I should not homeschool my kids, or anyone else’s kids for that matter.

I know plenty of teachers and I salute them. The work they do keeping a classroom full of tiny people alive and thriving is mind-blowing.The mothers who labor to instruct their children within the walls of their homes are my heroes.

I just know teaching children is not in my wheelhouse.

When I volunteer in my daughter’s class I inevitably ask her teacher if she goes home at night and drinks a bottle of tequila.

I can wrangle a room full of trial attorneys before an interview with The New York Times, but I am incapable of easily explaining to a group of 6 year olds the definition of Groundhog Day. “Somehow the people of Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania have brainwashed the rest of the country into thinking that if a rodent doesn’t see his shadow they will be subjected to the kind of weather that keeps you hostage and makes you mentally unstable for six more weeks. You got it kids?”

What am I supposed to do when the kids start bringing home math equations? I can probably hang in for a little while, but once you start getting into theorems I am useless. You want me to explain the solar system? I didn’t know until three weeks ago that Pluto is no longer a planet.

By the way, my husband would completely agree with me. “Let’s make sure I am in charge of the math, no question about it.”

This is what would happen if I were forced to homeschool my own children.


8:30: Reading“Today’s selection will be from Jerry Oppenheimer’s new book The Hiltons: The True Story of an American Dynasty by J. Randy Taraborelli. I’d like for us to discuss Zsa Zsa Gabor’s brief marriage to Nicky, specifically claims of mental anguish and financial strain.”

9:30 Snack

10:00: Math“Why don’t you guys help me pull together receipts for next year’s tax return?”

11:30: Lunch

12:00: Women in Film“Let’s watch last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New York. Let’s evaluate the probability of Sonja Morgan launching an international fashion empire in my lifetime.”

1:00: Physical Education“You guys run laps around the park. I will time you.”

1:30: Science“Let’s figure out what ingredients you need in order to make an at home oatmeal face mask.”

2:00: Community Development“Can you go ask the neighbors if they have an extra extension cord?”

2:30: After School Activities“Mom’s going to take a nap in the car. Come get me if you think I am going to get car jacked.”

See, I’d be the worst.

Tireless teachers and rocking homeschooling mothers: You are the best.

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