#Winemom culture is about SO much more than wine—and we need to talk about it

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While scrolling through Pinterest the other night, I paused on a picture of a wine glass with a decal that said: “this is my me time." I'm not typically a fan of the gear that seems to accompany wine mom culture. But, at that moment, after a long, imperfect day of my own, there was something in that message I could appreciate: At least it was acknowledging moms need time for themselves.

I realized that, for better or worse, joking about being a wine mom is a palatable code for saying “this is hard." That feeling is one just about every parent experiences, often on a daily basis—but it can still be hard to admit, lest we be accused of not appreciating motherhood enough.

This silence does a disservice to us all, especially now that moms "work" an average 98 hours per week (regardless of whether you go to an office) and often don't reach out when they need more help.

The problem comes when the “solution" to the challenges of motherhood is distilled into the simple symbol of a wine glass. And along the way, the culture seems to have become a parody of itself, complete with bottle-sized stem glasses and t-shirts that say things like “they whine, I wine."

Therein lies both the strength and weakness of wine mom culture: It offers an important counter to the societal expectation that moms should be able to do it all, all the time, with a smile on their faces—despite the very real emotional, financial and sociological challenges that come with parenthood. But while wine mom posts may be the vehicle for saying this, wine itself is not the silver bullet to our self-care needs.

The rise of the #winemom

As anyone who watched Betty Draper stir her nightly cocktail on Mad Men knows, alcohol brands have been keen on moms for decades. Now wine seems to be cornering the mommy market: A 2016 survey from Wine Spectator showed that millennials drank 42% of the wine enjoyed in America—with women accounting for two-thirds of high-frequency wine drinkers (meaning those who drank wine weekly) under 30 years old.

"Highly involved female wine drinkers are mostly millennials, are more often urban educated professionals and more ethnically diverse than the typical female wine drinker," said the Wine Market Council in a press release on the findings.

With the average American mom getting less than one hour of alone time per day, every moment of self-care precious. And when those opportunities present themselves, let's be honest, it can feel hard to get motivated to do anything elaborate. Enter: The simple act of uncorking a wine bottle and sitting down on the couch.

But unlike Betty Draper drinking alone, millennials can now broadcast it: That 2016 survey found 50% of millennial wine drinkers shared pictures or posts of their pours on social media, which furthers the sense that frequent drinks are just the norm.

This has also given rise to the wine mom social media community, with a handful of pages related to parenting and wine racking up hundreds of thousands of fans. Among these groups and posts, the common theme isn't just vino, but also venting about parenthood in general—something that still feels very taboo to discuss offline.

"There are still so many topics that seem off-limits because of social media and the backlash you could receive from it," says Angela Principe, who started the Instagram page Mommy's Wine Time in 2016 and now has more than 30,000 followers. "Some days are so crazy that you think, 'I really couldn't make this up.' I like to highlight those days. Those are the days that moms can actually relate to and be thankful that they aren't the only ones going through it."

Moms need more self-care—and support

When Michele Neskey is done with her workday as a physician's assistant, finishes the consultations she does with clients as a health coach and puts her daughter to bed, she doesn't feel an ounce of guilt about pouring a glass of red wine.

She also doesn't have any shame in publicizing her evening drink on social media—even if others have been taken aback. "I've had people comment or message me and say, 'Here you are telling people to live a healthy lifestyle, and you're posting your mojito on Facebook?'"

Surprising as it may be to see a health coach post about drinking on Instagram or her blog, Neskey tells Motherly that being a self-proclaimed "wine mom" is really just about letting others know it's okay to admit when motherhood is challenging.

"It's not really so much about the wine itself, although I do enjoy drinking wine," says Neskey. "It's a moment I can take for myself and say it's been a great day or it's been a horrible day, or I just need a minute to relax."

Having people with whom you can feel able to share your full range of emotions is also essential, Erin Barbossa, a licensed master social worker, tells Motherly.

"Being comfortable about talking about the struggle of motherhood without judgment is all about building relationships built on trust and authenticity," Barbossa says. "Sometimes we discredit or invalidate someone else's struggle by bringing up the joys or unconditional love that comes with motherhood."

For many people, the wine mom community seems to offer this safe space where you can vent without fear of someone saying, "But it's all so worth it!" The problem arises when the digital community or nightly glass of wine is seen as a replacement for personal relationships or substantive self-care alternatives.

"It's interesting that 'wine time' is more socially acceptable than healthy forms of self-care like yoga, massages and therapy," Barbossa says. "Being in community with other women and moms can feel restorative, but checking in with yourself about 'is this nurturing and restorative? Or am I numbing?' is a good place to start."

