A modern lifestyle brand redefining motherhood
Print Friendly and PDF

I came across this quote recently, “A mother is the bank where her family deposits all their fears and worries.” It stuck with me. I jotted it down and moved on, but I’ve come back to it a couple of times since.


I’ve come back to it when I was up all night when my 4-year-old had a 104.5 degree fever and I was so worried I couldn’t sleep.

I’ve come back to it when I reminded my husband we can’t leave medicine on the counter—even if it’s closed. That’s too nerve wracking. (And unsafe.)

I’ve come back to it when I was faced with a parenting roadblock that wasn’t going to be an easy one to deal with or solve. When the real seriousness of being a parent sunk in and felt heavy.

The weight of these worries of motherhood feel like a boulder on my heart sometimes.

I remember the first night we brought our daughter home from the hospital. I just stared at her in her bassinet. I was making sure her little belly was going up and down, up and down. I wanted to be sure she was breathing correctly before I let myself fall asleep.

I think I thought that by doing this, I was somehow protecting her from the bad and scary.

I still do that to this day. And I’m four years, three children into motherhood. I check on each of my kids every night before I go to bed, and I place my hand on their little bellies to make sure they’re moving up and down, up and down. It makes me feel better. It makes me feel like everything will be okay.

But what I’m learning is that—I can’t be in control of everything in my life or my children’s lives. Because life is unpredictable and, well...hard.

This realization is scary.

The curve balls aren’t going to just stop because I want them to. I have to keep honing my catching skills because they seem to be coming faster and faster these days.

The mental load of motherhood is heavy enough. Remembering everything. The paper to-do list plus the iPhone notes app to-do list plus the running list in my head and the random to-do’s that pop up as I just so happen to remember them.

I am the one who notices that size 5 pants are getting to be too short on my oldest daughter and I am the one who remembers to update our subscribe and save on Amazon Prime as our baby grows out of each diaper size. I remember cards for birthdays, school registration checks, to make doctor’s appointments, to get to said doctor’s appointments.

But it’s not all mental labor. I do a lot of the emotional heavy lifting, too.

Because, as it turns out, there’s quite a bit of emotions involved in motherhood. Worrying, for me, especially.

My husband often leaves his belts out. He doesn’t mean to put the children in any sense of danger or anything. But I look at those things like weapons—weapons they could hurt themselves with. So, I am the one who puts belts away where the kids can’t reach them.

I am the one who religiously checks the doors to make sure they are locked and puts the alarm on every night before bed.

I am the one who takes the hair ties out of our kid’s hair when they’re down for a nap because I fear they’ll take them out of their hair when they wake up and try to eat them.

I am the one who makes sure the medicine goes back in the cabinet once it’s taken or distributed.

I am the one who orders special safety locks for the doors or cabinets we don’t want them getting into.

I comfort. I soothe. I fix bad moods. I am the security blanket.

I worry about my husband’s happiness. I want him to be happy. When he’s in one, I want to magically fix his bad mood. I want to lift the weight off his shoulders. When something’s bothering him, it’s bothering me, too. I tend to take on his emotions, even though I know I should try not to do that.

I worry about my children’s happiness. Am I doing enough on a daily basis to make sure they feel excited, happy and loved? Are they having fun? Are they learning? Are they getting what they need?

I worry about the health and safety of my husband. What if something happened? I couldn’t do this without him. I wouldn’t want to. I could send myself into a tizzy even thinking of being without him.

I worry about the health and safety of my children. Are they eating well enough? Getting enough exercise? What if they run out into the street when they’re not listening? What if I turn my back for one second…

I stay up at night worrying. Thinking of the worst-case-possible scenarios. Not being able to fall asleep. Literally jolting myself awake at times wondering if something is wrong. It’s exhausting and emotionally draining.

And I don’t think it’ll ever go away. I am a mother now. Worrying, it seems, is now part of my DNA.

My husband doesn’t worry the same as me. He worries, but he worries a lot less. I hear things like, “They’re happy, smart kids. They’re doing fine. Stop worrying so much.”

I’ve sort of come to the realization that we’re just not wired this same way. I am always going to worry more. One thing he does seem to worry about is my worrying. So when he tells me to stop he’s not just dismissing me—he actually wants me to stop torturing myself because he feels bad. He hates watching me do this to myself.

