want to encourage toys that help with developmental milestones, but struggle to control the mess. Is there a middle ground between clutter and creative play?

Enter: Lovevery.

lovevery toys

Lovevery Play Kits are like the care packages you wish your child's grandparent would send every month. Expertly curated by child development specialists, each kit is crafted to encourage your child's current developmental milestones with beautiful toys and insightful activity ideas for parents. A flip book of how-tos and recommendations accompanies each box, giving parents not only tips for making the most of each developmental stage, but also explaining how the games and activities benefit those growing brains.

Even better, the toys are legitimately beautiful. Made from eco-friendly, sustainable materials materials and artfully designed, I even find myself less bothered when my toddler leaves hers strewn across the living room floor.

What I really love, though, is that the kits are about so much more than toys. Each box is like a springboard of imaginative, open-ended play that starts with the included playthings and expands into daily activities we can do during breakfast or while driving to and from lessons. For the first time, I feel like a company isn't just trying to sell me more toys―they're providing expert guidance on how to engage in educational play with my child. And with baby kits that range from age 0 to 12 months and toddler kits for ages 13 to 24 months, the kits are there for me during every major step of development I'll encounter as a new mama.

So maybe I'll never love toys―but I will always love spending time with my children. And with Lovevery's unique products, mixing those worlds has become child's play.


This article was sponsored by Lovevery. Thank you for supporting the brands that support Motherly and mamas.

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One hour.

That's all this summer goal requires. It requires pretty much no planning or bucket list-making or thought, other than keeping your eyes open for opportunity. This hour will find you.

I figured out the impact of this hour when we spent last weekend at a water park while my son played lacrosse. Going back and forth from game to hotel water park all weekend left us feeling disjointed and exhausted. It was lots of fun, but I was just tired at the end of it. Every bone in my body couldn't wait to get home.

My kids, however, who can run all day and still not be tired, really wanted just one more hour in the water park. This meant I'd have to put on my bathing suit. We had to check out of our room, so if we stayed, we'd have to change in the damp, icky changing area. My hair would be wet. The water park was so loud. Not one thing about the idea of staying sounded appealing to me.

But still, they wanted to stay. They looked at us with hopeful eyes, begging for the fun to continue. Pretty much every other family was headed home. But we made a decision that changed how I am looking at my whole summer – and, really, how I'm looking at how my role as a parent.

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We stayed the extra hour. I am not exaggerating when I say it made all the difference.

I dug deep and decided I was going to be Fun Mom for an hour. I could have been Sit-in-a-chair-and-half-heartedly-watch-their-antics Mom for an hour, but I decided that would be a waste. If I wasn't going home, I was going to really be there for an hour. I was going to get my hair wet and not complain. For one hour, I was basically going to be a kid.

And it was So. Much. Fun.

I realized how important this hour was about 10 minutes in, when I found myself racing up the steps of the kiddie water slide area, chasing after Sam, plotting how I could adjust my way of sliding to finally beat him in our water slide race. I was ALL IN at that moment.

When I said I would slide with him, Sam's eyes lit right up and his little arms shot up in the air with a giant “YES!" He wanted to have fun with me. In that moment, I was not just Fun Mom. I was Fun Amy.

Having fun with your kids allows you to see them in a whole new light. I watched Sam use his God-given giant load of energy to run and run and run and embrace that hour, so much that I think he may be a fun genius.

I watched Kate fearlessly whip down water slides that made me scream like a baby. She held my hand. She was the one who was brave. She had no fear, and her fierce independence and determination made me feel lucky to be her friend for an hour.

I watched Thomas take Sam under his wing when it was his turn for slide races. I watched him teach Sam new water tricks and happily play in the kiddie area with reckless abandon, being kind and awesome to his brother at every turn.

I watched Ellie and Lily with their arms around each other, best friends for this sacred hour. I went down sides with each of them and floated through the lazy river as we all chatted, without a care in the world.

I held Todd's hand and rode down a slide with him in a double tube, just like in our dating days, our kids watching from behind, rolling their eyes with huge grins on their faces, hopefully seeing that marriage is more than making lunches and carting them around – that marriage is having actual fun with each other.

Spend the hour, my friends.

This hour reminded me how awesome it is to be the fun mom, to just be human with your kids. It reminded me how amazing it can be to say yes.

Sure, I could have used that hour to start on the massive pile of laundry we brought home. And full disclosure: We pushed ourselves to the point that there was plenty of super tired whining and complaining when we drove home. That hour could have saved us from having to stop for a little treat on the way home because now dinner was too far away. The house might have been cleaner and my people fed on time and in bed earlier had we not spent the hour.

But the laundry and the whining and the feeding of the people will always be there. That hour of fun was not only priceless. It was fleeting, like a feather in the wind we could catch if we tried. And we did.

Your hour may not be water park fun. This may sound like sheer torture to you. But your hour can be anything. And seriously, it's just an hour. We can do anything for an hour.

Thinking back, I remember my parents taking this same hour with us. My dad raced from roller coaster to roller coaster with my more adventurous siblings. My mom became more fun than any teenage shopping buddy we had. They spent the time. They took the hour. And we have amazing family memories because of it.

Life tries to drum that hour out of us. It tries to make us believe that getting stuff done is the ultimate prize. I am all for folded laundry and an empty sink and kids who are asleep at bedtime. But don't let life keep you from taking an hour here and there.

Find what you love, share it with your kids, say yes even when every bone in your old and weary body says no. Let your kids hear you scream like a kid going down a water slide. Get your hair wet. Eat ice cream for dinner. Play a family game of tag at the park as the sun goes down.

