A modern lifestyle brand redefining motherhood

I realized I didn’t have to grieve my miscarriage alone

[Trigger warning: This essay describes one woman's emotional journey with miscarriage.]

Yesterday I was 8 weeks and 4 days pregnant.

I'm miscarrying right now as I write this. I don't want to cry anymore, and I can't have my partner hold me because he's outside keeping our 2-year-old busy so I can just be. He's enabling me to go through this without a toddler jumping on my stomach or crying between my legs while I sit on the toilet.

I live abroad and my mom is asleep now, though I'm tempted to wake her up and cry with her. Instead, I decided to write. It always help me.

I'm grief stricken.

You go through two months or more or less of morning sickness and exhaustion, through extreme hormonal changes and getting out your maternity clothes because you're already showing. Two months of excitement and complaints and anticipation and concerns. You change your diet. You are pregnant.

And then you have cramps and a bit of spotting. You read about it and find it's totally normal. You want to feel reassured but you worry.

You go in for an ultrasound. Doctor sees the baby. You want to feel reassured but you worry.

Then 45 minutes later, back at home, I started bleeding just enough to scare me. Some clotting, then only spotting again. I felt hopeful.

I sleep. I rest. At 9 am the next morning, it really started happening. And I knew that I was losing my baby.

I sobbed. Because I wanted this baby. Because my body hurt. Because I went through two months of pregnancy for nothing. Because I was so happy and now I feel hopeless. Because I just lost the life I was nurturing. Again. And it's devastating. Because my 2-year-old was so happy there was a baby in my belly button, ready to be a big brother.

And already, my mind is calculating if I could still have another baby before I turned 39— three months rest, pregnant on the fourth month—it could work.

Then I return to the present moment, to feeling so very alone.

**

The next day I did something that felt quite brave. I called my friend. And she came.

She hugged me and kissed me and cried with me. Then she made me French toast and a chai latte. Another friend stopped by to deliver apples from her tree and was greeted at the gate with news of my miscarriage. She came in and hugged and kissed and laughed and loved with me. We all drank more chai. Liz, who made breakfast, cleaned my kitchen and hung my laundry. They played with my toddler. They made me feel so much less alone in my grief.

I am so grateful I called. It felt so overwhelming and frightening to reach out, I don't know why, and yet the support I received from them was quick and full-hearted.

In the afternoon, the same dear friend returned to take my toddler with her kids to the park.

Another friend stopped by who heard the news. She shared her stories with me. She offered to make me soup.

The night was hard. I woke up with cramps and grief. I woke up feeling hollow, but not alone.

The morning was hard. I swept the kitchen and I clutched my belly.

But my 2-year-old kept kissing me and touching my belly and checking in. And my husband dragged his exhausted self out of bed to make me breakfast and coffee. He did dishes before heading off to work. My friend Liz took my kid again to play with hers.

And I know that I will make it through this, with so much love and support. I didn't have that the first time I miscarried. There were no kisses from a 2-year-old, no friends calling, no husband checking in—he was here of course, but he was unable to cope with the reality that we'd lost the baby we'd been trying for for years.

This time has felt different. It still hurts. And I still grieve. But I feel sure that I'll be okay. My village promised me, and I trust that.

You might also like:

Who said motherhood doesn't come with a manual?

Subscribe to get inspiration and super helpful ideas to rock your #momlife. Motherhood looks amazing on you.

Already a subscriber? Log in here.

Parents in New Jersey will soon get more money and more time for parental leave after welcoming a baby.

This week New Jersey Governor Phil Murphy signed off on legislation that extends New Jersey's paid family leave from six weeks to 12.

It also increases the benefit cap from 53% of the average weekly wage to 70%, meaning the maximum benefit for a parent on family leave will be $860 a week, up from $650.

It might not seem like a huge difference, but by raising the benefit from two-thirds of a parent's pay to 85%, lawmakers in New Jersey are hoping to encourage more parents to actually take leave, which is good for the parents, their baby and their family. "Especially for that new mom and dad, we know that more time spent bonding with a child can lead to a better long-term outcome for that child," Murphy said at a press conference this week.

The law will also make it easier for people to take time off when a family member is sick.

Because NJ's paid leave is funded through payroll deductions, workers could see an increase in those deductions, but Murphy is betting that workers and businesses will see the benefits in increasing paid leave benefits. "Morale goes up, productivity goes up, and more money goes into the system," Murphy said. "And increasingly, companies big and small realize that a happy workforce and a secure workforce is a key ingredient to their success."

The new benefits will go into effect in July 2020 (making next Halloween a good time to get pregnant in the Garden State).

You might also like:

Whether you just need to stock up on diapers or you've had your eye on a specific piece of baby gear, you might want to swing by your local Walmart this Saturday, February 23rd.

Walmart's big "Baby Savings Day" is happening from 10:30 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. at participating Walmarts (but more deals can be found online at Walmart.com already and the website deals are happening for the rest of the month).

About 3,000 of the 3,570 Supercenter locations are participating in the sale (check here to see if your local Walmart is).

The deals vary, but in general you can expect up to 30% off on items like cribs, strollers, car seats, wipes, diapers and formula.

