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In the absence of a village, build your own

The time when you need a village the most also happens to be the time when it’s hardest to build one.

In the absence of a village, build your own

Do you feel like you have a village? People to rely on when you’re in a bind, friends to turn to when you think you can’t handle one. more. nursing session, one more set of misplaced keys, one more disagreement with your spouse, one more toddler tantrum?


I recently received this text from my sister-in-law, who lives two states away—

“I’m going to call and order you guys pizza ?? for dinner tonight.”

My husband had been in China for almost two weeks, and my sweet sister-in-law figured I could use an easy night with no cooking and no cleanup. (I’d do anything for no cleanup.)

It occurred to me that even though she is 600 miles away, my sister-in-law is part of my village. The distance that separates us doesn’t have to keep us from supporting each other.

But man, this village thing? It’s a tricky concept.

Some of us feel like we don’t have one, like we live too far away from family to lean on them and we’re too busy running our lives to really invest in our friendships.

Others of us feel village-less… that is, until our kid breaks an arm and friends start appearing with balloons and Sharpies.

Others still are trying desperately to build a village but keep running into obstacles.

In this beautiful article, writer and life coach Beth Berry highlights one of the things that makes modern village-building so exasperating—

“We’re forced to create our tribes during seasons of our life when we have the least time and energy to do so.”

Absolutely! The time when you need a village the most also happens to be the time when it’s hardest to build one.

After stewing it over in my mind for the eight years (what?!) that I’ve been a mother, and after discussing it with many people, I’ve pulled together some of the most common barriers and most powerful tips—to help you slowly but surely build a village you can fall back on.

Barriers to finding your village—

1. The age of fellow moms in your life—and the ages of their children

It can be easier to relate when ages (loosely) line up.

2. The arrangement of work and life

For example, mothers who work outside the home may have a hard time connecting with moms who stay home. There are only so many hours in the day…

3. The courage it requires to reach out to another woman

This is a big barrier for many of us, because no matter how good the woman’s reason for not picking up your offer, it can still feel like rejection. We thought we left that feeling behind with our dating years. ?

4. The feeling that the women around you already have a village in place

This can be exacerbated by social media, where people often appear secure and connected when in reality they may need someone as much as you do.

5. A fragmented village

Maybe you have people who care about you and people you care about, but when those people don’t live in the same place or don’t know each other, you may not feel the security of a supportive network.

So, here are 6 critical tips to help you build your village—

1. First, believe that you don’t have to do motherhood on your own

What would it be like knowing your children could play in your neighborhood with other watchful, protective eyes on them? What would it be like to know that encouragement was only a text away or that in your lowest moments you could just show up on a friend’s doorstep, no questions asked?

“When my twins were born, I built my village. My parents, in-laws, sitters I trusted, friends to text when I felt ready to give up… I only wish I had built it with my first baby, instead of believing I was mama bear and had to do it all alone!”
Melissa Hunter-Noori

2. Next, get comfortable (ironically) with vulnerability

One of the advantages (if you can call it that) of not having a village is that no one has to know that you don’t always have it together—that you are exhausted and lonely and can’t see above your laundry pile.

But with that comes the feeling that you’re parenting in a vacuum. Without girlfriends and family to witness your life (the good and the bad), it almost feels like you aren’t really living it—you’re marking time instead of experiencing it.

Vulnerability allows us to take friendships to a much more meaningful level, and in turn we find ourselves feeling happier and more comfortable in our own skin because of the authenticity we’ve developed in the safety of close relationships.

“I have learned to drop the façade and lay it all out, and in return they do the same.”
Mary Stockton

3. Watch for women you can bring in

“I put myself out there over and over and it seems everyone is happy with the status quo—their current situation, friend-wise.”
Chelsie Hatch

A village gets stronger with numbers. If you already have a support network, keep your eyes open for women like Chelsie who might need what you can offer. Be a people connector.

4. Keep working on YOU

I was so inspired by Tina’s comment on Facebook—

“For those who are yearning for a community connection, keep working on yourselves until the right women are presented to you. Your vibe attracts your tribe.”
Tina Jheeta

Your vibe attracts your tribe. I couldn’t agree more.

5. Ask for help and accept it when it’s offered

I would have been fine without the pizza that my sister-in-law ordered for me. We could have eaten cold cereal that night. She knew that. But she also knew that sometimes it’s not really about the action; it’s about knowing that someone is there for you.

Accept that feeling wholeheartedly when it’s offered to you.

6. Offer YOUR help

I saved the most crucial element for last. Being willing to help others—to be their village—is the biggest key to creating one.

“I am responsible for creating my own village. I realized it was about reaching out to other moms and being of service to them. That is where my village came from.”
Amanda Roberts

I’ve noticed that in my own life, the people who help me and the people I help—that’s where it’s at.

I know it’s not nearly as easy as following six simple steps. Not nearly so easy. It takes courage to reach out, to risk rejection, even for something you know has huge power to affect your happiness and the wellbeing of your family. But…

Let’s reach out. Let’s open our eyes to the village we do have. Let’s nurture it. Connect our friends. Help them. Invest in them. Let them invest in us.


This article was originally published on Let Why Lead.

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As much as I love fall, it always feels like the season when my family's routine gets kicked into overdrive. With our oldest in (homeschool) kindergarten, my youngest on the brink of entering her twos, work, housework and *all the things* filling my day, it's hard not to feel a little overwhelmed sometimes. Did I mention we're still in a pandemic? (Yeah, it's a lot.) And while I try to take a positive view as much as I can, now more than ever I definitely jump at the chance to take anything off my busy plate.

