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You don’t have to split everything evenly to be equal partners in your marriage

The dishes aren’t done…again…and I bet he hasn’t started anything for the kids’ dinner either…yep, sure enough! Okay, I’ll get that done, as usual!


Having these thoughts occasionally is completely normal for most couples. The trouble comes when you feel like it’s always unbalanced, and you are responsible for taking care of most of the day-to-day chores and activities in the relationship.

You look around and see each thing that needs to be done: laundry, food, errands, and you do them because, well, they need to get done!

Time passes and slowly you start feeling more and more frustrated and angry— perhaps you even start to resent your partner for not helping more, and it’s easy to start believing they simply don’t care that these things need to be done and don’t care about your sanity.

Let me state the obvious here: resentment is not good for a relationship. It erodes the feeling of mutual support and respect that is crucial to a healthy relationship.

Here is the good news: this is fixable, and there are some very simple strategies you can use to start bringing balance back into your relationship.

Try these four strategies to improve the quality of your relationship and reduce resentment and burnout between you and your partner.

1. Be clear about when you need help

It’s important not to assume that your partner can read your mind and see when you are overwhelmed and stressed. It may seem obvious to you, but not necessarily to everyone else.

Be clear about both when you need help and what you need help with.

It’s easy to assume that the things that feel important and obvious to you should feel that way to your partner, but each person has different priorities and a different tolerance level for messes, etc.

Be willing to accept that this won’t match up perfectly with your partner’s idea of what’s important, and recognize that that has nothing to do with how much that person cares about you.

2. Allow your partner to do things their way, not yours

If you are the person who is most aware of things like messes around the house, kids who need baths, or when the bills are due, you are most likely to step in and take care of those things first. This may be because they bug you more, or simply because you’ve gotten into the habit of paying attention to them and taking care of them regularly.

This doesn’t necessarily mean that those issues are not on your partner’s radar, but they may jump out as important for them later than they do for you. Also, you’ll likely have different ideas of what it looks like to do a good job on those tasks.

So, if it hasn’t been done yet, or it isn’t going to be done “right” you might as well do it yourself now, am I right? While this attitude is understandable, it makes the cycle of getting burned out and overwhelmed worse.

Getting balance back means letting go of some control and allowing your partner to figure out their way to take care of things. This may mean they don’t do it as soon, as quickly, or as efficiently as you feel you could, so you will have to make peace with that if you want the help. It took you time to work out how to do each of those things so well, and the same goes for your partner.

3. Don’t try to split everything up evenly

Interdependence is not a dirty word. It’s not a bad thing if you and your partner to rely on each other for certain things.

The term codependent has gotten a lot of attention in psychology over the past few decades. It gets thrown around alot and, frankly, misused and misunderstood in casual conversation. This has made it difficult for people to understand that interdependence, or people relying on and supporting one another, is part of being human and not unhealthy.

Healthy relationships are not made up of two people who split everything evenly—they are made up of two people who have figured out how to split responsibilities in a way that makes sense for them and doesn’t feel like too much of a burden.

For example, if you hate budgeting and your partner is good at it and doesn’t mind taking care of it, let them! Be involved in financial decisions and understand your finances, but there is no need to split that task 50/50. Work with your strengths and share the tasks that neither of you particularly wants to do.

4. Talk about improving your relationship when you aren’t fighting

One common mistake I see couples make is to only address issues while in the middle of a fight. It’s so tempting to tackle problems head-on while in the heat of the moment, but it’s rare that you make much progress while you’re both mad and defensive.

Any suggestion you or your partner make when you’re both angry is likely to get shot down pretty quickly. Instead, try bringing it up another time, when you are both in a good mood and doing something you enjoy, like going out to eat or relaxing on the couch in the evening.

Try starting the conversation by being curious about how to make the problem better, instead of listing the ways in which your partner could improve, or pointing out how they are doing things wrong now.

For example, “I feel really overwhelmed by the housework lately, and I’m trying to figure out how to change that.” You can follow this up by asking what your partner is willing to do more of, rather than focusing on telling him or her what they don’t do enough of. You might be surprised how open your partner is to your suggestions when they are posed in this light!

It’s important to remember that a relationship is a blend of two unique people, both of whom need to be invested, flexible and open to change for it to be successful.

It’s your responsibility to ask for what you need and make space for it to be possible to help you, but it’s your partner’s responsibility to be open to listening and making changes when necessary.

These skills aren’t complicated, but it takes some practice to incorporate them as a natural part of your relationship. If you can practice communicating what you need in a caring and non-attacking way, and share responsibilities according to what you both are good at and willing to do, you can help keep anger and resentment out of your relationship for the long haul.