Registered psychologist Dr. Melanie Badali is also less convinced of the merits of wine mom social media posts in particular. "Using humor to connect with others and foster a sense of belonging or group membership can be beneficial," Badali says. "However, doing it in a way that promotes risky use of alcohol is not helpful."

According to current guidelines from the Office of Disease Prevention and Health Promotion, moderate alcohol consumption is defined as an average of one drink or less per day for women. But with oversized wine glasses adorned with "mommy's sippy cup" and memes that say things like "the most expensive part of having kids is all the wine you have to drink," it may seem like drinking moderately doesn't grant you admittance to the wine mom club.

Remember that wine isn't the 'solution'

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Jody Allard, a mother of seven, tells Motherly she isn't necessarily opposed to others drinking in moderation. But the experience of being in a relationship with an alcoholic led her to cut drinking from her own life and become more mindful of how she unwinds.

"I decided to try to stop worrying about other people's problems and to start really focusing on myself. That led me to therapy, where I began to work through some of my own issues and establish healthier methods of dealing with stress," Allard says. "I was committed to being healthy and setting a good example for my kids, and part of that included functional ways of coping with stress and modeling self-compassion."

To Allard, the biggest problem with wine mom culture is that it may hold people back from seeking the emotional support they really need. She adds, "What concerns me about this approach is that it's specifically setting out alcohol as a solution to your problems and a method of self-care."

In Badali's view, there should be more emphasis on the healthy middle ground "somewhere between super moms and wine moms." She says, "We need to be creating a culture where you can ask for help and take breaks without feeling guilty rather than one that promotes alcohol use as a source of identity, belongingness and reward."

For that reason, it's worthwhile to see the good represented in wine mom culture: It presents a chance for people to connect. It's a way for us to give ourselves a break. And it's an acknowledgment of the fact that some days are harder than others.

But perhaps the best takeaway from the popularity of wine mom culture it is that we should all do a better job of validating each other's experiences with motherhood—whether over a glass of wine, a cup or coffee or no drink at all.

[This post was originally published on April 4, 2018. It has been updated.]

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Gabrielle Union + Dwyane Wade have been blended family goals, an inspiration to those struggling with infertility and now they are an inspiration to parents of trans kids and supporters of trans rights.

Earlier this month Wade appeared on The Ellen DeGeneres Show, and spoke about his 12-year-old daughter Zaya coming out as transgender and Union posted a beautiful video + caption to Instagram, inviting fans to "meet Zaya."

This week Wade appeared on Good Morning America, explaining that Zaya has known she was transgender since she was 3 years old.

"Zaya has known it for nine years," the proud dad said on GMA, adding that he credits Zaya (who was assigned as male at birth) with educating him and helping him grow.

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"I knew early on that I had to check myself... I've been a person in the locker room that has been a part of the conversation that has said the wrong phrases and the wrong words myself," he told GMA's Robin Roberts. "My daughter was my first interaction when it comes to having to deal with this conversation...Hopefully I'm dealing with it the right way... Inside our home we see the smile on my daughter's face, we see the confidence that she's able to walk around and be herself and that's when you know you're doing right."

It sure seems like Wade and Union have been doing it right. When Union posted a video to Instagram earlier this month introducing Zaya it was clear the tween's dad and step-mom have her back.

In the video Zaya is riding in a golf cart with her dad and dropping wisdom. She says: "Just be true to yourself, because what's the point of even living on this earth if you're going to try to be someone you're not?...Be true and don't really care what the 'stereotypical' way of being you is."

Union was so impressed by her step-daughter, captioning the video: "She's compassionate, loving, whip smart and we are so proud of her. It's Ok to listen to, love & respect your children exactly as they are. Love and light good people."

Later in the week Union addressed criticism of Zaya's transition on Twitter, writing: "This has been a journey. We're still humbly learning but we decided quickly w/ our family that we wouldn't be led by fear. We refuse to sacrifice the freedom to live authentically becuz we are afraid of what ppl might say. U have the ability to learn & evolve."

Zaya's big brother is also on her side. Newly 18-year-old Zaire posted the cutest throwback pic from when he and Zaya were just little kids, noting how the siblings were and are best friends.

"Man, I remember bugging my mom as a kid telling her I wanted a brother so bad. I was the only child looking for company and someone to look after and take care of," Zaire began his caption. "I have been blessed to have my best friend, Zaya with me for 12 years. We did everything together … we fought, we played, we laughed and we cried. But the one thing we never did was leave each other behind."

