Menu

You’re still in there, mama

Long conversations, nights out with friends, date nights with partners, trips, seeing a new band, and you realize that who you were is still who you are. 

You’re still in there, mama

A few weeks ago I went to see a friend's band. This is something I used to do on an almost nightly basis. There was a time in my twenties when most of my friends were in bands, when I was greatly familiar with the Seattle music scene.


I would go out night after night to see friends, or friends of friends, and drink vodka sodas and wear heels and dance until last call. It's a nostalgic era that has only grown sweeter with time. I felt my most alive in some ways, as I was growing into the woman I would become, honing my tastes and interests and just plain having a blast.

It almost goes without saying that this is a major departure from my current lifestyle as a mom.

Nowadays, I'm lucky if I stay awake until 10pm, the music I listen to during the day most often involves trains and singing animals, and the only heels I own are sensible two-inch pumps that I wear on the rarest of occasions. This is simply the turning tide of parenthood and I fully accept it.

But there are times, like when an old friend is in town, when your current lifestyle grates against a past lifestyle. Where the current version of yourself is confronted by the past version of yourself.

Are they the same? Was that young woman really me? Is this frantic mom really her?

This is the ongoing crisis of motherhood. Those elements of ourselves that require constant tending, frequent pruning; where am I, what am I, who am I both inside and outside of this role? Answering these questions time and again is vital to our development as individuals. Yet, who has the time?

Motherhood is an all-consuming role in so many ways. It's not that it's impossible to get out and do things, but the forethought that goes into it, the planning that it requires for so many of us, often negates that energizing spontaneity, that careless freedom that we had before we became moms. And sometimes, no matter our level of preparedness, our darling kiddos get sick or injured, and we have to cancel the whole thing anyway.

When my husband and I got to the bar that night to see the band, I was giddy. Not because I don't go out much (well, okay that, too). But because it felt so deeply, satisfyingly right. A Seattle band, a hoppy beer, my arm slung around my man while we swayed to the rhythm of creativity, bravery, artistry.

In a frustratingly San Francisco crowd (read: subdued, too cool), I earnestly danced until I sweat, I cheered, I bought merch. I just had a damn good time. It felt so joyously familiar, so pre-kid me.

There is nothing that has made me feel more truly myself than becoming a mother. But there has been nothing more thrilling than the realization that inside this mother, I still exist. I'm still in there.

In the early months (and I would argue years) of new motherhood, you have to shove so much of yourself aside in unprecedented ways. Generally speaking, never before have you had to attend so completely, so dutifully, so relentlessly to someone else's needs, particularly at the cost of your own.

As my son approaches the two and a half mark, we have all reached a place of homeostasis. Equilibrium. Space. There is finally space for me to explore these questions of identity more deeply. My home is balanced (enough) to allow me some real time to myself. For excavation and exploration.

In the moment, the day-to-day grind of motherhood can feel excruciating in its mundanity. You can find yourself lost in yourself. Where you don't remember what you used to like, think about or do before it was all snacks, activities, playdates and bedtimes.

But there are flickers, clues that you're still in there. Long conversations, nights out with friends, date nights with partners, trips, seeing a new band, and you realize that who you were is still who you are, one just gets more camera time than the other (but both are so much more tired).

Yeah, there are some days I yearn for those late Seattle nights, those falling-over laughing, carefree, music in the air, fizzy, sparkling kind of nights. But there are others, just as potent, just as electric, that I can have now.

Like when my husband and I curl up in the fort we built for our kiddo after he's long asleep to watch Stranger Things 2 and drink tequila, and there is nothing that is better in the world, and no place I would rather be. Because I carry both the me who likes music and art and excitement alongside the me who is tired and nurturing and mothering all day long.

That night out, we weren't able to stay long after the set. We had to get home to our kiddo. Instead of being sad, my husband and I drove home with big smiles on our faces and talked about how much pure fun we had, and how awesome it was that we were going to be in bed by 11. These two sides of myself, happily coexisting.

A few days later, as I was driving my kiddo to his playdate, I put the band's album on in the car. He said, "What's this song, Mommy?"

Me: “A band called Smokey Brights. Do you like it?"

Him: "Oh yeah! I love it!"

I turned it up and sang because I'm definitely still in there. And the even sweeter part? My son is right there with me, and he's learning to sing along.

