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When I ask parents which of their child's behaviors they find most challenging to deal with, these three inevitably come up: lying, aggression, and backtalk. Let's look at each of these behaviors and discuss how to handle them using positive parenting.

Behavior "problem" #1: Lying

Being lied to by your children is upsetting for most parents. No one wants to raise "a liar." When our children lie to us, it breaks trust, and trust is a vital component in any healthy relationship. But the reason that children lie might surprise you.

Children under the age of about seven usually do not have the cognitive ability for deceitful lying. That type of lying requires the brain to be developed sufficiently enough that the child can recognize the truth, intellectually conceive of an alternate reality, and then try to sell that alternate reality to you. Because of the way the brain develops, the ability to do this just hasn't developed for toddlers and preschoolers.


When young children tell lies, it's to please you, not deceive you.

Children very much want to please their parents, to feel attached and accepted. So when your child tells you they brushed their teeth when they clearly did not, they may be telling you a falsehood, but it isn't with malicious intent. They are not being calculated about their fibs. They just want you to be happy with them. For more on the developmental aspect of deceit, read this.

Older children lie for a myriad of reasons, and even the best-behaved children will probably lie at some point. Reasons include:

  • Feeling unable to tell the truth for fear of punishment
  • Trying to protect themselves or someone else
  • Not wanting to disappoint parents.

While it can be a trigger for parents, it's important not to have a big emotional reaction when you catch your child in a lie.

Here are a few tips for handling lies:

1. Don't blow up at your child.

Calmly state the truth and assure your child they can always be honest with you. "I see that your teeth aren't brushed. You can always tell me the truth. Please go back in and brush your teeth."

2. Avoid shaming your child for lying or calling them a liar.

You're influencing how they see themselves right now, and you don't want "liar" to be a part of their self-concept.

3. Don't set your child up for a lie.

Asking "did you take out the trash" when you see they didn't is a bit deceitful as well. Just say, "I see the trash still needs to go out. Take it out, please."

4. Work on building a trusting relationship with your child.

The closer your child feels to you, the less likely they will feel the need to lie.

Behavior "problem" 2: Aggression

Children sometimes hit, bite, pinch, and push, and these behaviors elicit strong reactions from parents who are horrified to see their child being aggressive. You may be moved to shame and punish the child for this behavior—but punishment doesn't solve the problem.

While punishment may temporarily stop the behavior, particularly when the parent is looking, it doesn't stop the emotions that drive it or speed up the development it takes to manage emotions and reactions better.

Rather than punishment, children need limits with lots of empathy, understanding and encouragement. When you understand that aggression is a mask for anxiety, fear, guilt, or hurt, it becomes easier to empathize.

My first rule for dealing with aggressive behavior is to discipline yourself because aggression from your child often does trigger big emotions in the parent. When we meet aggression with aggression (yelling, spanking, threats, and shaming language), it fuels the fire.

Therefore, wait until you are able to respond appropriately before disciplining your child. This might look like quickly removing your child from the situation by putting them in a safe place in your home and taking a short time-out for yourself while you calm down, or it could look like bringing them onto your lap for a time-in as you two calm down together.

Lecturing children while they are angry or in the fight, flight, or freeze response is useless. They cannot engage their higher brains at that point. You must help your child to calm down first, and this is done by providing empathy and safety.

Often, parents worry that this is somehow rewarding to children, but empathy is not a "reward" and gentleness doesn't elicit more bad behavior. Instead, these are how we reach a child's heart, and that's where we have the best chance to guide children toward better behavior.

When children feel safe with us, when they feel understood and loved, then they calm down and hear our words. It's in that moment that we can teach them best. Discipline, after all, is about teaching.

Here are my tips for dealing with aggression:

1. Calm yourself first.

You don't want to bring your own aggression into the mix.

2. Understand that aggression is a mask for more vulnerable feelings such as guilt, shame, fear, and anxiety.

This will help you respond with gentleness and empathy and reach your child's heart.

3. Remove your child from the situation and to a safe place.

While some older children can calm themselves and need space, most children will need your help calming down. Consider using a time-in to accomplish this.

During a time-in, the child is invited to sit close to the parent or caregiver and is guided in calming down their brains and bodies so they can absorb the lesson. This teaches an important life skill—the ability to self-regulate. Calming techniques can include reading a book, drawing, or just talking with a calm parent.

Once the child is calm, the brain is ready to learn, and the lesson can be taught. At this point, explain what the child did wrong, why it was wrong, and how to do better the next time such a situation arises.

4. Use problem-solving instead of punishment.

Time-outs and other typical punishment don't teach children how to manage their emotions and reactions— this is what is needed to prevent aggressive behavior from recurring.

