A modern lifestyle brand redefining motherhood

Motherhood brings out so many fears—but you’re stronger than all of them, mama

Print Friendly and PDF

It's 4 am, I'm nodding off in the rocking chair as my 1-month-old baby feeds for the fourth time since I initially "went to bed," and fear sets in—morning is almost here again. Another day that's beautiful in its own right yet is packed with the worry that inevitably goes along with owning the privilege and title of "mother."

Before I had kids, I thought I was invincible. I thought I was bold and brash and so, so strong. But fearlessness just a few years ago had a much different face. It was about jumping out of airplanes. Bungee jumping. Traveling solo abroad. Standing up for myself in adverse situations. My personal fears before kids were few and conquering them mattered only to one person—me.

Those things all seem so simple now. Jump out of an airplane? Gladly. Propel my bungeed body off a bridge? In a second. Travel abroad? Yup. Try it with two tiny kids. Stand up for yourself and others? Obviously. Now teach your toddler daughter to do the same.

I now have a different definition of fearlessness. Because motherhood doesn't come with a parachute or a bungee cord. It doesn't come with a map or a guidebook. Today's fears are plentiful yet take on a much different tune.

FEATURED VIDEO

Maybe you can relate, mama:

Fear that the baby will wake up and I, once again, won't get any sleep

After every late-night and wee-morning-hour feeding, I swaddle my baby boy, hold my breath, and ever-so-delicately place him in his crib. It's as if I'm holding lit sticks of dynamite, praying that they won't explode in my face. Because before kids I relied on a solid nine hours, and now I'm the zombie who feels good about a two-hour stretch.

But despite my exhaustion, I know this time is fleeting. That in a matter of weeks, these bleary-eyed feedings will be a thing of the past. That in a matter of months, these middle-of-the-night snuggles with the world's softest skin will be gone forever. Who needs sleep anyway? As they say: sleep is for the weak.

Fear that my body will never be the same

It's been stretched out, stitched up, scratched raw, and sucked dry. My shoulders hunch to cradle a nursing infant. My stomach's not what it was. And, while temporary, every inch of me seems to be constantly soaked in human milk.

But every imperfection is worth it. And I'm getting stronger every day. From daily trips up and down the stairs while carrying not one but two kids. I'm back in my happy place, on the ski slopes, six weeks postpartum. I make time for weekly yoga classes—they help me walk a little taller and open my heart up again. My body is by no means perfect, but it never was. Never will be. But, I'm up for the challenge.

Fear that the screaming baby will create distance between my partner and myself that we'll never be able to recoup

Screaming kids put no one at ease. Especially when it's in your home. Your safe space. At a time when it's natural to be sleeping. (Or during the day, for that matter.) Screaming is an animalistic sensibility that puts people in survival mode and when you're running on fumes while trying to appease a toddler, it creates a level of stress we didn't know existed.

But take a minute to remove yourself from the situation. Before the babies, it was just you and your love. Your sweetie. Your Valentine. The love of your life who helped create these angels in the first place, and that's still the case. When times get hard, remember to lean in, not out, and know that they need you as much as you need them.

Fear that my first baby will resent me now that I cannot give her the same constant attention

Adding another child to the mix is emotional in many ways, but, for me, I couldn't help but sob whenever someone asked how my daughter was adjusting. For two and a half years, my baby girl was my whole heart. My sweetie pie. It truly didn't seem possible that I could share that same love with another being.

But it is possible, and my daughter seems to be coping just fine. In fact, she's obsessed with her brother. My husband and I joke that our son likes his sister more than any of us. And it's probably true. Sure, it's tough to build Magna-tile towers with my little girl while the baby's attached to my breast—but, I've always been one for multitasking.

Fear that my clients will look elsewhere if I take maternity leave

As a freelance copywriter, my clients are my lifeblood. What if they need me while I'm recovering from having the baby and I can't immediately deliver? Will they see me as weak for making time for myself and my family? Will they think I'm incapable of producing the caliber of work I'm known for because they think that my mind will be preoccupied?

But my clients are more than just faceless payors—many have become my friends. They know me. They respect my work and my work ethic, and they know that having a baby won't make me any less competent. If anything, it will only make me more determined. More dedicated to maintaining our professional relationship. More driven to do great creative work that provides for my family. More passionate about my writing because I have that much more love in my heart.