Show your kids you are more than a task master who cares too much about beds being made. Show them that you are not just the adult who wants them to entertain themselves at the water park while you sit in a hot tub (although I did that this weekend, too, and it was amazing).

Show them that family is fun, and that fun can actually come first. Show them the kid in you. It will bond you together in a whole new way.

Make it your goal this summer to take the hour. Those moments will make all the difference. And it's the moments that will change your family forever.

This post was originally published on Hiding in the Closet with Coffee.

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Breastfeeding is not easy. But neither is weaning. That's why this powerful photo from Brazilian mama Maya Vorderstrasse is going viral. Her husband captured the first time she ever breastfed their second daughter and next to it, almost two years later, the last time she fed their daughter from her breast.

And it's not just the photo that is powerful. In her caption Maya shares her emotional struggles with weaning and the tricks they used to make this transition easier for their youngest daughter. The caption reads:

"The first and last time my precious daughter ever nursed.

I didn't know that one person could feel so proud and so broken at the same time, right now I am a hormonal, emotional, and mental mess.

Raising my arm in this picture was very difficult for me as I had to fight through uncontrollable tears: this picture meant that I would never breastfeed my daughter ever again. I have been nursing for so long, that I don't know what it's like to not nurse anymore.



As I looked behind the camera, my husband is crying like I had never seen him cry before, like seriously, a deep gut cry. I was her comfort, her safe place, and I hope she still finds me that way. A month shy of 2 years old, she finally has a bed in a shared bedroom with her sister. We bought her her first bed, used any distraction we could come up with, snacks and new toys to keep her mind off of it.

My husband has taken over bedtime completely, including all nighttime wakings. We are on our third day, and every day gets a little bit easier. The guilt I feel for not putting her to bed is so intense and I can't wait to go back to it once she doesn't ask to nurse anymore. Closing a chapter is painful, but I am hopeful that this new season of our lives will also be special in its own way.

Through this maturation step she will not only grow more independent, but I will get a much needed break. She unlatched for the last time and sobbingly I said to my husband: "I did my best". He hugged me and responded with: "No. You did THE best, because you gave her your all". I love my family and am so thankful for such special and unforgettable moments like these. 💛

*my lazy boob has no clue about what's going on, but thoughts and prayers are accepted for my good one, I really think it might explode🤱🏻

**thank you to my husband, for insisting on filming this, I will treasure this forever.🤳🏼👩"

You've got this mama!

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If you're looking for basics for the kids for summer, you're in luck, mama. Primary clothes don't have logos or sparkles—they're classic prints and colors that can easily transition from one kid to the next. And this week, Primary is celebrating the new season with a major summer sale.

Items, like swimsuits, dresses, polos and more, are over 50% off. Most pieces are under $10 so you can stock up on an entire new wardrobe without breaking the budget.

Here's what we're adding to our carts—shop the entire sale here:

1. Baby rainbow stripe rash guard

With UPF 50, you can rest easy knowing baby has extra protection outdoors.

$14.50

SHOP

2. The track short

The easy pull-on waist will make outfit changes a breeze.

$10.50

SHOP

3. Rainbow stripe one-piece

Cute? Check. Will stay in place? Check. UPF 50? Check.

$18.00

SHOP

4. The short sleeve twirly dress

Made of 100% cotton jersey, this one will be a staple all summer long.

$10.00

SHOP

5. The polo babysuit

Perfect to dress up or down.

$8.00

SHOP

Motherly is your daily #momlife manual; we are here to help you easily find the best, most beautiful products for your life that actually work. We share what we love—and we may receive a commission if you choose to buy. You've got this.

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Being an adult is no joke. Beyond dressing ourselves and our kids and, ya know, feeding and bathing the family, there are so many other things that life throws at us. And because we're adults, we have to take care of these myriad to-dos. Welcome to: Adulting!

I'm not just talking about laundry, filling up the gas tank and stocking the fridge with groceries, but those tasks that always get pushed back. Getting life insurance. Refinancing your loan debt. (Students loans? Us, too.) Signing up for marriage counseling.

But guess what? These seemingly heavy-lift tasks are now a whole lot easier and faster to tackle. Here's how to check off your most tedious adulting chores.

The life insurance

When you're single with no descendants, life insurance might not seem like a top priority. But when you suddenly have a kid (or three), setting your family up for financial success is a must. And thanks to Ladder, obtaining a policy isn't the taxing, cringe-inducing process it used to be! It's modern and easy to use—seriously, you can even sign up for a policy from your phone or tablet. Ladder makes it possible to obtain a policy in under five minutes. Yes, really. See? No need to procrastinate!

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The student loan redux

You have the degree and the career and you also have the debt. And like us, you're likely just paying your monthly minimums without considering refinancing your student loans—because that sounds hard and complicated. Laurel Road simplifies the process. You can check your rates in only a few minutes (and don't worry, doing so won't impact to your credit score!).

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The marriage counselor

Did you know that 66% of couples report a drop in marital satisfaction when baby arrives? It's not surprising that an infant can cause stress for mama, but all that pressure can affect your relationship, too. Taking the time to really invest in marriage counseling often falls to the bottom of the to-do lists because of the many hurdles—finding a therapist, traveling to appointments, the cost of copays or out-of-pocket fees, the stigma around it all. With Lasting, however, you and your partner pair your apps and can begin working on your relationship together on your own timeline.

LEARN MORE

Motherly is your daily #momlife manual. We share what we love—and we may receive a commission if you choose to buy. You've got this.

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