Instead, talk to your child about how they can begin to recognize anger, fear and frustration, and what they can do to calm down before they lose their cool. Offer solutions such as giant breaths, clapping, drawing, or writing in a journal and ask your child to come up with ideas as well.

My youngest child loved to pop balloons when he was upset. This helped him release his anger quickly, so I kept a small box of blown up balloons for him. Find what works for your child.

Behavior "problem" 3: Backtalk

This is another common behavior that really bothers parents because it feels like disrespect. Here, as is always the case, it's helpful to understand what is going on behind the behavior—what's causing it to occur.

It's important to remember that, in early childhood, children are only beginning to learn to assert themselves. Often what we misunderstand as disrespectful back-talk is a still-developing child's way of trying to communicate their need for autonomy.

Parents can support the child's need while teaching more respectful and positive ways to communicate that need.

Therefore, setting a good example with positive and respectful communication in the home is the best first step to curbing back talk. Children do learn what they live, and if they're accustomed to yelling or being ignored, they'll use those tactics as well.

Next, be direct in your communication. If you state your request as a question, such as "Will you pick up your toys now," that leaves room for "no" or "I don't feel like it."

Instead, be kind but direct. "Please pick up your toys now so we can go outside to play." When/then statements are often effective, such as "When the toys are picked up, then we will go outside."

When a child is testing your limits, don't bicker back and forth. Acknowledge what your child is wanting, validate their feelings, explain your reasoning once, and then use a short and respectful statement to disengage from the argument, such as "I've already answered that" or "I won't be arguing about this."

Two keys for handling backtalk:

1. Listen to what is behind the words to what is really motivating this child so you can take the personalization out of it so that it doesn't trigger feelings of anger and disrespect.

2. Empathizing, which shows the child that you listen and care about what he feels and wants (a behavior you'll want him to pick up) while holding your limit will dissipate the power struggle.

These are tough concerns—and you are not alone in feeling frustrated by them. But by understanding where they come from, you'll be ale to help you child learn from them, and move through them together as a team.

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[Editor's note: While Motherly loves seeing and sharing photos of baby Archie and other adorable babies when the images are shared with their parents' consent, we do not publish pictures taken without a parent's consent. Since these pictures were taken without Markle's permission while she was walking her dogs, we're not reposting them.]

Meghan Markle is a trendsetter for sure. When she wears something the world notices, and this week she was photographed wearing her son Archie in a baby carrier. The important thing to know about the photos is that they show the Duchess out for a walk with her two dogs while wearing Archie in a blue Ergo. She's not hands-free baby wearing, but rather wearing an Ergo while also supporting Archie with her arm, as the carrier isn't completely tight.


When British tabloids published the pictures many babywearing devotees and internet commenters offered opinions on how Markle is holding her son in the photo, but as baby gear guru Jamie Grayson notes, "it is none of our business."

In a post to his Facebook page, Grayson (noted NYC baby gear expert) explained that in the last day or so he has been inundated with hundreds of messages about how Markle is wearing the carrier, and that while he's sure many who messaged with concerns had good intentions he hopes to inject some empathy into the conversation.

As Grayson points out, these are paparazzi photos, so it was a private moment not meant for world-wide consumption. "This woman has the entire world watching her every move and action, especially now that she and Harry are leaving the umbrella of the royal family, and I honestly hope they are able to find some privacy and peace. So let's give her space," he explains, adding that "while those pictures show something that is less than ideal, it's going to be okay. I promise. It's not like she's wearing the baby upside down."

He's right, Archie was safe and not in danger and who knows why the straps on Markle's carrier were loose (maybe she realized people were about to take pictures and so she switched Archie from forward-facing, or maybe the strap just slipped.)

Grayson continues: "When you are bringing up how a parent is misusing a product (either in-person or online) please consider your words. Because tone of voice is missing in text, it is important to choose your words carefully because ANYTHING can be misconstrued. Your good intentions can easily be considered as shaming someone."

Grayson's suggestions injected some much-needed empathy into this discourse and reminded many that new parents are human beings who are just trying to do their best with responsibilities (and baby gear) that isn't familiar to them.

Babywearing has a ton of benefits for parents and the baby, but it can take some getting used to. New parents can research safety recommendations so they feel confident. In Canada, where the pictures in question were snapped, the government recommends parents follow these safety guidelines when wearing infants in carriers:

  • Choose a product that fits you and your baby properly.
  • Be very careful putting a baby into—or pulling them out of—a carrier or sling. Ask for help if you need it.
  • When wearing a carrier or sling, do not zip up your coat around the baby because it increases the risk of overheating and suffocation.
  • Be particularly careful when using a sling or carrier with babies under 4 months because their airways are still developing.
  • Do not use a carrier or sling during activities that could lead to injury such as cooking, running, cycling, or drinking hot beverages.

