mistreatment-labor-phrases

[Editor's note: This article contains phrases to use in difficult situations, which may be triggering for women who have experienced mistreatment in labor or birth-related or sexual trauma.]

We recently shared the findings of a study published in the Reproductive Health journal that found that one out of six women report being mistreated in labor. The study authors wrote that mistreatment comes in the forms of "loss of autonomy; being shouted at, scolded, or threatened; and being ignored, refused, or receiving no response to requests for help."

This study broke our hearts. Your responses to it enraged us. So many women commented that they had experienced mistreatment during their births. In an effort to start to make things better, I have created this list of phrases to use if mistreatment becomes a part of your story.

But before I do, a disclaimer: I fear that by providing you with phrases to say, there is an implication that the onus of respectful care is on you. It is not. It is the moral and professional obligation of those caring for you to treat you well, and failure to do so is their deficiency, not yours.

With that in mind, here are 17 phrases to say if you are being mistreated in labor:

1. "It is really important to me that…"

Whether or not you have written a birth plan, your desires for your birth are incredibly important—don't hesitate to communicate them to your team. So often providers get caught up in the routine of how things usually happen, that we don't think to ask what specific requests you might have.

A few examples might be:

  • "It is really important to me that you help me do immediate skin-to-skin with my baby if it is safe."
  • "It is really important to me that you remember that my mother developed preeclampsia during her labor, and I am worried that I will too.
  • "It is really important to me that you use ze as my pronoun."
  • "It is really important to me that you keep the room as quiet as possible."

2. "We haven't met yet. Who are you?"

Hospitals are busy places, with many people working in them, and it is very possible that you will feel this during your birth. Every person that enters your room should 1. knock and 2. introduce themselves. If they don't, ask who they are and what their role is.

And, if you do not feel comfortable with their level of skill (i.e., having a student nurse place an IV in your arm), you can decline their care.

3. "Is this evidence-based?"

Brace yourself for an upsetting statistic: It takes an average of 17 years for new medical findings to make their way into clinical practice.

Now, this isn't all bad—certainly we want to verify new findings before implementing them, especially when they are big changes. But there does tend to be a "this is how we do things" approach in medicine, which means people receive care based more on "what we've always done," and less on what the research says we need to change.

If your provider tells you they think a certain intervention is necessary, it is okay to ask why. Try this:

4. "Please explain before proceeding."

You may not love receiving tons of medical details, and that is, of course, completely fine. I had a client recently who tends to faint when blood is discussed. But do know that you can ask for explanations for all tests and procedures if you want them.

In addition to the questions above, try asking: "Please give me an overview of the steps you will take during this procedure."

5. "I need some time to think about this."

Labor is intense, and often in the heat of the moment, we say yes to something that we later wish we hadn't. It is perfectly fine to ask for a few minutes to process what you've just heard and decide how to feel about it.

If things are emergent and require immediate action, your provider will let you know.

6. "Please call the translator."

Translator services are almost always available for people that speak languages other than the one being used by your provider. Unfortunately, so often providers will think, "Oh, this is just a quick thing. I don't need to call the translator service for this."

They do.

According to LEP.gov, "All recipients of federal funds and all federal agencies are required by law to take reasonable steps to provide meaningful access to limited English proficient persons." And yet, a 2015 study found that over 65 percent of hospital patients who had limited English language proficiency had no documented usage of translator services during their stay.

If a language difference is preventing you from fully understanding what your provider or nurse is saying, you have the right to insist that translator services be used, every single time they speak with you.

7. "This makes me uncomfortable."

It is okay to send a loud-and-clear message about the behavior that you don't like.

Some examples might be:

  • "It makes me uncomfortable when you tell me that I am not doing a good job just pushing."
  • "It makes me uncomfortable when you ignore my partner, who is sitting next to me."
  • "It makes me uncomfortable when you laugh at my birth plan."

8. "I'd like to discuss this in private."