One thing first in line at the chopping block? Cooking. To be fair, I like cooking. I cooked most of our meals long before I had ever even heard of social distancing. But there's something about the pandemic that suddenly made cooking every single meal feel exponentially more draining.

Enter Daily Harvest. They deliver nourishing, delicious food right to your door. Daily Harvest's mix of smoothies, bowls, flatbreads, snacks and more provide a balanced, whole food options that are as satisfying as they are nutritious. But my favorite part? When we're ready to eat, I simply pull the food from the freezer and it's ready in minutes—without any chopping, measuring or searching for a recipe. Even better, they're incredibly tasty, meaning I'm not struggling to get my girls to dig in. Not cooking has never felt so good.

Here are my 8 favorite products that are helping to lighten my load right now:

Mulberry + Dragonfruit Oat Bowl

Mulberry + Dragonfruit Oat Bowl

One thing that actually helps break up the monotony of quarantine? Trying and introducing new ingredients to my family. I love this overnight oat bowl (add milk the night before and let it set in your fridge overnight—easy-peasy!) because not only does it not compromise on nutrition, but it also helps me bring new whole fruits, vegetables and superfoods to the table with ease.

Mint + Cacao Smoothie

Mint + Cacao Smoothie

I kid you not, these taste exactly like a mint chocolate chip milkshake. (Just ask my 4-year-old, who is constantly stealing sips from my glass.) What she doesn't know? She's actually getting organic banana, spinach and chlorella with every sip. #momwin

Kabocha + Sage Flatbread

Kabocha + Sage Flatbread

Our family's eating habits have been leaning more plant-forward this year, which often means a lot of veggie washing, peeling and chopping every time I cook. That's why these flatbreads are my new best friend come lunchtime. This Kabocha + Sage Flatbread is made with a gluten-free cauliflower crust topped with kabocha squash, fennel and sage for a taste of fall in every bite. (Missing the cheese? You can add it before baking for more of a pizza feel.)

Kale + Sweet Potato Flatbread

Kale + Sweet Potato Flatbread

There's something about the combination of sweet potato crust topped with red cabbage, organic greens and an herby-cilantro sauce that is so delicious… like surprisingly delicious. I polished off this bad boy in seconds! And unlike other "veggie" crusts I've tried, these are actually clean (AKA no fillers, preservations, partially-hydrogenated oil or artificial anything). Plus, it couldn't be easier to throw in the oven between conference calls and homeschool lessons.

Cacao + Avocado Smoothie

Cacao + Avocado Smoothie

Any time I get to serve a breakfast that tastes like chocolate, it's a good day. (That goes double when it's *my* breakfast.) This rich, chocolatey smoothie is packed with organic zucchini, avocado, pumpkin seeds and pea protein for a nourishing mix of healthy fats and muscle-building protein so I can carry that baby all day long. And did I mention the chocolate?

Vanilla Bean + Apple Chia Bowl

Vanilla Bean + Apple Chia Bowl

Maybe it's just me, but after a long week of cooking, the last thing I want to do on Saturday morning is...wake up and cook. That's why these one-step breakfasts are saving my weekend. I simply add our favorite milk the night before and store the bowl in the fridge overnight. Come morning, I have a nutritious chia bowl that powers me through even the busiest day of errands. It's also Instagram-ready, which makes me feel like I'm out brunching (even if I can't remember the last time I was in a restaurant).

Cacao Nib + Vanilla Bites

Cacao Nib + Vanilla Bites

My kids have turned into snack monsters during quarantine, and I'm often struggling to find a wholesome option (that doesn't require a lot of extra cooking or else I resort to something ultra-refined and shelf-stable). These bites are the hero I never knew I needed. For one, they taste like cookie dough, but they're actually packed with chickpeas, pumpkin, dates and flax seed (among other whole ingredients). But unlike actual cookie dough, I don't have to go anywhere near my mixer to whip them up—all I have to do is pull the container out of the freezer, let them defrost a bit and we can all enjoy a treat.

Cauliflower Rice + Pesto Harvest Bowl

Cauliflower Rice + Pesto Harvest Bowl

Sometimes I have a little more time to cook, but I still want a quick, stress-free solution. (Especially because it always feels like I just cleaned up from the last meal.) I love these Harvest Bowls because they warm up in under five minutes on the stove top (or microwave!) but pack tons of flavor. The Cauliflower Rice + Pesto bowl is one of my favorites, with basil, olive oil and nutritional yeast for a hearty dish reminiscent of a mouth-watering Italian meal. When I'm feeling extra fancy, I add leftover grilled chicken or a fried egg.

Strawberry + Rich, Rippled Berry Compote Scoops

Strawberry + Rich, Rippled Berry Compote Scoops

Who doesn't want to end the day with a little something sweet? This creamy and decadent frozen treat from Daily Harvest is swirled with sweet berries and tropical dragonfruit for an antioxidant burst you'll feel good about—but that your kiddos will just think is ice cream. Go ahead, take credit for being the best mom ever.

Want to try it yourself? You can get $25 off your first box of Daily Harvest with code MOTHERLY.

This article was sponsored by Daily Harvest. Thank you for supporting the brands that support Motherly and mamas

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