90 mom jokes from some of the funniest moms on the internet

These blow dad jokes out of the water.

woman laughing at computer
wilsvanzyl/Twenty20

Have some of the most hilarious and memorable moments happened to you since you've been a mom? Us too. These moms have taken to Twitter, TikTok, and more to share their funny mom jokes, whether they're about relatable parenting experiences, funny stuff kids say or straight-up hilarious one-liners. Celebrities like Reese Witherspoon and Carrie Underwood also have good mom jokes up their sleeves—after all, mom life is universally funny. (And it should go without saying, but mom jokes are way funnier than dad jokes.)

To celebrate the hilarious joys of being a mother, we've rounded up the funniest tweets, quotes, and Tiktok videos by moms, for moms. Read them, retell them, share them—hopefully they'll have you in tears (...of laughter, of course!).


  1. Daughter: You're invading my personal space
    Mom: You came out of my personal space
    - @_mo_lee_
  2. How to bake with toddlers: Don't - @reallifemommy3
  3. My 7 year-old has a lot of sass for someone who needed help getting out of her pants because she put both legs in the same hole. - @not_thenanny
  4. I put my symptoms into WebMD; it turns out I just have kids. - @sarcasticmommy4
  5. Every morning my kid gets an all you cannot eat buffet. - @LMemeit
  6. What do we want?
    SNACKS!
    When do we want em?
    AFTER DINNER! - kids.
    - @momtransparent1
  7. I've never done CrossFit, but I have buckled a screaming toddler into a car seat. - @mommajessiec
  8. It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn't finish… - Carrie Underwood
  9. Watching Frozen 2 without your kid is self care. - @lifeattiffanys
  10. My 18-month-old just handed me her diaper, then peed on my feet. - @lmegordon
  11. Who writes these parenting books anyway? I would have found a chapter on "Your Child Will Wake You By Peering Into Your Soul" helpful. - @jacanamommy
  12. I told my kid what we're having for dinner, and she replied, "Man, I just can't win today." - @orangecrushable
  13. "Your kids are so smart!"
    Me: thanks! they watch a lot of YouTube
    - @BunAndLeggings
  14. 7yo: Mommy when were you born?
    10yo: In the 1900s
    Me: Hey! That's not true. I'm not THAT old. I was born in 19.....oh no
    7yo: Wow, you're like museum old
    - @Kids_kubed
  15. I was feeling pretty smug about how clean my house is. Then I remembered there's an upstairs - @lmegordon
  16. Before kids: Netflix & Chill
    After kids: Netflix & Yell Go To Bed
    - @mommajessiec
  17. There's an old saying about raising kids: The days are long. The days are so, so long. I don't remember the rest. - @lmegordon
  18. Parenting books don't prepare you for your teens hoarding all of your dishes & silverware in their bedrooms. - @sarcasticmommy4
  19. My daughter said "it's cold, but it's a beautiful day." Ppl w no bills are so positive. - @DontWorryBoutB
  20. My daughter is asking the tooth fairy for $100, "because I really liked that tooth." - @marascampo
  21. Nothing ruins my day faster than my kid asking what's for dinner at breakfast. - @mom_needsalife
  22. No one:
    Absolutely no one:
    My 4yo: When I was in your tummy it was super gross in there
    - @pro_worrier_
  23. Do you not get enough sleep?
    Do you never have any time for yourself?
    Do you long for the days of sleeping in, the sound of silence or actually showing up on time for anything at all?
    Then you may be suffering from Kid Insanity Distress Syndrome. Otherwise known as KIDS.
    - @stayathomies
  24. Me: I'm so sorry I forgot your name! I'm really, really bad with names. But I never forget a face.
    My Kid: Really, mom???
    - @AnnaDoesntWant2
  25. 8yo: mummy when you come back from the supermarket I want to tell you all about my Minecraft village
    Me: oh cool *never comes back*
    - @MumInBits
  26. "Hey, I found this great hike we can take the kids on!" and other threats I say to my husband. - @momandburied1
  27. Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I'd have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party. - @gfishandnuggets
  28. I knew parenting would involve a lot of crying but didn't realize so much of it would be from me. - @SnarkyMommy78
  29. If you're looking for a confidence boost showing your kids photos from your past is not the answer.
    I know this now.
    - @OneFunnyMummy
  30. My son's blood type is Parmesan. - @LMemeit
  31. Picked my son up from his first day of in-person learning. I asked him how it went.
    "My teacher's bald spot is a lot bigger in person."
    - @sarcasticmommy4
  32. 5-step guide to baking with kids:
    Step 1: scroll through blog for 3 hours until you find actual recipe
    Step 2: yell at kids
    Step 3: burn cookies
    Step 4: buy new kitchen
    Step 5: hide under laundry pile wondering where it all went wrong
    - @MumInBits
  33. My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
    I may have over sold the "you can do anything you set your mind to" narrative.
    - @PetrickSara
  34. My kid practicing the Jurassic Park theme song on the recorder for a week straight is my supervillain origin story. - @ramblinma
  35. 4yo: I love you so much I'm gonna stay with you forever!
    Me: Shut your mouth right now
    - @mom_ontherocks
  36. My favorite recipe is the one where I pick up the phone & order take out. - @sarcasticmommy4
  37. 4yo: mom was i in your tummy?
    me: yep!
    4yo: who is in there now?
    me: no one
    4yo: then why is it so big?
    husband: oh no
    - @mom_tho
  38. Once upon a time a woman had kids and she was exhausted the end. - @MumInBits
  39. 4yo: I'm a dragon
    6yo: Don't worry Mom, I'm a Pokémon trainer so I can train her.
    Me: No one can 'train' her.
    - @AmandaRNH
  40. Me: Alexa, set a 5 minute timer
    **5 minutes later**
    Alexa: he's still crying, would you like add wine to your shopping list?
    - @snarkymomtobe
  41. Parenting is 99% getting roasted by your kids. - @MotherPlaylist
  42. Me: can I play with you
    Toddler: no thank you
    M: may I have an apple slice
    T: no thank you
    M: I'm going to watch my show
    T: no thank you
    - A Polite Tyrant
    - @snarkymomtobe
  43. I always say if you aren't yelling at your kids, you're not spending enough time with them. - Reese Witherspoon
  44. 7yo: "Can I have more apple juice please?"
    Me: "Yes, thank you for asking nicely."
    7yo: "I wasn't trying to."
    - @MomWhineRepeat
  45. Before Kids: We mowed the lawn last month, no need to mow it again so soon
    After Kids: Honey! I'm going out to mow the lawn, I know I did it yesterday but it's growing crazy fast this year
    - @reallifemommy3
  46. I want to give up wine for the new year, but like, my kids still live here - @saltymermaident
  47. A teardrop tattoo for every homemade dinner kids refuse to eat. - @MotherPlaylist
  48. Do kids have any other setting than "full speed ahead"? - @WhiteGirlChelle
  49. Me: I'll never be like my parents
    Also me: If you kids don't stop fighting, I'll pull this car over and you can walk home! - @_goaskyourdad_
  50. I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids' middle names. - @Marlebean
  51. Sometimes I think about the fact that my oldest daughter's name means peace and I laugh so hard that I cry. - @sarabellab123
  52. Yeah my kid rides her bike inside. Without clothes. And helmets. While I ignore her and look at my phone. - Pink
  53. Current status: 4yo is beating me at a game I'm not even playing. - @AnnaDoesntWant2
  54. Taylor Swift needs to write a song about the heartache of leaving a grocery list at home. - @mommajessiec
  55. Turned the crock pot on low and went to work, easy healthy dinner!
    Came home to a cold crock pot, sigh. Pizza it is! - @momsense_ensues
  56. 6yo: "I can't wait to get married so I never have to do chores again." - @stayathomies
  57. Who's the contact in HR when your kids are yelling at you because the vacuum's too loud but their yelling is way louder than the vacuum - @MumInBits
  58. If you don't use your mom voice on Alexa are you even a parent in the 21st century? - @dishs_up
  59. 4: mama you're a sweet tomato!
    Me: Aw thank y-
    4: because you're round
    Me: …
    4yo: and plumpy
    Me: go to your room
    - @michimama75
  60. 4yo: mummy are you going to put make up on you look weird