You are entitled to confidentiality throughout your birth. If someone starts asking you personal questions or disclosing personal information in front of other people, you can remind them of your right to privacy, even if it results in an inconvenience such as finding a private room to speak in.

9. "Please lower your voice."

You should not be yelled at during your birth. Not ever.

10. "Please ask for permission."

I cannot tell you the number of times I have heard providers say, "I am going to check your cervix now." In other words, "I am going to put my fingers in your vagina now."

This is not acceptable in any circumstance, birth-related or not. Your cervix, your vagina, your body.

Instead, the conversation—not demand—should start like this:

"I'd like to do a vaginal exam to assess whether your cervix has dilated since we started Pitocin. Is that okay with you?"

11. "You do not have my permission."

If someone bypasses the request for permission, you have the right to state outright that they do not have your permission to proceed.

12. "I'd like a chaperone in the room."

One of the primary people who taught me to be a midwife was a man (male midwives are also called midwives). Every time he did a pelvic exam, he requested that a female staff member come into the room to serve as a witness, to help the patient feel more at ease.

You can request this—and not only if the provider or nurse is a male. If you feel that one person on your team is particularly problematic (for any reason, including the tone in which they speak to you), you do not have to be alone with them.

13. "I would like another provider/nurse to care for me."

If your provider or nurse is not treating you respectfully, ask for someone else. It may feel awkward, but remember that you are the customer here. You do not have to "deal with" someone who makes you feel uncomfortable.

14. "I am calling 9-1-1."

This one is reserved for situations where you feel that the care you are receiving is putting your health or life (of that of your baby) in danger. If you are reporting dangerous symptoms (difficulty breathing, severe headache, severe abdominal pain, heavy vaginal bleeding, the urge to harm yourself or the baby, or something else that is very concerning to you) and being ignored, call 9-1-1.

15. "I'd like to speak to the patient advocacy department."

Most hospitals have a patient advocacy department to support patients in understanding their rights. Ask to speak with them if things start to feel off.

16. "I am making an appointment with a therapist."

If you were mistreated during your birth, you may experience emotional distress afterward. Mama, you do not have to go through this alone. A therapist can help you process your experience so that it does not continue to cause you pain.

17. "I'm calling my lawyer."

In addition to emotional support, you may find that you would like to take legal action.

It is my sincere hope that you will not need a single one of the phrases. But mama, if you do, I cannot emphasize enough that it is not your fault and that you are not alone.

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    Customflow™ Double Electric Breast Pump

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    7 hacks for simplifying after-school snacks

    Prepping delicious and nutritious foods shouldn't take all day.

    When you're in the middle of the school year and managing a family, each minute of time becomes very precious. Sometimes that means healthy food choices in the household can take a backseat. But don't stress it, mama. Prepping delicious and nutritious choices for the kids to munch on doesn't need to take all day.

    Remember to keep it fun, simple and interactive! Here are tips for simplifying after-school snacks once and for all:

    1. Prep snacks on Sunday

    This simple trick can make the rest of the week a breeze. Tupperware is your friend here, you can even write different days of the week on each container to give the kids a little surprise every day. I really like storage with compartments for snack prep. Personally, I slice apples, carrots or cucumbers to pair with almond butter and hummus—all great to grab and go for when you're out all day and need some fresh variety.

    2. When in doubt, go for fruit

    Fruit is always a quick and easy option. I suggest blueberries, clementine oranges, apples, frozen grapes or even unsweetened apple sauce and dried fruit, like mixed fruit. It's fun to put together a fruit salad, too. Simply cut up all the fruit options and let the kids decide how they'd like to compile. Prepped fruit is also great to have on hand for smoothies, especially when it's been sitting in the fridge for a few days—throw it in the blender with some nut milk and voila.