Health Canada also recommends parents "remember to keep your baby visible and kissable at all times" and offers the following tips to ensure kissability.

"Keep the baby's face in view. Keep the baby in an upright position. Make sure the baby's face is not pressed into the fabric of the carrier or sling, your body, or clothing. Make sure the baby's chin is not pressed into their chest. Make sure the baby's legs are not bunched up against their stomach, as this can also restrict breathing. Wear the baby snug enough to support their back and hold onto the baby when bending over so they don't fall out of the carrier or sling. Check your baby often."

Meghan Markle is a new mom who was caught off guard during a moment she didn't expect her baby to be photographed. Every parent (no matter how famous) has a right to privacy for their child and the right to compassion from other parents. If we want people to learn how to safely babywear we can't shame them for trying.

Mama, if you've been shamed for wearing your baby "wrong" don't feel like you need to stop. Follow the tips above or check in with local baby-wearing groups to get advice and help. You've got this.


At one of the most important nights of their career, celebrities made sure their hairstyles stayed put together at the 26th Screen Actors Guild (SAG) Awards. As a collective, the hairstyles were beautiful—french twists, bobs, pin curls and killer cuts filled the red carpet on the night to remember.

And surprisingly, the secret wasn't just the stylist team, mama. For many of the celebs, much of the look can be attributed to a $5 hairspray—yes, you read that correctly.

Dove style+care micro mist extra hold hairspray was one of the top stylist picks for celebs for a lightweight, flexible finishing spray, leaving tons of body and bounce. Unlike most hairsprays that can take several minutes (even a half hour) to set the look, this extra-hold one contains a fast-drying, water-free formula that helps protect your hair from frizz in minutes. As a result, celebrities were able to hold the shape of their styles, with mega volume.

"Dove hairspray works well by holding curls in place with maximum hold and ultra shine, while still maintaining soft, touchable texture that is easy to brush out," says Dennis Gots for Dove Hair, who styled Phoebe Waller-Bridge for the SAG Awards. Translation: It's great for on-the-go mamas who want a shiny hold that lasts, but doesn't feel sticky.

Here are a few awesome hairstyles that were finished with the drugstore Dove style+care micro mist extra hold hairspray at the SAG awards:

Lili Reinhart's French twist

"I sprayed Dove style+care micro mist extra hold hairspray all over Lili's hair to lock in the shape and boost the shine factor, making the whole look really sleek," says stylist Renato Campora who was inspired to create the look by Reinhart's romantic gown. "Lili's look is sleek and sharp with a romantic twist."

Cynthia Erivo's finger waves

"This look is classic Cynthia! I knew I wanted to keep it simple, but it's actually quite detailed and intricate up close," says stylist Coree Moreno. "While the hair was still wet (yes—I needed to work fast!) I generously spritzed on the hairspray for all night hold without flaking. The hair continued to air dry perfectly while she finished up makeup."

Nathalie Emmanuel's curly high pony

"Nathalie wanted a retro Hollywood glam for the SAG Awards, so I used her natural texture and created a high pony with loose tendrils framing her face and neckline," says stylist, Neeko. "I finessed the look with the hairspray to lock in the style while keeping her hair looking and feeling touchable."

Phoebe Waller-Bridge's slicked back bob

"I used duckbill clips on different areas of her hair to keep the shape and curl while the hair air dried. Air drying the hair allowed for maximum shine and then I sprayed lots of hairspray all over to truly lock in the sleek shape and enhance the shine," says stylist Dennis Gots, who was inspired by a 90s vibe for Waller-Bridge's look.

Dove Style+Care Micro Mist Extra Hold Hairspray

Dove Style+Care Micro Mist Extra Hold Hairspray

Who doesn't want a hairspray that makes your hair feel as good as it looks? Dove Style+Care Extra Hold Hairspray holds body, volume and enhances shine. It gives your hair touchable hold while fighting frizz, even in damp or humid conditions.


We independently select and share the products we love—and may receive a commission if you choose to buy. You've got this.

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We often think of the unequal gender division of unpaid labor as a personal issue, but a new report by Oxfam proves that it is a global issue—and that a handful of men are becoming incredibly wealthy while women and girls bear the burden of unpaid work and poverty.

According to Oxfam, the unpaid care work done by women and girls has an economic value of $10.8 trillion per year and benefits the global economy three times more than the entire technology industry.

"Women are supporting the market economy with cheap and free labor and they are also supporting the state by providing care that should be provided by the public sector," the report notes.


The unpaid work of hundreds of millions of women is generating massive wealth for a couple of thousand (predominantly male) billionaires. "What is clear is that this unpaid work is fueling a sexist economic system that takes from the many and puts money in the pockets of the few," the report states.