Who says you have to wait for birthdays or holidays to give your bestie a great gift? A sweet surprise that tells her you've been thinking of her might be the pick-me-up she needs in these more-than-trying times. We've rounded up some of our favorite go-to gifts that are certain to be a bright spot in her week. But be warned, you may want to snag a few for yourself. (You deserve it, mama.)

Here are some our favorite "just because" gifts to give our hardworking mama friends.

New Mother face + body care duo

volition face + body care duo

This correcting oil and stretch mark minimizer is perfect for the pregnant mama looking to keep her pregnancy glow. The correcting oil brightens the skin while reducing dark spots, and the stretch mark minimizer works to smooth her ever-growing belly.

$70

Allover roller

esker allover roller

This jade roller goes beyond your typical face roller and can be used anywhere on the body. It works to increase stimulation and reduce puffiness and is perfect for applying any oils to the face or body. Plus, it feels like a mini spa treatment.

$65

Kombucha making kit

farmsteady kombucha making kit

What could be a more perfect gift for the health-obsessed friend? This kombucha making kit comes with everything you need to brew your own homemade green tea kombucha. They'll think this is the tastiest gift ever.

$45

Laetitia lipstick

cupid & psyche laetitia

This red lipstick is perfect for your makeup enthusiast bestie who is looking to spruce up her life in quarantine. Crafted in the United States, these bee and vegan-friendly and cruelty-free lipsticks are created to flatter all complexions. Cupid and Psyche Beauty makes finding the perfect red lip way too easy!

$23

Jigsaw puzzle

inner piecec jigsaw puzzle

Mamas need to destress now more than ever during quarantine. This adorable jigsaw puzzle is perfect for the mama who needs a brain break! The 500-piece puzzle designed by artist Ray Oranges features an abstract gradient design that fits a standard frame when completed. Bonus: It's printed on recycled paper and the company donates $1 from every puzzle sold to youth mindfulness programs.

$30

Matilda's Bloombox

matilda's bloombox

If we have to be stuck inside, we might as well have some gorgeous florals to brighten up the space. Matilda's Bloombox locally sources blooms, delivers them to her door and provides simple tips on how to arrange it into a beautiful bouquet.

$39

'I Am Enough' bracelet

I Am Enough bracelet

Let this dainty bracelet serve as a constant reminder to your bestie that she is enough. She'll wear this on her wrist and read this daily oath to herself, "I Am Enough."

$35

Glow assorted teas

vahdam low assorted teas

This tea gift box set covers the entire spectrum of flavors from sweet to spicy. Individually packaged in beautiful tins, your gal pal will feel like a queen sipping her morning tea. Originally $40, this set is currently on sale for just $24. We'll take two, please.

$24

Find your voice journal

find your voice journal

Journaling is a great way to ease anxiety and will slow your bestie's racing mind before bed. This gift is perfect for first time journalists and includes prompts, daily quotes and coloring pages to help her unlock her potential and find her voice.

$22

Premium frother

shore magic premium frother

This gift is fitting for your latte-sipping bestie who can't go a day without her coffee. All she has to do is add two scoops of collagen to her favorite drink, and she'll have a perfectly foamy drink ready in seconds. Skipping the drive-thru line has never been so easy!

$25

Bath soak infusion kit

maude bath soak infusion kit

Say hello to hydration! She'll be feeling smooth and relaxed as ever after a long bath soaking in these salts. This vegan + cruelty-free set incorporates dead sea salt and dehydrated coconut milk powder for an ultra hydrating experience.

$32

Tiny Tags 'mama' necklace

Tiny Tags 'mama' necklace

It's a hard-earned title she answers to a hundred times per day. Whether she's new to the club or a seasoned professional, this delicate script 'mama' necklace is guaranteed to be a perfect fit.

$105

Superfood honey

Beekeeper's Naturals B.Powered honey

With a lack of sleep and jam-packed days, getting through the afternoon can be a real challenge. Send her a powerful pick-me-up in the form of a therapeutic blend of royal jelly, bee pollen, propolis and raw honey. It makes the ideal companion for tea, smoothies, yogurt or even on its on.

$17

Calming midnight mask with melatonin

Who doesn't deserve a reminder to pamper themself every once in awhile? Even better, this mask does all its work at night while you're sleeping with no extra effort needed. It's an amazing plant-powered antioxidant-packed mask that has melatonin, wild dandelion leaf and hyaluronic acid to rehydrate, repair and reset facial skin. It's so good, you might want to gift it to yourself. We won't tell, mama.

$68

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