    turns out I do have a least favourite kid
    - @MumInBits
  61. Me: how about a bath tonight
    2yo: how about no
    Me:
    - my toddler becomes me, a memoir
    - @snarkymomtobe
  62. 5yo: Mom, what does C P X A R Q Y T M spell?
    Me: I don't think that spells anything, sweetie.
    5yo: Ok. I thought you said you could read.
    Me:
    - @sarabellab123
  63. 4yo: *whining because I'm not getting her snack ready fast enough*
    Me: you need patience
    4yo: I DON'T WANT PATIENCE
    - @SnarkyMommy78
  64. Parenting is 70% me yelling, 20% asking the kids why they're yelling, & 10% trying to find where I left my coffee. - @mom_needsalife
  65. Awoke to my child having a "screaming contest" with the puppy... probably don't talk to me today - @itsdeenalang
  66. I called out to my daughter to ask where she was and she said she was in the poop zone. In case you were wondering. - @LMemeit
  67. Sometimes as a parent you just need to declare a Chicken Nugget Picnic for dinner and call it a win. - @gfishandnuggets
  68. Somewhere there's a parent, driving alone, stuck behind a slow moving truck and they're thinking, "I don't care how long this takes" - @motherplaylist
  69. My kid's superpower is falling over while standing still - @MumInBits
  70. 7yo: So mama, what do you want for your birthday?
    Me: Well, I'd like to take a long nap
    7yo: Um ok... but something that you can actually have
    Me:
    - @motherplaylist
  71. [Watching The Help]
    Me: You is kind. You is smart. You is important.
    11yo: Ha! You're more like, "Be nice or I'll take away your phone."
    - @ksujulie
  72. When I told my daughter she needed to "use her words" I didn't think she'd use ALL of them, every waking hour of every single day. - @sarabellab123
  73. "This is my mother's recipe," I say, as I serve a batch of Pillsbury rolls. - @lmegordon
  74. Kid: I love you to the moon and back.
    Me: I love you more than all grains of sand on the world's beaches.
    Kid: I dunno. That's a lot of sand.
    - @FromMinivan
  75. Pretty sure my son's favorite hobby is outgrowing his clothing before the end of the season. - @PetrickSara
  76. 14yo: Were you trying to be funny?
    Me: Well. Yes.
    14yo: UGH. Don't do that.
    - @VerbsRProudest
  77. If children are involved it's not a vacation, it's a trip - @mxmclain
  78. Is it...is it...dead?
    [visibly upset]
    Finding your kid's tablet and hoping for the best
    - @memes_byashley
  79. *When you have kids*
    *How many days has your hair been in a bun this week?*
    Mom: 3, 4, 5… all of them.
    - @sandybartistry Find the TikTok video here.
  80. Kid: Mom, you want to play "would you rather"?
    Mom: Sure
    Kid: Would you rather have 10 babies or have your head chopped off?
    Mom: *thinks in silence*
    - @fiveoclockmommy Find the TikTok video here.
  81. *Me thinking I can finally relax after the kids go to bed*
    *Kid enters*
    Kid: "I had a bad dream!"
    Kid: "I'm thirsty!"
    Kid: "My stomach hurts!"
    Kid: "I forgot to tell you this thing that happened today in Fortnite!"
    - @nicolederoy Find the TikTok video here.
  82. My kids wanted to know what it was like being a Mom, so I work them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off
    - @nicolederoy Find the TikTok video here.
  83. *Define 'toddler'*
    Friend: What's the definition of a toddler?
    Mom: The face of a baby, the attitude of a teenage girl, and the ability to go from angel to psychopath in 2.7 seconds flat.
    - @alexandrafisherrr Find the TikTok video here.
  84. *When your kid interrupts you while you're on the phone*
    Kid: Mom
    Mom: Hold on
    Kid: Mom
    Mom: Hold on
    Kid: Mom
    Mom: Hold on
    Kid: Mom
    Mom: I'm on the phone
    Kid: Mom
    Mom: Hold on
    Kid: Mom
    Mom: WHAAAAAAAT
    - @sandybartistry Find the TikTok video here.
  85. *When they ask how homeschooling is going*

