The hidden labor behind kids’ birthdays—and why moms are done carrying it alone

Birthdays are supposed to be joyful milestones—balloons, cake, and the kind of excitement children remember for years. But for one mother, they’ve become a reminder of imbalance, unspoken resentment, and the emotional weight of keeping family traditions alive on her own.

A 30-year-old mum recently turned to Reddit’s  Am I the A*****?* forum after a disagreement with her partner over their children’s birthday celebrations. At the centre of the dispute wasn’t money or decorations, but something much deeper: recognition.

Related: Can men really see the mess? Inside moms’ invisible labor at home

Childhood shadows shaping parenthood

The woman explained that she and her partner, 32, share two young sons. Both grew up in households where birthdays weren’t always easy to celebrate, but the impact was different for each.

“My partner and I had somewhat similar childhoods, where our parents had to make ends meet more often than not, so birthdays were hard,” she wrote. “But being the youngest in his family, my partner had always been spoilt; whereas being the oldest in mine, I often went birthdays forgotten.”

For her, that meant growing up determined to create the kind of memories she missed. “I’ve always been the gift-giver in my family because I liked making them feel special,” she shared. “Each year I’ve made an effort to make our sons’ birthdays special, and perhaps heal a part of my childhood too.”

Doing it all—and getting no credit

But when it comes to the practical side of planning, she says her partner is rarely involved. Despite repeated requests, she claims he stalls on money, avoids brainstorming ideas, and downplays her efforts.

“Though I’ve asked multiple times for help planning, funding, organising or even brainstorming ideas for either birthday set-ups or presents, my partner had always been either disinterested, reluctant or downplays the effort I put into it,” she explained.

Even when he promises to contribute financially, she says the funds never arrive on time. “The money he says he’d contribute turned into stalling: ‘when do you need it?’ With each passing day I’d say: ‘Now, so that bought things will arrive on time.’”

Fed up, she’s already bought all the decorations and presents for their eldest’s upcoming fifth birthday herself—and this year, she’s decided not to sign his name on the gifts. “AITA because I said I’ve bought some presents, and that it’s not from ‘us’?” she asked Reddit.

The invisible weight of “family magic”

Responses poured in, many reassuring her that she was not in the wrong. “He does none of the work but tries to take credit for yours? That’s bull,” one commenter wrote. Others pointed out that the problem extended beyond birthdays—that it reflected a deeper imbalance in emotional labour.

And experts would agree. Research consistently shows that women carry a disproportionate share of the “mental load” in families—the behind-the-scenes planning, remembering, and anticipating of needs that keeps households running. A 2019 study published in Sex Roles found that women were more likely to be responsible for organising family celebrations, even when both partners worked full-time.

Dr. Allison Daminger, a sociologist at Harvard University who studies household decision-making, calls this the “cognitive dimension of housework”—work that is invisible but crucial. “Remembering birthdays, anticipating needs, making lists—all of that thinking work often falls on women,” she explains.

When “us” isn’t really “us”

For this mum, leaving her partner’s name off the presents wasn’t about spite—it was about honesty. After years of doing everything alone, she no longer wanted to give the illusion of shared effort.

Experts note that this question of “credit” in relationships carries real weight. “When one partner consistently takes credit for the other’s invisible labour, it erodes trust and deepens resentment,” says Dr. Darcy Lockman, psychologist and author of All the Rage: Mothers, Fathers, and the Myth of Equal Partnership.

That erosion is exactly what commenters feared for the Reddit mum. Many urged her to see the birthday issue as a symptom of a larger problem: a partner who invests more energy into his workplace relationships than his family ones.

Related: New data shows moms carry the ‘invisible work’ of family life

More than cake and balloons

The woman admitted that birthdays and Christmas aren’t the only flashpoints. “It’s usually birthdays and Christmas I find there’s issues. And not just our sons, but for most people, including for myself,” she wrote. In sharp contrast, she noted, her partner does put thought into choosing gifts for his colleagues.

This disconnect leaves her questioning whether the effort she pours into family celebrations is truly seen—or whether it’s taken for granted.

Ultimately, her story highlights a broader reality faced by many mothers: the hidden labour of making life feel magical. It’s not just about wrapping gifts or hanging streamers. It’s about the emotional weight of wanting to give children joy, the hours spent planning details no one else considers, and the quiet ache of doing it all without acknowledgement.

And for many women reading her post, that sounded all too familiar.

Source:

1. Researchgate. 2019. “The Cognitive Dimension of Household Labor.”
2. Behavioural Scientist. 2019. “How Couples Share “Cognitive Labor” and Why it Matters.”
3. The Spectator. 2022. “The Feminist Library: An Interview with Author Darcy Lockman.”