Fear that my friends without kids will never want to hang out again now that I have a growing family

Social media has a ruthless way of letting you know that your single and kid-less friends went out this weekend—and that you weren't invited. These friends innocently assume that you're content staying in with your kids. And while that may be true sometimes, you automatically assume you're no longer fun or cool. For a moment you believe that you're officially a boring parent and that your social life is over.

But your true friends will always be there, and you know that. You've always known that. But now you find it truer than ever. Having a kid doesn't make you any less cool, if anything, it gives you a force of nature you never knew you had. Along the way, you'll also make new parent friends. Men who can share a sanity-saving beer with your husband after the kids go down, and women who can truly understand your hopes and fears as a mother because they openly share many of the same.

Fearlessness isn't about the complete absence of fear—and neither is motherhood. It's about exercising courage in spite of your fear. It's about mastering your fear. Motherhood isn't for the faint of heart. It's for those who look fear straight in the face and say, yeah, I've got this. And you do. You've 100% got this, mama.

You might also like:

Who said motherhood doesn't come with a manual?

Subscribe to get inspiration and super helpful ideas to rock your #momlife. Motherhood looks amazing on you.

Already a subscriber? Log in here.

By: Justine LoMonaco


From the moment my daughter was born, I felt an innate need to care for her. The more I experienced motherhood, I realized that sometimes this was simple―after all, I was hardwired to respond to her cries and quickly came to know her better than anyone else ever could―but sometimes it came with mountains of self-doubt.

This was especially true when it came to feeding. Originally, I told myself we would breastfeed―exclusively. I had built up the idea in my mind that this was the correct way of feeding my child, and that anything else was somehow cheating. Plus, I love the connection it brought us, and so many of my favorite early memories are just my baby and me (at all hours of night), as close as two people can be as I fed her from my breast.

Over time, though, something started to shift. I realized I felt trapped by my daughter's feeding schedule. I felt isolated in the fact that she needed me―only me―and that I couldn't ask for help with this monumental task even if I truly needed it. While I was still so grateful that I was able to breastfeed without much difficulty, a growing part of me began fantasizing about the freedom and shared burden that would come if we bottle fed, even just on occasion.

I was unsure what to expect the first time we tried a bottle. I worried it would upset her stomach or cause uncomfortable gas. I worried she would reject the bottle entirely, meaning the freedom I hoped for would remain out of reach. But in just a few seconds, those worries disappeared as I watched her happily feed from the bottle.

What I really didn't expect? The guilt that came as I watched her do so. Was I robbing her of that original connection we'd had with breastfeeding? Was I setting her up for confusion if and when we did go back to nursing? Was I failing at something without even realizing it?

In discussing with my friends, I've learned this guilt is an all too common thing. But I've also learned there are so many reasons why it's time to let it go.

1) I'm letting go of guilt because...I shouldn't feel guilty about sharing the connection with my baby. It's true that now I'm no longer the only one who can feed and comfort her any time of day or night. But what that really means is that now the door is open for other people who love her (my partner, grandparents, older siblings) to take part in this incredible gift. The first time I watched my husband's eyes light up as he fed our baby, I knew that I had made the right choice.

2) I'm letting go of guilt because...the right bottle will prevent any discomfort. It took us a bit of trial and error to find the right bottle that worked for my baby, but once we did, we rarely dealt with gas or discomfort―and the convenience of being able to pack along a meal for my child meant she never had to wait to eat when she was hungry. Dr. Brown's became my partner in this process, offering a wide variety of bottles and nipples designed to mimic the flow of my own milk and reduce colic and excess spitting up. When we found the right one, it changed everything.

3) I'm letting go of guilt because...I've found my joy in motherhood again. That trapped feeling that had started to overwhelm me? It's completely gone. By removing the pressure on myself to feed my baby a certain way, I realized that it was possible to keep her nourished and healthy―while also letting myself thrive.

So now, sometimes we use the bottle. Sometimes we don't. But no matter how I keep my baby fed, I know we've found the right way―guilt free.


This article is sponsored by Dr. Browns. Thank you for supporting the brands that support Motherly and mamas.


You might also like:

Learn + Play

If you've had a baby in a hospital you know that those first few nights can be really hard. There are so many benefits for babies sharing rooms with their mamas (as opposed to being shipped off to those old-school, glassed-in nurseries) but tired mamas have a lot of conflicting messages coming at them.