In This Article

    Why right now is the best time for a drivable getaway

    Flexible schedules mean more vacation options. 🙌

    Looking back now, last winter feels like a lifetime ago. At the time, my husband and I were eagerly planning our summer vacation just as we've done in years past. You know how the next part goes: COVID-19 came into the picture and changed our plans not only for vacationing, but for so much else in life.

    In the time since then, we've gained a truly valuable new perspective on what matters—and realized we don't have to look so far to make beautiful memories with our kids. By exploring getaways within driving distance of our home, we've developed a new appreciation for the ability to "pack up the car and go."

    Of course, that isn't to say that travel is the carefree adventure it once was. With COVID-19 still a very big part of the equation, we've become much more diligent about planning trips that allow for social distancing and exceed cleanliness standards. That's why we've exclusively turned to Vrbo, which helps us find nearby accommodations that meet our new criteria. Better yet?

    Thanks to the money we've saved by skipping air travel and our remote-friendly work schedules, we're able to continue with the trips throughout the fall.

    Here are a few more reasons we believe it's a great time for drivable getaways.

    Flexible schedules allow us to mix work + play.

    After months of lockdown, my family was definitely itching for a change of scenery as the summer began. By looking at drivable destinations with a fresh set of eyes—and some helpful accommodation-finding filters on Vrbo—we were able to find private houses that meet our needs. (Like comfortably fitting our family of five without anyone having to sleep on a pull-out couch!)

    With space to spread out and feel like a home away from home, we quickly realized that we didn't need to limit our getaways to the weekends—instead we could take a "Flexcation," a trip that allows us to mix work and play. Thanks to the ability to work remotely and our kids' distance-learning schedule for the fall, we're planning a mid-week trip next month that will allow us to explore a new destination after clocking out for the day.

    We’re embracing off-season deals.

    With Labor Day no longer marking the end of our vacationing season, we're able to take advantage of nearby getaways that mark down their rates during the off season. For us in the Mountain West, that means visiting ski-town destinations when the leaves are falling rather than the snow. By saving money on that front, we're able to splurge a bit with our accommodations—so you can bet I search for houses that include a private hot tub for soaking in while enjoying the mountain views!

    Vacationing is a way to give back.

    If we've learned one thing this year, it's that life can change pretty quickly. That's given us a new appreciation for generous cancellation policies and transparent cleaning guidelines when booking trips. By seeing both of these things front and center in Vrbo listings along with reviews from fellow travelers, I feel confident when I hit the "book now" button.

    Beyond that, I know that booking a trip through Vrbo isn't only a gift to my family. On the other side of the transaction, there are vacation home owners and property managers who appreciate the income during these uncertain times. What's more, taking getaways allows us to support our local economy—even if it's just by ordering new takeout food to enjoy from our home away from home.

    While "looking ahead" doesn't feel as easy as it once did, I am confident that there will be a lot of drivable getaways in our future.

    This article was sponsored by Vrbo. Thank you for supporting the brands that support Motherly and mamas.

    Our Partners

    The one thing your family needs to practice gratitude

    And a tradition you'll want to keep for years.

    Gracious Gobbler

    I think I can speak for well, basically everyone on planet earth when I say things have been a bit stressful lately. Juggling virtual school, work and the weight of worry about all the things, it's increasingly difficult to take even a moment to be grateful and positive these days. It's far easier to fall into a grump cycle, nagging my kids for all the things they didn't do (after being asked nine times), snapping at their bickering and never really acknowledging the good stuff.

    But the truth is, gratitude and appreciation is the kind of medicine we need now more than ever—and not just because the season is upon us. For one thing, practicing gratitude is a scientifically proven way to boost our happiness, health and relationships. More importantly, we need to ensure we're cultivating it in our children even when things are challenging. Especially when things are challenging.

    I'm ready to crank the thankfulness up a few dozen notches and reboot our family's gratitude game so we can usher out 2020 on a fresh note. So, I've called in some reinforcements.

    Enter: the Gracious Gobbler.

    Keep reading Show less
    Shop

    Mama, all I see is you

    A love letter from your baby.

    Mama,

    I can't see past you right now, I'm so small and everything's a little blurry.

    All I see is you.

    When you feel alone, like the walls are closing in, remember I'm here too. I know your world has changed and the days feel a little lonely. But they aren't lonely for me.

    You are my everything.

    When you feel like you don't know what you're doing, you're making it look easy to me. Even though we're still getting to know each other, you know me better than anyone.

    I trust you.

    Keep reading Show less
    Life