    3. Pair snacks with a dip

    Hummus is a great dip to keep on hand with lots of versatility or you can grab a yogurt-based dip. Easy and healthy dippers include pre-sliced veggies, baby carrots and multigrain tortilla chips. Plain hummus is a great way to introduce seasonings and spices too—shake a little turmeric, add fresh basil and you'd be surprised what your kids will take to.

    4. Have high-protein options readily available

    Snacks with high protein, like cottage cheese, Greek yogurt, hard boiled eggs and jerky will fuel kids for hours. One of my favorites is a turkey stick, which is a fun addition to the hummus platter. Just slice into bite-sized pieces. I love cottage cheese because it can go savory or sweet, use as a dip with your prepped veggies, or drizzle pure maple syrup and sprinkle with berries.

    5. Always keep the pantry stocked

    Monthly deliveries keeps the pantry updated without a trip to grocery store. Many kids are big fans of popcorn, granola and pretzels. We like to DIY our own snack packs with a little popcorn, pretzels, nuts and whatever else is in the pantry so there's always something different!

    6. Make cracker tartines

    I love the idea of replicating popular restaurant dishes for kids. Here are some of my favorite snack-sized tartines using any crisp bread, or favorite flat cracker of your choice as the base. There are no rules and kids love adding toppings and finding new combinations they love.

    • Avocado crackers: Use a cracker and then layer with thinly sliced avocado, a dollop of fresh ricotta cheese topped with roasted pepitas or sunflower seeds.
    • Tacos: The base for this is a black bean spread—just drain a can of black beans, rinse and place into a wide bowl. With a fork or potato masher, lightly smush the beans until chunky. Spread onto your cracker and top with tomato, cheddar cheese and black olives. Try out a dollop of super mild salsa or some lime zest to introduce some new flavor profiles.
    • A play on PB&J: Smear peanut butter, almond or a favorite sun butter on the cracker. I like to get a mix it up a bit and put fresh fruit (strawberries, blueberries and tiny diced apples) and a little bit of dried fruit sprinkled on top.

    7. Pre-make smoothie pops

    The easy part about meal prep is the prep itself, but knowing exactly how much to make ahead is tricky. Freeze a smoothie in popsicle molds to have a healthy treat ready-to-go snack. They're super simple to make: Add any fruit (I like apples, berries, pineapples and mangoes) and veggies (carrots, steamed beet and wilted kale) to a blender with your favorite nut milk until you have consistency just a bit thinner than a smoothie. Pour into your trusty reusable popsicle molds and then into the freezer to make an ice pop so good they could eat them for breakfast.

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    15 toys that will keep your kids entertained inside *and* outside

    They transition seamlessly for indoor play.

    Keeping kids entertained is a battle for all seasons. When it's warm and sunny, the options seem endless. Get them outside and get them moving. When it's cold or rainy, it gets a little tricker.

    So with that in mind, we've rounded up some of the best toys for toddlers and kids that are not only built to last but will easily make the transition from outdoor to indoor play. Even better, many are Montessori-friendly and largely open-ended so your kids can get a ton of use out of them.

    From sunny backyard afternoons to rainy mornings stuck inside, these indoor outdoor toys are sure to keep little ones engaged and entertained.


    Stomp Racers

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    $19.99

    Step2 Up and Down Rollercoaster

    Step2 Up and Down Rollercoaster

    Tiny thrill-seekers will love this kid-powered coaster which will send them (safely) sailing across the backyard or play space. The durable set comes with a high back coaster car and 10.75 feet of track, providing endless opportunities for developing gross motor skills, balance and learning to take turns. The track is made up of three separate pieces which are easy to assemble and take apart for storage (but we don't think it will be put away too often!)

    $139

    Secret Agent play set

    Plan-Toys-Secret-agent-play-set

    This set has everything your little secret agent needs to solve whatever case they might encounter: an ID badge, finger scanner, walkie-talkie handset, L-shaped scale and coloring comic (a printable file is also available for online download) along with a handy belt to carry it all along. Neighborhood watch? Watch out.

