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10 powerful phrases to tell your child instead of 'good job'

Describing what you see rather than praising is essential for our children to grow.

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"Good job!"

"You are SO smart."


"What a pretty little girl you are!"

Sounds good, right? Familiar, perhaps, as you praise your child all through the day? Of course, you are doing this from a loving and well-intentioned place. However, praise of this kind can sometimes displace just what our children need the most.

Yes, displace. Stay with me here. I know praise for all they do seems like the way to grow those strong-from-the-inside-out kids. But as we give what feels like encouragement to our children in just the above way, we can undermine their ability to be intrinsically motivated—firing from inside themselves as they tap into their strengths and abilities to, on their own, pursue all things in life. We can undermine their growth as a strong inner-directed person.

Think about this: If we tell a child "Good job!" when they willingly get dressed in the morning, what does this communicate when they have a hard time getting dressed the next morning? That they are doing a 'bad job?' This is what a child 'hears,' and it does little to help them decide, on their own, to want to get dressed in the morning.

If we tell a child "You are so smart!" when they bring home an assignment they got 100% on, how do they feel when they come home with one marked with 75%? Or when they find themselves struggling with homework? If we've told them they are so smart, then they may feel like they are failing when they struggle. "I'm supposed to be so smart. Why can't I DO this??"

If we tell our daughter how pretty she looks as she prances out in her frilly red dress, what are we communicating is important? How she looks? How could this influence her over the years...as a teen...if how she looks becomes the go-to response she gets from us?

What CAN we do? Oh so much.

Describing what you see rather than praising is essential for our children to grow intrinsically motivated and to feel authentically affirmed. Here's how that can look:

  1. "You chose the red frilly dress! And you buttoned all those buttons by yourself. That took a lot of work."
  2. "Wow. That took a lot of brain work to come home with 100% on your assignment. I bet you feel really good about how your hard work paid off."
  3. "I see blue, green, black and yellow in your picture. You chose to use a LOT of the yellow! And look how you went round and round with your marker to make so many circle shapes."
  4. "Look how strong your muscles can be! What effort it takes to carry the bag all the way up the stairs. I appreciate your help."
  5. "What a commitment you've had to your training. I can see how happy you are to make the team at school!"
  6. "Math can be hard! Look at all the problems you've accomplished. You've concentrated on this for a long time."
  7. "Your friend is happy you shared your toy! What a kind thing to do."
  8. "It takes a lot of courage to climb up so high. When you are ready, you can give it a go."

What is different? Now you are focusing on their abilities, strengths, qualities—things you want to encourage as they help our children become more confident, feel more capable, able to take risks, to rally from mistakes, to move through struggle.

To know "I can really use my brain" sets a child up to work through a tough homework problem in an empowering way. Hearing "You are so smart!" can leave a child at a loss when they don't do well on a test, or when they can't figure out a problem. Using "You CAN be" instead of "You ARE..." gives a child the chance to be something else.

Take time today to pause as your child shows you the work they've done. Describe what you see, including the feelings of your child. Notice the L-O-N-G brush strokes across their painting and say something. Notice the colors they chose and tell them that's what you see. Pay attention to what they called upon to get through a tough moment and name it for them. Ask them questions about what it took to accomplish what they are grinning from ear to ear about.

Use struggles as a time to name and affirm their feelings, rather than find something to praise in order to 'make them feel better.' Use struggles as a time to identify the inner strengths they are trying to tap into to succeed. For example:

  1. "That puzzle is really difficult. It is frustrating for you! I can see you are working really hard to figure it out."
  2. "When your friend says those things it hurts your feelings and I can tell you feel sad. What might help you right now?"

This is important. Growing children who feel empowered, authentically affirmed and intrinsically motivated is key for living well all through life. It makes your job as a parent easier as your child can now move through struggles more successfully, can call upon their own selves to solve something, can make healthier choices with peers, and feel truly competent and capable.

Give it a try and notice what is different as you focus on your child's abilities, their process and the qualities you want the most. I believe you'll see just how your child is growing in amazing ways...and they'll "see" it, too.

Now when you find yourself throwing out the inevitable "good job!" or "you look so pretty!" now and again? No worries, for you've tipped the balance towards emphasizing just what you want the most—children feeling strong from the inside out.

What a gift to your child and to your relationships!

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As you build your baby registry, look for products that go the extra mile to make your life a whole lot easier. For example, what's better than a bassinet? A bassinet that can rock by itself. And what's better than a traditional baby monitor? One that allows you to actually take a peek at your baby. Believe us when we say these upgrades can make all the difference.

Here are 10 baby gadgets that will make your life so much easier… relatively speaking, of course!


A bassinet to promote safe + sound sleep

HALO Innovations Bassinest Swivel Sleeper Essenta Series Nautical Net

The safest place for your newborn to sleep is in your room, but not in your bed. Thanks to the swivel function of the Halo Bassinest, you can easily tend to your baby during the night—which means more sleep for you, too. Trust us when we say that is the best gift you can give a new parent.

$239.99

A smart swing for your baby

4moms mamaRoo 4 Bluetooth Enabled High-Tech Baby Swing - Classic

Believe it or not, many babies are born with strong opinions about how they want to be rocked, swung or shushed to calm down. With the mamaRoo's various motions and reclining positions, you'll be able to find a setting your baby loves when you need to free up your hands for a bit.

$219.99

A complete travel system for car + sidewalk

Chicco Bravo Travel System - Indigo

No matter where the day takes you—or what mode of transportation you need to get there—getting a complete travel system for your baby will equip you for anything.