Zaire continued: "I've told you that I would lay my life down to make sure you are ten toes down and happy on this earth," he told his younger sibling. "I don't care what they think Z, you are my best friend and I love you kid, and if it means anything, just know there's no love lost on this side ✊🏾"

We are so impressed and inspired by the love Zaya's family is showing her (and other kids by sharing this story publicly). You've got this Zaya!

[A version of this story was posted February 12, 2020. It has been updated.]

News

Back in August the the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission (CPSC) and Contigo announced the recall of millions of Contigo Kids Cleanable water bottles—about 5.7 million of them.

Now, the CPSC and Contigo are recalling millions of water bottles and the replacement lids that were given to consumers as part of the August 2019 recall.

"Consumers should immediately stop using the recalled water bottles and the replacement lids provided in the previous recall, take them away from children, and contact Contigo for a free water bottle. Consumers who received replacement lids in the previous recall should contact Contigo for the new water bottle," the CPSC states.

Millions of Contigo Kids Cleanable water bottles were originally recalled after it became clear the silicone spout could pose a choking hazard.

"Contigo identified that the water bottle's clear silicone spout in some cases may detach from the lid of the water bottle," Contigo stated in a notice posted to its Facebook page back in August.

According to the CPSC, "Contigo [had] received 149 reports of the spout detaching including 18 spouts found in children's mouths" before the original recall.

Now, the CPSC reports "Contigo has received a total of 427 reports of the spout detaching including 27 spouts found in children's mouths."

All of the recalled water bottles have a black color spout base and spout cover.

This week Contigo expanded the recall. The original date range was for Contigo Kids Cleanable Water Bottle from April 2018 through June 2019. Now it is for bottles purchased through February 2020, and all the replacement lids.

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If you are looking for some alternative water bottles, here are a few of our favorites:

Hydro Flask

Hydro Flask features an easy-to-drink (and clean) top, a silicone bottom that won't scratch your furniture.

Motherly has tested these with a two-year-old and an eight-year-old and found these bottles are perfect for Pre-K to elementary school.

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CamelBak

The CamelBak is a big hit with little kids as it is easy to maneuver and it's a big hit with moms because it is easy to clean in the top rack of the dishwasher. CamelBak Eddy 12 oz Kids Vacuum Stainless Water Bottle

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Skip Hop

The designs on the Skip Hop stainless steel bottle keep kids happy and the silicone sleeve keeps the bottle from falling out of little hands! Bonus points for a flexible straw that is easy to clean!

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Motherly is your daily #momlife manual; we are here to help you easily find the best, most beautiful products for your life that actually work. We share what we love—and we may receive a commission if you choose to buy. You've got this.

{A version of this story was originally posted August 27, 2019. It has been updated.]

News

Shannon Bird is a well known mom blogger and influencer with more than 100,000 Instagram followers. For years she's been known for her style and for her family's quirky adventures, but in 2020 the mom of five became internet famous for something else.

This mama called 911 in the middle of the night because she ran out of breastmilk and asked the police to bring her formula.

The criticism was swift, but Bird's story isn't just about when it is appropriate to call emergency services—it's about who has the privilege of being able to call 911, the lack of support for mothers in America, gender roles and the erosion of the village. In short, this isn't just a story about Shannon Bird calling 911. It's a story about a society that is failing mothers.

Here's what you need to know about this viral story:

This week Bird appeared on Fox News Channel's Daily Briefing, but the 911 call happened in January 

It's been weeks since certain corners of the internet blew up after literally watching Bird (via Instagram stories) call 911 because she ran out of breastmilk and had no formula. To Bird's followers, this is old news, but it's been making the news in recent days.

On February 17 Bird appeared on Fox News Channels' Daily Briefing with her youngest child to talk about why she called 911 when she ran out of breastmilk (and had no formula in her home). As the Utah mom previously told Fox 6, "I've never not had food for my newborn. It was really scary for me."

How this mom ended up calling 911 for formula

Those watching Bird's Instagram Stories on January 28 saw this unfold in real-time. Bird was recovering from some postpartum complications at the time and a medication she was taking may have been a factor in her declining milk supply.

She found herself home alone (her husband was out of town) with her infant and her four other young children (one of whom had a cast on a broken leg). She thought she had enough pumped breastmilk in the freezer to get her though the night, but eventually realized she didn't. She also didn't have any baby formula.