Mom: I'm fine

*grabs wine*

Mom: Totally fine!

*opens wine*
Mom: I don't know why this is coming out all loud and squeaky, because really, I'm fine.
- @courteink Find the TikTok video here.

86. *Moms just trying to go pee by themselves*

*Mom thinks she's alone in the bathroom and relaxes*

*Kids pop out of shower and surprise Mom*

- @raising_krazies Find the TikTok video here.

87. *Mom asks toddler to grab you toilet paper*

*toddler brings back a notepad, feather, their toys... *

- @fiveoclockmommy Find the TikTok video here.

88. *Morning mom vs. night mom*

Morning Mommy: buys groceries and plans healthy dinner for the week

Night Time Mommy: orders delivery

- @fiveoclockmommy Find the TikTok video here.

89. *When I say I'm a cool mom…"

When I say I'm not a regular mom, I'm a cool mom

What I really mean is I'm less of a 'don't say that mom'...

And more of a 'don't say that at school' kind of mom.
- @therealamberrose Find the TikTok video here.

FEATURED VIDEO

90. *When you throw out your kid's toy*

Son: Mommy do you know where my harmonica went?

Me *after throwing it out last night*: No…

Son: But it's missing!!!!

Me: How bizarre!!
- @alexandrafisherrr Find the TikTok video here.

Simrin is a freelance journalist based in Vancouver, Canada, covering everything from entertainment to lifestyle. When she isn't working her day job in Tech, she's watching The Real Housewives and googling everything and anything about the latest pop-culture news with a coffee in hand. You can follow her on Instagram @simrin.p.

In This Article