$379.99

A swaddle you don’t have to wrestle

Love To Dream Swaddle UP Original

What do babies and Harry Houdini have in common? A knack for breaking out of tight constraints—which can be a headache when swaddling is the best way to help promote good sleep. Thanks to a breakout-proof swaddle that allows your baby to sleep with their hands up, you don't have to work up a sweat just to get your baby comfortably swaddled.

$29.99

A nursery wherever you need it

Baby Trend Lil Snooze Deluxe II Nursery Center

During the early days of parenting (when you are feeding and changing your baby around the clock), having convenient access to everything you need with a go-anywhere nursery station can save you serious time and energy.

$99.99

A little help for stuffy noses

Fridababy NoseFrida Nasal Aspirator

Up until the point years down the road when your child is able to blow their own nose, the sniffles can be a real struggle—but not with a nasal aspirator that makes it easy for you to get that snot out of their nose.

$15.99

A way to keep an eye on your baby

VTech 5" Digital Video Baby Monitor - VM5251

Trust us when we say you'll sleep better when you know your baby is also sleeping soundly. That's why we're so thankful for modern-day video monitors, which allow you to check in on your sleeping baby without running the risk of waking them up when you sneak in for a peek.

$79.99

A bassinet for hands-free rocking

Simmons Kids Silent Auto Gliding Elite Bassinet - Odyssey

Babies are soothed by rocking motions. But what does that mean for you if you can't rock them throughout the night? With an auto-gliding bassinet, they can comfortably drift off to sleep... and continue snoozing.

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An easy way to contain diaper smells

Diaper Genie Expressions Pail

Sometimes it's the little conveniences that make a big difference in the quality of your day-to-day life. That's why a great diaper pail should not be undervalued: By containing the smell, you will save yourself dozens upon dozens of trips to the garbage can.

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A white noise machine that pulls double duty

Hatch Rest Sound Machine, Night Light & Time-to-Rise

A phone-controlled sound machine may be something you never considered until now, but it will be a major lifesaver for years to come, especially as it can also function as a time-to-rise clock that promotes good sleep habits for your child.

$59.99

And as for securing all these awesome products? Well, a Target baby registry is the way to do it. By creating your baby registry with Target, you will also enjoy their Year of Benefits registry program, which includes perks like a welcome kit with more than $100 in savings and samples, two 15% off coupons to complete your registry, and a full year of returns. The benefits are better than ever right now: Target just launched the Year of Exclusive Deals perk as one of its registry benefits, and this includes a year's worth of discounts on baby essentials (think diapers and formula) and comes complementary when you sign up for Target Circle.

Because while parenting may not be "easy," deciding to register with Target definitely is an easy decision. Start your Target baby registry now and enjoy shopping with a Year of Benefits featuring a Year of Exclusive Deals available via Target Circle, two 15% off coupons, a year of hassle-free returns, a free welcome kit and more!

This article was sponsored by Target. Thank you for supporting the brands that support Motherly and mamas.

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9 products that will help baby sleep better (and longer!)

For many parents, attempting naps and bedtime can seem like a never-ending cycle of rocking, shushing and hoping for some kind of magic sleep solution.

How do I get my baby to sleep? This is one of the most commonly asked questions among new parents, and it makes sense, given that babies are born with their days and nights mixed up. For many parents, attempting naps and bedtime can seem like a never-ending cycle of rocking, shushing and hoping for some kind of magic sleep solution.

And while that might not exist (yet), we have found some of the best products out there that can help baby fall asleep faster and for longer durations. Because when baby is sleeping, so are you!

Dreamland Baby weighted sleep sack and swaddle

Designed by a mama, parents swear by this weighted sleep sack. It mimics your hug to give your baby security and comfort that helps them get to sleep faster and stay asleep longer. The detachable swaddle wing makes it easy to transition as they grow.

It's also super easy to get on and off, and includes a bottom-up zipper for late night changes, so you don't have to wake your baby in the process.

$79

Yogasleep Hushh portable sound machine

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Bebe au Lait muslin crib sheets

Burt's Bees Organic Crib Sheets

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The Simple Folk perfect pajamas

The Simple Folk perfect pajamas

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$37

The Snoo bassinet

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Designed by expert pediatrician and sleep guru Dr. Harvey Karp, the Snoo bassinet gently rocks your baby to sleep while snuggled up in the built-in swaddle. Not only does it come with sensors that adjust the white noise and movement based on your baby's needs, there is also an app that allows you to adjust the settings directly from your phone.

While this item is a bit on the expensive side, there is now an option to rent for $3.50 a day, which is a total game changer!

$1295

Hatch Baby Rest sound machine + nightlight

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Crane humidifier

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Personally, I think the adorable design options alone are enough of a reason to purchase this product, and your child will love watching steam come out of the elephant's trunk!

$46.99

Naturepedic organic crib mattress

Naturpedic Lightweight Organic Mattress

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Naturepedic uses allergen-friendly and waterproof materials with babies and children in mind, making them easy to clean and giving you peace of mind.

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Happiest Baby sleepea 5-second swaddle

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We independently select and share the products we love—and may receive a commission if you choose to buy. You've got this.

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The 6 biggest lies I believed before having kids

Just about all of us had set assumptions about raising kids before we became parents ourselves.

Just about all of us had set assumptions about raising kids before we became parents ourselves. Some of these ideas might have been based on our own ideas of how we would absolutely do things differently than everyone else. Others, we believed what everyone else told us would happen would apply to our littles, too. But, that's not always the case, mama.

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