    $40

    Stepping Stones

    Stepping-stones

    Kiddos can jump, stretch, climb and balance with these non-slip stepping stones. The 20-piece set can be arranged in countless configurations to create obstacle courses, games or whatever they can dream up.

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    Sand play set

    B. toys Wagon & Beach Playset - Wavy-Wagon Red

    For the littlest ones, it's easy to keep it simple. Take their sand box toys and use them in the bath! This 12-piece set includes a variety of scoops, molds and sifters that can all be stored in sweet little wagon.

    $17.95

    Sensory play set

    kidoozie-sand-and-splash-activity-table

    Filled with sand or water, this compact-sized activity set keeps little ones busy, quiet and happy. (A mama's ideal trifecta 😉). It's big enough to satisfy their play needs but not so big it's going to flood your floors if you bring the fun inside on a rainy day.

    $19.95

    Vintage scooter balance bike

    Janod retro scooter balance bike

    Pedals are so 2010. Balance bikes are the way to go for learning to ride a bike while skipping the training wheels stage altogether. This impossibly cool retro scooter-style is built to cruise the neighborhood or open indoor space as they're learning.

    $121

    Foam pogo stick

    Flybar-my-first-foam-pogo-stick

    Designed for ages 3 and up, My First Flybar offers kiddos who are too young for a pogo stick a frustration-free way to get their jump on. The wide foam base and stretchy bungee cord "stick" is sturdy enough to withstand indoor and outdoor use and makes a super fun addition to driveway obstacle courses and backyard races. Full disclosure—it squeaks when they bounce, but don't let that be a deterrent. One clever reviewer noted that with a pair of needle-nose pliers, you can surgically remove that sucker without damaging the base.

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    Dumptruck 

    green-toys-dump-truck

    Whether they're digging up sand in the backyard or picking up toys inside, kids can get as creative as they want picking up and moving things around. Even better? It's made from recycled plastic milk cartons.

    $22

    Hopper ball

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    Burn off all that extra energy hippity hopping across the lawn or the living room! This hopper ball is one of the top rated versions on Amazon as it's thicker and more durable than most. It also comes with a hand pump to make inflation quick and easy.

    $14.99

    Pull-along ducks

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    There's just something so fun about a classic pull-along toy and we love that they seamlessly transition between indoor and outdoor play. Crafted from solid cherry and beechwood, it's tough enough to endure outdoor spaces your toddler takes it on.

    $16.99

    Rocking chair seesaw

    Slidewhizzer-rocking-chair-seesaw

    This built-to-last rocking seesaw is a fun way to get the wiggles out in the grass or in the playroom. The sturdy design can support up to 77 pounds, so even older kiddos can get in on the action.

    $79.99

    Baby forest fox ride-on

    janod toys baby fox ride on

    Toddlers will love zooming around on this fox ride-on, and it's a great transition toy into traditional balance bikes. If you take it for a driveway adventure, simply use a damp cloth to wipe down the wheels before bringing back inside.

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    Meadow ring toss game

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    Mini golf set

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    Even 5 hours of screen time per day is OK for school-aged kids, says new study

    Researchers found screen time contributes to stronger peer relationships and had no effect on depression and anxiety. So maybe it isn't as bad as we thought?

    MoMo Productions/Getty Images

    If you've internalized some parental guilt about your own child's screen time usage, you're not alone. Numerous studies have shown that exposure to significant amounts of screen time in children leads to an increased risk of depression and behavioral issues, poor sleep and obesity, among other outcomes. Knowing all this can mean you're swallowing a big gulp of guilt every time you unlock the iPad or turn on the TV for your kiddo.

    But is screen time really that bad? New research says maybe not. A study published in September 2021 of 12,000 9- and 10-year-olds found that even when school-aged kids spend up to 5 hours per day on screens (watching TV, texting or playing video games), it doesn't appear to be that harmful to their mental health.