I think it’s okay that he doesn’t worry as much as me. Because he is who I turn to to calm me, to ground me. He makes me feel safe and loved and like we’re doing this right. If he worried just as much as me, I fear that we’d constantly be balls of anxiety.

So what have I done to help manage these big feelings of motherhood? These worries and fears that can weigh me down and exhaust me at times?

I’ve let my husband in. I don’t just push it all down as far as I can like I used to. He asks, I let it out. He doesn’t ask, I also let it out. We’re in this together.

I’ve started looking for a therapist to talk to. Someone I can feel comfortable with and just get an outside perspective from. I’ve put this off for so long but finally realize that there’s no time like the now.

I’ve leaned on my faith recently after, let’s call it a bit of a hiatus. I’m feeling like, with this important work I’m doing everyday as a parent, I need to be able to believe in—and utilize—the power of prayer (for me.)

And most of all, I’ve reminded myself to practice gratitude and to look at the bigger picture. Life isn’t perfect and never will be. But I have three amazing children. I have a partner who loves me, who is so in this with me. I am a good mother. I have some tools in my toolkit now. I’ve got this. And so do you.

The very best of Motherly — delivered when you need it most.

Subscribe for inspiration, empowering articles and expert tips to rock your best #momlife.

Already a subscriber? Log in here.

We spend a lot of time prepping for the arrival of a baby. But when it comes to the arrival of our breast milk (and all the massive adjustments that come with it), it's easy to be caught off guard. Stocking up on a few breastfeeding essentials can make the transition to breastfeeding a lot less stressful, which means more time and energy focusing on what's most important: Your recovery and your brand new baby.

Here are the essential breastfeeding tools you'll need, mama:

1. For covering up: A cute nursing cover

First and foremost, please know that all 50 states in the United States have laws that allow women to breastfeed in public. You do not have to cover yourself if you don't want to—and many mamas choose not to—and we are all for it.

That said, if you do anticipate wanting to take a more modest approach to breastfeeding, a nursing cover is a must. You will find an array of styles to choose from, but we love an infinity scarf, like the LK Baby Infinity Nursing Scarf Nursing Cover. You'll be able to wear the nursing cover instead of stuffing it in your already brimming diaper bag—and it's nice to have it right there when the baby is ready to eat.

Also, in the inevitable event that your baby spits-up on you or you leak some milk through your shirt, having a quick and stylish way to cover up is a total #momwin.

2. For getting comfortable: A cozy glider

Having a comfy spot to nurse can make a huge difference. Bonus points if that comfy place totally brings a room together, like the Delta Children Paris Upholstered Glider!

Get your cozy space ready to go, and when your baby is here, you can retreat from the world and just nurse, bond, and love.

3. For unmatched support: A wire-free nursing bra

It may take trying on several brands to find the perfect match, but finding a nursing bra that you love is 100% worth the effort. Your breasts will be changing and working in ways that are hard to imagine. An excellent supportive bra will make this so much more comfortable.

It is crucial to choose a wireless bra for the first weeks of nursing since underwire can increase the risk of clogged ducts (ouch).The Playtex Maternity Shaping Foam Wirefree Nursing Bra is an awesome pick for this reason, and because it is designed to flex and fit your breasts as they go through all those changes.

4. For maximum hydration: A large reusable water bottle

Nothing can prepare you for the intense thirst that hits when breastfeeding. Quench that thirst (and help keep your milk supply up in the process) by always having a water bottle with a straw nearby, like this Exquis Large Outdoor Water Bottle.

5. For feeding convenience: A supportive nursing tank

Experts recommend that during the first weeks of your baby's life, you breastfeed on-demand, meaning that any time your tiny boss demands milk, you feed them. This will help establish your milk supply and get everything off to a good start.

What does this mean for your life? You will be breastfeeding A LOT. Nursing tanks, like the Loving Moments by Leading Lady, make this so much easier. They have built-in support to keep you comfy, and you can totally wear them around the house, or even out and about. When your baby wants to eat, you'll be able to quickly "pop out" a breast and feed them.

6. For pain prevention: A quality nipple ointment

Breastfeeding shouldn't hurt, but the truth is those first days can be uncomfortable. Your nipples will likely feel raw as they adjust to their new job. This will get better! But until it does, nipple ointment is amazing.

My favorite is the Earth Mama Organic Nipple Butter. We love that it's organic, and it is oh-so-soothing on your hard-at-work nipples.

Psst: If it actually hurts when your baby latches on, something may be up, so call your provider or a lactation consultant for help.