In her Instagram Stories she detailed how she called friends and family for help around 2 AM but no one picked up the phone. Eventually, she called 911, telling the operator she was scared and had no way to feed her 6-week-old baby.

"I've been calling neighbors and no one will answer," she said on the call. "I've never been in this predicament ever. My milk just literally dried out. This is my fifth kid and this has never happened."

Soon, the police were at her door.

The police brought this mom milk + formula in the middle of the night

After the 911 call, Bird posted video footage of police arriving at her home to her Instagram Stories (as her doorbell cam had captured the footage). It shows Officer Brett Wagstaff of the Lone Peak police department arrive at Bird's door with a gallon of milk.

Bird explained that what she needed wasn't regular milk, but baby formula. "We'll be right back with some formula for your baby — she's adorable," Wagstaff told Bird.

Soon enough he came back with baby formula from Walmart, telling Bird, "That's the same stuff we gave my daughter when she was first born, so hopefully it doesn't upset her stomach."

Officer Wagstaff and his fellow officer Konner Gabbitas have been hailed as heroes in the recent news coverage of this story (and they are) but many critics pointed out that Bird had the privilege of being a wealthy, white mom when she called 911, and wonder if the response would be the same from mothers of color or lesser means.

The backlash over privilege + a need for postpartum support 

Twenty-four hours after posting the Instagram Stories showing the police delivering baby formula, Bird announced she was taking a break from social media (she's since returned) which isn't surprising when you look at the comments on her accounts.

People were upset with her for using 911 the way she did, and upset with her husband for leaving her alone with five kids while he went out of town. When Fox News picked up the story the criticism continued.

"This is not what 911 is for... In some places, you'd get a ticket for misuse of emergency services. But, here is everyone enabling some more. Saying how heroic and brave this was. I can't even handle it," one Instagram user commented.

"Flip this narrative and you would get a drastically different response. #whiteprivilege," another noted.

That does need to be part of this conversation. There are many mothers in America who would not feel comfortable calling 911 during a parenting emergency due to institutional bias and racism. And that's not fair, because all mothers should be able to get help when they need it.

Many people have pointed out all the things Bird could have done differently in this situation—maybe she could have gotten her kids up and driven to Walmart herself, maybe she could have used Uber Eats or Instacart to order formula for delivery—but at that moment she couldn't. She was in crisis.

Calling 911 is an act of desperation, and it's a sign that the cultural expectations on women are causing a lot of maternal stress.

It takes time to recover from birth (especially if you have postpartum complications).

Breastfeeding can be very difficult (even if you've breastfed before with ease).

And when your baby is crying and you can't help them, that's terrifying.

Many commenters suggest this is a story about a woman abusing the 911 service, but maybe it's a story about a country where mothers in crisis feel they have no one to call. Maybe it's a story about how when the "village" erodes, mothers suffer the most. Maybe it's a sign that we need more postpartum supports, more education and more empathy for mothers.

[Motherly reached out to Shannon Bird for comment and will update this post if we receive a reply.]

News

Most parents want to leave the planet a little better than we found it for our kids. But the urge to go green can sometimes clash with the reality of bringing up babies—it sometimes feels like you go through enough disposable diapers and wipes to fill up a small landfill on a monthly basis. But for parents who don't have the time or energy (or desire) to commit to cloth diapering, one company is offering a new alternative.

DYPER—an eco-friendly diaper subscription company—is launching the first ever compostable diaper service called REDYPER. Instead of ending up in a landfill (with 20 billion other diapers per year, according to the company), your baby's dirty diapers will be put to good use—such as helping to grow vegetation in highway medians, for example.

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Here's how it works: Along with your monthly shipment of diapers, subscribers receive bags and a specially designed box (one that the company says was engineered to Haz Mat shipping standards set by the United Nations). You'll fill up that box with your baby's dirty diapers, and when it's full, you send it back to the company with a prepaid shipping label. And don't worry—even the environmental impact of the shipping process is mitigated by carbon offsets purchased by the company.

From there, DYPER partners with TerraCycle to compost them. The company notes that its diapers are compostable at home—but that's a DIY project busy moms and dads might not be able to take on. REDYPER is a convenient solution for parents who want go green—even if they don't have time or space to do so.

And for parents mourning the loss of the company Brandless, DYPER represents a new way to do diaper subscription services. If you've got a DYPER subscription, you can opt into the new REDYPER program for free for a limited time (after that offer, it'll cost $39 a month).

You can learn more about the program on the company's website at dyper.com/redyper.

News
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