Home / Health & Wellness / Mental Health The mental workload of a mother Hereâs what it consists of. By Jami Ingledue for The Wild Word December 15, 2017 Rectangle My husband and I thought we had this whole equal marriage thing figured out. We are a modern couple, after all. He is perfectly capable of cooking and cleaning. I know how to use a drill and do yard work. There were times I worked full time and he took care of the house, and there were times when he worked more and I picked up more of the load. Equality. An egalitarian partnership. Occasionally we had to work some things out, but overall: no problem. And then we had kids. Itâs impossible to describe just how much the workload increases when kids come along. But one of the most difficult things about the work of parenting is that so much of it is invisible. So one parentâletâs be honest, usually the dadâcan think they are doing the same amount of work as the other. But sometimes they can just be completely unaware of all of the many things that the other parentâusually the momâis completely taking care of. Often the most tiring aspect of this work is being the âKnower of All the Things.â So often the mom is the one who holds all of the behind-the-scenes knowledge about all of the many things involved in raising a kid. The one who plans, who notices, who anticipates, who researches, who worries. This is often referred to as âthe mental load.â âThe mental loadâ is not just one job though: it is pervasive. It applies to nearly all aspects of raising kids and managing a household. EVERYTHING. Why is it so often the mom who carries the mental load? Maybe we tend to be naturally better at these kinds of things, but dads are perfectly capable of carrying that mental load in their jobs and hobbies. So why canât they more often also carry some of the mental load at home? Surely this is mostly about our socialization. They donât because they donât have to. Because someone else has always done it for them, and it might be completely invisible to them. So, as a service to fellow moms everywhere, let me spell it out for you, dads. (Youâre welcome.) Hereâs what a motherâs âmental loadâ consists of: Stuff Just this week my husband said, âWe need to go through all of these toys and get rid of the junk and loose parts.â Guess what? I already do that every couple of months, apparently completely unnoticed. There is so much stuff everywhere, all the time. We are in a constant war to try to get SOME of it out of the house before the next Christmas when they will get dozens of toys with 10,000 tiny, sharp-edged parts. Mountains of toys, but also things like sippy cups, broken umbrellas, sports equipment, books, school and art supplies, etc ad infinitum. Anticipating what we will need, deciding what toys are developmentally appropriate, where to take things weâre getting rid of or recycling, noticing what our kid is into now or will be into in the future. And then there are the clothes. Oh, the hours of my life I have spent sorting through clothes! Mountains of received hand-me-downs, mountains of outgrown clothing. Do they have the right size, the right season? Do they have the next sizes available for when they grow out of the current one? Will they ever in a million years actually wear this? Letâs place bets on what shoe size theyâll be in when school starts, because who the hell knows. Gifts Attending a birthday party? We canât just show up. We have to buy a gift. We have to think about the age-appropriateness of the gift, what the kid is into, if thereâs anything the parents might object to. And of course, there are the gifts for our own families. All of the Christmas gifts, plus extended family. Picking up things on sale throughout the year that you think theyâll like, finding the best deals. Sometimes moms even take care of their own Motherâs Day gifts. And letâs not forget things like end-of-year teacher gifts. My husband did not even know this was a thing that existed in the world. Staying connected Keeping in touch with family, remembering birthdays, posting pictures for grandma on Facebook, planning family gatherings and visits, getting kids to write letters and make homemade birthday cards for grandpa, making sure they get to spend quality time with their cousins. Organizing playdates with friends, knowing who they are hanging out with, who they are having conflicts with, who is a good influence and who is not. Knowing who their parents are and if itâs a safe place to sleepover. School Oh, the never-ending paperwork of school: So many school forms. Reading records. Permission slips. Emergency contact forms. Multi-page forms for every activity. And then thereâs overseeing homework, knowing what they are struggling with, knowing when to contact the teacher, making sure they put the homework BACK IN THE BACKPACK FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, preparing for class parties and holidays, choosing school supplies, packing lunches or sending lunch money, bus schedules, Mom-I-forgot-I-need-cupcakes-TOMORROW, communicated at 9 p.m. Calendar Managing the family calendar, anticipating schedules for each season, noticing conflicts: this takes up a huge amount of brain space. Just a sampling of the things we have to consider: school schedule (especially weird days off that sneak up on us), bus schedules, concerts, recitals, lessons, class parties, field trips, work travel, childcare, doctor appointments (if there are any chronic health needs in the family this becomes a part-time job in itself), dentist appointments, school meetings, teacher conferences, haircuts, sleepovers, birthday parties, summer camps, and all of the things that everybody forgets to tell you about. Meal planning Planning and shopping to a budget, but also noticing what staples are running low, knowing what everyone will actually eat at any given time, knowing when someone must be having a growth spurt because they are eating enough to feed a small army, balancing health concerns with treats and favorites. Emotional needs And finally, looking after the emotional needs of the family. We think about what is going on in everyoneâs emotional world. Who needs some extra support and hugs, who needs to talk, who needs some space and freedom to figure things out on their own? Who is not feeling well and needs cuddles? How can we help them manage their anger better, channel their anxiety, learn empathy for others, treat people kindly, be less bossy? The world sorely needs men who do a better job of noticing how other people feel. Dads, this starts with you. Tired yet? This is only the tip of the iceberg. And it doesnât even cover crises and catastrophes. The list is endless and could fill a whole book. Originally posted on The Wild Word. 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