7. For uncomfortable moments: A dual breast therapy pack

As your breasts adjust to their new role, you may experience a few discomforts—applying warmth or cold can help make them feel so much better. The Lansinoh TheraPearl 3-in-1 Breast Therapy Pack is awesome because you can microwave the pads or put them in the freezer, giving you a lot of options when your breasts need some TLC.

Again, if you have any concerns about something being wrong (pain, a bump that may be red or hot, fever, or anything else), call a professional right away.

8. For inevitable leaks: An absorbing breast pad

In today's episode of, "Oh come on, really?" you are going to leak breastmilk. Now, this is entirely natural and you are certainly not required to do anything about this. Still, many moms choose to wear breast pads in their bras to avoid leaking through to their shirts.

You can go the convenient and disposable route with Lansinoh Disposable Stay Dry Nursing Pads, or for a more environmentally friendly option, you can choose washable pads, like these Organic Bamboo Nursing Breast Pads.

9. For flexibility: A breast pump

Many women find that a breast pump becomes one of their most essential mom-tools. The ability to provide breast milk when you are away from your baby (and relieve uncomfortable engorged breasts) will add so much flexibility into your new-mom life.

For quick trips out and super-easy in-your-bag transport, opt for a manual pump like the Lansinoh Manual Breast Pump .

If you will be away from your baby for longer periods of time (traveling or working outside the home, for example) an electric pump is your most efficient bet. The Medela Pump In Style Advanced Double Electric Breast Pump is a classic go-to that will absolutely get the job done, and then some.

10. For quality storage: Breast milk bags

Once you pump your liquid gold, aka breast milk, you'll need a place to store it. The Kiinde Twist Pouches allow you to pump directly into the bags which means one less step (and way less to clean).

11. For keeping cool: A freezer bag

Transport your pumped milk back home to your baby safely in a cooler like the Mommy Knows Best Breast Milk Baby Bottle Cooler Bag. Remember to put the milk in a fridge or freezer as soon as you can to optimize how long it stays usable for.

12. For continued nourishment: Bottles

Nothing beats the peace of mind you get when you know that your baby is being well-taken of care—and well fed—until you can be together again. The Philips Avent Natural Baby Bottle Newborn Starter Gift Set is a fan favorite (mama and baby fans alike).

This article is sponsored by Walmart. Thank you for supporting the brands that support Motherly and mamas.

Our Partners

Motherly is committed to covering all relevant presidential candidate plans as we approach the 2020 election. We are making efforts to get information from all candidates. Motherly does not endorse any political party or candidate. We stand with and for mothers and advocate for solutions that will reduce maternal stress and benefit women, families and the country.

Coverage:

A viral video about car seat safety has parents everywhere cracking up and humming Sir-Mix-A-Lot.

"I like safe kids and I cannot lie," raps Norman Regional Health System pediatric hospitalist Dr. Kate Cook (after prefacing her music video with an apology to her children."I'm a doctor tryin' warn you that recs have changed," she continues.

Dr. Cook's rap video is all about the importance of keeping babies facing backward. It's aptly called "Babies Face Back," and uses humor and parody to drive home car seat recommendations from the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP).

"Switching from rear-facing to forward-facing is a milestone many parents can't wait to reach," Dr. Cook said in a news release about her hilarious video. "But this is one area where you want to delay the transition as long as possible because each one actually reduces the protection to the child."

Last summer the AAP updated its official stance on car seat safety to be more in line with what so many parents were already doing and recommended that kids stay rear-facing for as long as possible. But with so many things to keep track of in life, it is understandable that some parents still don't know about the change. Dr. Cook wants to change that with some cringe-worthy rapping.

The AAP recommends:

  • Babies and toddlers should ride in a rear-facing car safety seat as long as possible, until they reach the highest weight or height allowed by their seat.
  • Once they are facing forward, children should use a forward-facing car safety seat with a harness for as long as possible. Many seats are good up to 65 pounds.
  • When children outgrow their car seat they should use a belt-positioning booster seat until the vehicle's lap and shoulder seat belt fits properly, between 8 and 12 years old.

You might also like:

News

[Editor's note: Motherly is committed to covering all relevant presidential candidate plans as we approach the 2020 election. We are making efforts to get information from all candidates. Motherly does not endorse any political party or candidate. We stand with and for mothers and advocate for solutions that will reduce maternal stress and benefit women, families and the country.]