You're told to bond with your baby, but not to fall asleep with them in the bed, and to let them rest in their bassinet. But when you're recovering from something that is (at best) the most physically demanding thing a person can do or (at worst) major surgery, moving your baby back and forth from bed to bassinette all night long sure doesn't sound like fun.

That's why this photo of a co-sleeping hospital bed is going viral again, four years after it was first posted by Australian parenting site Belly Belly. The photo continues to attract attention because the bed design is enviable, but is it real? And if so, why aren't more hospitals using it?

The bed is real, and it's Dutch. The photo originated from Gelderse Vallei hospital. As GoodHouskeeping reported back in 2015, the clip-on co-sleepers were introduced as a way to help mom and baby pairs who needed extended hospital stays—anything beyond one night in the maternity ward.

FEATURED VIDEO

Plenty of moms stateside wish we had such beds in our maternity wards, but as but Dr. Iffath Hoskins, an OB-GYN, told Yahoo Parenting in 2015, the concept wouldn't be in line with American hospitals' safe sleeping policies.

"If the mother rolls over from exhaustion, there would be the risk of smothering the baby," she told Yahoo. "The mother's arm could go into that space in her sleep and cover the baby, or she could knock a pillow to the side and it's on the baby."

Hoskins also believes that having to get in and out of bed to get to your baby in the night is good for moms who might be otherwise reluctant to move while recovering from C-sections. If you don't move, the risk of blood clots in the legs increases. "An advantage of being forced to get up for the baby is that it forces the mother to move her legs — it's a big plus. However painful it can be, it's important for new moms to move rather than remaining in their hospital beds."

So there you have it. The viral photo is real, but don't expect those beds to show up in American maternity wards any time soon.

You might also like:

News

A new study has some people thinking twice about kissing their bearded partners, or maybe even letting those with beards kiss the baby—but there's a lot to unpack here.

According to Swiss researchers, bearded men are carrying around more bacteria than dogs do. A lot more. But read on before you send dad off to the bathroom with a razor and ask him to pull a Jason Momoa (yes, he's recently clean-shaven. RIP Aquaman's beard).

As the BBC reports, scientists swabbed the beards of 18 men and the necks of 30 dogs. When they compared the samples, they learned beards have a higher bacterial load than dog fur.

Dudes who love their beards are already clapping back against the way the science was reported in the media though, noting that the sample size in this study was super small and, importantly, that the scientists didn't swab any beardless men.

The study wasn't even about beards, really. The point of the study, which was published in July 2018 in the journal European Radiology, was to determine if veterinarians could borrow human MRI machines to scan dogs without posing a risk to human patients.

"Our study shows that bearded men harbour significantly higher burden of microbes and more human-pathogenic strains than dogs," the authors wrote, noting that when MRI scanners are used for both dogs and humans, they're cleaned very well after veterinary use, and actually have a "lower bacterial load compared with scanners used exclusively for humans."

FEATURED VIDEO

Another important point to note is that most bacteria aren't actually dangerous to humans, and some can be really good for us (that's why some scientists want us to let our kids get dirty).

This little study wasn't supposed to set off a beard panic, it was just supposed to prove that dogs and people can safely share an MRI machine. There is previous research on beards and bacteria though, that suggests they're not all bad.

Another study done in 2014 and published in the Journal of Hospital Infection looked at a much larger sample of human faces (men who work in healthcare), both bearded and clean shaven, and actually found that people who shaved their faces were carrying around more Staph bacteria than those with facial hair.

"Overall, colonization is similar in male healthcare workers with and without facial hair; however, certain bacterial species were more prevalent in workers without facial hair," the researchers wrote.

A year after that, a local news station in New Mexico did its own "study" on beards, one that wasn't super scientific but did go viral and prompted a flurry of headlines insisting beards are as dirty as toilets. That claim has been debunked.

So, before you ban bearded people from kissing the baby (or yourself) consider that we all have some bacteria on our faces. Dads should certainly wash their beards well, but they're not as dirty as a toilet.

You might also like:

News

New York's Governor Andrew Cuomo is on a mission to level the playing field for young women and provide them with the tools for success. In 2017, he implemented free two- and four-year public colleges for New Yorkers, and now Cuomo is adding a budget proposal that would provide on-site childcare at community colleges.

Under the proposal, single parents participating in the program would also have access to tutoring and help when applying to four-year schools. It's the kind of idea that could be a game changer for parents in New York state.

