I’m Not Thinking about Beyonce’s Twins

First off, let me say that I was just as excited as everyone else on Twitter when I first got the news about My Best Friend Bey’s pregnancy. And I was just as flummoxed (as most people probably won’t admit) when I saw the picture of her posing with her belly in a veil and mismatched lingerie set while serving up something between resting bitch face and knowing maternal smile. But after scrambling to order those exact bra and panties in a size that doesn’t even fit me before they sold out (because hey, it’s Beyonce), I decided that I am now over it and am moving on my life. I’ve got other things to think about this week besides the meaning behind the colors of the questionably chosen floral arrangement in front of which she is kneeling. There are things happening in this world right now that exist outside of Bey’s womb, OK?

Like, for example, where should I plan my Disney dinner reservations for my upcoming trip with the kiddos? This shit is IMPORTANT, yo. Some of the ladies on the Upper East Side Moms Facebook group are saying it is all about Beast’s Castle. There’s booze there. But I’m just not sure I want to have dinner in a place where the food could potentially talk and dance away from me before I have a chance to eat it. Also, I don’t find Beast particularly attractive, and that alone could ruin my vibe altogether. Besides, I feel like Queen B would be more of a Morimoto girl, but then again she won’t be enjoying sushi right around now with the twins gestating in her womb. So maybe we should go somewhere Bey-friendly where there’s no raw fish or alcohol… Wait, what am I doing? This is not about Beyonce!

Back to important things: I need a winter coat for next season, and I need it on sale. But literally every store has sold out of a small sizes, and I think that is really unfair and biased to petite people. There was a great coat that was both in my size and 60 percent off on Shopbop the other day, but my friend bought the last one while I was busy buying Beyonce’s bra in a size 42 F (Halloween next year maybe?), and now I’m not talking to her. Still, I’m happy I snagged that bra — so worth it.

Non-Beyonce’s twins related: My Kindergartener has an art project due next Monday for the 100th Day of School, where the kids get to choose how they want to “celebrate” that day through art. My son has decided that he wants to draw 100 stars, so that means I have to hound him 100 times a day to draw a star or two on his piece of paper. We have been “working” on this project all weekend, and all we have so far is about five stars to show for it. It is going to be a long week. Maybe instead of stars, we just draw a hundred flowers in the color palette of Beyonce’s pregnancy announcement as a subtle homage to her baby joy. Godammit, I did it again.

Moving on… I promise this one will not be about Beyonce: This past Saturday night, I stayed home and watched The Wizard of Oz (the original from 1939) with the kids. Now, no one wants to go to bed in my house anymore because of their newfound fears of tornadoes, wicked witches, munchkins, wizards, and flying monkeys. Why they do not list this movie under “Horror,” I do not know. (P.S. How cute would Blue Ivy be as Dorothy in an updated remake of The Wizard of Oz? And OMG! The Twins could have cameos as munchkin babies! Squeee!) Foiled again.

You know, another thing that is really important because it has to do with politics and I feel like a lot of moms at pickup and drop-off are saying this a lot lately, too. I’m finding it really hard to find time to balance my work, my family life, my newfound activism and my Bey-time. Reposting rants and articles on Facebook about today’s political shit-storm takes a lot of time. And that’s time I could be spending reading up on an art historian’s interpretation of Beyonce’s pregnancy photos, and I don’t think a lot of people realize that.

Oh, who am I kidding? Everything else can wait. My world begins and ends with Beyonce. My sun rises with every exhale of her perfect, non-stretch-mark-covered (seriously, how?) growing belly. I cannot wait to learn everything there is to learn about this pregnancy, from the gender of the twins, to what her pregnancy cravings are (double the ketchup this time?), to how she dresses her royal bump. I want inside info on the nursery and will be waiting breathlessly for that first picture of Blue Ivy meeting her siblings for the first time.

I apologize in advance to my children, my husband, and my editors for the next couple of months because I will be busy with all things related to Beyonce and her twins. She is flawless.

All hail Queen Bey.

Original illustration by Nicole Hetzel for Well Rounded.