Suicide rates for girls and women in the United States have increased 50% since 2000, according to the CDC and new research indicates a growing number of pregnant and postpartum women are dying by suicide and overdose. Suicide rates for boys and men are up, too.

It's clear there is a mental health crisis in America and it is robbing children of their mothers and mothers of their children.

Medical professionals urge people to get help early, but sometimes getting help is not so simple. For many Americans, the life preserver that is mental health care is out of reach when they are drowning.

Democratic presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg just released a plan he hopes could change that and says the neglect of mental health in the United States must end. "Our plan breaks down the barriers around mental health and builds up a sense of belonging that will help millions of suffering Americans heal," says Buttigieg.

He thinks he can "prevent 1 million deaths of despair by 2028" by giving Americans more access to mental health and addictions services.

In a country where giving birth can put a mother in debt, it's not surprising that while as many as 1 in 5 new moms suffers from perinatal mood and anxiety disorders, more than half of new moms who need mental health treatment don't get it. Stigma, childcare and of course costs are factors in why women aren't seeking help when they are struggling.

Buttigieg's plan is interesting because it could remove some of these barriers. He wants to make mental health care more affordable by ensuring everyone has comprehensive coverage for mental health care and by ensuring that everyone can access a free yearly mental health check-up.

That could make getting help more affordable for some moms, and by increasing reimbursement rates for mental health care delivered through telehealth, this plan could help moms get face time with a medical professional without having to deal with finding childcare first.

Estimates from new research suggest that in some parts of America as many as 14% or 30% of maternal deaths are caused by addiction or suicide. Buttigieg's plan aims to reduce those estimates by fighting the addiction and opioid crisis and increasing access to mental health services in underserved communities and for people of color. He also wants to reduce the stigma and increase support for the next generation by requiring "every school across the country to teach Mental Health First Aid courses."

These are lofty goals with a lofty price tag. It would cost about $300 billion to do what Buttigieg sets out in his plan and the specifics of how the plan would be funded aren't yet known. Neither is how voters will react to this 18-page plan and whether it will help Buttigieg stand out in a crowded field of Democratic candidates.

What we do know is that right now, America is talking about mental health and whether or not that benefits Buttigieg's campaign it will certainly benefit America.

You might also like:

News

[Editor's Note: Welcome to It's Science, a Motherly column focusing on evidence-based explanations for the important moments, milestones, and phenomena of motherhood. Because it's not just you—#itsscience.]

If you breastfeed, you know just how magical (and trying) it is, but it has numerous benefits for mama and baby. It is known to reduce the likelihood of developing cardiovascular disease, type 2 diabetes, and rheumatoid arthritis, and cuts the risk of sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS) by half.

If this wasn't powerful enough, scientists have discovered that babies who are fed breast milk have a stomach pH that promotes the formation of HAMLET (Human Alpha-lactalbumin Made Lethal to Tumor cells). HAMLET was discovered by chance when researchers were studying the antibacterial properties of breast milk. This is a combination of proteins and lipids found in breast milk that can work together to kill cancer cells, causing them to pull away from healthy cells, shrink and die, leaving the healthy cells unaffected.

According to researchers at Lund University in Sweden, this mechanism may contribute to the protective effect breast milk has against pediatric tumors and leukemia, which accounts for about 30% of all childhood cancer. Other researchers analyzed 18 different studies, finding that "14% to 19% of all childhood leukemia cases may be prevented by breastfeeding for six months or more."

And recently, doctors in Sweden collaborated with scientists in Prague to find yet another amazing benefit to breast milk. Their research demonstrated that a certain milk sugar called Alpha1H, found only in breast milk, helps in the production of lactose and can transform into a different form that helps break up tumors into microscopic fragments in the body.

Patients who were given a drug based on this milk sugar, rather than a placebo, passed whole tumor fragments in their urine. And there is more laboratory evidence to support that the drug can kill more than 40 different types of cancer cells in animal trials, including brain tumors and colon cancer. These results are inspiring scientists to continue to explore HAMLET as a novel approach to tumor therapy and make Alpha1H available to cancer patients.

Bottom line: If you choose to breastfeed, the breast milk your baby gets from your hard work can be worth every drop of effort.

You might also like:

Life
Motherly provides information of a general nature and is designed for educational purposes only. This site does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment.Your use of the site indicates your agreement to be bound by our  Terms of Use and Privacy Policy. Information on our advertising guidelines can be found here.