Currently, childcare centers are subsidized for student-parents but can still cost parents $50-$60 a week; under Cuomo's budget proposal, childcare would be free. Students who are already enrolled in similar programs acknowledge that the benefits are enormous.

"As a single parent of two children going to school full time, I wouldn't be able to come to school and afford for childcare," says Michelle Trinidad, a student at Borough of Manhattan Community College (BMCC) and parent to a 4 and 5-year-old. "Thank goodness for BMCC Early Childhood Center that is very much affordable. It gives me the opportunity to advance my career and be confident that my son is in good hands. School is hard enough on its own, having reliable child care means a lot to me and my children."

FEATURED VIDEO

The plan is a part of Cuomo's 2019 women's justice agenda, legislation that addresses the gender wage gap, as well as economic and social justice for all New York women. According to a 2017 report from the Institute for Women's Policy Research, 11% of undergraduates, or 2.1 million students, were single mothers as of 2012, which has doubled since 2000. Additionally, that same study found that 4 in 10 women at two-year colleges say that they are likely or very likely to drop out of school due to their dependent care obligations.

"This is an exciting initiative for New York that addresses a critical need, and if implemented, will have a far-reaching impact on various aspects of society, especially for the next generation," says Ryan Lee-James, PhD an Assistant Professor at Adelphi University. "I view this initiative as both a direct and indirect pathway to address the well-documented achievement gap between children reared in poverty and those growing up with higher income families, as it provides moms, who otherwise may not have had the opportunity, to further their education and thus, afford their children more opportunities."

Additionally, many view campus childcare as a safe haven for college students. "During my 18 years working in campus childcare, I have witnessed how the student-parents can complete their courses and stay focused by having childcare on campus," says Sori Palacio, a Head Teacher at BMCC Early Childhood Center. "Parents usually express how thankful they are for having their children traveling with them to school as well as having their children nearby while they complete their degree. They concentrate in academic work without worrying about their child's wellbeing. This service helps the entire public by preparing more people to serve the community."

Parents have so many barriers when it comes to accessing higher education, but free childcare could be a game changer that benefits multiple generations.

You might also like:

News

Anthropologie is one of those stores you can browse around forever. From beautifully curated clothing to dreamy home items (if you don't already have this Capri Blue candle in your life, you *need* it). But sometimes the items can come with a hefty price.

This weekend only—from 4/18-4/21—, they're offering an extra 50% off sale items and 20% off furniture on sale. 🙌 (Note that all sales are final.)

Here's what we're adding to our carts:

1. Gwendolyn diaper bag, $69.96 (was $98.00)

Anthropologie diaper bag

Beautiful and functional—what more could you ask for in a diaper bag?

BUY

2. Tough as a mother graphic tee, $38.40 (was $48)

Tough as a mother tee

Who else is tougher than a mother?

BUY

3. Monogram candle, $14.95 (was $24.00)

Anthropologie monogram candle

You can never have too many candles. Once it's done, clean out the wax and use it to store smaller items around the home!

BUY

4. Baby bella bunny,  $9.95 (was $16.00)

Anthropologie stuffed bunny

This would make a gorgeous gift for a newborn, or a sweet surprise for your own little.

BUY

5. Splendid sincerity slides, $69.96 (was $118.00)

Anthropologie slides

Say hello to your go-to summer shoe for all of the activities on your list.

BUY

6. Voilette canister, $19.95 (was $28.00)

Anthropologie canisters

We all have items that we just can't seem to find a home for (looking at you Q-tips).

BUY

7. Karuna cleaning mud mask, $4.95 (was $8.00)

Anthropologie mud mask

For when you sneak away for a few minutes in the bathroom—multitask, mama.

BUY

8. Charming critter piggy bank, $24.95 (was $38.00)

Anthropologie piggy bank

Littles can never start saving too early—would make an adorable gift for your favorite little one.

BUY

9. Stateside terry cloth joggers,  $69.95 (was $126.00)

Anthropologie joggers

Lounge in style.

BUY

10. Chalkboard calendar, $144.95 (was $228.00)

Anthropologie chalkboard calendar

The perfect item for an entryway to keep *all* of the things together.

BUY

Shop
Motherly provides information of a general nature and is designed for educational purposes only. This site does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment.Your use of the site indicates your agreement to be bound by our  Terms of Use and Privacy Policy. Information on our advertising guidelines can be found here.