Some items, like this Graco Modes 3 Lite Travel System have been marked down by more than $100. Other hot items include this Lille Baby Complete Carrier (It's usually $119, going for $99 during the sale) and the Graco 4Ever 4-in-1 Convertible Car Seat (for as low as $199).

So if you're in need of baby gear, you should check out this sale. Travel gear isn't the only category that's been marked down, there are some steep discounts on breast pumps, too.

Many of the Walmart locations will also be offering samples and expert demos of certain products on Saturday so it's worth checking out!

Motherly is your daily #momlife manual; we are here to help you easily find the best, most beautiful products for your life that actually work. We share what we love—and we may receive a commission if you choose to buy. You've got this.

You might also like:

Any Schumer has not had an easy pregnancy. She intended to keep working, but if you follow her on social media you know she's been very sick through each trimester.

And now in her final trimester she's had to cancel her tour due to hyperemesis gravidarum, also known as HG. It's a rare but very serious form of extreme morning sickness, and on Friday evening Schumer announced she is canceling the rest of her tour because of it.

“I vomit every time [I] ride in a car even for 5 minutes," Schumer explained in an Instagram post.

Due to the constant vomiting she's not cleared to fly and just can't continue to the tour.

This is not the first time Schumer has had to make an announcement about HG. Back in November, just weeks after announcing her pregnancy, she had to cancel shows and again broke the news via Instagram.

She posted a photo of herself in a hospital bed with her little dog Tati, and spelled out the details of her health issues in the caption. "I have hyperemesis and it blows," Schumer wrote.

Poor Amy. Hyperemesis gravidarum is really tough.

Kate Middleton, Ayesha Curry and Motherly co-founder Elizabeth Tenety are among those who, like Schumer, have suffered from this form of severe morning sickness that can be totally debilitating.

As she previously wrote for Motherly, Tenety remembers becoming desperately ill, being confined to her apartment (mostly her bed) and never being far from a trash can, "I lost 10% of my body weight. I became severely dehydrated. I couldn't work. I couldn't even get out of bed. I could barely talk on the phone to tell my doctor how sick I was—begging them to please give me something, anything—to help."

Thankfully, she found relief through a prescription for Zofran, an anti-nausea drug.


Schumer probably knows all about that drug. It looks she is getting the medical help she obviously needs, and she was totally right to cancel the tour in order to stay as healthy as possible.

We're glad to see Schumer is getting help, and totally understand why she would have to cancel her shows. Any mama who has been through HG will tell you, that wouldn't be a show you'd want front row seats for anyway.

Get well soon, Amy!

[A version of this post was published November 15, 2018. It has been updated.]

You might also like:

As a military spouse, Cydney Cooper is used to doing things alone. But when she delivered her twin daughters early after complications due to Influenza A, she was missing her husband Skylar more than ever.

Recovering from the flu and an emergency C-section, and trying to parent the couple's two older boys and be with her new infant daughters in the NICU, Cydney was exhausted and scared and just wanted her husband who was deployed in Kuwait with the Army and wasn't expected home for weeks.

Alone in the NICU 12 days after giving birth, Cydney was texting an update on the twins to her husband when he walked through the door to shoulder some of the massive burden this mama was carrying.

"I was typing up their summary as best I could and trying to remember every detail to tell him when I looked up and saw him standing there. Shock, relief, and the feeling that everything was just alright hit me at once. I just finally let go," she explains in a statement to Motherly.

The moment was captured on video thanks to a family member who was in on Skylar's surprise and the reunion has now gone viral, having been viewed millions of times. It's an incredible moment for the couple who hadn't seen each other since Skylar had a three-day pass in seven months earlier.

Cydney had been caring for the couple's two boys and progressing in her pregnancy when, just over a week before the viral video was taken, she tested positive for Influenza A and went into preterm labor. "My husband was gone, my babies were early, I had the flu, and I was terrified," she tells Motherly.

"Over the next 48 hours they were able to stop my labor and I was discharged from the hospital. It only lasted two days and I went right back up and was in full on labor that was too far to stop."

Cydney needed an emergency C-section due to the babies' positioning, and her medical team could not allow anyone who had previously been around her into the operating room because anyone close to Cydney had been exposed to the flu.

"So I went in alone. The nurses and doctors were wonderful and held my hand through the entire thing but at the same time, I felt very very alone and scared. [Skylar] had been present for our first two and he was my rock and I didn't have him when I wanted him the most. But I did it! He was messaging me the second they wheeled me to recovery. Little did I know he was already working on being on his way."

When he found out his baby girls were coming early Skylar did everything he could to get home, and seeing him walk into the NICU is a moment Cydney will hold in her heart and her memory forever. "I had been having to hop back and forth from our sons to our daughters and felt guilty constantly because I couldn't be with all of them especially with their dad gone. It was one of the most amazing moments of my life and I won't be forgetting it."

It's so hard for a military spouse to do everything alone after a baby comes, and the military does recognize this. Just last month the Army doubled the amount of leave qualifying secondary caregivers (most often dads) can take after a birth or adoption, from 10 days to 21 so that moms like Cydney don't have to do it all alone.

You might also like:

Motherly provides information of a general nature and is designed for educational purposes only. This site does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment.Your use of the site indicates your agreement to be bound by our  Terms of Use and Privacy Policy. Information on our advertising guidelines can be found here.