    Researchers found no association between screen usage and depression or anxiety in children at this age.

    In fact, kids who had more access to screen time tended to have more friends and stronger peer relationships, most likely thanks to the social nature of video gaming, social media and texting.


    The correlations between screen time and children's health

    But those big social benefits come with a caveat. The researchers also noted that kids who used screens more frequently were in fact more likely to have attention problems, impacted sleep, poorer academic performance and were more likely to show aggressive behavior.

    Without a randomized controlled trial, it's hard to nail down these effects as being caused directly by screens. The study's authors analyzed data from a nationwide study known as the Adolescent Brain Cognitive Development Study (ABCD Study), the largest long-term study of brain development and children's health in the country. They relied on self-reported levels of screen time from both children and adults (it's funny to note that those reported numbers differed slightly depending on who was asked… ).

    It's important to remember that these outcomes are just correlations—not causations. "We can't say screen time causes the symptoms; instead, maybe more aggressive children are given screen devices as an attempt to distract them and calm their behavior," says Katie Paulich, lead author of the study and a PhD student in the Department of Psychology and Neuroscience. Also worth noting is that a child's socioeconomic status has a 2.5-times-bigger impact on behavior than screens.

    Weighing the benefits with the risks will be up to you as the parent, who knows your child best. And because we live in a digital world, screens are here to stay, meaning parents often have little choice in the matter. It's impossible to say whether recreational screen time is fully "good" or "bad" for kids. It's maybe both.

    "When looking at the strength of the correlations, we see only very modest associations," says Paulich. "That is, any association between screen time and the various outcomes, whether good or bad, is so small it's unlikely to be important at a clinical level." It's all just part of the overall picture.

    A novel look at screen time in adolescents

    The researchers cite a lack of studies examining the relationship between screen time and health outcomes in this specific early-adolescence age group, which is one of the reasons why this study is so groundbreaking. The findings don't apply to younger children—or older adolescents, who may be starting to go through puberty.

    Screen time guidelines do exist for toddlers up to older kids, but up to 1.5 hours per day seems unattainable for many young adolescents, who often have their own smartphones and laptops, or at least regular access to one.

    Of course, more research is needed, but that's where this study can be helpful. The ABCD study will follow the 12,000 participants for another 10 years, following up with annual check-ins. It'll be interesting to see how the findings change over time: Will depression and anxiety as a result of screen time be more prevalent as kids age? We'll have to wait and see.

    The bottom line? Parents should still be the gatekeepers of their child's screen time in terms of access and age-appropriateness, but, "our early research suggests lengthy time on screen is not likely to yield dire consequences," says Paulich.

    Children's health

    Mom and gorilla bond over their babies at the zoo: ‘It was so beautiful’

    The new mothers shared a special moment at a Boston zoo.

    Franklin Park Zoo/YouTube

    Motherhood knows no bounds.

    When Kiki the gorilla spotted a new mom and baby visiting her habitat at the Franklin Park Zoo in Boston, she immediately took a liking to the pair. Emmelina Austin held her five-week-old son Canyon to the glass so Kiki could get a better look.

    The gorilla spent nearly five minutes happily pointing and staring at baby Canyon.


    Emmelina's husband captured the sweet moment on his phone, in a video that's now gone viral.

    Mother shares unique maternal bond with gorilla (FULL VIDEO) www.youtube.com

    Why was Kiki so interested in her tiny visitor? Possibly because Kiki's a new mom herself. Her fifth baby, Pablo, was born in October.

    Near the end of the video, Kiki scooped up Pablo and held him close. The new moms held their baby boys to the glass and shared a special moment together: just a couple of mothers, showing off their little ones.

    "When I walked into the zoo that day, I never could've imagined that we would have had that experience," Austin told ABC News. "It was so beautiful, and we walked out just over the moon."

    We can't get enough of the sweet exchange. There's something special about sharing your little one with the world. Mothers of all ages, races–and it turns out, species–understand.

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