Max Lawson is Oxfam International's Head of Inequality Policy. In an interview with Vatican News, he explained that "the foundation of unpaid work done by the poorest women generates enormous wealth for the economy," and that women do billions of hours of unpaid care work (caring for children, the sick, the elderly and cooking, cleaning) for which they see no financial reward but which creates financial rewards for billionaires.

Indeed, the report finds that globally 42% of women can't work for money because of their unpaid care responsibilities.

In the United States, women spend 37% more time doing unpaid care work than men, Oxfam America notes in a second report released in cooperation with the Institute for Women's Policy Research.

"It's an economy that is built on the backs of women and of poor women and their labour, whether it's poorly paid labour or even unpaid labour, it is a sexist economy and it's a broken economy, and you can only fix the gap between the rich and the poor if at the same time you fix the gap between women and men," Lawson explains.

According to Lawson, you can't fight economic inequality without fighting gender equality, and he says 2020 is the year to do both. Now is a great time to start, because as Motherly has previously reported, no country in the world is on track to eliminate gender inequality by 2030 (one of the Sustainable Development Goals adopted by 193 United Nations member countries back in 2015) and no country will until the unpaid labor of women and girls is addressed.

"Governments around the world can, and must, build a human economy that is feminist and benefits the 99%, not only the 1%," the Oxfam report concludes.

The research suggests that paid leave, investments in childcare and the care of older adults and people with disabilities as well as utilizing technology to make working more flexible would help America close the gap.

(For more information on how you can fight for paid leave, affordable childcare and more this year check out


It's been more than a decade since federal guidelines were implemented to ensure nursing mothers have the time and space to pump at work, but as Motherly has previously reported, many mothers still find it extremely challenging to maintain a pumping schedule in the workplace.

This week a new study out of the University of Georgia showed that while most women report having access to private spaces and break times for pumping there are still significant "gaps in access to workplace breastfeeding resources" and the researchers recommend employers take action to reduce breastfeeding disparities.

"We know that there are benefits of breastfeeding for both the mother and the infant, and we know that returning to work is a significant challenge for breastfeeding continuation," says Rachel McCardel, a doctoral student at UGA's College of Public Health and lead study author. "There is a collective experience that we wanted to explore and learn how can we make this better."


The challenges of breastfeeding in 2020

There is a lot of pressure on mothers to exclusively breastfeed, but nearly half of mothers feel like they must make a choice between breastfeeding and keeping their job. A baby's mother is the best person to decide whether the infant should be breastfed, formula-fed or both, but it should be her choice. When workplace supports for breastfeeding are not in place many mothers feel like they don't have a choice at all.

Public health campaigns and social norms reinforce breastfeeding as the best choice, but a recent survey from Areoflow found that 1 in 3 people (31%) "do not believe employers should be required to provide a lactation room" but at the same time, 90% of those surveyed stated that they believe women should be allowed to pump at work.

For too many women, those contradicting messages mean that pumping at work is an uncomfortable experience, something they need to do nearly in secret. It's an example of the many ways in which mothers are supposed to parent as though they don't work but pretend they aren't parents when at work.

Calling for change in 2020

Half the states in America explicitly protect the rights of nursing parents in the workplace, according to the National Conference of State Legislatures, and federal law also provides protections to nursing workers under the Affordable Care Act. Section 7 of the Fair Labor Standards Act—but millions of working mothers are not covered by those protections, and the new research out of the University of Georgia's College of Public Health suggests that even mothers who are need more support from their employers.

Heather Padilla is an assistant professor at UGA's College of Public Health and the co-author of the study. She recommends employers "designate a person who is responsible for making sure that women who are preparing for the birth of their baby understand what resources they have available to them when they return to work," she said.

Supervisors or HR directors could fill this role, and would fill a gap between company policy and personal experience. Padilla and McCardel found that many women "said they hadn't expected to get much help from their employers, and there was a general lack of communication about the resources available to them."

The work Padilla and McCardel have done reinforces the work we at Motherly are doing: In 2020 we are calling for change, and demanding support for mothers feeding their babies.

Mamas need to work + babies need to eat

For many American mothers work is not a choice, it is a necessity. Mothers are increasingly the breadwinners for their families and it is very hard for mothers, even those with working partners, to be a stay-at-home parent in 2020.

We need paid family leave and protection from breastfeeding discrimination. We need employers to support working mothers who choose to pump, and we need to reduce the stigmatization of formula feeding.

Mama, we see you pumping in your office and mixing formula bottles to take to day care. We see how hard it is and we support you. Know that no matter what your baby is eating—bottled breast milk, formula, or some combination (because breastfeeding doesn't have to be all or nothing)—we know you are working so hard to provide it.

We have declared 2020 the #yearofthemother. Join us, and call for change because McCardel is right—this is a collective experience and it is one we can make better for the mothers who come after us.

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